How do you inspire your kids to have a clue? In other words, self-awareness. This means seeing themselves as others see them, but more so as God has created them to be—the best versions of themselves. Asking kids to strive and reach for the stars is easier than you think. In this podcast, Felice Gerwitz delves into how we can help our children.
Inspire Kids ~ Self Awareness ~ Episode ~ 539
What is self-awareness as it pertains to your children? Have you noticed how some children do not know how to control themselves or act in certain situations? Then, you’ll notice other kids who are good at self-control and adapt easily to different situations. How do you inspire your children to be self-aware?
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Self-Awareness the nuts and bolts:
What are some of the keys to understanding basic interpersonal interaction?
As children get older, they learn from situations and expectations within their homes. They learn to develop good or bad behavior based on the level of correction within the home. Do your kids get away with meltdowns and whining? Do you give in when a child nags for their way? If you’ve said, “No,” do they listen? Do your children walk away and pretend not to hear you when you ask them to do something?
How do you encourage your child to be aware of their actions–or inactions? Typically, it begins with discipline along with a good dose of encouragement.
Self-Awareness And Discipline
Years ago, as a young homeschool mom, I sat with a group of women who were upset with me as I shared that I felt my children’s behavior and lack of self-awareness reflected my parenting style. I tended toward the description of a “threatening repeating parent.” You know, “Do what I say, or I’ll count to 10. Did you hear me? Yes, you! Now. Okay, I’m counting…”
A lively discussion began, which included rebuttals such as excuses for personality traits and different children needing special handling in situations. I was also told that kids are kids and need some latitude to express their independence.
I didn’t leave that discussion with the moms victorious, but I planted seeds. Years later, one of the moms admitted she was upset with me and what I said because she realized her unruly children were not exhibiting any self-control but had a me-centered attitude that was catered to by the family. At the time, she refused to take any responsibility for her child’s bad behavior, but she realized that she needed to set some strong guidelines, and her children struggled to adhere to the new guidelines. Eventually, she was successful, and her bright child exceeded academically, socially, and spiritually within the homeschool environment.
Guidelines for Self-Awareness:
What guidelines are we talking about? Things such as bedtime routines and completion of school work before fun activities or lessons. She found that after stricter guidelines and gentle corrections and encouragement, her children thrived.
My kids aren’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination, and these ladies in my discussion group watched situations on field trips when I pulled my son or daughter aside and spoke quietly to them about expectations. Sometimes my kids listened, and sometimes they didn’t. One of my sons always “told information” instead of “asking a question” when on field trips. I’d remind him often that if he raised his hand to participate, he should ask a question. This child, my oldest son, could be labeled as “learning challenged,” and I could use that as an excuse, but I didn’t.
The Big Picture
I would allow my son to see the big picture by asking him how he saw the situation. I led the discussion and asked him if he thought that he gave other children the opportunity to ask their questions. We’d discuss this; sometimes, he’d agree, and other times he didn’t.
Kids can and should develop their independence. They should be allowed to make good and bad decisions but must also be shown the consequences. How else do they exhibit self-control and stop before they act without thinking about the outcomes? (See the Story about boys and the sliding glass door shared on air.)
Look at the list above and think about how your child exhibits emotion. Is it over the top, or is it controlled? Our expectations for a two—or four-year-old are different from those for a ten-year-old, or an even older teen.
I listened to a mom discuss a variety of snacks with her preschooler. The child wanted a particular snack they ran out of, and the mother offered many different substitutes, even offering to make the child a grilled cheese sandwich. Once this sandwich was made, the child refused to eat it and demanded, once again, the snack they didn’t have. The mother offered to go to the store immediately and get the snack.
What is a four-year-old going to learn from this situation? We all parent differently, and having one child differs from having multiple. Having an only child definitely gives you the ability to cater to the child for the sake of peace, but what are you teaching?
What would I do differently? Probably be angry with the whining, if truth be told! But, one way to handle this is to identify with the child’s feelings. “I understand you are hungry and you really want your cheese puffs, but I do not have any left. Do you know why? (Let the child answer that they were eaten.) Let’s put it on our grocery list and get some next time we shop. Today, you can have crackers and cheese or popcorn. Pick one of those snacks. If you don’t want either, there will be no snacks today.”
I would offer snacks the child liked, and if they said no, then no to the snacks. The child understands they have a decision to make and there are consequences. No to the alternatives means no snacks. The child soon learns that they can not manipulate the situation by being upset or using emotional blackmail. They also learn self-awareness and, eventually, self-control. I know this isn’t easy. Having an unruly pre-schooler is not fun!
My mom and I had a discussion after I had two children, and I expressed my dismay over the fact that it hurt me more to discipline them than it hurt them. She said, “Welcome to parenthood!”
Good behavior is often ignored, and the same goes for bad behavior. We hope it will go away on its own without giving it any attention. Yet, if we ignore bad behavior, we are training our children to fall into sin. The key is to have your child identify the situation and their reactions. It takes way too much talking at times, and none of us have the time for it, but my question to you is, what is the alternative?
Kids today are growing up in a narcissistic society where things are me-centered. The selfy mentality and the idea that what I want is more important than what other family members want or need can be toxic to family life. In fact, it can cause disagreements between spouses.
There are selfless children. I see this all the time, but often, the attitude associated with this behavior is exhibited in anger or self-righteousness. Angrily pushing past another child to help this child with a chore or getting a drink if they can’t reach the water pitcher. The ability to recognize that doing the right thing while commendable is only rewarding if you do it with the right attitude.
Knowing an area of weakness is also important. We have kids who are perfectionists and want things a certain way or kids who are careless and sloppy. The goal is to recognize that good values are important and work toward this end.
Playacting, once again, is a good way to teach a lesson without using a highly charged and emotional time when the unacceptable behavior is happening. One bonus of self-awareness is that self-esteem improves. If a child is able to control emotions and behavior in different situations, they will be proud of themselves. Of course, we can let them know this as well.
We can practice self-awareness as well and look at ways to improve. In this way, we can give our children examples of our own behavior and reasons why it is important as an adult to act accordingly, even in the midst of confrontations. This includes having a difference of opinion. One way we can do this is to practice debating a topic. Can we debate rationally, calmly, and with self-control? Take a heated issue and try this with your family! It is eye-opening.
This is the tip of the iceberg in the discussion of self-awareness and self-control, but the outcome of good self-esteem is worth the effort.
More on the audio than in the show notes!
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