The raw video you are about to see or podcast you are about to listen to began as a video I recorded for myself to document my journey and my reasons why I am doing what I am doing. I knew I’d have to look back on it when I feel sad and maybe begin to question my reasons.  

I recorded this on November 19, 2021, three days after I made a very big decision to leave Robert, a man I have loved for three years, after coming to the realization that I just can't live a life that’s a lie.

In full disclosure, I truly believed I was bi my entire life…until the weekend of November 12th when I finally met the beautiful woman who I cultivated a very deep connection with for 44 days…this wasn’t a meet her and hookup thing. It was a real relationship with someone who is very special to me (and Robert absolutely gave me permission to do so). 

I experienced “everything” with her, and on our third day together, I had a panic attack because a veil was lifted and I looked at my desire and heart honestly. When the truth clicked, there was no going back…I knew in my body and soul, I was never truly s*xualy attracted to men and I just didn’t know the difference before. (Hello, Comphet! Google it…). 

As for romantic attraction, I truly believed I was attracted to men in that way, which would still make me technically bisexual — but even if that WAS the case, I now realize I have zero desire to ever have a romantic relationship with a man ever again. It was always platonic…and I never knew it until I felt the opposite. 

Why? On Sunday the 14th, I had an awakening I cannot deny. To deny this realization would make me a liar. And I haven’t lied…I truly didn’t KNOW what it felt like to be in love with a woman, as I’ve only had crushes before. 

I knew the moment this precious woman picked me up at the airport with flowers that something was drastically different in my tummy. I was too nervous to even turn to look at her gorgeous face and make eye contact. For the first time in my life, I wanted to touch a human, everywhere, and had to restrain myself. I’ve never felt that way before. These were butterflies of intense attraction to one another that I’ve never felt before with a man. Here I was looking at a lady like I have never looked at a man, feeling things I never felt for a man, and my body responding in a way it’s never responded to a man. 

By Sunday, I came to the devastating realization that I’ve only ever loved a man like a friend…my whole life played like a movie in my head, going fast, swirling, and pausing at evidence for me to understand I’ve always been this way. I had never felt s*xual desire FOR men, just a desire to connect sexually because — hello — libido. 

What I can promise you though, is with Robert, it was DIFFERENT. For the first time in my life, I felt cherished and respected by a man. I felt SAFE. So yes, I enjoyed every minute of our s*x life — but again, I didn’t desire a man like I now KNOW in my bones I desire a woman. I simply didn’t know the difference. 

With all this being said, Robert deserved honesty. So I sat with myself in panic from Sunday to Tuesday…came home…and Wednesday, the 17th, I told him the truth. I was about to say it out loud when he beat me to the punch. He knows me so well that HE TOLD ME THE TRUTH with a question mark. “You’re a lesbian, right?” I lay in the bathtub watching our entire lives for three years flash before my eyes. I saw every hope and dream burn up and I was the one who dropped the match. I felt my stomach get queasy with the abandonment he must be feeling.

This all happened so fast. Why? Not telling him after coming to the realization only 4 days before would make me a liar by withholding information — to him, to you, to everyone.

So here I am telling you — I realize I am a lesbian. Please show me grace. This has been a very emotional time. But I know in my soul, this is the only decision I could make that honors me, my truth, Robert, and the world.

🥺Sophia