Vs. Podcast

Bonus episode 1, wherein day old fish is soaked in some water and sold as the catch of the day. It was promised at the beginning of the month, and just like a deadbeat dad who promises to bring an extra good present the next time he visits, it is delivered. In this case, the deadbeat dad promised a puppy, but what came out of the kennel crate is actually the oldest, mangiest, cheapest dog they had. The analogy falls apart from this point forward, so we'll let it die gracefully. Just like the old dog. In this episode, Peat cobbles together a Frankenstein monster from clips of Episode 7 Skynet vs. the Matrix and Episode 8 Galactus vs. Unicron. These clips are material that was removed for one reason or another, so it's technically all new. Technically. And the aforementioned reasons are definitely not "they sucked" or "they weren't funny." How dare you even think that. Flying solo as a host for the first time, Peat starts out awkwardly as he introduces each clip, but about halfway through he starts drinking and getting increasingly belligerent. It's so rewarding when a drunk little bird finally leaves the nest.

Episode 7, wherein the hosts realize Pluto is no longer a planet so they decide to devour Uranus. Galactus, the devourer of worlds from Marvel Comics. Unicron, his nonunion Cybertronian equivalent. When two planet-killing beings do battle, who wins? And how do demi-deities like this fight anyway? Hot dog eating contest? Rap off? That weird game everyone used to play on the bus where one guy puts his palms on the other guy's and whoever is on the bottom tries to slap the guy on top? Peat champions his favorite fictional character of all time, Galactus. It's true. He has three Galactus figures and the only thing stopping him from getting a Galactus tattoo is his belief that Megan Fox has ruined tattoos for everyone. Pyg defends Unicron and really, what I.T. guy wouldn't take the side of the giant robot? And anyone who doesn't love the song "You got the touch" lacks a soul.

Episode 13, wherein our hosts break out the dreaded "my name is so-and-so" voice of derision.

Summer movie season comes to a (heat-related pun) conclusion with the clash of two of the highest grossing individual superheroes of all time, represented by our mudslinging, poo-flinging hosts. The Amazing Spider-man marked the Tobey Maguire deficient return to cinema glory for everyone's favorite webslinger. The Dark Knight Rises concluded Christopher Nolan's grim and gritty Batman saga. One ending, one beginning, two powerful characters.

Peat Ski returns to his happy place and champions Batman. As a devoted Bat-mennonite, Peat will stop at nothing to redeem his embarrassing loss to the Incredible Hulk waaaaaaay back in episode 1. Pyg dons the webs of Spider-man, the wise-cracking hero of the average Joe and aims to puncture the proverbial stuffed shirt of the hoity-toity dark knight.

We'll level with you: this episode goes to some odd places. We blame the relentlessly grim tone of the Dark Knight Rises for the unusually aggressive turn one of our hosts takes. But there's still a lot of laughs and a damn good argument in this episode.

And remember, you only have until midnight on August 20th to vote for next month's episode. So vote or die! Or vote and then die and then have the Mafia use your dead name to commit voter fraud.

Episode 12, wherein our hosts get in touch with their feminine sides ... using harsh words and sharp objects.

Summer movie season takes a backseat this episode as center stage is handed to blockbuster stars of movies past. That's good, though. Too much is made of immediacy these days. No one stops to think about the great films of bygone years. Like next month's episode, when we debate whether or not Citizen Kane could take Charlie Chaplin's Tramp in a fight. What? We're not doing that? But we spent so much time figuring out the THAC0 for Rosebud! Well, since we're not doing that, how about an actual fight?

The Bride aka Beatrix Kiddo (2004 called - spoiler alert!) is a one-woman army of sheer bloody vengeance. With a mastery of several styles of martial arts and a samurai sword without peer, she's pretty much the gold standard as far as assassins go. And with that yellow jumpsuit, she's also unmatched in her sense of style.

Katniss Everdeen, the teenage protagonist of the Hunger Games trilogy, is cut from a different cloth. She wins her battles with an iron will, a knack for survival and a trusty bow and arrow. She's incredibly difficult to find, let alone kill, like a cockroach Robin Hood. Incidentally, if you know how to kill one of those, call Pyg. He'll appreciate it.

Peat represents the Bride in this fight, which is astonishing since he only just watched the Kill Bill movies two weeks ago. He was busy rewatching Austin Powers, if you must know. Pyg, who has recently come out as a 14 year girl, has read all of the Hunger Games books and is armed with an encyclopedic knowledge of Panem and Tracker Jackers and Narnia and Quidditch. Those are all in the Hunger Games, right? One thing is for certain - that nothing will be certain in this fight! Yeah, that was a bad cliche, we know. Plenty more where that came from!

Episode 11 part 2, wherein our hosts clean their plates, finish their vegetables and otherwise take care of business.

It's the nail-biting, nerve-wracking, tub-thumbing, block rocking conclusion of the summer's first epic match-up! If you listened to part 1 of this episode (and if you haven't, shame on you. Go back to the beginning of the level and try not to get knocked off a cliff by an overzealous bird this time, Ryu), you know that Peat Ski is all about the value of teamwork as he champions the Avengers roster from the movie. Kind of like that jerk basketball coach you had who was always on you to pass to the kid who only had one arm because you're a "team." Pyg, like so many political chatterboxes of a certain persuasion, has said nuts to teamwork and feels that the overwhelming individual firepower of the animated Justice League is enough to overcome any namby-pamby feel good hippy commune moves from the Avengers. So stop taxing Bruce Wayne so much, you commies.

At the end of this episode, we will have a winner, and finally, the age-old question of Marvel or DC will be answered in a microcosm. Regardless of which side you're on, you should walk away from this feeling like a winner. Or a loser. Whatever. We're not going to tell you how to feel.

Next month - Summer movie season continues!

The month after that - Summer movie season continues continuing as Pyg and Peat Ski once again engage in a Marvel vs. DC throw-down as Christian Bale's Batman takes on Andrew Garfield's Spider-man!

Episode 11 part 1, wherein our hosts initiate a group activity.

It's summer time and it's a beautiful time to be a comic book fan. We've got films starring Batman, Spider-man, Rawhide Kid ... they aren't making that movie? Oh, they are, but it's only available on hotel pay channels? Shame. Anyway, the Avengers film kicked off the season with a bang, so we're here to cash in. Originally the Avengers were slated to fight the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, but it's next to impossible to find the original MMPR movie on anything except VHS, so we had to settle for the next best thing: The Justice League (Of America) (sometimes.)

The movie Avengers (Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Widow) are represented by Peat Ski, who not only saw the movie twice but got so upset when it was over that he tried to jump into traffic rather than wait for the sequel. Fortunately, some kid knocked him out of the way just as a speeding truck full of nuclear waste was coming. Unfortunately, the kid was killed on impact and Peat will never be friends with Daredevil.

Pyg has chosen a variation of the Justice League featured in the original animated series. He's using Wonder Woman, Batman, the Flash, Green Lantern (John Stewart), Hawkgirl and the Martian Manhunter. It's truly a murderer's row of heroes, all with impressive powers and impractical costumes. But unless someone picks up our Martian Manhunter spec script (J'onn Carter of Mars...too soon?), only one of them will have a movie that grosses a billion dollars.

Avengers vs. Justice League ... it's happened in the comics (sorta), but this will settle it once and for all.

This episode is so big and epic that we had to split it into two episodes. Even after that, there was still material that didn't make the cut, so expect a bonus episode in the near future. Part 2 will be available in two weeks.

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Episode 10, wherein the hosts finally stop using the Julian calendar and figure out what episode number they're on.

Happy Mother's Day! Here at the Vs. Podcast, we love our moms. We also love your moms, but that's another story. What? No sophomoric humor on Mother's Day? That wasn't even sophomoric, it was juvenile if anything. Anyway, in honor of moms everywhere, we're upping the estrogen and doing an episode with two of the best known female characters in pop culture.

Wonder Woman, the Amazonian princess of the DC Universe. The female hero that begat all others. The ultimate mother figure. This battleship class superhero can go toe-to-toe with the likes of Superman and Shazam. Who can stand against her?

Xena Warrior Princess, that's who. Righter of wrongs. Killer of gods. Portrayed by Lucy Lawless, Xena spent the better part of six seasons cracking Hellenistic skulls and changing the lives of every single famous mythological character (sort of like the Forrest Gump of the ancient world.) When it comes to taking out a demigod, Xena's got the experience.

Peat Ski, repping Wonder Woman, thinks that Xena is more psychotic than Sir Lancelot in Spamalot and will be undone by her moral failings before Wonder Woman even gets a chance to squish her. Pyg, championing Xena, thinks Wonder Woman is nothing but a glorified coffee-fetcher for Athena and will be straightjacketed by her own goody-two-shoes nature. Only one thing is certain - you should give this podcast to your mom instead of some smelly old flowers. It'll last longer and your cat won't try to chew on it.