True North with Abby & Ryan

QUESTION: Can you operate in victim consciousness AND be in your True North simultaneously?

Drama Triangle —> Empowerment Triangle
Victim / Persecutor / Rescuer —> Creator / Challenger / Coach

Your "True North Self" is not some unassailably healthy version of yourself; it's the version of yourself that:

• Notices when you're operating in victim consciousness
• Compassionately meets yourself where you are
• Regularly reorients yourself toward your True North

How do you move from victimhood into health?

• Ryan - Realize that it's a better situation for you and everyone around you when you're in health, just as it's a worse situation for you and everyone else when you're not.
• Abby - Get out of your head and into your body, move around, be outside, breathe, and reset your nervous system.

HRV - Heart Rate Variability

• WHOOP Your Way (https://shop.whoop.com/products/whoop-your-way-kit/) gives you real-time feedback on the state of your nervous system.
• HeartMath emWave2 (https://store.heartmath.com/emwave2/) helps you train yourself to use breathwork to bring your nervous system into coherence using HRV feedback.

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful for the mess in his office that resulted from his toddler playing in there while he worked throughout the week.
• Abby is grateful for gratitude (that's not cheating, it's meta)

TIME CODES:
8:46 - Drama Triangle exercise
27:51 - What moves you from victimhood to health?
36:27 - HRV tracking & training
54:05 - ABBY'S GONNA MAKE A TIKTOK

MODEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Catch Ryan on TikTok at @the_holistic_mystic
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

😭🐓👞💩

We're switching it up to 10-episode seasons with 2-week breaks between, for the foreseeable future.

QUESTION: How are you a different person now than you were at the end of last season?

• Abby - Learned the importance of rest
• Ryan - Accidentally became an influencer

Can we make progress without setting goals? Yes. Set intentions instead, and stay in the present, meeting yourself with acceptance and compassion.

As we grow and change, it's helpful to assess our goals, values, and definitions, to make sure they grow up with us. If they served us then but don't serve us now, and we don't realize that, pulling ourselves towards those values and definitions becomes a step back, not forward.

Drama Triangle —> Empowerment Triangle
Victim / Persecutor / Rescuer —> Creator / Challenger / Coach

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful that we came back for season 2!
• Abby is grateful for the resting she did over the break.

TIME CODES:
5:17 - Question of the episode
11:52 - Ryan's foray into TikTok
30:24 - Are we making progress?
44:35 - Abby digs deeper: Authenticity
55:30 - Parenting and Modeling


MODEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Catch Ryan on TikTok at @the_holistic_mystic
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🌊🥩🥯🐗

Dream analysis is a powerful tool to investigate your interiors. And the best part is, your beliefs about the nature of dreams (random meaningless neuron firings, astral projection, everything in between) have no bearing on how useful this practice can be. It's less about what a dream is and what's "really" happening when we dream, and more about what we do with our dreams in our waking hours. Here's the tool:

1. Narrate your dream in as much detail as possible.
2. Identify symbols (you decide what they are).
3. Become each symbol long enough to answer these two questions:
   1. What are three words that describe you?
   2. What is your function / how are you here to help?
4. Re-narrate your dream, replacing the concrete name of each symbol with language referring to the descriptors and function.
5. Investigate which parts of your waking life are being represented by these symbols.
6. Consider how the symbols show up in the dream, and how they fit into / influence the narrative.
7. By now, you've probably already made all the connections you were meant to.

This is the end of Season 1! We'll be back in the Fall. We love you all.

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful that this podcast even happened.
• Abby is grateful for cancer. Yes, really. Just listen.

 
TIME CODES:

9:00 - Ryan recounts the dream.
15:35 - Abby walks Ryan through the symbols.
36:30 - Ryan retells the dream.
48:15 - Abby & Ryan analyze the dream.

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🥩🥧💨🥐

Visiting the past and future in healthy ways:

• Visit, but don't live there
• Be mindful of what you bring back to the present

What to bring back from the Past: Gratitude.
What NOT to bring back from the Past: Remorse, Regret, Self-Judgment, Rumination.

What to bring back from the Future: Open-Minded Anticipation.
What NOT to bring back from the Future: Fear, Controlling Motivations, Baseless Projection.

Regret: "I'm suffering the consequences of what I did."
Remorse: "You're suffering the consequences of what I did."

If you're habitually in the past/future and being present takes effort, it's probably best for you to stay out of the past/future;
If you're habitually in the present and visiting the past/future takes effort, it's probably safe for you to visit the past/future.

MINDFULNESS IS A GREAT WAY TO CULTIVATE PRESENCE
Single-tasking is a great way to be mindful.

There are not backward steps. Not in relationships, not in your own growth journey, not in potty training. Every step is a forward step: The thing you think you might be moving back to weren't built upon the foundation of everything that's happened in your life since then.

Your mental/emotional/spiritual growth is not a straight line.

• You don't acquire tools - you just sequentially realize you've always had access to them (like owning DVD's vs. subscribing to a streaming service).
• Not using your tools doesn't mean you haven't learned how to use them.

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful for her neighborhood community.
• Ryan is grateful that he's been recording his dreams.

 
TIME CODES:
1:30 - Healthy Past/Future
13:46 - Regret vs. Remorse
22:08 - Mindfulness and Singletasking
28:42 - Moving Backwards

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🥖🍇🍟🥩

Ryan has recently gotten feedback in two of his close relationships, and we debrief how he's responded, both internally and externally.

RSP (Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) can come into play whenever we receive negative feedback. Perhaps you feel rejected by the other person, but it's also possible you reject yourself, and then react to that self-rejection. It's usually both.

A process we settled on:

1. When receiving the feedback, notice how you feel.
2. Feeling defensive or hurt? Acknowledge the feedback, express gratitude for it, and step back to sort out your interiors.
3. Ask yourself what you're afraid of, what you feel the need to protect/defend yourself from, and where in you those fears/impulses might come from.
4. Use your tools. Reparent, self compassion, self acceptance, surrender to what is, become the observer, journal, take it to your therapist, take a walk and talk to yourself, you know the drill.
5. Ask the forward-moving questions. What do you need to own? What's not yours to own? Do you need to make reparations? Is it in everyone's highest good to mend the relationship? Are you ready for that conversation? Are they?
6. Check your motivations. Do you want to repair because disrepair is uncomfortable for you? Are you looking to escape feeling rejected or unwanted? Is your sense of worth tied to whether or not others accept you? Are you trying to control the other person or the relationship? If yes to any of these, keep doing the work.
7. If you do move into repair, lead with listening. Hold space for them to share their experience and their interiors, and honor those as just as valid as your own. Detach from outcomes, and prioritize connection over restoration, and being curious over being right. Be okay with the conversation not going the way you hoped it would.

Ego's place in the spectrum: THE MIDDLE.

• One end: Control. If Ego is at the wheel, you're gonna try to control everything, which is impossible and unhealthy.
• The other end: Apathy. If you can't control everything, Ego is tempted to decide it shouldn't try to control anything, which is unrealistic and unhealthy.
• The middle: Surrender. You control yourself and stop trying to control everything else. YOU give your Ego what it wants, or it will try to take it from others (affirmation, love, validation, attention, protection).

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful for HERSELF.
• Ryan is grateful for the two people in his life who gave him the feedback that sparked this episode.

TIME CODES:
5:25 - Ryan's two relationships
25:22 - YOU ARE YOUR OWN MEASURING STICK
33:50 - Keeping Ego in its Lane

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

👊🐛🚙🌊

“Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”
- Tony Robbins (probably)

WHY DO WE RESIST CHANGE??

• LOSS. There's a loss, which means pain. Even if there's a gain, it's unknown; the loss is always known. Known is more comfortable than unknown.
• ANTICIPATION & PREDICTABILITY. A 2016 study showed that "knowing that there is a small chance of getting a painful electric shock can lead to significantly more stress than knowing that you will definitely be shocked." (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/03/160329101037.htm)
• CONTROL. Intentionally maintaining a painful circumstance gives a sense of control, whereas moving into the unknown is a loss of your sense of control. Feeling out of control is often more uncomfortable than the pain of the present moment.
• ATTACHMENT TO OUTCOMES. A change threatens the possibility of arriving at a specific future you want to reach.

ANTIDOTES:

• SURRENDER. Know what you can't control, and stop trying to control it.
• PRESENCE. Get out of the past and future, and come back to now.
• SELF ACCEPTANCE. Disengage from stories about how circumstances (preferable or painful, real or imaginary) affect your value or identity.

“We are often more threatened by the possibility of a relationship with others changing than the possibility of the relationship with ourselves staying the same.”
- Vienna Pharaon

THE CHANGE CYCLE:

1. Dissolution - change happens, the status becomes not-quo, and suffering takes hold.
2. Adjustment - you formulate a plan to adjust to the new thing.
3. Integration - Your new plan becomes a new way of life.
4. Maintenance - The new status becomes quo. I realize I'm using that phrase horribly.

*** Moving from 4 to 1 feels like three steps back, but it's really one step forward. It's the Change Cycle, not the Change Unidirectional Linear Progression ***

THE BECKARD-HARRIS CHANGE EQUATION: D x V + F > R

• D = Dissatisfaction with the present circumstance
• V = Vision for what the future could be
• F = First Steps (putting on your shoes and getting to the running trail)
• R = Resistance to change

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful for his dad.
• Abby is grateful for her clients who are really doing the work.

TIME CODES:
19:43 - The Change Cycle
31:32 - Alexander John Shaia - The four gospels and the cycle of change: https://amzn.to/3tYS1Gt
1:00:12 - The Beckard-Harris Change Equation

WHAT OUR TRIBE IS UP TO:

• Feed the Birdies - CWPencils.com
• The Mama Collective Coffee Chat - Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86127595900
• A Woman Without A Man - OneCraftyWidow.com

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🥪🌊🍀🦃🥧

Do your emotions have to attach to stories? Everything but the emotion is in your head.

• "I'm afraid OF ______"
• "I'm happy ABOUT ______"
• "I'm angry AT  ______"

IMPORTANT POINTS ABOUT THAT:

1.  "Story" doesn't refer to the facts; it refers to what you make those facts mean for you.
2. "In your head" and "imaginary" don't mean "not valid" or "not real."

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is or power to choose our response" -Viktor Frankl

Turn your Inner Critic into an Inner Advisor:

• Use it to help you in the present rather than scrutinize the past.
• Decide to believe it has your best interest at heart and isn't trying to hurt you.

TOOLS TO HABITUALIZE PRESENCE!!

• Spend a week being intensively on the lookout for what you feel, what sparks those feelings, and what stories in your head are attached to them. Just get in the habit of noticing.
• Become an observer to your behaviors, actions, and responses to stimuli.
• Bullet journal, set reminders on your phone, recruit loved ones to check in. Do whatever works with your wiring to keep it on the forefront of your mind during your "training period."
• Gratitude is your friend.
• No judging yourself. Period.

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful for her son, and for his teacher.
• Ryan is grateful for his son, and that's it.

TIME CODES:
2:34 - The problems we make for ourselves
5:30 - Emotions linking to stories
8:19 - Real fear vs. perceived fear
10:32 - Choosing our response
15:32 - Stories in your head can still be legit
23:59 - Inner Critic --> Inner Advisor
31:11 - Tools!

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🥪🍟🚽🥐🥓🐰

Reasons to do your thing:

1. It brings you life.
2. To elicit reactions, positive and negative
    - NOT to help you hone your content based on the feedback.
    - BUT to help you decide how much weight feedback should have. (Marcus Aurelius)
3. You have to get through the shit to get to the gold. (quantity over quality)
4. You’ll discover yourself in ways you couldn’t without it.

Reasons to stop:

1. When the work is complete (this also applies to relationships).
2. When it FEELS like work (burnout).
    - NOT “if something feels like work, stop."
    - BUT “if the thing you do specifically because it’s a life-bringer starts to feel like a life-drainer, pause to reevaluate”:
         • What’s life-giving about it? Can you transpose that into a less draining activity?
         • When did it become not that? What entered the picture that stole the life? (usually money)
         • Maybe you need to set boundaries around the thing?
         • Maybe clarify your compass? Is it really life-giving?
3. If it becomes unsustainable - no room in your life for it?
    - Ask why it’s so hard to prioritize. Is it that important to you? Really?
    - In order for self-care to be valued, your self must be valued. You must believe YOU are a thing worth cultivating at the expense of you cultivating other people. If you’re not there yet, your passion will always be a side gig and dispensable; it should be an integrated, cornerstone-level part of the life you design for yourself.

Other things to note:

• You don’t have to do it professionally for it to be a valid use of your time.
• You don’t owe anyone your gifts.
• You don’t have to get “good at” it (who decides that anyway?).

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful for the people in his life whose feedback he highly regards.
• Abby is grateful for her kid's school (and the fact that she listened to her body about deciding to enroll him)

TIME CODES:
10:22 - Flow
15:15 - It brings you life
17:16 - Getting feedback
22:27 - Quantity over quality
25:07 - Self discovery
29:07 - Accepting when the work is complete
33:34 - Burnout
39:04 - Making room in your life for your passion
46:23 - Misconceptions (externally imposed shoulds)

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

😬🍇🐨🥖🦃

Abby and Ryan left off last podcast teeing up a follow-up episode about humility. We thought this would be that episode. The Universe had other plans. We sure did try, though. That's a lie. We really didn't. But we think we landed in an okay place.

How Abby Manages a Full Plate:

1. Bag it. Ask yourself if it really needs to be done (no. It doesn't)
2. Barter it. Ask yourself if someone else can do it (then ask them to do it)
3. Better it. Ask yourself if it can be done more efficiently (smarter, not harder)

How Ryan Manages a Full Plate:

1. Size it up. Figure out everything you have to do and break it down into bite-sized steps.
2. Scale it down. Find every corner you can cut, and force yourself to cut them.
3. Schedule it all. Block off every single step of every single thing on your calendar.

Designing your most authentic life:

• Owning what you want. If you can't make time for it, you probably don't really want it. And that's okay. Admitting that can be freeing.
• Self Worth. Believe that the life you do want is valuable enough to be prioritized over the life other people want you to live.
• Boundaries. Design a life that resonates with your essential self, say "yes" to things that align with that, and "no" to everything else.
• Also, start small. Goal too daunting? Shrink it until it's ridiculously doable.

GRATITUDES:

• Ryan is grateful that he's developing an internal compass for himself and the things he does.
• Abby is grateful for the heavy but meaningful conversation she got to be a part of recently.

TIME CODES:
4:00 - We try to do the humility piece. We fail.
19:15 - How Abby manages a full plate (3 B's)
26:58 - How Ryan manages a full plate (3 S's)
35:18 - Why time management matters
40:28 - Owning what you want

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🌊🥪🍀🐝

We talk about confidence, what it is, and what it's not. And surprise surprise, we don't exactly see eye to eye on the specifics. And that's part of what makes this thing magical.

Definitions!

• Ryan: Confidence is owning what you are, and not needing to be what you aren't.
• Abby: Confidence has both positive and negative expressions: negative confidence is a mask you wear to cover up a lack of self worth; positive confidence comes from true self worth, wherein you wholeheartedly love and trust yourself and how you show up.

Confidence Is...

• ...something you learn in waves.
• ...releasing the illusion of control over other people.
• ...being comfortable with your limitations (being able to say "I can't do that" without feeling less-than).
• ...taking comparison out of the equation.
• ...setting boundaries and saying "no" without feeling the need to apologize, explain, make excuses, or lie.
• ...trusting yourself.
• ...apologizing without self-loathing, expecting the other person to babysit your emotions and coddle your ego, or requiring them to accept your apology and immediately move past their pain.
• ...accepting an apology without
• ...being able to fail an attempt or lose a competition without feeling like you've lost something and need to redeem yourself.
• ...not having anything to prove.
• ...not needing others to validate your interiors.
• ...not needing to defend yourself.
• ...a prerequisite for humility (according to Ryan. Abby has thoughts. Stay tuned!)

Arrogance is...

• ...mimicking true confidence to cover insecurity (spoiler alert: everyone sees right through that shit).
• ...posturing to mask lack of feeling self worth (spoiler alert: see previous spoiler alert).

Distractions:

1. Manifesting and Divination aren't as scary or weird as people think they are.
2. Ryan says "DO consider how your words/actions affect their experience; DON'T fear their potential reaction." Abby both agrees and disagrees with this.
3. Wanting growth for the people you love can be as destructive as constructive. Let them grow; don't try to make them grow. And also let them not grow.
4. Intent vs. Impact - COVID19 Edition. Every decision you make impacts everyone else, all the time - not just during a pandemic.

GRATITUDES:

• Abby is grateful that Gov. Abbott lifted the Covid restrictions in Texas.
• Ryan is grateful that the Snyder Cut finally came out.

TIMECODES:
1:23 - Distraction 1
8:50 - CONFIDENCE! Defining our terms.
12:07 - Distraction 2
18:25 - Distraction 3
22:22 - Confidence is surrendering control
22:35 - Confidence is not having anything to prove
23:39 - Arrogance
25:12 - Confidence is being comfortable with your limits
26:39 - Confidence is lack of comparison
27:18 - Confidence is saying "no"
32:44 - Confidence is not needing validation from others
35:52 - Confidence is not needing to defend yourself
40:22 - Confidence is trusting yourself
41:46 - Distraction 4
50:44 - Confidence is apologies without bullshit
1:00:36 - Confidence and humility

MORE DEETS:

• Join our tribe at patreon.com/truenorth11
• Get life coaching from Abby at IndigoCoaching.net
• Follow us on IG at @TrueNorthWithAbbyAndRyan
• Watch us at TinyURL.com/TrueNorth11YouTube
• Email us at [email protected]
• Stalk us at truenorth11.com

🐨☎️🐼💬🦃🤖🐰🥓