We Want The D

Help us out here, D-Lovers - some of you must have seen Disney's ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN before and can explain how this movie spawned a few sequels and a remake starring The Rock. Because based on what is on paper (and film print), Vicky, Nolan and Jill can't quite figure this one out. Sure Tia's got great bangs, Tony can blow a mean mouth organ and Jason O'Day has a personality that lends itself to imagining a wild backstory (less depressing than his real one, at that). But all that AND a random bear appearance doesn't save this week's movie from being an extended car chase, and not in the cool Mad Max Fury Road way.

On the surface, Disney's THE BIG GREEN is about as paint-by-numbers an underdog kids' sports movie can get. All the stereotypical plot points with none of the charm, this could have been another ingracious entry into We Want The D's dreaded bottom ten, but was saved by the oddly relevant portrayal of Small Town America on the decline. The setting of this week's movie is a Town that Voted Trump, a town where nine out of ten parents found themselves out of work when the local factory (of what?) closed down; a town where a foreign exchange teacher (a what?) can toss out the curriculum in favour of throwing her mixed-age class in a sport none of them have ever played; a town where the kids play a dangerous game involving cheeetos and pigeons just to feel alive. This town and it's citizens managed to capture Vicky, Nolan and Jill's imaginations, at least the times they weren't playing soccer.

This week on We Want The D, our hosts watched yet another bizarrely dark movie in the Disney catalog. Rife with animal abuse, parental neglect, and an all-around grim tone, you'd be forgiven if you assumed Vicky, Nolan and Jill were talking about some obscure film from the 1960s, or at the very least a Christmas movie from the 1980s. But nope, those are all elements of AIR BUD, a story that is only minimally about a dog that plays basketball, but it mostly about a child who hasn't grieved properly for his dead father; a sad, bad clown who may or may not be a serial killer; and a dog who can do a pretty cool trick but is probably going to be very sick because of all the vanilla pudding he eats. It's always a delight when you expect a silly movie and end up with bleak one, isn't it D-Lovers?

Good day, eh, and welcome to this week's episode of We Want The D, where Vicky, Nolan and Jill once again battle against the rising tide of Disney's animation mediocrity of the late Eisner era. BROTHER BEAR doesn't have a lot going for it on paper - a voice cast anchored by Bob and Doug McKenzie and (for some reason) Joaquin Phoenix, a story with disturbing implications from conception to finale thanks to 29 writers not being able to get their shit together, and just the absolute worst songs Phil Collins had to offer. Aside from some decent background art, this movie was another nail in the coffin for traditionally animated Disney in the early 2000s and another nail in our hosts' hearts as we see yet more wasted potential. But at least we can still laugh about it with you, our beloved D-sciples!

Trick or Treat, D-Lovers, it's time for another We Want The D Halloween Special Spectacular. Having burned through so much of Disney's theatrical Halloween offerings, Vicky, Nolan and Jill are forced to turn to the strange and largely mediocre world of Disney Channel Original Movies once again, this time tackling the bizarrely beloved HALLOWEENTOWN. While our hosts can largely agree that Debbie Reynolds is an angel taken from us too soon, that's about where the common opinions stop as one host actively hated the movie, another actively loved it, and the other may have only given it the bare minimum amount of attention to qualify as having "watched" it. Much like those opinions, this episode is a bit all over the place, but we hope you'll enjoy it all the same as we unpack the story of an annoyingly lame tween, a weirdly Oedipal adolescent boy, and an all-powerful witch child going to visit their grandma in her boring little town.

We're in that spooky time of year again, D-Lovers, and that means its time to tap that rich vein of theatrical Disney Halloween movies...unfortunately thanks to our Halloween month a few years back that vein is mostly dry, so we're left with material like THE WATCHER IN THE WOODS. While probably the closest thing to a straight-up horror movie that Disney has ever done, all the classic set-ups for scares, 70s teen fashion, and Bette Davis castings in the world couldn't save this movie once they decided on the nonsense non-ending - even though it was the third or fourth one they tried.

We Want The D returns to the romantic life of the traveling circus in this week's episode. Vicky, Nolan and Jill are once again itching to be charmed by wild animals in small cages, casual child endangerment, and that good 1880s era stank. And boy does Disney's TOBY TYLER deliver on all those fronts and more. It's hard not be delighted by recurring We Want The D favourite Kevin Corcoran (aka Jimmy Bean) in his first real starring role we've seen so far, even our hosts constantly fear that an angry chimp will rip his face off, he'll take a tumble off a bareback horse, or he'll fall fully into the nefarious and creepy clutches of Concessonaire Extraordinaire Mr. Tupper.

Oh. My. God. D-Lovers - have you seen Disney's MALEFICENT? Have you seen how good Angelina Jolie looks in this movie? Have you seen her incredible performance as Maleficent? She's so powerful, so beautiful; whether she is wearing a cowl of snake skin or black silk. With or without her wings (so cruelly garotted off by Shartlo Copley) she strikes a very good silhouette, always perfectly lit. She is the only thing in this movie - as evidenced by the fact that, despite some pretty decent production design and a few half-explored themes, it's the only thing that Vicky, Nolan and Jill can talk about. Seriously, she is so beautiful. Especially next to Elle Fanning's gross hands.

This week on We Want The D we're going back to a simpler time. A time when Disney animation was crisp and beautiful, with nary a hint of xerography. A time when you could make a movie about a princess who only says about sixteen lines of dialogue. A time when film run times were tight, villains were straight-forwardly evil, and you could arrange a marriage between two children while one was prepubescent and the other was fresh from the womb. If you haven't figured it out by now Vicky, Nolan and Jill watched SLEEPING BEAUTY, and like all of Disney's classic its cause for celebration of what the studio was able to achieve with animation, but with more than enough fuel for oddball digressions on the etiquette of baby shower invites, the merit of spells as gifts and whether pink or blue is a better aesthetic choice for Aurora in the scope of the Disney Princess line-up. Keep those eyelids from drooping, there's no time for sleep when there's a new We Want The D!

It's the conclusion to We Want The D's Summer of Pirates and much like the franchise, our hosts are all worn out. For a series that start on a such high note of optimism and celebration, things sure have come a long way. Last week, Vicky, Nolan and Jill raged against the fourth installment of Disney's mega-franchise - this week it's a sad acceptance where all they could do is laugh at the ridiculous of Jack Sparrow's latest non-adventure. Considering this fifth movie both relies on and completely ignores the story set up in the original trilogy, it proves understandably frustrating for anyone who expects even the smallest amount of continuity in a mythology. Instead we get a completely broken timeline, character motives based on nothing, and a general wet noodle of a movie.