After working as a personal butler to a deranged, elderly former actress, I inherit her fortune upon her untimely death and use it to procure a communist child heir/apprentice from a Christian adoption agency called Kommie Kids.

In a follow-up to last week's episode, I question my favorite prayer hotline about why they hung up on me for asking if God and Satan could "bury the hatchet" and allow Devil-worshippers into Heaven.

I would like to induct the pioneering pizza enthusiast Mr. Ozzy Osbourne into my celebrity hall of fame, but hesitate to do so on account of he worshipped Satan. Can I solve this problem by healing the relationship between God and His nemesis, the devil known as The Devil?

Our Canadian deputy journalist files a report on his country's "new" McPizza Bites, which are part of McDonald's Canada's crime-glorifying International Heist Menu.

After a long hiatus wherein I was evicted from my New York City apartment and hitchhiked across the United States to return to Los Angeles, I detail the details of my current living situation with a deranged former Hollywood actress in a dilapidated mansion.

My thoughts on the election of the latest pope are put on hold as I deal with a copyright dispute concerning the unauthorized use of my image in a YouTube "thirst trap" video.

I examine Cardinal Pizzaball's potential competition in the race to become the next pope. Plus, I discuss updates on the matter of last year's assassination of a lesser-liked Brian Thompson. And I detail the details of my involvement with a famous 1995 murder trial.

I wish a fond farewell to Pope Francis, a.k.a. The Pope, and ruminate on the notion that his passing away might have something to do with my placing U.S. President Donald Trump under citizens' arrest.

After careful consideration of various crimes committed by the United States presidential administration, and with my role as a citizen as well as an award-pending investigative journalist in mind, I make a special announcement / notice re: a citizen's arrest.

I solicit help from above in my quest to be accidentally added to a group chat discussing top secret McDonald's secrets.