We Want The D

The Summer of Pirates continues on We Want The D with the fourth installment of the franchise, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES. The people may have been hungry for more Jack Sparrow after the conclusion of the initial trilogy, but Vicky, Nolan and Jill can't imagine anyone who felt satisfied by this high budget television episode of a movie. Disney managed to pull off a film that sorta looks like a Pirates movie and sorta sounds like a Pirates movie, but by no means comes even close to what came before. How could it, when the central character is sidelined for Penelope Cruz, time is endlessly wasting on a pointless mermaid/missionary love story, and the Spanish are just hanging out, popping in and out whenever they are needed. There are few franchises that can sustain themselves indefinitely, but for a series of films that started out so strongly, this one has worn itself out rather quickly.

Vicky, Nolan and Jill have made their annual pilgrimage to Bob's Lake, which means its time to check in on the Szalinksi family one last time in We Want The D's first foray into direct-to-video Disney. HONEY, WE SHRUNK OURSELVES lacks the budget and much of the cast of the first two films; but what it lacks in those areas is more than makes up for in product placement and some unfortunate implications as to what happened to the older Szalinksi children and the original Diane. We're just saying, its weird that Adam's older siblings are barely mentioned. And who is this "Gordon Szalinki" who seems to have appeared out of nowhere? If we didn't know any better, we'd say that maybe Wayne Szalinski cracked a bit in the intervening eight years between films, but that can't be true...can it?

We Want The D presents another history lesson on the turbulent tenure of Disney CEO Michael Eisner in this special mini-episode. This time, we learn about how Roy Disney leveraged his family name and legacy to oust the man he believed was destroying it.

Stop us if you've heard this one before: after a bitter falling out, the parents of infant twins separate, but rather than splitting custody they each take one of the children and disappear from the others' lives. Later in life, the identical twins meet and an intense rivalry develops. Now we know what you're thinking, our hosts have already done both The Parent Trap movies, and you are correct. But this week we are tackling Disney's HOT LEAD AND COLD FEET, which has that exact same premise except instead of summer camp hijinks, we've got murderous wild west cowboy race hijinks. Yes, Disney has gone back to the well of one actor playing opposite siblings, and throwing in the father for good measure as Jim Dale nerds himself up as tambourine-whacking missionary Eli; sexies himself up as destructive, dirty outlaw Billy; and makes himself look like a walking corpse as the eccentric, suicide-faking Jasper. The result is...well, it's a movie alright. Throw in We Want The D mainstay Don Knotts and you've got a recipe for 70s Disney family entertainment, only with a lot more gunplay than normal.

As we've established (many times) before, the 1980s were a weird time for Disney, as the flailing and ailing company tried to outgrow their family-first approach with a more mature and gritty series of films. Most of the time, that didn't go over so well. At least once, however, they managed to harness a perfect storm of creatives and performers to make one of the most fascinating, ugly, dense and well-realized movies our hosts have any seen. Robert Altman's POPEYE takes the heightened look and reality of the comic strip and cartoon and puts it right up on the screen in live action. The result is discomforting and kind of gross, but also very appealing and charming? You can't help but admire his commitment to his vision, nor his brilliance in casting Robin Williams in his first leading film role or Shelley Duvall in the role she was born to play. Vicky, Nolan and Jill are at once completely confounded and incredibly impressed, though we hope you won't be with this episode of We Want The D.

We'll be honest: this episode of We Want The D is a bit all over the place. But we're not going to apologize for it! How could you expect Vicky, Nolan and Jill to seriously discuss yet another live action Disney movie from the 1970s without breaking. The mere premise of this movie - "nowhere in the rulebook does it say a mule can't play football!" - is just the tip of the iceberg in how this film nearly drove our hosts insane. We can't pinpoint exactly when it happened, but it could have been as early as the insanely drawn-out opening credits sequence; the twenty minute mark when the gambling subplot we all knew was coming gets introduced; or maybe the extended sequence of Tom Bosley and and Tim Conway chasing a mule around a grocery store at the climax of the film. GUS doesn't offer anything we haven't seen before in terms of wacky hijinks, nondescript Girl character, and doofy premises, but there's something about it that pushed us over the edge. We acknowledge this, beloved D-sciples, but we won't apologize for it.

In this week's episode, Vicky, Nolan and Jill are unpacking why a movie that seems to have so much going for it can still end up failing. Disney's ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE has the pedigree of Trousdale and Wise; the voice talents of Michael J. Fox, James Garner and Cree Summer (to name only a few); and an art style inspired by Hellboy creator Mike Mignola - but for all of that it is as hollow, vacant and flat as the citizenry of Atlantis - no personality, no culture, no charm. Our hosts spend a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong, and while the ethos of "less songs, more explosions" probably didn't do the team working on this movie any favours in making this film feel more like Michael Bay and less like Disney, its not as simple as that. So join us in our investigation as we dissect another animated outing on We Want The D.

The last time we saw Troy, Gabriella and the rest of the Wildcats they were leaving behind their high school (musical) days at the end of senior year, with little to no context of how they got there. This week on We Want The D, Vicky, Nolan and Jill are remedying that by checking out the middle installment of the Disney Channel Original phenomenon, HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2. This time the Wildcats are off the court (kinda) and stage (not really) and "working" summer jobs, but don't worry they're still all in this together so they'll almost certainly survive this challenging rite of passage without turning on each other for petty and stupid reasons.

It seems fitting that the longest film in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise would mean an extra-bloated episode of We Want The D. But in our defense, AT WORLD'S END has a lot to unpack in terms of sheer plot. Each character has their own scheme to follow, their own betrayal to make, and for chrissakes they spend the first hour just trying to bring Jack Sparrow back from the dead. This may be the most convoluted of any of the installments to Disney's seafaring franchise (certainly so far), but there's enough residual charm from the first two films that aside from being waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long there's worse things you could do while folding laundry. Join us for another adventure on the high seas as we continue our Summer of Pirates!

This week's episode of We Want The D is all about a movie about overcoming adversity and obstacles to achieve your dreams. It doesn't matter if you're an unwanted orphan during the great depression. It doesn't matter if you're a pint-sized teenager surrounded by movie star wannabes, gingers who can't grill hot dogs, or a gruff mentor with bad hair extensions. It doesn't because, as the title of this Disney movie constantly reminds us, WILD HEARTS CAN'T BE BROKEN. So even if you find yourself in circumstances like the ones mentioned here, know that no matter what, you too can achieve your dreams of diving horses into pools of muddy water on the Atlantic City boardwalk. Just...for the love of god make sure you close your eyes before you hit the water.