We Will Fix You

Our fixee loves to draw, but, tired of waiting for the muses to strike, they turn to us for help. To fix it, if you will. To fix them, if you’ll permit me to be so bold. Speaking of muses, have you seen Xanadu? Demented film.

A word of warning: the final fix in this episode is especially spicy, so maybe don’t listen to it when the kids are around or if you suspect you’re under surveillance by the po-po or similar.

We’re back, and we’re here to help! This time, with our fixee wants help to lose weight without stripping all of the joy from their life. Can we help? Well, it’s been a while, but we’re oiled up and we’re fixing to fix.

We’re back.

This week’s fixee has taken upon themselves the thankless task of caring for and aiming to improve the lot of a sexless chap from the internet. That’s right, it’s Incel Great Expectations here at We Will Fix You, with Incel Pip, our good-hearted fixee as Old Joe, and here’s us as Magwitch, just trying our best near some sheep.

Some housekeeping: at the end of this episode you might hear someone promise to include links to past episode in the show notes. Well I’m not going to, I’m tired and hungry. Instead, you should listen back to all previous episodes until it’s clear what we’re talking about. Get cracking.

This week’s (year’s?) fixee has demanded we shake off the dust, cram our plague masks with posies and set off into the world in search of fixes. The problem? They fancy their best friend’s ex. The solution? US.

It’s a tale as old as time - you’re doing a work because capitalism demands you sell your dignity at the market rate, when your boss starts to micromanage everything you do. Of course you’d turn to us. Because we’ll fix it. And we’ve got a chart!

Get yer flowchart right here.

It happens to us all - a slip of the pen or keyboard, and quite the wrong message is conveyed. In the case of this week’s fixee, they are locking themselves away to meditate, only to later say it was something… quite different. Can we help? Oh, but we’ve got three robust and sinewy fixes waiting to go.

Look. You don’t like it, we don’t like it, but sometimes people need help with other people and their inability to pee correctly. Just… in the right place. At all. The big porcelain bit. So yeah, here we are. Helping. With all the pee.

When we were young, we were taught that it would be the most important thing in the world to have clear, neat handwriting as we would be doing so much of that in our important adult jobs. Well now we have those and it turns out the only writing we do is cryptic graffiti about wasps on the toilet walls. But I digress, this week’s questioner wants to return to their writing stamina of old. Can we, even in these technological times, return them to the strength of the scriveners of old? You’d better fucking believe it, treacle.

This week’s listener doesn’t know when to stop clicking on Twitter’s recommended accounts, and through plenty of fault of their own is now in a race against Twitter’s algorithm and their own capacity for “erotic joy”. The Algorithm may destroy their horn, and they have turned to us, in the dying days of 2019, for help.