We Want The D

From the corpses in the backgrounds of The Black Cauldron to Charles Martin Smith's D in Never Cry Wolf, the Disney movies of the 1980s have given us some strange and precious gifts. But perhaps none moreso than this week's film, MIDNIGHT MADNESS. Featuring a cast of dozens of some unknown but some very familiar faces, more hijinks than you can count, and a shrill disco theme song, there is no movie Vicky, Nolan and Jill have watched to date that better embodies the sheer aimlessness of Disney in the 80s as this one. Much to our hosts' collective delight.

Our hosts have been hit with some standard podcasting pitfalls (travel delays, general illness) this week, but rather than leave our dear listeners without your weekly dose of D, we have another Minnie Mouse-isode for your enjoyment. Listen to Jill's story of her first trip to Disneyland, recorded shortly after her return back in January 2018, while Vicky and Nolan recount their own childhood experiences with Disney's theme parks and try not to get too jealous.

You don't need us to tell you that the 1990s were a different time. There's enough "only 90s kids" memes to cover that territory. But what is often left out is how gaga everyone went for this Wonderful World of Disney staging of Rogers and Hammerstein's CINDERELLA. And on paper, our hosts can see why. Whitney Houston! Brandi! Whoopi! Victor Garber! A veritable who's who of titans of song and stage. But in execution? Erm. Well, it is Cinderella, that's for sure. But let's just say turns out when you remove the fun talking animals, it's a lot easier to notice that there's a lot of close-ups of feet in this story - and that's kind of a metaphor for the whole production.

As any regular listener knows, we often find ourselves confused by Disney's choice in movies when doing this ill-advised dive into their filmography. But this week's confusion has a bit of a different tone to it. Because in 1958's THE LIGHT IN THE FOREST, rather than romanticize the rugged individualism and rough-and-tumble attitude of colonial America, they almost seem...critical of it? Don't get us wrong, that by no means excuses them casting people of every background EXCEPT Native Americans as said peoples. And their villainizing of the evil Uncle Wilse is probably a bit too effective. And there is something off-putting about telling a clash of cultures story through the eyes of a white kid trying to reintegrate into white society after being raised by a tribe of First Nations people...but there's some intriguing ideas put forward here. Plus, James MacArthur has a curly blond mohawk.

One of the universal truths in life is that movies based on video games will never work, and it's a lesson Disney learned well with their attempt at adapting PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME. It's hard to pinpoint exactly where they went wrong first, but somewhere between not really thinking the plot through and casting all white actors in a movie set in Persia and about Persian royalty is probably a good guess. That's not to say there's nothing of value here - Jake Gyllenhaal dipping his ripped toes into the role of an action hero, Alfred Molina's ostriches, and...erm, parkour I guess; are all pretty great. But the rest sort of slips by, like to many grains of sand.

What is there to say about Disney's SUMMER MAGIC? A teenage Hayley Mills moves to the country and does some light home renovations; Burl Ives commits mail fraud and sings a song about bugs set over nature documentary footage; an easter egg from previous We Want The D episode The Barefoot Executive is revealed...and that's more or less it, really. For some (or one of our hosts) that's enough. For others...well, there's some meandering stories that even the charms of Hayley Mills and the songs of the Sherman Bros. can't save.

Funny how different people have different definitions of what constitutes a miracle. For many, it's an act of God - fishes and loaves, water to wine and whatnot. For others, it's when a hodgepodge of college hockey players are physically and psychologically abused and manipulated by their coach so they can beat a team of professional-level soviet players. Such is the story of Team USA at the Lake Placid Olympic games, as depicted in the Disney film MIRACLE. And if you're wondering what kind of twists and turns that story might take, or what kind of comradery may have been forged between team and coach alike...well, prepare to be disappointed cause this is basically as straight-ahead a story adaptation as you can get. That's right, it's a Disney movie about playing a game of hockey that involves, in the words of another Disney sports coach: "Zero fun, sir!"

Disney often confounds us with the stories they chose to tell in their feature films, and no more so when they lean heavily into the genre of war movie. But VALIANT turns that confusion up to eleven with its decision to focus on the, erm, brave pigeons who served as messengers during WWII. As always, it's not just the concept but the execution; why make the birds so ugly? Why are all doves girls? Why does that Nazi falcon have a blond flat-top? This movie raises so many questions, so of course Vicky, Nolan and Jill are here to provide answers, diving deeper than any of the film makers probably did - business as usual here on We Want The D.

The Mighty Ducks are back! That's right, the whole gang is here, except for the handful of players who are inexplicably missing. And while a few teammates aren't the only things retconned out of this sequel, our focus in this episode lands elsewhere. You see, as Canadians, it is our hosts' birthright to complain when hockey is inaccurately depicted. And boy are there all sorts of rules in regulations being broken here, both on the ice and in general tournament organization and administration. No, it doesn't matter how charming or quirky this Disney family film may be, it's our duty to call them on every little messed up detail. So lace up your skates, grab your lasso and keep your stick on the ice, it's time for D2: THE MIGHTY DUCKS!

Don Quixote is a timeless classic that has been retold and adapted many times over the years. So it shouldn't really have surprised us that Disney would take their own kick at the can with SCANDALOUS JOHN, which takes the story of the Spanish noble who believes himself a chivalrous knight and adapts it into one about an old rancher suffering from dementia who holds dozens of people at gunpoint on his quest across the desert to the wild west equivalent of a pioneer village. Things take a turn when a movie that starts out dull and incomprehensible becomes one of the saddest movies we've watched so far; and not just because loyal sidekick Paco is forced back across the Southern border, or Scandalous John's granddaughter is likely going to end up with the scummiest romantic interest we've seen so far.