I solicit help from above in my quest to be accidentally added to a group chat discussing top secret McDonald's secrets.

I show support for McDonald's adult-oriented menu items (like pizza) by donning a costume to purchase the new Minecraft adult Happy Meal.

I attempt to trick McDonald's new artificial intelligence facial recognition technology by wearing a rubber fright mask of comedian/talent judge Howard Mandel's face.

In my pursuit to join the College of Cardinals so that I might cast a vote for a pizza-friendly pope, I chat online with a friendly priest from PriestChat.com.

With the current pope in ill health, I pursue the possibility of joining the College of Cardinals so that I might cast a vote for the next pope: Pope Pizzaballa I.

In an attempt to gain better access to government records regard McDonald's Pizza matters (whatever happened to it, etc.), I seek to join the Department of Government Efficiency.

Research on Reddit.com leads me to question whether McDonald's stopped serving pizza because too many people were eating the plastic tray on which is was served.

On the conclusion of an epic 3-part saga concerning the horrific Altoona-style pizza, I share the results of my accidental plastic consumption with the Kraft corporation and am rewarded handsomely for the effort.

On the advice of the Kraft corporation, I contact the reference desk at my local public library to determine whether I am in bodily danger from having consumed a Kraft Single with the plastic wrapper still on.

I detail the shocking horror of Altoona-style pizza and suffer my own intestinal mishap in the process.