UnBecoming with Elena Joy

🎧 Episode Title: Dear Independent Human: Why Asking for Help Feels So Damn Hard📝 Show Notes:

If you've ever thought, “I’ll just do it myself”—this one’s for you.

In today’s episode, Elena Joy pulls back the curtain on one of the biggest misunderstandings about asking for help. It’s not about pride. It’s not even about capacity. It’s about connection. And when we stop asking, we might be unintentionally telling people: “There’s no room for you here.”

This episode is a love letter to every self-sufficient human who learned to protect themselves by never needing anyone. Through a deeply personal story about parenting, healing, and finally asking for help without crisis, Elena reveals what shifts when we make Asks from alignment, not shame.

You’ll learn:

Why Asking is actually an invitation (not a burden)

How “being the strong one” can quietly isolate you

What happens when we rewire our default settings around intimacy and support

If you’re holding back an Ask—or don’t even know what you need yet—this episode is your gentle nudge.

Referenced:📚 Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to Power by Kasia Urbaniak — a game-changing book on power dynamics, communication, and reclaiming your voice. Highly recommended if burnout has you feeling voiceless.

✨ Call to Action:Forward this episode to someone who needs to make an Ask and connect. Or hit reply and tell me—what Ask have you been holding back?

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

This is Part 2 of my series on Relational Capacity. In Part 1, I shared a personal story about how my own disconnection nearly burned me out. If you missed it, you can read it here. Today, we’re digging into what Relational Capacity actually is, why it matters for burnout, and how to start rebuilding it.

Show Notes – Resilience is OUT. Connection is IN.

Burnout isn’t always about doing too much—it’s about feeling like you’re doing it all alone.

In Part 2 of my Relational Capacity series, we dig into why connection at work isn’t a “nice-to-have.” It’s infrastructure. The strength of our relationships—our ability to trust, repair, and be real with one another—is what determines whether we can thrive under pressure or spiral toward burnout.

You’ll learn:✅ What Relational Capacity actually is and why it matters for performance✅ How depleted connection accelerates burnout (even for top performers)✅ Simple, science-backed steps to rebuild trust and belonging in daily life✅ Why micro-moments of presence make or break your capacity

💡 This month, I’m running my proprietary Capacity Assessment for free during Joyful Office Hours. Normally only available in keynotes and corporate trainings, this tool shows you exactly which type of capacity you’re most depleted in—so you can invest where it matters most.

👉 Register here for Joyful Office Hours

If you missed Part 1 (my personal story of disconnection and burnout), you can catch up here.

And here are the links to the sources I referenced in the Cost of Disconnection: American Journal of Preventive Medicine and A 50% increase in belonging could reduce exhaustion by 14%.  Source

Subscribe so you don’t miss Part 3, where we’ll explore how Relational Capacity fuels leadership that actually lasts.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

Episode Title: When Love Meant Being Saved Episode Summary: Have you ever mistaken being “rescued” for being loved? In this deeply personal episode, I share the story of how I learned to stop relating to people as someone who needed saving—and what happened when I finally showed up as my whole self. We’ll explore how our patterns of relating shape our confidence, our ability to connect, and even our risk of burnout. If you’ve ever wondered why belonging feels so hard—and how to rebuild connection that feels like freedom—this episode is for you.

What You’ll Learn:

Why some relationships thrive on “fixer and fixed” dynamics—and why that eventually crumblesHow our ability to relate authentically impacts our resilience and burnout riskThe power of building Relational Capacity—trust, connection, and psychological safety—with othersHow showing up as your whole self transforms both your relationships and your leadership

Links & Resources: 👉 BurnoutStarterKit.com 👉 LatitudeLeaders.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

🎙 Show Notes – When Was the Last Time You Got Radically Honest With Yourself?

When was the last time you ripped the duct tape off your own mouth and said the truth you’ve been avoiding?

“I hate my job.”“I don’t want this life I’ve built.”“I feel numb and lost.”

This episode is about the kind of honesty that feels dangerous—the honesty we avoid because once we admit it, we fear everything will have to change.

Here’s the twist: saying the truth out loud doesn’t force you to change a damn thing. It just gives you agency. It lets you choose—intentionally—what happens next.

🔥 What We Cover

Why radical self-honesty is the foundation of Emotional Capacity

The story of Tawnia, who spent over a decade avoiding her own truth—and burned out because of it

A 10-minute weekly practice to build Strategic Vulnerability with yourself

Why avoiding truth silently drains your capacity—and how facing it puts you back in charge of your life

💡 Key Truth Bombs

Burnout isn’t about overwork. It’s about self-abandonment.

Radical honesty doesn’t create problems—it reveals the ones you’ve been carrying in silence.

Emotional Capacity can always be rebuilt—starting with one uncomfortable truth.

🎁 Get Your Free Burnout Prevention Starter Kit

Ready to stop performing a life that isn’t yours? Grab my free Burnout Prevention Starter Kit—3 video lessons, a workbook, a visualization audio, and yes…a massive completion prize. Because that’s how we roll.👉 BurnoutStarterKit.com

🔥 Subscribe & Join the Conversation

I’m writing a book about the five hidden capacities that prevent burnout—and this episode is part of that journey.

📩 Subscribe, share this episode with someone ready to stop lying to themselves, and hit reply to tell me:What truth have you been avoiding saying out loud?

Let’s ignite the kind of honesty that sets you free—because the second you stop gaslighting your own experience, you don’t just prevent burnout.💥 You start getting your joy back.

🔗 More at LatitudeLeaders.com | Free kit at BurnoutStarterKit.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

🎙️ Episode Title:Emotional Constipation: A Leadership Epidemic

📝 Show Notes:

What if the real reason you feel disconnected—from your team, your partner, your life—has nothing to do with your workload… and everything to do with your emotional backlog?

In this episode, we’re talking about Emotional Capacity—what it is, why most of us were never taught how to build it, and how the lack of it quietly erodes our leadership, relationships, and sense of self.

You’ll learn:

Why emotions are actually data, not drama

How emotional suppression burns more energy than you think

What it means to “feel more to burn out less”

Three small (but powerful) steps to rebuild your Emotional Capacity

And how to finally stop performing leadership and start feeling your way forward

This isn’t about getting weepy in board meetings. It’s about reclaiming your inner guidance system so you can lead with clarity, connection, and self-trust.

💡 One-liner to remember:You can’t connect with others if you’re hoarding unprocessed emotions like a leadership hoarder.

🎧 Mentioned in this episode:

The Emotion Wheel (yes, really)

Somatic cues and where feelings hide

Why burnout recovery starts with learning to name what you feel

🫶🏼 If this hit home:

Share this with a leader who’s been feeling hollow lately

Subscribe to UnBecoming with Elena Joy for more emotionally honest leadership tools

Or hit reply and tell me what your gut’s been trying to say (I actually read them)

🌐 More Tools:

BurnoutStarterKit.com

LatitudeLeaders.com

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

I was 37. Married. Stay-at-home mom to four kids. But mostly, I was Mormon.

The Mormon church saved me when I was 16. Or so I believed. They showed me the exact to-do list that qualified me as worthy of God’s love. They said as long as I checked off the worthiness list, God had to love me forever. Those were the rules, and having full control over whether I was loved or not sounded real good to me. So I told them,

“Dunk me.”

Baptized at 16. Married in the Temple at age 20. Four kids by age 31. Honey, I was so good at keeping those rules. I mean, if God’s love was guaranteed, wouldn’t you? And if you were told that your body was full of sin potential and likely to be the reason for you to break those rules and lose God’s love, wouldn’t you ignore everything your body tried to tell you?

The Touch That Shattered the Silence

I don’t know if I grew deaf to the nudges from my intuition or if my gut stopped talking. The lack of feeling…almost anything, I guess, made it easy to be obedient. By the time I sat in that high school auditorium next to her at age 37, my body hadn’t said anything in a long time.

And then she put her hand on my leg. And my body spoke.

We were there to watch a few of my nieces and nephews perform in the spring musical. The crowd was filling in, and I was fully oblivious of the intense anxiety my body experienced in crowds. I hadn’t even noticed my leg nervously bouncing. But she did.

She put her hand on my leg. And my body spoke, no, screamed. It felt electric. And it changed everything.

What Came Next

Fell in love.

Lost my mind.

Tried to pray it away.

Signed up for conversion therapy.

Thought about ending it.

Got divorced.

Left the church.

Became a single mom.

Started over.

What the Hell Just Happened?

Now I’m 40 and working with my first non-Mormon therapist. She’s… wait for it… a lesbian. Like, her whole life. She’s married.

It’s like being in the room with an exotic animal.

I ask her, “Why didn’t I know this about myself? I need to figure out my life, like right now, and it feels so scary. What if I get another 20 years down the road, and something else about who I am comes along and blows up my life? Again.

How could I have been so disconnected from myself?

And what if it happens again?”

I Had Everything. But I Didn’t Have Me.

I could read you my Mormon resume to prove how faithful I had been, but unless you wore a CTR ring as a kid, it wouldn’t mean anything to you. It’s clearer just to say I spent decades working my ass off to be the world’s most amazing Mormon mom. Four kids, a devout husband, a house in THAT neighborhood. Minivan. I owned a successful photography studio, I served in my church, and I prayed like my life depended on it. Because it felt like it did, every.single.day.

We lived in a neighborhood that was 40% Mormon. Mormon congregations are organized geographically, so the closest 150 families or so make up your “ward”. This meant I didn’t see my “ward family” just on Sundays. Everywhere I went, I heard it, “Hey Sister Thurston!”

I thought it was normal to have migraines due to clenching my jaw, all day and all night. I thought all moms lost their minds over spilled milk. I thought my ability to abide by all the rules was due to my righteousness, not fear.

I thought my body stayed silent because that was faith. I could only trust emotions when they came from God.

The Funeral of Who I Was

We had to sell the “forever home” in the divorce. I tried to leave the ghost of my former self in the kitchen with the tile I had picked out. But she followed me to the rental, just 10 minutes down the road.

When people ask me, “When did you come out?” I have to ask whether they’re referring to the Mormon Church or my sexuality, because the “coming out” verbiage is used for both. And fascinatingly, their response is often the same regardless.

“Good for you for being authentic.” “Look at you, so brave.” “You did the right thing; you should be proud of that.” All kind words, all nice people. But none of them had to sit in the aftermath, holding my ghost’s hand at her funeral.

I spent a lot of time grieving, attending the funerals of who I had been, funerals of relationships and future plans. To grieve, one must be alive. And I had that. The grief became the gateway; it taught me the language of my soul.

Coming out didn’t feel like a choice, so I didn’t feel brave. But I did feel alive. I had no idea who I was, but I could feel. Finally.

From 4 Crayons to 164

Hands down, the hardest part of living your truth is actually feeling what it costs you. I learned that emotions can’t kill me, even though it sure doesn’t feel that way. I learned that my anxiety is my mind trying to find control, and my depression is my heart yearning for passion. I learned that my grief could be equal to my joy, if I let it. I learned my body was offering the love I sought, minus the to-do list.

These days, in my corporate trainings, I like to joke that some people’s emotions are like the 164-pack of crayons. And some people’s emotions are like the 4-pack you get at restaurants.

I’ve been both. The 164-pack is harder sometimes. But they make it much, much easier. Because these days, I don’t need God to tell me I’m worthy.

I can feel it.

Life with emotions that big, that varied, it’s intense. A bit of a roller coaster. As someone who spent her entire adult life with the emotional depth of a Stepford Wife, actually experiencing my life, my emotions, my body - it’s a lot, ngl.

And it’s mine. All mine.

The world called it brave. I called it a funeral. But maybe it was a birth.

Because that day in the auditorium, I heard my body loud and clear:

You’re still in there. Come find me.

This is Part 1 of 2, exploring how emotional disconnection can screw up our lives and careers, while driving us to burnout.

In the next piece, I’m breaking down Emotional Capacity: what it is, how we lose it, and how to get it back without abandoning yourself (again). It’s part of the book I’m writing on burnout and the 5 hidden capacities we sacrifice when we’re trying too hard to be "good."

Emotional Capacity is one of them. If you’re feeling numb and disconnected from yourself, or you’re on an emotional rollercoaster that’s taking you for a ride, you may be running low, so I hope you’re able to check in.

If this story stirred something in you, hit subscribe. If it sounded uncomfortably familiar, hit reply. I’d love to hear. And if it made you want to scream into the void, send it to someone who’s grieving the version of themselves they had to be.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

🎙️ UnBecoming with Elena Joy

Episode Title: The Energy It Takes to Be Understood

Subtitle: How High-Achieving Leaders Burn Out Behind the Mask

Episode Summary: Welcome back to UnBecoming, where we say the things no one’s teaching you about leadership and life. In today’s episode, I’m reading the second installment of our burnout series, diving deep into Cognitive Capacity—what it is, how we burn through it without realizing it, and why so many high-achievers feel exhausted even when they're still "functioning."

I share personal stories (including a flashback I didn’t see coming), professional insights from coaching brilliant, chaotic, misunderstood leaders, and the truth about how masking, code-switching, and chronic performance eat away at our capacity long before burnout becomes obvious.

We’ll explore:

Why some people get praised for their “intensity” while others are labeled “difficult”

How internal disconnection and invisible labor lead to depletion

Why burnout isn’t always about doing too much—it’s about being too much for them and not enough for yourself

You’ll also hear wisdom from two powerful thinkers:

📘 Dr. V. Boykin, whose book Fix Your Face and Watch Your Tone shines a bright light on identity, emotional labor, and workplace expectations. Learn more: drvboykin.com

📘 Kasia Urbaniak, former dominatrix turned power dynamics expert, who reminds us that “With awareness comes choice.” Her book Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to Power is a must-read.

💥 When you stop burning half your mental fuel just to be understood, you reclaim energy for creativity, clarity, and presence.

Links Mentioned:

Read the full article: Stop Reading My Face (Part 1)

Learn about the Five Capacities: Burnout Doesn’t Play Favorites

Explore more at: elenajoyspeaks.substack.com and LatitudeLeaders.com

Calls to Action:→ Forward this episode to someone whose brilliance keeps getting misread.→ Subscribe to keep building a world where authenticity is strategy, chaos is sacred, and burnout gets no applause.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

In this episode, I read aloud my latest Substack piece: Stop Reading My Face. It’s about facial masking, trauma, ADHD, and the cognitive cost of constantly performing clarity for others. If you’ve ever been misunderstood because your expression didn’t match your intent, or punished for how your face looked while someone else was speaking, this one’s for you.I share how a smile in the wrong moment led to a full-circle realization about my childhood, my relationships, and why so many neurodivergent women are losing the ability, and willingness, to mask.This is a love note to everyone who’s exhausted by being misread, mislabeled, and emotionally multitasking just to survive the room.Burnout isn’t always about doing too much. Sometimes it’s about being too much in a system that doesn’t know how to receive you.If this resonates, hit subscribe. If it pisses you off in a good way, send it to someone who keeps misreading your damn face.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

I love that Juneteenth falls during Pride Month. While I could highlight the countless humans of color who have been instrumental in both LGBTQ+ and civil rights, that’s not the best offering I can give on a day like today.

Instead, let me show you how I’m finding my racism and deconstructing it. It’s the most honest contribution I can make.

As a middle-aged white queer woman whose internalized bias nearly took her life, identifying my internalized racism isn’t something that can be wrapped up in a single essay. It’s layered, ongoing, and often uncomfortable.

But it’s real. And it matters.

The First Domino

To be clear, it was my internalized homophobia that nearly ended things for me, not my internalized racism. But once you start peeling back the layers of “I’m a good person” in one area, it topples the rest.

Internalized racism, misogyny, ableism, and transphobia: they’re all connected. All baked in. And once one domino falls, the rest begin to wobble.

I could only find the first domino by removing shame, and the most powerful path was to recognize, every single human has internalized bias, including racism. ALL OF US. Therefore, the only shame is in ignoring that reality and doing nothing about it.

Dropping the shame allowed me to identify the false dichotomy: just because I identify as a good person who would never knowingly harm a person of color, does not mean that I’m an ally, or even net neutral with my impact. In other words,

I can be a good person and still have internalized racism that harms humans I care about, and myself.

Sitting with that truth is a powerful exercise in and of itself. So let me ask you:

How does your allyship change when you release shame and accept that racism lives in all of us?

Learning to See

First, identification: Where is my internalized racism playing out in my life? Well, my brain couldn’t see it, because #neuroscience. I couldn’t intellectualize myself out of racism. So instead of thinking, I began doing.

As part of my first step, I began learning from the lived experience of Black humans, and just as importantly, I believed them. I sat in spaces to hear the stories of racial profiling, generational trauma, and systemic harm. AND I BELIEVED THEM.

Which, of course, made me want to act. Most of us, once we understand the injustice, want to take action. So I began sharing what they taught me, experimenting with my own words, as I tried to change minds and systems. And guess what?

I screwed up. I used harmful language. I centered myself. I did dumb things.

And it freaked me out.

When a Black woman you deeply respect, but have never spoken to directly, slides into your DMs with, “Excuse me, it’s time to check yourself. Here’s why…”

Whew. Buckle up, fam.

What happens when you say the wrong thing as an ally?

First, your ego-based defensiveness shows up faster than Elon can tweet. Yup. The exact reaction you know not to have… is the one you trip over immediately.

So you retreat. Lick your wounds. And hopefully, return with humility, ready to try again.

And then? You get called out again.

That’s when you realize: there’s no trophy for allyship. No scoreboard. No final boss where you “beat” racism.

There’s just impact. Your intent does not matter. It’s a hard habit to break: defending the harm you create through your positive intent. It’s especially hard for those of us raised on gold stars and good-girl approval.

Once you see how dumb it is, you can’t unsee it. I can be a good person and still create a negative impact. The question is, can I understand the harm enough (read: remove ego) to try again? Because that’s the only way to get to positive impact.

Go next. (This is a phrase that denotes “don’t waste time wallowing in your mistake, focus on the next opportunity to get it right.”)

Sustaining the Work

That’s when I realized truth #2: you always suck when you begin learning a new skill. Allyship to the Black community is no different. I’d rather suck while trying, then keep my head in the sand the way I did for the first 40 years of my life.

So you keep trying, and the feedback keeps coming. In fact, it increases! As hard as this can feel, it’s actually a good sign! It means the people you’re impacting are beginning to trust that you’ll listen when they tell you what’s up.

They won’t have to waste their time and energy reassuring you that “it’s okay” while also teaching you how to do better.

Rinse and repeat.

Where does this get me?

Depends. What kind of impact do you truly want to have?

What impact aligns with your Core Values, sparks a fire strong enough to withstand the iciness of white fragility, AND is realistic with your skillset?

For me, I started with my Core Values: humanity, presence, and connection. Anytime I can base a goal on one or more of those, I can sustain the journey to get there. Next, I added some skills. One of my superpowers is breaking down hard topics like internalized bias into understandable, actionable concepts for people who look and talk like me.

I also recognized that I spent two decades in the room with white, conservative men whose entire identity was “I’m a good person, therefore I do not create harm.” I know their language, their logic, and the pain they’ve caused in their own families. That’s a skill.

I can say things to them that no one else can. Mainly because they know I can’t judge them. There’s nothing they can say to me that I didn’t say myself just ten years ago.

There is no time for shame in learning how not to be a racist.

My Role

My goal is to walk into places of business, where influential people gather to learn new skills, connect authentically with them by being radically present to their reality, focus on our shared humanity, and show them a path where they can realistically stop doing and saying racist things at work, which will improve their quality of life the way it has mine.

I am NOT an anti-racism educator. (I link my faves below.) I am the person who can walk into a room with 12 white male executives and open the mental window. I create a way for leaders to actually see what’s happening, disarm the defensiveness, and start the unlearning process.

This is my desired impact. Every strategy that I use centers that impact. There is no one right way to pursue that goal. And if I fail or fall short, that’s just data.

Is it embarrassing? Yup.

Go next.

To pursue my goal, sometimes I open the window behind closed doors. Deconstructing your worldview in public is nearly impossible for anyone, let alone those whose privilege is baked into their DNA.

Sometimes, I facilitate the conversation. Asking the real questions, passing the mic to the Black human with the answers, and believing them out loud.

Always, I stay mindful: I will screw up. When, not if. I will say the wrong thing. There will be a misstep, and it will be public. Let’s radically acknowledge that reality. And yeah, getting my backside handed to me over LinkedIn comments is not pleasant.

“See?! What about cancel culture?!” they say. And let’s not ignore that reality either. I am a single mom who pays the bills by convincing Corporate America that I’m worth the paycheck.

Why risk my ability to put food on the table by potentially alienating them? Valid.

Homosexual audacity made me do it.

“Homosexual audacity” is a tongue-in-cheek phrase in my community for the mindset you develop when your very existence defies expectation. I never dreamed that I would be an ex-Mormon, lesbian, business owner, but here we are. Baby, I believe I can do anything, regardless of having the actual skill. Not to mention, lesbians specifically don’t understand the concept of “can’t”. Everyone needs a lesbian in their life, boo.

And thank goodness for the audacity, because I’ve met so many humans who want to live from their true self, not the one programmed by society’s bias. Many already feel the discomfort. The gut-check that says:

“My impact probably doesn’t match my intent.”

They just don’t know where to start. My job is to walk beside them as they unlearn, shed old habits, and unbecome the version of themselves shaped by survival, not authenticity.

This is how we look back and know that the life we lived was really ours, not the result of societal puppet masters. This is how we reclaim our identity, and therefore our power.

Engaging in this work has expanded my world in the most beautiful ways.

What could it mean for your life?

On this day, Juneteenth of 2025, it’s imperative that we ask:

This life you’re living, does it belong to you, or to the systems that raised you?

Thanks for reading! If this resonated and felt like MORE, please subscribe.

Cool resources for Juneteenth

Jasmine Bradshaw - her podcast is a treasure trove for parents, as well as for those of us who need to start with an “explain it like I’m five” approach. Now she works with schools and other organizations.

Ashani Mfuko - incredible anti-racism educator when you’re ready for the real talk.

The Black HR Society - their educational events are a huge value, and their networking events are fire.

Jimmy Hart is one of my favorite educators when your org needs a powerful Black man to do the teaching, with a gentle approach. Hearing how he experienced desegregation as a child was a pivotal moment for me.

At the intersection of Black culture, queer culture, and spirtuality is Coach K, Kalyela Josephs (pronounced like “Delilah”). When members of the Black community struggle with LGBTQ+ equality, it’s often spiritually based, and that’s Coach K’s wheelhouse. She’s an incredible human for both individuals and organizations.

Find your local Black Chamber of Commerce and pull up. Connect human-to-human, learn about their businesses and their goals, then take action.

These are the resources I have direct experience with. Please share who you have found to be helpful!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com

Burnout in 2025 hits different. The workload is heavy, sure. But that’s not what’s breaking us.

It’s the fact that every conversation feels like a transaction. Every meeting can feel like a pitch. Every interaction is another moment to brace yourself, smile politely, and perform. It’s giving relational poverty and it sucks.

For HR and Procurement leaders especially, vendor meetings can feel like one more sales gauntlet to run. For consultants like me and vendors like Vera, the pressure is intense to say all the “right” things, all day every day.

Personally, I think the answer to burnout isn’t fewer meetings necessarily… but more human ones. I propose that the right kind of connection actually gives us back time, clarity, and emotional bandwidth.

My conversation with swag expert and empathy ninja Vera Minot reminded me of something essential: when we treat vendors and clients as partners and humans, we’re rewarded with strategic insight, unexpected joy, and here’s the kicker… actual capacity in the tank.

Strategic Vulnerability as a Burnout Disruptor

Throughout this interview series, leaders keep naming it: burnout in 2025 feels isolating, overwhelming, and deeply depleting. I’m starting to believe one of the main culprits is a chronic overexposure to transaction-focused relationships.

That’s why my company’s burnout prevention framework includes a skillset called Strategic Vulnerability: practices that help leaders restore emotional and relational capacity, build trust, and prevent the kind of quiet disconnection that slowly burns us out.

Vera and I opened our conversation with a Strategic Vulnerability exercise we both use in vendor and client meetings: Love / Loathe / Suck / Superpower. It’s one sentence for each. What do you love doing? What drains you? What’s just not in your wheelhouse? And where do you shine?

This deceptively simple tool works because it lets us drop the mask, without crossing the line. Time and time again, that moment of grounded honesty is where real partnership begins.

When Clarity Feels Better Than Performance

After we share what we’re great at and what we suck at, it clears the path for a powerful question Vera often asks her clients and vendors:

“What part of your work are you great at, and where do you fall short? How do you handle that for clients like me?”

That kind of clarity is a burnout disruptor in and of itself. And it’s emotional intelligence in action.

Because here’s the truth: a vendor who can’t admit their own limitations probably isn’t a great match for a values-aligned leader. And a client who pretends to have it all figured out will miss out on the kind of support that actually lightens the load.

The Hidden Cost of Transactional Relationships

When we perform leadership, rather than lead from who we really are, we drain capacity without even realizing it. That performance mode shows up in meetings. In sales calls. In every interaction where we think we need to be polished, perfect, or “on.”

As we’ve seen in other interviews, like with CEO coach Terry Flores or leadership guide Diana Charbonneau, this pressure to perform is one of burnout’s sneakiest buddies. Add in a lack of clear communication, and the cost multiplies.

How much time, energy, and budget do we waste because no one said what really needed to be said on those calls?

When every conversation is transactional, we don’t just lose joy. We lose the information we need to actually prevent burnout.

What Real Partnership Looks Like (Even in a Swag Order)

At the beginning of new client relationships, Vera doesn’t just ask about branding and budget. She asks about communication styles, conflict recovery, and what “being let down” usually looks like in their world.

She radically acknowledges what we usually pretend not to know:

Mistakes will happen. And how we handle them matters more than whether they happen at all.

This kind of emotional fluency doesn’t just prevent drama. It builds real working relationships. Relationships where deliverables improve, misunderstandings drop, and teams actually enjoy the process.

One of my favorite moments from our chat was Vera’s version of a perfect kickoff question:

“Tell me what would chap your bum, so I can try really hard not to do that.”

If you’ve ever left a vendor meeting feeling depleted, you might try starting the next one with:

“This is what I love doing. This is what I suck at. Can you help?”

You might be surprised at the clarity and relief that follows.

How’s Your Systemic Support Capacity?

One of the five burnout indicators in the Leadership Capacity Framework is Systemic Support: the people, processes, and partnerships that enable you to do your best work with the least unnecessary effort.

Strategic vendors are part of that system. When you stop trying to do it all yourself and instead align with partners who complement your strengths, your nervous system exhales.

Suddenly, the job doesn’t feel so lonely, and the success isn’t just on your shoulders.

The Invitation: Try It In Your Next Meeting

After listening to this episode, I dare you to try Love/Loathe/Suck/Superpower at the start of your next client or vendor call. If that feels like too much, try this instead:

“What would working really well together look like for you?”

Or, if you’re ready to shake things up:

“How are you going to let me down? And how do you recover from it?”

Just remember: connection through vulnerability only works when it’s mutual. So be prepared to answer in kind.

The Weird Joy of Pulling Weeds in the Rain

At the end of every interview, I ask my guests how they’re accessing joy lately. Because I believe joy is more than an outcome—it’s a burnout prevention strategy.

Vera’s answer? Pulling weeds in the monsoon rain. Lying on the desert floor as the storm rolls in. Letting the creosote hit her senses like a homecoming.

Her words reminded me that joy and clarity often come when we’re grounded, present, and weirdly, wonderfully human.

And maybe that’s the secret.One way leaders who last prevent burnout in 2025 isn’t by doing less. It’s by doing it with people. People who remind us we don’t have to perform to be successful.

Vera is the co-owner and Creative Director of Southwest Solutions. They create swag that doesn’t suck and if you can think it, they can ink it. If you loved getting to know Vera and how she works, get in touch with her on LinkedIn or via their contact form.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit elenajoyspeaks.substack.com