Transcript

thank you for tuning in to victoriousand recovery last week i had left off talking about ahigher power and my you know new concepts of that andmy new understanding of higher power andwhat that means to me and the reason whyi've been on that subject is because i'mon step two with my sponsor againand i've been just trying towork through some of the workbookquestions and i'm doing the uh n aprogram abbreviated work book right now and soit's a little more questions than i'mused to but it's a good experience so fari just had a few questions left i hadleft off around question six last weekand the things that i was talking aboutso this week i wanted to go a little bitmore in depth of what my answers are andand why i feel that way now i guessin essence i'm going to go through thesequestions as if i was sitting in frontof my sponsor in hopes that somebody can relate andsay oh okay i'm not the only one thathas that answer or i'm not the only one that feels that wayor maybe even it'll helpit'll help a deeper understandingwho knows but either way here i go with theseso question number seven on mylist here is what evidence do i havethat a higher power is working in mylife and i've been instructed to go throughthese since it's not my first timegoing through the steps i've beeninstructed to go through them not in reference tonecessarily my usingbut answer them as i would right nowin reference more so to my life and recoverywhich i think is a a good way of doing it because it'sreally easy for me to regurgitateall the things that happened to me in my addictionand what helped me get out of thatbut it's also really easy for me to staythere and get stuck and eventually what i'll find out which ihave several times is that what worked for me in thebeginning isn't working anymore nowso it's really important for me toanswer these questionsfrom my current point of viewregardless of what my point of view wasthat got me clean it's more relevant now of my point ofview in recovery so that i can stayclean so the question was what evidence do ihave that a higher power is working inmy life and i'm just going to read my answersverbatim and then kind of go a littledeeper i answered i'm not deadi have a life that is reasonably happymost of the time and i kind of ripped off that last partfrom the part of the serenity prayer that wedon't usually say the whole thing we just saya small part of it but one of the partsat the end of the original serenity prayer says thatwe can be reasonably happy most of thetime in this life and into the next i believeand i guess what i'm trying to say isthat the biggest testament that there is ahigher power and i'm not talking strictlygod right now although i do believe in in godi'm gonna talk outside of that todayi'm going to talk about all thedifferent versions of a higher poweryou know i'm alive uh by the works of many higher powersmy god the court systemthe team program that bonded me out tobegin with the divergence program in midwest cityall of these are higher powers that haveplayed into me seeing that there's a higher powerworking in my life at some points in my recovery it's beenmy family it's been a significant otheralthough that's not a healthy oneit has been nonethelessso in a nutshell i'm alive i'm alive and that's my biggest evidencethat there is a working higher power in mylife question number eightis what changes in my thinking andbehavior are necessary for myrestoration to sanity and this one is kind of a sore subject with me becausethe thought of sanity is just ridiculousto me i've never known sanityso restoration to sanity seems likeimpossible so still even attwo years and some months clean i haveto say that my thought of sanitywould be maybe not being on mental health drugsyou know and it's it's a misconceptioni know that but still i have to admitthat inside me i just wish that i couldbe free of all these things that iconsider to be insane that i consider tobe dysfunctional so my answer was t

Higher Power

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

 

 

Higher Power is a term used in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and other twelve-step programs.[1] The same groups use the phrase "a power greater than ourselves" synonymously. The term sometimes refers to a supreme being or deity, or other conceptions of God.For other uses, see

 

Transcript

welcome

to victorious in recovery what you're

about to hear is simply one man's

journey to victory over addiction

my ups and downs and everything in

between and the solutions that i find

along the way

my purpose is this

to let you know that you're not alone in

the things that we go through trying to

recover and that there is hope of a

recovered life from addiction my name is

david victorious and i'll be your host

thank you for tuning in to victorious

and recovery

well it's

christmas week

and it's gone pretty good

there were some times this week where

i got a little bit lonely because

my mom and

my brother and

my daughter are all in costa rica and

i'm not there

so it started to feel

a little out of place

i'm used to having it at the very least

my mom

around for christmas

i still did christmas with family

and it was nice

kind of short and

not too elaborate

lately i've been talking a lot about

where i'm at with my faith

and my higher power and

and

that subject is still kind of really

fresh

i'm still delving into that

i'm still trying to

just reevaluate

all these things

trying to figure out where i'm at and

i've had to be really easy on myself

because i want to say well dave just

don't worry about it it's okay

it's not a big deal

it's on your head

but it's just been nagging me

like what's going on

have i have i just lost my passion

because honestly it's been hard to get

on here and do the podcast it's been

hard to do the videos

i haven't felt like i've really had

much to say

and that's

new to me

that's only happened briefly a couple of

times in this last two and a half years

so it's a big red flag i'm like have i

lost my passion for this

and you know the next question is why

what happened

so instead of answering a question i

don't really want to answer

because i don't think i've lost

my passion for

sharing my life and

helping other people

and i don't think i've lost my

belief in my higher power

so

what is it

how do i approach this

and so this morning i was at church

and the pastor said something really

simple

but he asked everybody where have you

seen god lately

and for some reason that struck a chord

and things just started

to come to my mind i pulled out my notes

and started taking notes right away

and what

kind of struck me about that is because

i had to think where have i consciously

noticed god working in my life lately

and

my first response was i'm still alive

you know that counts i guess

and i had to think and think

and i was like perseverance

you know it's kind of on those same

lines but i've never had that before

so i know that not only has god kept me

alive

he's also

given me the strength to continue

even when i didn't feel like it even

when

i didn't think i was gonna have the

strength

somehow i've still continued to move

forward but i'm still trying to answer

that

big

red flag that i have in me

you know there's just red flags

something's wrong you need to change

something

and so

i kind of took that thought a little bit

deeper

and

i think

i think i've come to a conclusion i

think i've come to

the next step of my

understanding of what i need to do next

and it reminded me of

a passage and

cour·age

/ˈkərij/

 

the ability to do something that frightens one.

 

According to Professor Daniel Putman, "courage involves deliberate choice in the face of painful or fearful circumstances for the sake of a worthy goal". With this realization, Putman concludes that "there is a close connection between fear and confidence".

Transcript

[Music]

welcome

to victorious in recovery what you're

about to hear is simply one man's

journey to victory over addiction

my ups and downs and everything in

between and the solutions that i find

along the way

my purpose is this

to let you know that you're not alone in

the things that we go through trying to

recover and that there is hope of a

recovered life from addiction my name is

david victorious and i'll be your host

[Music]

thank you for tuning in to victorious

and recovery

it's been a very quiet week

around my house

everybody is here a couple of weeks ago

and now

they're all in costa rica

and

i'm left here by myself

and it is super quiet

and it's weird even when i was by myself

here before it didn't feel like it does

now i guess just knowing

that no matter how long i wait today

nobody's going to be coming in the door

is a weird feeling i've gotten used to

having people around

it's been nice though i've had a chance

to

do some deep reflection and some more

reading than i usually get to do

i've also

had a chance to just

be with myself

in silence

i haven't had that in a while

other than a few moments that i steal

here and there

out in the car

i don't really get a lot of time alone

just truly alone to where i can sit in

silence and meditate and

know that i won't be interrupted lately

i've been in need of that

i've noticed that

my frustration level has been

a little on edge

so my patience has

not been what it should be

not just with other people but with

myself as well

i've kind of been noticing myself

retreating a little bit

when i first got out of my relationship

that my failed relationship

from not too long ago

i was really excited to just

be back in the groove of things and

go to my normal meetings and do all the

things that i had been neglecting for a

while

now i've noticed that i've just kind of

secluded myself a little bit again for

no

apparent reason so i've been trying to

find that balance

that balance within my

self of taking the appropriate amount of

time to be alone

to allow for meditation and study

but also not retreating into my bubble

so much that i neglect the important

parts of

my recovery which includes other people

includes all the relationships that go

along with being a healthy human being

so like i said i've had some time to

meditate in the last few days and one of

the things that popped up was

it's describing the progression through

the first

several steps

how we

have this hopelessness

this despair in the beginning and then

we

accept that maybe something can help

and then we decide

that we're gonna let a higher power help

us

and then there's an aspect of faith

on the fourth step

where

you have to just kind of take people's

word for it

that it's gonna work

because nobody likes to do that fearless

and thorough self-appraisal no one

really likes the idea of the fourth step

when it comes around the first time

and then it goes on to

say that once we've written it out

or to say another way once we've put our

lives on paper our failures

and our

feelings and our perception of

the life we've had basically

on paper

there's already enough relief

to where we don't really need the

encouragement we thought we

Transcript

welcome

to victorious in recovery what you're

about to hear is simply one man's

journey to victory over addiction

my ups and downs and everything in

between and the solutions that i find

along the way

my purpose is this

to let you know that you're not alone in

the things that we go through trying to

recover and that there is hope of a

recovered life from addiction my name is

david victorious and i'll be your host

[Music]

thank you for tuning in to victorious

and recovery

this week seemed to have gone

pretty slow

just work home meetings work home

meetings

usual schedule for me really

and this week really wasn't that much

different than the rest

i find myself kind of in a plateau right

now and i don't think that's a bad thing

all the time

it's kind of annoying when you get used

to things

progressing quickly

as

most of us do

it feels strange

to just be

at peace

to be at ease with where i'm at

i find that i want to

not necessarily be doing something all

the time

but i want something to be happening all

the time but i don't want it to

interfere with my peace either

so

it's just

completely unpleasable of me to think

and be that way

i find that i'm just

dissatisfied

with general life most of the time

and i've mentioned

things like that before

but i'm really starting to see

the magnitude of that

and what that might reflect about me

and it hasn't always been this way

i would say for the first

year or so

being clean and sober it wasn't this way

i was very appreciative i was very

grateful

and i think it was because i didn't

have to look that far back to see where

this all began

to see how low that i really was once

upon a time

and not only that

somewhere between then and now

even with my daily bible study even with

my daily devotions and prayers and

everything

i seem to have lost a little bit of my

identity

for the longest time in my life i had

this strong identity of a christian

believer that really truly believed in

everything

that i was

in my mind supposed to believe in

and my belief hasn't changed i still

hold god and jesus christ and the holy

spirit as my higher power

but there's something about

the identity

that i had in that that has kind of

fizzled away it's giving room for

something else but that something else

isn't here yet

or i don't recognize it or maybe i just

don't know how to walk

in the new being that i am

i was reminded of this because i was

reading this thing and it was talking

about the jewish people and

some war that they were going into

and the guy described it as the

israelites having

identity amnesia

that's what i have

because i can i can be blessed today

and forget everything by tomorrow

and of course it's never my intention to

be that way

i want to be the

grateful joyous guy

that i love being

but i think i i tied up so much of my

identity

in with my emotions

and i forgot that

it has as much to do with that as it

does with

my choices

and my actions

either my circumstances or my life in

general has just conditioned me that way

but i tend to think of joy as a response

to something that's

happened to me

or the lack of bad things

happening

just a result of some

something some favorable

circumstance

and so i i get in this rut

where i forget who i am

i forget how

i became who i am how

life works

of course i'm gonna have joy when good

things happen

of course i'm gonna feel like a child of

god when things are going my way

when i'm celebrating

all the victories in life of course

welcome

to victorious in recovery what you‘re

about to hear is simply one man‘s

journey to victory over addiction

my ups and downs and everything in

between and the solutions that i find

along the way

my purpose is this

to let you know that you‘re not alone in

the things that we go through trying to

recover and that there is hope of a

recovered life from addiction my name is

david victorious and i‘ll be your host

[Music]

thanks for tuning in to victorious and

recovery

these last couple of weeks have been

both enjoyable and

pretty long

my brother was

in town from costa rica and that

poses its

different complications like i had

mentioned last week

i had to

set up my podcast equipment out in the

garage

just to get

the privacy that i need to

talk freely

which is kind of funny because

they can all go back and listen to them

but to me to get into this

zone

where i‘m comfortable

i need to be alone

so today i‘m doing my podcast again

out in the garage

and it feels okay

you know the sound and all that stuff

isn‘t

the same

but it‘s just how it worked out this

week i guess

like i said last week was

kind of difficult

because as much as i love

spending time with my brother

there are certain things that come along

with that because he‘s not

like me

he‘s not an addict

he‘s non-alcoholic

he

uses different things

in a controlled manner

in a way that they were meant to be used

i‘d almost say in the natural way that

things should be used

and he has a healthy respect for

all substances and so

that being said

his beliefs

on those things and mine

differ quite a bit

especially now because

it‘s kind of a touchy subject with me to

be around too much

alcohol or to be around too many

drugs as natural as they may be

it gets those thoughts in my head

and it‘s nobody‘s responsibility but my

own

to

set those boundaries

i didn‘t feel like composing because

you know it‘s a family

thing and so

when those situations or those moments

came up i excused myself i went

somewhere else and

everything worked out but it‘s funny how

how quickly

my mind goes from

serene peaceful

to

oh

that sounds like a really good idea but

i know it‘s a bad idea i should leave

and i found that happening

a lot more than i expected it to

but it just it brought me back time and

time again that it‘s so important

for me to

be around the right things in my life

that there are just

certain circumstances and certain things

maybe even certain people

probably not my brother but

there are certain people out there that

just are gonna bring the wrong things

to mind

and bringing the wrong thing to mind

these days could mean disaster

still for me

i‘m still very fragile

i‘m not saying that anybody put me in

any sort of risk this week or last week

i‘m just saying it brought to the

forefront of my mind how quickly that

could happen and how

every choice

that i make on a daily basis can lead me

down one road

or down the other

you know i can make a choice to

go to this side of town to look for

something or that side of town to look

for something

and and that could make a big difference

just knowing what i‘m putting myself at

risk

is this an unnecessary place for me to

be

is this an unnecessary side of town for

me to go to get what i need to get

because you know if i need to go to the

local grocery store

to get something normal but i choose to

go

to my old stomping ground grocery store

i might be

playing with fate a little bit

and you know that sounds a little bit

like a stretch like well

if i‘m there then it‘s already too late

but that can be as simple as

yeah i‘ll accept this friend request

knowing

that a person doesn‘t want help and

his only

friend requesting you because you guys

were friends

when you were using

those little decisions matter to

pick up a phone to contact somebody

contacting an ex

probably not a good idea

you know life has

so many of those little decisions

that are the big turning points in our

lives

i was clean one year

well three days shy of a year

and i went into a guy‘s house

because i

thanks·giv·ing

the expression of gratitude, especially to God.

thank you for tuning in to victorious in

recovery

this past thursday was thanksgiving and

pretty good thanksgiving

got to visit with a few friends

visit with my brother that's in town

from costa rica

and it was overall pretty good

today i am doing my podcast out of my

garage though because i can't seem to

get a quiet enough spot in the house

for long enough

but other than that it's been really

great having everybody around and

being able to just do the gratitude thing do the

thankful thing on thanksgiving

so of course you know that got me

thinking this week of you know what am i grateful for

what do i have to give thanksgiving for

and you know a few things

pop up here and there

and i was going to share a couple of

them with you i took down some notes

over the week i was at a thanksgiving marathon meeting

thing and one of the speakers said

something that really stuck with me

what he said was to learn from the

mistakes of others because you might not live long enough

to make them all yourself and i was like yeah that's

that's a good way to think about it

because i don't have enough time i don't

have enough energy i don't have enough

stick-to-it-ness to make all those mistakes and still

stay clean and still stay alive

so at some point i have to learn to

learn from other people and i'm grateful

i've been able to do that lately i've

been able to see some mistakes that

other people are making and say oh i

know what not to do and on a more positive side of that i've

also been able to see what people are

doing and say hey i should do that

and it's helped you know i remember the very first thing

that i was grateful for i was locked up

and i was thinking about my life as you

tend to do when you first get there especially

and i remember thinking i can relax i don't

have anything left to lose and i was i was grateful and i know that

sounds weird but i was truly truly grateful and

my mind was at ease at that moment

where i realized i don't have anything else left to worry

about don't have custody over my kids i don't

have a car i don't have a house i don't

have a girlfriend i don't have anything

and in my mind at the moment i didn't

have hope to get out anytime soon either

so i really had nothing tying me to the

outside world i was grateful that i could just accept whatever my new

life was going to be i didn't have anything to look forward

to getting out or staying in or otherwise i was truly at a blank slate

and i was grateful and i can still look at that moment now

seeing how it all played out and still be grateful for that moment

because it's it's moments like those where i get to grow

because i'm not trying to exert my will on everything around me

i'm not trying to force things to happen my way

because i've given up on the idea that anything can be done of my own hand so i opened up that door at that moment to let god work in my life

and that's beautiful now you know at the moment i was grateful

for it but it kind of makes your heart sink a little bit too

and you know coming out of addiction into

you know and that's kind of a crazy life

a crazy day-to-day how am i gonna make the money

where am i gonna get this where am i

gonna get that who am i gonna sell this

to who do i gotta talk to to do whatever

where am i gonna stay tonight

etc i remember being really grateful

that i didn't have to worry about any of

that i saw my very first little glimmer of sanity sitting in a jail cell

knowing that three times a day i was

gonna get a good meal

i didn't have to go steal anything i

didn't have to break in anywhere

i didn't have to tr

Constructive criticism focuses on providing constructive feedback, supported by specific examples, to help you improve in some area. (Constructive criticism should be offered in a friendly manner with good intentions.)

Step One:

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

faith

/fāTH/

A strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof.

Transcript

welcome to victorious and recovery

thank you guys for tuning in today

it's sunday and it's been a pretty good week

had a few things come up here and there

but overall it was pretty good

did a lot of studying this week

you know came across a few things that i

wanted to share with you guys

but mostly it's been

kind of a interesting week

growth wise

i have had the opportunity to experience

a few things this week that

were new to me

or renew i had a friend

be a little disappointed with

something and so that's always a little difficult

to know that you made a mistake and

but you know

the more mistakes i make the more i get

to learn how to do things better

and i'm just hoping that i learn

this week from the mistakes i've made

i have here on my notes to

be humble enough to be teachable to be

small enough to be teachable

and to be honest i don't remember why

why i wrote that down what happens is i i'll

just take little notes throughout the week

and try to piece my week back together

for you guys to give you just an idea of how how my

brain works, how i'm doing this you know because i

don't always have time

or i'm not always home either

to be able to just turn on the

microphone and go

you know i used to do that with the

video camera and i could do it a little

better because i could just walk outside or walk to

another room and turn on my phone and

videotape it but

when it comes to this it's a little

different

that doesn't mean it's any less real

just not spur the moment like the videos

were

and i kind of miss that sometimes

but i was reading

this week and i came across this i

wanted to share it with you guys

it was in the bible app that i use

and it says god gives you grace one day

at a time

he will not give you tomorrow's grace

today and you don't need it

why because his word tells us his

compassions never fail

they are new every morning

great is your faithfulness

that's lamentations 3 22-23

so if you're fearful or concerned about

what is going to happen tomorrow

you're essentially telling god that you

don't trust him and i believe that

he goes on to say

you are telling him that he is not

trustworthy

you're sending your own thoughts into a

cycle of pain and fear that will prolong

your addictive behavior

rather than helping you overcome it

to be fearful about tomorrow is to lose

your peace

and victory today

so let it go

there's so much in that reading

that goes along with what i've been

talking about

you know i've been talking about how to

use the things that god has given me

i've been talking about just for today

and a few other subjects

but this kind of covers all of it

to think that god has grace for me

always

but that by worrying i'm actually trying

to require of him that he give me

tomorrow's grace

when really i just need to let it go i

need to let tomorrow go

and that was that was a big help for me

this week

you know like i said i made a few

mistakes

and

i was disappointed with myself i was

disappointed with all of it

of course i didn't like that the person

got upset with me i didn't like that i

was upset at the person getting upset

with me you know and it was just this

cycle

this cycle of worry and concern about

what this is gonna do

to our friendship you know what what is

this going to do

to me today what is this going to do to

this person today

what is it going to do to

our friendship tomorrow

and i failed to give myself the grace

that god is gi

00:00

[Music]

00:04

welcome

00:05

to victorious in recovery what you‘re

00:08

about to hear is simply one man‘s

00:10

journey to victory over addiction

00:13

my ups and downs and everything in

00:16

between and the solutions that i find

00:19

along the way

00:20

my purpose is this

00:22

to let you know that you‘re not alone in

00:24

the things that we go through trying to

00:27

recover and that there is hope of a

00:30

recovered life from addiction my name is

00:33

david victorious and i‘ll be your host

00:36

[Music]

00:41

thank you for tuning in to victorious in

00:43

recovery

00:45

well it‘s wednesday

00:47

it‘s been a good week so far

00:50

today a friend of mine sent me a ted

00:52

talk

00:53

and it was talking about our

00:56

misconceptions about addiction

00:59

and it was mentioning that they had done

01:01

a study

01:03

back in the 60s that

01:05

everybody recognizes it‘s the one with

01:08

the little mouse and

01:10

he drinks from the water bottle with

01:12

drugs instead of from the regular water

01:14

bottle

01:15

and um

01:17

he was telling that story because they

01:20

did another one

01:22

that was a different test the first test

01:24

had

01:25

one mouse in a box with nothing else in

01:28

it

01:29

just the water

01:30

and the food

01:32

well

01:33

they did another test which was

01:36

a better test

01:38

and it had a bunch of different mice in

01:40

it

01:40

and it was like a mouse park

01:43

there was a bunch of mice and they had

01:45

all kinds of things to play around with

01:47

and different types of good foods and

01:51

a couple of different water bottles when

01:53

one of them had drugs in it and the

01:54

other one didn‘t

01:56

and what they found was that the

01:59

box where the mice had other mice around

02:03

and had other things to do and basically

02:06

they had

02:07

a social aspect to it

02:10

the

02:12

mice that did every once in a while

02:14

drink out of the water with drugs but

02:18

none of them became dependent on it

02:21

and the theory is is that they had that

02:23

communion they had

02:26

maybe even a sense of belonging they had

02:28

other options

02:30

so they they weren‘t doomed to have to

02:33

choose one or the other

02:35

because of their loneliness maybe

02:38

and i like that i like that it‘s a

02:40

different take

02:42

you know i always tend to get caught up

02:44

on

02:45

the semantics of

02:48

some of these programs and

02:50

you call yourself an addict or an

02:52

alcoholic but then in the same breath

02:56

everybody there seems to know that the

02:59

drugs and the alcohol weren‘t really the

03:02

problem they were the solution for me

03:06

they weren‘t my problem and so i grew up

03:08

in a family where

03:10

you watch what you say

03:12

i believe in the power of the word i

03:15

believe in the power of what comes out

03:17

of my mouth

03:19

and so in meetings and stuff like that i

03:23

i describe myself

03:25

as an addict or an alcoholic but

03:29

every once in a while get caught up on

03:31

that

03:32

you know i wish there was a better way

03:35

so that i didn‘t have to constantly

03:38

claim

03:39

something that i don‘t believe is the

03:41

real problem

03:42

because drugs

03:44

facilitated my downfall

03:47

they accelerated it but they weren‘t the

03:51

problem they were a solution i tried to

03:54

fix my problem

03:57

and my problem was many things

04:00

it was my inability to

04:03

share with other people

04:06

it was the feeling that i was all alone

04:08

in the world

04:10

it was my belief

04:12

that i had to be something different

04:14

than what i was

04:17

and i still suffer from every one of

04:19

those things

04:21

i‘ve just found a new way to deal with

04:23

it a new solution

04:25

and so i‘m constantly battling that like

04:28

i don‘t want to call myself an addict

04:31

i don‘t want to call myself an alcoholic

04:33

i don‘t want to put that on me still

04:38

but i do it out of respect for the

04:39

programs but i know in me to my core

04:43

that

04:43

my probl