Try Self-Love

This week's bonus Thanksgiving episode covers gratitude - not surprising, perhaps, but you probably don't know some of the reasons Kristen and Becky promote gratitude all year long. You probably know the health benefits - being thankful means you will feel less stressed, less depressed, less physical pain and perhaps sleep better. You will also feel happier and enjoy increased confidence.

Did you know that practicing gratitude offsets negative mindsets such as entitlement, victimhood or resentment? We sometimes think people are happy and then they feel grateful but the opposite is true. The people who practice gratitude feel happiness no matter what their life circumstances may be.

The Dalai Lama said that, "We need to learn how to want what we have NOT to have what we want, in order to get steady and stable Happiness." You invite a power into your life when you learn to want what you already have because at one point, you didn't have it and now you do.

Being thankful also shows humility to God (or your higher power). We are not owed anything that we have. Everything is a gift. Gratitude is about appreciating things as they are, not as we think they should be. Accepting what you have also shows that you are willing to receive another's offering and their intent behind it.

Start your day with a gratitude journal. Even acknowledging one thing that you appreciate each day can have an impact on your mental state. Happy Thanksgiving. We're grateful for YOU, listener!

Believe it or not - the holidays can be fun, peaceful and beautiful! In this fun bonus episode Becky and Kristen share great tips for enjoying the holidays. You can spend this time stressed or you can find moments to practice self-love and self-care. We can't promise you will enjoy EVERY moment but you will certainly find yourself in a better space as you practice these ideas. Taking the time to take care of yourself during the holidays will set the stage for the new year and beyond. With our help you really can enjoy the "happiest time of the year."

How good are you at offering yourself some compassion? Most people are terrible at it! The majority of people don't even think about it. Being kind to yourself does not come naturally but listen to this episode and you will find out how to get better at it.

Kristen and Becky want you to learn about self-compassion and how to adopt this essential practice each day. Dr. Kristin Neff explains that self-compassion involves treating yourself the way you would treat a friend, even if your friend feels inadequate or is facing a problem they don’t think they can solve.

You can become a person who thinks they’re doing a pretty good job at life. That doesn’t mean you’re perfect and you don’t have things to work on, but it does mean you can give yourself the benefit of the doubt. (Spoiler alert - this allows you to do the same for others and greatly improves relationships!)

Resources from the episode: Dr. Kristin Neff, Pioneer of Self-Compassion; The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle; Thought Journal

We continue the discussion on codependency this week. If you say yes to either of the following questions, you may be codependent. Ask yourself: Do I have a lot of people in my life with a lot of needs? And Do I have a hard time asking for help? If you said yes to either question you may be codependent. 

Some baby steps to start healing include: 

1. If someone comes to you with a problem, don’t solve it for them. Take a tiny step back (don’t worry you’re not abandoning the person). Be a listening ear but let them be the adult in their own life.

2. Practice saying, “no.” You can say it as kindly as you’d like: “Thank you for asking me for help but I can’t this time.” See how it feels not to rescue someone. You may feel badly the first time but when you say, “no” to someone you are really saying, “yes” to yourself.

3. Start to evaluate why you do so much for people. Ask yourself the hard questions. Do I really want to? Am I helping out of guilt? Do I think they can’t do it on their own so I think I have to jump in?

It is okay to say “no” to people. Breathe that in. It’s not selfish to love yourself. As you do you allow others the space to love themselves, too. Healing is a work in progress and you can take all the time you need. 

Codependency can become an addiction. Like other behaviors it helps us avoid our own pain or problems. We can become addicted to the drama of another person’s life and challenges. You did not develop your codependency on purpose. It stems from a desire to help others and your fear of being abandoned or not needed. The solution your brain came up with was something like this: If i can help everyone around me then I’ll be needed and loved. I’ll never be forgotten or ignored.

Kristen and Becky tackle the juicy topic of codependency in this episode. Are you codependent in any of your relationships? Some signs include: low levels of self-esteem; anxiety; stress; poor boundaries; trouble communicating; or low levels of narcissism. Codependency comes from a place of love but is not the healthiest way to be in a relationship. It occurs when you are completely focused on someone else, afraid that they will mess up their own life if you don't "help." You don't want to see your loved one suffer or have any pain so you take over. You solve their problems, cushion their fall and may get resentful when they don't do it "your way."

Even if you see some of these traits in yourself, there is hope. Start by focusing more on your needs and filling them in a healthy way. If you want to be coached on this, join our free FB group, Try Self-Love. Both Becky and Kristen would love to help you through a complimentary session to see where you're feeling stuck.

Melody Beattie, "Codependent No More"; Teri Cole, Boundary Boss; for more info on codependency go to pyschologytoday.com and postivepyschology.com

In this episode Becky and Kristen break down boundaries and give guidance on how to safely add them into your life. These magical tools are the road map that shows us who we are and what is important to us. Boundaries teach others how we want to be treated. If boundaries are foreign to you (maybe you weren’t taught about or allowed to have boundaries) then it may feel “mean” or wrong at first. Boundaries are not about pushing people away or controlling their behavior. They let us open our hearts for others to safely enter. Just like self-love this takes practice but you can do it and we're here to help!

If you tend to overdo in relationships or swoop in so you can “rescue” someone, you are engaging in people-pleasing. This coping mechanism is learned young; we all want to be a “good” girl or boy and making others happy earns us a gold star. As children we seek love, safety and belonging because it’s how we’re wired; we need others to care for us in order to survive. Learning to make our parents our caretakers happy helps us to feel like we have some sense of control in our little world.

One unfortunate side effect of people-pleasing is that you lose yourself; you put on different masks for the different relationships you are in, always trying to anticipate the other’s needs. You give and give only to end up depleted, resentful and angry. You can experience anxiety, depression and a low sense of self-worth.

If you see some of this behavior in yourself (we all do it) the good news is that, with practice, you can change! Start by becoming aware of the things you are doing. Before you say “yes” to anything, step back and ask yourself a few questions:

• Do I have time to do this?
• Do I want to do this?
• Does this align with my values?

If the answer is “no,” then please say “no.” It may feel very foreign at first but that’s okay; stepping out of your comfort zone is never comfortable. You can always say, “no” in a kind manner. I like to say, “Thank you so much for asking/inviting/thinking of me. That doesn’t work for me right now but I really appreciate it.” You don’t have to provide any reasons or excuses. You are simply allowed to say “no.”

Work on some affirmations to help yourself in the process. Try one of the following:

• My needs are just as important as anyone else’s. 
• I care about myself enough to speak up about what is best for me.
• I matter, too.
• I’m not being selfish when I self-advocate. 

Becky and Kristen want to know what's driving your bus? We all have beliefs about ourselves, others and the world, both limiting and empowering. We were given these beliefs as children by parents, caregivers, authority figures, peers and society. These underlying beliefs “drive the bus” of our behavior but we are generally unaware of them. Now is the time to get those limiting beliefs out of the driver’s seat so you can live and love from a place of worthiness, self-love and joy. 

Episode 5 explores anxiety and fear. Being anxious takes our thinking brain offline, leaving us with racing thoughts, a pit in our stomach and an immune system that is overloaded with stress. Life is hard but we want it to also be fun and enjoyable. Self-love helps you make peace with what you’re feeling so that you can more easily move through the fear into calm, ease and enjoyment.

This episode covers that topic that everyone experiences but no one wants to talk about - shame! Dive into it with Becky and Kristen to discover ways to minimize the hold it has on you. With several nods to Dr. Brené Brown, the leading expert on shame, we uncover what it is and how to combat it, specifically with the lens of self-love. (To learn more about her vital work you can go to Brené Brown's website and get more information.)