Are you trying to navigate dating as you are healing from gaslighting, trauma, betrayal, divorce, etc.? OR, maybe the thought of entering the dating world again scares the shit out of you! In today’s episode, Sarah brings on a dear friend who is currently navigating that scene. They discuss the things she’s learned about herself, others, AND how to navigate the shit show that dating can often end up being. 

Would YOU like to be a guest on the podcast, share your story, get Sarah’s brain on your experience, and have her help you get some clarity on what has been happening in your relationship? Reach out and get on Sarah’s calendar here! 

Word of the day: Define…  Oxford Languages defines the word define as: to state or describe exactly the nature, scope, or meaning of.  When it comes to gaslighting and SELF-gaslighting, this is a super important word.  Gaslighting happens when someone tries to define – FOR US – exactly what we should think/feel/believe/perceive, and we unknowingly take on these definitions of who we are or how we should live – AS IF THEY WERE OUR OWN. This understanding is central to the discussion I have with my guest today, and the things she’s been learning about herself and dating this past year.

Story Time: Sarah and Annie share some fun stories and talk about two main things Annie has learned over the course of her dating life post-divorce: gaslighting messages about WHO she should be dating and gaslighting messages about who she should BE while dating?

Deconstruction Zone:

• Why self-gaslighting happens; most people, at some point in their lives, realize they’ve taken on things that aren’t in alignment with who they are, authentically.
• The normal, natural, HUMAN desire to be loved by another person is thrown into conflict with self-love when their gaslighter is telling them to think/feel/believe/perceive their way.
• Self-abandonment – this is almost ALWAYS a result of this conflict.  The fear of abandonment by the other person overpowers our fear of abandoning ourselves, so we do what we need to do to win the love of the other person.

Set Your Alarm: Even though the theme of today’s episode is dating, anyone can apply some of the lessons, and set their alarms in a few ways.

• Get curious about what our “baseline”, or starting point, is regarding what we value/want/need in an intimate partner. Let’s talk about how we can figure out what that is:
• Acknowledge that there is a likelihood that you have been gaslit into taking on some things that aren’t authentically you.
• Get curious, and pay attention to the things that have been on auto-pilot, and then ask the following questions:
• Are these things other people told me that I should do, or are they my own (thoughts/feelings/beliefs)?
• Give yourself permission to ask these hard questions: Is this my belief, or did this come from outside of myself? 
• Does this actually feel good when I try to align myself with it? (Again, not SHOULD it feel good… DOES it feel good???!!!)
• Does it bring me peace and joy?
• Remind yourself that life allows for course corrections.  You GET to figure things out as you go, as long as you’re keeping yourself safe with good boundaries.

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And remember – it’s not about becoming who you want to be, it’s about awakening all that you already are!