Try Self-Love

Covid has pushed off this week's episode. Kristen got it last week and Becky has it right now. This week's bonus episode is from Kristen. She gives us a message about self-love and what she learned while having Covid.

Whenever life offers you a chance to tune into what you are feeling and experiencing, remember to go easy on yourself. Self-love means accepting all of you. And you are worth loving!

Stay tuned for next week's episode on perfectionism. Take care!

Happy Birthday to Kristen! We recorded this episode on her birthday, January 6th.

Becky and Kristen talk about the inner mean girl - that bully that mentally beats you up over any and all mistakes. Believe it or not, this part of you actually wants the best for you but we definitely don't like the way it’s being communicated. 

*What possible positive intention could your inner critic have for you? Becky's inner critic pushes her and tells her she isn't doing enough because it’s afraid she'll quit. We can understand the positive intention without believing the lies. All bullies lie, and our inner bully is no exception.

We all need love, safety and belonging. Doing new things can be scary and that primitive part of the brain (the one responsible for keeping you alive) does not want anything to happen to you. Your inner critic stems from that part of your brain and actually wants something good for you (even if we don’t like the method she is using to get your attention).

Kristen and Becky expose their inner critics and explain why it’s good to listen closely to the inner bully. Evaluate if what it is saying is true (it isn’t). Next, get curious. What do you want for me, little mean girl? When you realize that this part of you is trying to get your attention and has a reason that is actually for your ultimate good, you make peace with this inner critic and she can stop bullying you.

No matter where you are on the self-love spectrum, you are doing important work. When you love yourself you do not become selfish. You have so much more to give. When you are filled up and empowered all you want to do is help others feel the same way. 

Look for the proof that your inner critic is wrong about you. You can learn to tame your inner critic but it never goes away and that's normal. Work at finding your light, your love and your good parts.  

Life has worked against us this week so instead of beating ourselves up we are leaving you with a thought for your day. Self-love is not selfish; it's what fills your well and allows you to give to others without resentment or exhaustion. You are helping so many people; why not help yourself?

Stay tuned for next week's episode on perfectionism!

Thank you, Susan, for recommending this topic! If you have anything you want Kristen and Becky to talk about please email us at [email protected] or join our free FB group, Try Self-Love. 

Loving yourself first helps you figure out who you are. You were put on this earth for a purpose; there is no one else on this earth who will be the same as you as that is beautiful. Learn to love who you are and accept all of you. Work with yourself, not against yourself. Turn to God (or your Higher Power) for help figuring out what is special about you.

Finding your life purpose doesn’t have to be full or pressure or feel heavy. You don’t have a deadline and though you may not be changing the entire world, you can change one person’s world. Our life purpose can change throughout the course of a lifetime as circumstances change. 

Self-love plays a role in discovering what you love and live for. Loving yourself allows you to accept what you value. This allows you to do whatever you want to do instead of worrying if others will approve or if it will be “enough.”

Love yourself and allow yourself to do some fun things. Do something you love to do that also helps other. This will help forge connection with others and you will feel accomplishment and self-worth. Your life purpose can be fun; it can be something that doesn’t serve others at all. When you are happy and in a good place mentally and emotionally, you will want to reach out and lift others. When you know who you are then your gifts and life purpose becomes more clear. It gets easier to share with others.

Do you tell yourself that what you’re doing isn’t enough? Our limiting beliefs that tell us we don’t deserve to be happy or we’re not good enough can fall away when you are enjoying your hobby, your talent. Perhaps you are living your purpose as you are. Maybe you are helping many people and yet you don’t see it or believe it’s enough.

Some tips for finding your life purpose:

1. Think back to what you enjoyed doing as a child. We may be older and our body may look different, but we are not very different from that child we were.
2. No matter what you are doing, stay in the moment. That is the best way to connect to yourself and to your loved ones.
3. When we appreciate what we have right now, doors open and other opportunities come our way
4. Anything we do that creates connection with others and makes us feel good helps everyone
5. Volunteering is a great way to give back. Helping others gives us clarity on our current struggles
6. Ask people closest to you, people that you trust: What do I have that’s special? What about me is different? 
7. Ask yourself: What is something you did that you are most proud of, that you wish you could do again?
8. Look at who you are jealous of - this will help you see what you wish you had in your life. Admiring someone lets you know that you have that inside, too
9. Be grateful - when you look back you can see the strength and the lessons learned from the hard times
10. Believing in yourself; trust that things are working out for you, even if you can’t see it

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/seven_ways_to_find_your_purpose_in_life 

How do you know if a relationship is toxic and how do you know it's time to let go? Becky and Kristen jump right into it in this episode. We want to give a shoutout to Kameron for this topic idea. Thank you! We love listener input. If you have a topic you want us to discuss, please email us at [email protected] or join our free FB group Try Self-Love!

We want to start by saying that if this episode applies to you, we are sorry to hear that. Our hearts go out to you because we get it and we’ve been there. This is a process. It will hurt. The closer you are to someone the harder it may be to let go. It will be a journey. This is jumping from one roller coaster to another, and this time your challenges will be with yourself. Watch your thoughts! You may tell yourself things like, “You’re too sensitive” or ”She didn’t mean it” “Why does this bother you?” “You’re the only one who can’t get on board with this.” That doesn't help and may cause you more pain.

We highly recommend going to counseling or working with a coach if you are having a hard time moving through this process. A counselor will help you examine your part in it. A coach will help you with your goals and transformation so that you can love yourself throughout the process.

Don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself in a toxic relationship. You didn’t know better but now that you do, you can do things differently. For Kristen it was a failed romantic relationship. She wanted to make the person see my value, see what they lost. She became obsessed about the ways she could have made it better, what she could have done differently. She thought love was enough to make people love her back. She thought giving and overdoing would earn her the love she was seeking.

For Becky it was letting go of her relationship with her mom. It can be difficult to take a step back, especially with a family member. It’s okay to let go of anyone, even if they’re a blood relative. As you get better at loving yourself you can find people who also love you as you are. You can back away from those who don’t love or accept you. We will always want to be loved and accepted by others but we won’t be willing to put up with as much toxicity.

When you love yourself you don’t rely on others as much; you learn to fulfill a lot of your own needs. You will see the red flags earlier as you come into greater self-love. You will be able to find someone who can meet you on a healthier plane.

Tips:

1. Assess: what are my expectations? For the other person and for yourself. Is this relationship worth it?
2. Journal - Be completely honest with yourself; express anger, pain and hate. Forge this relationship with yourself because it’s the longest relationship you’ll be in while on this earth. Love, accept, listen to and be trustworthy to yourself; all the things you would do for someone else, do for you.
3. Let go of the hope that they will change. The only person you can change is yourself. Let go of the past. You cannot change what happened. When you look back, try to see it clearly, the good and the bad. Maybe you stayed because you didn’t want to be alone and you were willing to put up with the pain because you hoped that it would get better.
4. Leave space for forgiveness. Don’t force forgiveness - that will just cause you pain. Leave room in your heart to forgive yourself and the other person. 
5. This is a loss; let yourself grieve and feel the pain. Know that it’s not going to last forever.
6. Find the gift in the relationship. After enough time you will be able to see what you gained from this relationship. How are you different? How have you grown? What did you learn that will help you help others moving forward? Being able to help others in similar painful situations can be so healing to you.

Eckart...

Do you have a topic you want us to cover? Email us at [email protected] or post in our FB group Try Self-Love. We love listener input! Also, we'd love to hear your goals and resolutions for 2022. We want to celebrate you so email us and we'll give you a shout-out in future episodes.

Every year we write our New Year’s resolutions and then we beat ourselves up when we “fail.” We are here to get you halfway to the impossibly high expectations we put on ourselves. We want attainable and sustainable. Stop expecting so much; we aim for so much that’s not possible and then our mental health suffers.

For all the goals/resolutions that you want to do, we are here to help. Contact us for help with your insurmountable goals. A coach is a great person to help you break down the big goals into manageable steps. If you're not ready for a coach find someone who will hold you accountable, cheer you on and check in with you and support you.

Small changes will help you feel successful so there' s no shame with scaling back your goals and starting small. Have compassion for yourself and what you really want to do. Following through will be easier when you have goals that you actually want to do and believe in.

To have success with your goal:

• Anchor it in: Sticky notes will help you remember your goal but you need to move them around weekly or your brain will get used to them and no longer see them
• Habit stacking: Pair your habit with something you like to do. Example: watching your favorite show while on the treadmill; saving your favorite podcast for your walk.
• Celebrate when you do it right! Reward yourself regularly. When you ask a lot of yourself you also need to give back to yourself.
• We are not going to do it perfectly so let yourself off the hook once in awhile and keep trying.
• If trying to get exercise in, remember that any movement counts when you are older. Vacuuming, climbing your stairs, walking the dog.

For 2022, what will you choose NOT to do?

What Becky is not going to do:

1. I am not going to respond to passive-aggressive subtext anymore. I will let adults take charge of their own emotions. I will ignore, be a gray rock or walk away if I need to.
2. I am not going to have packaged sweets. I will make my own treats, once a week. For 7 years, every January, I have tried to quit sugar. This is more reasonable and realistic. 
3. I am not going to be mean to myself from 10am -12pm every day

What Kristen is not going to do:

1. I am not going to sit all day long; I am going to move more throughout the day. I enjoy walking, swimming or biking. On the days I can’t work out I will stretch or get up and walk around all day long
2. I will not over-schedule myself every day. I am an overachiever and need to scale it back. I want more balance in my life and to stop running from my feelings by being “busy” and giving a little too much.
3. I am working on loving my body. This requires baby steps if you're used to hating your body. Find a body part that you appreciate and can love: eyes, smile, elbow. Appreciate what your body does for you. Can you walk? Can you see? Did you bring a child into the world?

Becky and Kristen have their first disagreement! It's over The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. Don't worry, though; they work it out. :)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! In this very special holiday bonus episode Kristen and Becky explore hope and why it’s so wonderful to cultivate hope in your life. Hope is essential for a happy life, a clear picture of what you want and good mental health. Hope engenders empowerment. Our goals happen with hope because that feeling fuels action and belief in ourselves. Hope opens channels to your creativity and helps you get unstuck from a hopeless situation. 

We are not talking about false hope - holding onto something that deep down we know won’t really happen. It isn’t burying your head in the sand, hoping things will get better on their own because you’re not willing to do anything about it. We often misuse the word “hope” in the case of worrying about something: “I hope it doesn’t rain today.” Hope is more powerful than that!

Hope is a connection to God or your higher power. It’s connecting to good people and even to yourself. Without hope we don’t have joy in our life and we keep on the hamster wheel. Hope is the feeling of believing that things can and will get better. Hope is trusting that what you want to happen can happen for you. We can hope in God or your higher power to help you make your dreams become a reality.

The major benefits of hope are: it reduces stress, increases happiness, keeps you moving forward, gives you the strength to bounce back from obstacles, aids in problem-solving and reduces your feeling of helplessness.

We wish you a Merry Christmas full of peace, joy and HOPE!

In today's episode Becky and Kristen dive into what it means to be in the moment. Mindfulness helps you to feel more at ease and at peace. It helps offset anxiety and depression. Being present is something that requires practice. If you don’t have an intention to be present then it’s natural that you won’t be. We all have these brains that don't want to be present. They want to fix the future or dwell on the past - all in an attempt to protect us from the pain of making mistakes or getting hurt.

Thinking about the past leads to depression and what can never be again. Anxiety is about the unknown of the future. The only true reality is what is happening now. We need to accept things as they are. We try to control too much. We don’t have a time machine so we can’t go back in time to fix things. And we don’t have control over what happens in the future. We can just let things be.

Here are a few ways to stay present, even in the holiday chaos:

If you notice you are not present then stop and anchor in. How am I feeling? Breathe! You can’t breathe for the past and you can’t take extra breaths for the future. Is there a smell around that can help you get present? Do a body scan. See how you’re feeling. If you feel a tightness, breathe into it. Ask yourself what is going on. Tell yourself, “It’s okay; I am here with you.” Your brain cannot process your feelings. You have to feel it in your body.

Julia Cameron says to wake up and write three whole pages of whatever is going on in your brain. Nothing that comes up is off-limits. This is a really great way to connect to your feelings. Later when your brain wants to bring things up you cal tell yourself, “We already addressed this; it’s okay.” 

Visualize your daily goals every morning when you’re first waking up. Go through what you want the day to look like, no matter what lies ahead (or how bad the night before was). Becky doesn't sleep well so her avatar is tired but happy. “I’ve been tired before and I’ll be tired again - let’s have a great day anyway.”

Take a nature walk. When you’re walking mindfully you walk as if you are kissing the earth with your feet with each step. You feel the earth supporting you. You can feel gratitude for this beautiful earth and for being a part of it.

When you live in the present you are in a meditative state. If you want to live in a zen way then being connected to God or to your higher power will help you to feel calm and grounded. This is the key to peace. Meditation, prayer, journaling, hiking - all gets us into the zone of being whole and present.

Accept what is as though you asked for it. Progress over perfection. This is a way to get to know and love yourself better. Do the best you can and don’t be mad at yourself if it’s difficult to be present. We’re just looking for 1% improvement each day. You can do this!

Julia Cameron, “The Artist’s Way;” Thich Nhat Hanh, The Father of Mindfulness; Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now;” How to live in the present moment (Positive Psychology article)

Are you experiencing the holiday blues this season? If so, you're certainly not alone. Holiday blues happen in November and go through the beginning of the next year. This is different from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and MDD (major depressive disorder). If you already suffer from SAD or MDD, then this can exacerbate the holiday blues. Please take care of yourself, especially this holiday season.

Symptoms of the holiday blues:

-When you no longer get joy out of the activities that usually bring joy

-Not getting enough sleep and/or inability to sleep

-The zoning out behaviors= gambling, shopping, overeating or overindulging in alcohol/drugs

-Wanting to self-isolate 

-Feeling inadequate, anxious, irritable

Tips for caring for your mental health (Combating depression):

-Exercising regularly is essential for peak mental health. Go for a walk or run an errand. Get out of the house. You may not feel like getting any exercise but afterward you will be glad you did. If it's too cold to exercise outside you can always find ways to work out at home. There's Youtube yoga, climbing your stairs and even lifting canned goods.

-Eating healthy food regularly - keeping blood sugar levels stable helps stabilize mood

-Minimize sugar, caffeine. These substances wreak havoc on our immune system, sleep patterns and moods.

-Learn to say, “no.” This is a great time to practice having healthy boundaries. People may be more understanding since it's such a busy time for us all.

-Try to implement new holiday traditions if the old ones are no longer available. Covid has shut down a lot of our normal activities but we can still find ways to celebrate the holidays.

-Be around people. Isolating yourself magnifies depression. Go serve someone, whether in your neighborhood or in a soup kitchen.

-Find time to take care of yourself. Does that look like 20 minutes alone in your car? Will you need extra support at family dinner? Look out for yourself and show yourself that you have your own back.

If you have thoughts of harming yourself in any way, please reach out to a loved one, someone you trust or call the national suicide prevention hotline 800-273-8255. Help is always available.

If you’re grieving the loss of someone you love this holiday season, please know that you will get through it. Feeling sad is to be expected; this is not what we’re talking about this episode. We will discuss grief in a future episode.

symptoms quiz

"Am I going to be too rich or too famous and then lose all my friends?" If you have ever had these or other fears that keep you from dreaming big, this is the episode you need! Becky and Kristen dive deep into the fear of success, a.k.a. "achievemephobia" and break down the reasons we stay stuck in fear rather than move forward toward success.

The fear of success looks pretty similar for most of us. If you are successful you are afraid things will change. (However, if you fail, most likely things will stay the same.) Worrying, "Will I be able to juggle all of it?" or "Am I going to become a totally different person if I have too much money?" is very common. Many fear of not being able to sustain the higher level of success, productivity. Another consistent dream-killer is the idea that others will think you're full of yourself if you are successful and they're not.

Small wins are successes. Only you can define what success looks like in your life. Small wins are successes. Show yourself some self-love as you celebrate the small successes while still reaching for the larger goal. This keeps you motivated to keep progressing. Ease into the changes and recognize that even though things may be changing, you are okay.

References: Forbes, Very Well Mind, Psychology Today