Wellbeing Wisdom Tiny Bites

Is there someone in your life who always seems to be angry? The tiniest little thing sets them off and there’s nothing you can do to soothe their anger? How much do you know about their back story?

Often someone who shows the world an angry face is simply being aggressively defensive. They’re afraid of rejection or of being hurt, or they’ve had something that left them feeling so sad and so all alone that their defense is to push people away.

Can you feel some compassion for someone like that, instead of condemnation for their out-of-control anger?

I’m not suggesting that you should put yourself in danger, just that instead of judging them as lacking self-control, maybe just understand that they could be in great emotional pain. Unless you’re a therapist, you probably can’t help them very much. When you can show them that some people aren’t afraid of their anger, you might just light a tiny candle of hope and trust inside them that will make them want to behave differently.

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Gossip. OMG, the horrors of gossip, and OMG, the fun of gossip.

Wait – what? How can it be both fun and horrible?

Human beings learn through stories. It’s been that way since the dawn of time, before the invention of the written word. Oral history was shared through storytelling, and gossip is simply malicious storytelling that some people are very, very good at.

If you want to be an attention-seeker, an acceptance-seeker, or a dolt, then go right ahead and engage in gossip at whatever level you choose. If you want to be a better human being than that, now you know what to do. Leave gossip alone!

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Does this ever happen to you – a friend or relative calls, you see the call, and you choose to let them go to voicemail? It doesn’t matter why – in that moment that wasn’t a call you wanted to take or could take? Then you feel a little guilty and when you call them back later, you feel the need to explain yourself?

It’s common to assume that the other person is irritated that you didn’t answer, and once your brain gives you that premise, it’s a very human trait that you go to MSU – making stuff up about how your friend or relative feels about landing in your voicemail instead of talking to you. And our brains are really creative – they can imagine all sorts of negativity and convince us that it’s real. It’s not, and you don’t need to explain yourself.

Really – before you call the person back, remind yourself that everyone has a life and you’re entitled to have a life, too. You’re not the slave of everyone, expected to do their bidding on their timetable. A simple, “sorry to have missed your call” will do nicely, no explanation necessary.

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Do you remember being a child and conjuring up an entire world in your imagination? Maybe you were creating a forest life for your stuffed animals, or maybe a fashion show with your dolls, or maybe you were a magical creature in the forest…whatever you created in your mind felt so real to you, right?

As adults looking back on those times, we usually think we grew out of that kind of imagineering, when what really happened is that the adults in our lives slowly taught us to focus on the real world, not our imaginary ones.

As an adult, spending time with your imaginary world is as important as it was when you were a child, and is just as much fun. Think about what you love to do that uses your imagination – for me, it’s writing and painting. What is it for you? Now, imagine yourself doing more of that. Put it on your calendar, at least once a week, to lose yourself in the world of your imagination.

Your life is so much richer when you do!

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Has your heart ever been broken? If so, welcome to the human race! We love, therefore we suffer pain when love is unreturned or the one we love decides to leave.

Recovering from a failed romance is something that some people just can’t do – they stay stuck in the unfairness, the loss of the fairy tale, and the unrealized dreams they had for their future. Moving on takes time for most people, some more than others. And choosing to never love again is a viable choice. Staying stuck in the emotional wreckage of a failed relationship is not.

Stuck is never where you want or need to be, so if you’re working your way through the end of a relationship, know this: your emotional investment wasn’t in vain, even though it didn’t pay off the way you thought it would in this relationship.

Every time you give your heart to someone, you take a chance. And every time you give your heart to someone, you grow. When we stop growing, we start dying. When it feels right to you, you’ll find love again.

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How was yesterday? Was it awesome, pretty good, so so, or did it suck?

When your feet hit the floor this morning, how did you feel – mired in yesterday or ready for today?

Especially if yesterday was less than optimal, it’s easy to let the disappointment and bad energy of a bad day leak into the next day. Don’t let it!!

You have no power at all to change what happened in the past. The past is done. Finished. Over. You can’t go back and change things. If you need to apologize or make amends to someone you wronged, make that part of today. Then, get started on a brand new day without bringing yesterday’s energy to it.

A great way to do that is with a morning routine centered on stretching, breathing, and prayer or meditation. Starting your day with a regular routine that grounds you in the present gives you the best chance to stop stress and anxiety before it gets started. Click the link in the show notes for the Mind, Body, Soul, podcast – successful people from all walks of life start their day with that 15 minute blend of gentle muscle toning, learning, and meditation.

However you start your day, remember that you have no power in the past so let yesterday slip away as you enjoy today.

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Do you often feel guilty for things you’ve done or said in the past?

Let’s talk about guilt for a minute. If you were raised to adhere to a strict moral code and you go outside that code, it can trigger feelings of guilt. If you cause harm to another person, whether you meant to or not, it can trigger feelings of guilt. If you hold yourself to a high level of performance or achievement, when you miss the mark, it can trigger feelings of guilt.

Guilt and shame are often the result of someone else setting the boundaries for your life, and you buying into those boundaries and trying to live within them. Feeling guilty can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and imposter syndrome, none of which are good for you.

If you feel guilty often, examine why. Are the expectations you think you’re not living up to even reasonable expectations? Are they your expectations for your life, or someone else’s? If they’re yours, are the goals you’ve set for yourself realistic or pie in the sky?

Examine your feelings of guilt every time they crop up – if they stem from expectations that don’t feel real and authentic to you, maybe it’s time to get a new set of expectations for yourself – a set you can happily live up to. It’s your life – live it in a way that feels good to you, not one that makes you feel ashamed all the time.

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Quick – think about the kind of people you gravitate towards – are they the life of the party or the quiet observers?

Take your best friend – not a romantic partner, a friend. When you’re with them, who does more talking – you or your friend? Who is the person that plans where you’ll go and what you’ll do? Who is the one most likely to be noticed by the others around you?

I’m a former major market radio personality, a professional speaker, and someone who creates online courses filled with videos of me – would it surprise you to learn that I’m usually the quietest person in a non-work gathering? There’s no right or wrong about whether you’re the most outgoing or the least outgoing person in your circle of friends. The wonderful thing about the dynamics of friendships is that it’s the variety that keeps things interesting.

Occasionally the differences can spark disagreements, and that’s OK. Both of you will learn and grow from those and your friendship will be stronger. Be who you are – there’s no need for you to try to be like your friends. The friendship will be stronger when you’re you, not a cartoon version of someone else.

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Do you ever get impatient with where you are in your life?

Maybe you think you should be farther along in your studies, or farther along in your career, or farther along in your finances. You have an imaginary yardstick you hold up for yourself and find yourself not measuring up.

Stop for a moment and let’s think about the yardstick – does it even belong to you?

What are you comparing yourself to on that yardstick? Is it a college buddy who seems more successful? Is it a coworker whose life seems more balanced? Is it a friend who seems wise beyond her years?

When you feel impatient with yourself it’s usually because you’re using someone else’s definition of success to beat yourself up with. Can you stop doing that please?

When you’re focused on some arbitrary scale that you’re not even in control of, you’re wasting precious time and energy that you could be putting towards your success. Starting today, try to catch yourself beating yourself up with that yardstick, and remind yourself that your path to success is on your terms and your timeline.

You’re in control, not some stupid yardstick.

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Is there something you reallyreallyreally want that’s not happening as fast as you’d like, or maybe not happening at all? Most people – myself included – were raised to believe that if we wanted something we had to work to get it. Maybe we had to work really hard to get it.

That theory falls apart in the real world, where other people influence whether or not you get what you want. Especially if it’s a love relationship!

Maybe you want the other person and they don’t know you exist or don’t find you a romantic match. If you’re working really hard to get that relationship, all you’re doing is alienating the other person and banging your head against a figurative wall.

When you reallyreallyreally want something, remember this: everything happens easily when the time is right. Your job, when you want something, isn’t to work hard to get it. It’s to take the appropriate steps at the appropriate times and let what you want unfold in your life.

Less struggle – more trust. Enjoy your life as you wait for what you want to come to you.

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