What's The Matter With Me? Podcast

In this episode, I give a shoutout to Kevin for Montana info, share insights from Andrew Pulrang’s Disability Thinking, and discuss prepping Dax Pierson interview questions. I also talk about my kids’ haircuts, our neighborhood, music, therapy, hospital visits, and my recent solo trips and poetry publications.

Shout outs to Kevin. thanks for the info about Montana. Kevin does comic book reviews on his YouTube channel Under The Cowl Of MS.

Now reading Andrew Pulrang’s Disability Thinking Substack. I’ve always been partial to the combination of disability with thinking, the guy’s been on another level for a long time.

Writing Dax Pierson interview questions. I have been lagging, trying to be recovered fully before doing the interview. I think it may be time to move forward.

After months of hair drama, i took my kids to Supercuts and John’s long hair was over in a moment. He was happy. With his new haircut, he’s ready for summer.

I’m glad that our neighborhood is a protected cul-de-sac. It means the kids can play outside with the other kids in the neighborhood and there’s hardly any car traffic.

Magic Fig. San Francisco psych band. I heard it reviewed at the KFJC staff meeting and I ordered it from the group’s bandcamp page.

Cool new record – local band – insane amount of styles – dreamlike hooks – psychedelic SF – full sonic fireworks, Silver Current Label – over the top – combo Sid Barrett mixed with HR Puff n’ Stuff

KFJC Music Notes 6/5/24

24-Hour yogurt is smoother than 8-hour yogurt, go figure.

I went to the Express Care at the Eden Valley Medical Center bc my ear was feeling blocked, like it had somebody’s thumb stuck in it. They prescribed Flonase and something else, and they’ve been making it easier to breathe through the machine

My anxiety is low, put fast away, like it’s in the past. My talk therapist thinks it may be due to the EMDR therapy that we’ve been doing.

I drove the kids to Foothill College where we went to KFJC and we hung out with Jack Tar and Good Karma before having snack on the quad, and then we drove to Hayward. In Hayward, we went to Burger King, a place the kids wanted to go badly after seeing the commercial a million times.

The next day, I went to Oakland on my own. I’ve learned how to strap the wheelchair onto my car by myself. On Father’s Day, I took the kids to Berkeley. We went to Amoeba Music, Moe’s Books, Games of Berkeley, and had slices of pizza for lunch. My new expanded base of operations includes Oakland, Berkeley and Los Altos.

My ears were burning, my vibe was strong. Three poems were accepted for publication in two different journals. After a long gap, they were accepted in the same day by editors working half a world apart. It’ll be my first time publishing my work in another country, and also my first time reprinting a poem. Stay tuned, you’ll be the first to know..

I asked my son about skibidi toilet, and he replied:

It’s gone viral.. in fifty years, look in the history books, and there’ll be skibidi toilet. Skibidi Toilet is a part of history.

A 10-year-old

Shout outs to Amy and Matt who had us over for a barbecue
Shout outs to Anthony was in town and came over

My sleep apnea CPAP device has been having low pressure, making it hard to breathe through. Unsurprisingly, it triggers anxiety. It’s like breathing through a long straw. To counteract the feeling of not being able to breathe, I adjusted the pressure on my sleep apnea device and slept longer.

I’m trying to get an appointment with the sleep doctor. I’ve slept ok last the last four or five nights.

Submitting poetry is comforting because the process is its own reward. It can just go on endlessly, a bit like the radio.

Talking to my friends, many have some source of anxiety, from stress, responsibility, waking up in the middle of the night, no afternoon coffee, drinking beer and sleeping badly. I guess what I’m going through is a fairly common experience.

I used Curb Free With Cory Lee! as a guide to book a wheelchair-accessible Alaska Cruise for 2025. This summer, we’re going to Montana for family vacation.

The new coffee machine is making better espresso. I haven’t fully figured out how to steam milk and integrate that into my coffee making, so I end up with a cappuccino that is exactly the way I want it.

I’m taking the kids to school in the mornings again.

Uncontrolled anxious thought chains kept me from bed. I didn’t get to sleep until after 1:00 a.m.

Today I did something I have been afraid of for months- since we got the wheelchair lift- I l loaded and unloaded my chair onto my van by myself.
In November, when I got the chair lift, I assumed that I couldn’t do it because there were straps and restraints to tie down the chair. A little complicated for me last year, but now, I’ve figured out some ways that I can use it on my own and there’s no other way to figure that out but just doing it

Thanks to my wife who supported me and who loaded my chair in and out of my van for years and now I figured out how I can do it on my own. I’ve needed a victory like this that I could point to and say, “I am improving.”

It takes a couple minutes to put my wheelchair on the car, but not very long at all. It makes me feel independent and that is very good.

In related news, I drove and got my pants hemmed at John The Fashion Tailor in Oakland. I’ve been getting things altered there for 20 years. Hemming six inches off of my pants changed the proportion of my clothes.

Skibidi Toilet is a part of history
I slept pretty well last night

I’m driven from bed, get dressed, go outside to calm down, and eventually get back in bed. Out-of-control thoughts about the various trauma I’m going through overwhelm me, and soon I’m driven from bed again.

Searched up ‘strategy to stop repetitive behavior compulsive’ at 130am:

Sleep anxiety is a feeling of stress or fear about going to sleep. Anxiety is the most common mental health disorder in the U.S. Research suggests that most people with mental health disorders like anxiety also have some form of sleep disruption. Treatments may include therapy, better sleep hygiene or medication.

“Sleep Anxiety,” Cleveland Clinic

I took the kids to school again. We listened to KCSM, the Bay Area’s Jazz Station, on the short drove to school. my daughter said it reminded her of Grandma’s house, where indeed there is always jazz on the stereo. I told her about how I grew up listening to jazz on the radio.

My walking is definitely improving. Soon, I hope I can go to KFJC on my own. I’m working up to it. First, I got to get a good night’s sleep.

I’m falling in love with the new cat.

We subscribed to The 2025 season of @calperformances. We’re going to see @therealmambazo @SamaraJoy99 @AntonioDrumsX @ZakirHtabla. I’m very excited.

Back in the day I saw Phillip Glass perform “Monsters Of Grace,” directed by Robert Wilson in Zellerbach Hall, and it was very spectacular.

Originally, Wilson intended the fantastical scenarios he envisioned to actually be staged. When he realized the enormous costs and effort that would be involved in performing such a project (which included such tableaux as a gigantic hand pulling a sword from the ocean and a helicopter flying over the Great Wall of China), Wilson and producer Jed Wheeler began looking into creating the entire visual end of the production with 3D computer graphics. …

One major drawback that seems to have been the project’s main flaw was the length of time required for creating and rendering the animation. It took twenty animators almost a full year to complete the footage based on Wilson’s original intent. Wilson, who has been described as liking to maintain great control over his projects and to change details at the last minute, gradually grew frustrated upon seeing how much time was required to change the animations, and ended up distancing himself from the animators. This led to a final product that, from his standpoint, was unpolished. In an interview with the New York Times, he remarked, “This is like being a dog with a litter of puppies that went away six weeks later. . . . Here I was working with people who didn’t know my work, in a medium I didn’t know.”

“Monsters Of Grace” Wikipedia page

We won’t be seeing that again.

We subscribed right after they announced the schedule, which reserves us a place in line to get ADA seats.

A new espresso machine is coming – the Lelit Victoria. It’s an updated version of the 30-year old machine I use currently.

The new therapist is doing eye movement therapy, called EMDR.

Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, commonly known as EMDR, is a mental health therapy method. EMDR treats mental health conditions that happen because of memories from traumatic events in your past. It’s best known for its role in treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but its use is expanding to include treatment of many other conditions.

“EMDR,” Cleveland Clinic

I’m winning the war on anxiety, because I won’t have it any other way. Sleep anxiety is making things difficult.

I drove to Emeryville and get my haircut from Anjela at New Florence Salon.

A few days ago, out of-control thoughts and chains of compulsive behaviors drove me from bed 10 times. The next night, I slept just fine, as if nothing was the matter. Then the night after that, I woke at 3:30 AM, and couldn’t get back to sleep.

Need to ride my exercise bike, to get out of my head and into my body.

Thanks for listening, catch you next time. Have a good day.

Article: Paris Promised The Olympics Would Be Accessible

The city, which put inclusivity at the center of its bid, has improved access for people with disabilities, but with the opening ceremony about 12 weeks away, obstacles remain.

One of the hardest things about Multiple sclerosis is wrapping your head around it. being cool with the things that are happening to you in the processes that you are part of accepting them is very difficult. maybe it doesn’t have to be. in Buddhism they say that all life is suffering, but some of it is unnecessary.

Maybe it’s important to accept myself and what’s happening, that it is okay that you are okay it has been okay it is okay and it will continue to be okay.

I am thinking about that because I am going to start talk therapy again

I’m getting some relief from anxiety. taking it easy

Last night I made rice and beans and we had it with eggs and salad

Bailey, a female wrestler on smackdown from San Jose CA

It rained on free comic book day

anxious feelings are difficult to control

back pain creating a nerve tingle in my groin and knee

difficulty sleeping

I play an impartial judge in mayhem special. Jersey girl and max levels

I drove to the coffee shop and didn’t give up until I got a cappuccino – twice

drove to Oakland and pumped my own gas

Max level picked me up at my house and drove me to kfjc where we broadcast the snap crackle pop special with Jersey Girl. shout outs to max level Jersey Girl circumference, Robert Emmett and the sandman

everybody played a role

radio helped anxiety – in the moment

New talk therapist began. we spoke about the bad anxiety i was feeling, the anxious thoughts and the need to tell the doctor that the medication was not relieving me. my therapist has worked with disabled people before, and some of them could not communicate, so they had a hard time advocating for themselves.

insomnia. anxiety. panic when I liey down. the numbness inside my head becomes my focus, and I obsess over it. eventually I calm myself enough to lie down, then the cycle begins anew

I drove my family to a baby shower in Dublin for one of my wife’s coworkers

Recently, I read a tweet by flea, and I was forced to reconsider:

Pat Matheny was a jazz guitarist that my stepfather really admired. For that reason, in my youth I stayed away from it. In general, I mind it less now that I am older, but I generally don’t seek it out.

Sometimes, a random tweet by flea will turn decades of tradition on its head, and I’ll be forced to reconsider. In an interview with Rick Beato, Pat Metheny had this to say about musical invention:

German jazz critics are great. They’ll come right out and say the most direct thing. I had a guy say to me– you know, not that long ago, maybe 10 years ago– “Are you the last old guy, or are you the first new guy?” and the thing is, I bet you know what he means too, right? Yeah, of course.. I mean, for me, both.

Well, I don’t know, I mean, you know, it’s hard to be objective about your own thing, but what I will say is that, for me, there was no option other than trying to invent stuff, yeah.

I had a bout of anxious feelings and panic. I reached out to my care team and spoke over video and in-person at the office with my doctor the next day. We think it could be related to switching off of nerve-pain medication post-surgery.

Over at Hoppin Hot Sauce, there’s a new recipe for Marinated Spicy Chicken Thighs marinated in yogurt, salt, and Hoppin Hot Sauce.

I’m happy to announce the publication of “Vern” in Identity Theory, selected by Micro Editor Vic Nogay. Many thanks to the publisher Matt Borondy.

“Vern” is a 50-word story about the workplace injury sustained by my great grandfather, T. Vernon Smithson, at the cotton gin in Mount Juliet, Tennessee.

Identity Theory is an online magazine of literature and culture publishing interviews, prose, poetry, art, commentary, and other inventive explorations of humanity since 2000.

“Vern” published

I’m happy to announce the publication of my eco-disaster poem, “Hot Day” in Disturb The Universe Magazine, April 23, 2024. The poem takes place in a decomposing world in thrall to “inevitable circumstances/ That can’t be avoided.”

According to their website, “Disturb the Universe aims to share writing on the edge from writers strongly inhabiting their voice.” Many thanks to Editor in Chief Skaja Evens.

“Hot Day” published

Is disguising the inevitable sinking feeling but it has to be in there, somewhere.

For the first time since 2020, my wife is back to the office four days a week. It’s probably a big change for her. She comes home bursting with stories of her new gig. She seems very stimulated, and I think that’s a good thing. Our home is empty during the day for the first time since we moved from San Jose.

I’m in my wheelchair less and less, and walking more. This week I went to the library on my own, walking in and out from the parking lot, trying to build stamina. I went to the doctor without the chair. I use it when we go to the market, any time when I’ll have to do extended walking or to carry things.

Last week, I picked up the kids from school and picked up the vegetable box – something that I haven’t done more than once or twice in the past year.

I made an appointment to get a hair cut in a couple weeks, and it’ll be my first time going to the hair salon since the beginning of last august, almost 9 months ago.

Shout outs to the Sandman, who wrote in about kale and he knows more about kale than I ever will. He works with kale as a kaleologist.

Buy Extra Hot Hoppin Hot Sauce from Amazon as we will be out of stock on Extra Hot in the near term, and once Amazon runs out, we’re out.

Instant Noodles published my 50-word story “CYBERTRUCK DENTAL, S. DE R.L.”

The link to the stuff that is published, along with what’s upcoming is on the Publications page of my author site jwh.whatsthematterwithme.org

The sinking feeling you have after publication is the same one you have after you have an art opening. Everything returns to normal. Banal, mundane, normal.

But in fact, I did accomplish something. What I set out to do: become a published writer.

The thing rolls on, even: a second 50-word story will be published in a different publication next week. I recorded myself reading it in a video at the request of the editor.

Looking at the calendar, it’s been about 4 weeks since I had surgery. I’ve reduced my medication down to the pointt where I’m almost completely titrated off of the pain medications I’ve been taking for months.

We’ve got a new cat at the house. It’s a two-month-old kitten that’s part-lynx. It’s in quarantine for the next 10 days, maybe more.

I lit the barbecue for the first time this year. Now that my meds are reduced, I feel like not as scary to grill. For the first go-around, I made skirt steak and eggplant
Last night, I grilled a pork tenderloin with whole grain mustard, brown sugar and Shaoxing wine. We ate it with steamed new potatoes and boiled carrots.

We ordered a new juniper tree, a ‘Hollywood Juniper’ juniperus chinensis var. kaizuka.

After launching my writer’s website, I’m remaking the whatsthematterwithme.org website with the same theme. If it all goes well, I could see myself redoing HoppinHotSauce.com the same way.

Past WTMWM? interview subject Gary Cannone got a great write-up by Lori Waxman in hyperallergic about his solo show at Compound Yellow in Oak Park, IL. Check out the Gary Cannone Interview Special here.

For the first time in months, I got up from the couch by myself. A couple of times

Undergoing a period of change: I had surgery, I got published and I went on vacation. Plenty of new music reviews in this episode.

What’s The Matter With Me? Podcast is sponsored by Hoppin Hot Sauce. Order it on Amazon.

Writings By John Winfield Hoppin is live, because my editor said I needed a writer’s website. I think it’s pretty nifty..

Subscribers get the selfie for as long as we all live. It’s a lifetime subscription

Shout outs to Marchandspetrat, hockey s-poster living with MS

Shout outs to Rocky, Cousin Eric

<a href="https://daxpierson.bandcamp.com/album/nerve-bumps-a-queer-divine-dissatisfaction">Nerve Bumps (A Queer Divine Dissatisfaction) by Dax Pierson</a>

Upcoming interview subject Dax Pierson

Shout outs to the Sandman who turned me on to James Wavey Snowy Beach, which was added recently at KFJC.

<a href="https://jameswavey.bandcamp.com/album/james-wavey-snowy-beach">James Wavey Snowy Beach by James Wavey</a>

I was accepted on a piece of writing, and for the first time I made a signed agreement. Follow JWH Live! to hear more about the writing.

In the run-up to surgery, in a lot of trigeminal neuralgia pain, I increased my dosage and I felt like it was too much. Trying to even things out, I reduced by 25% overall, and it helped return me to the land of the living.

No coffee, no ibuprofen.

On a day when I would usually be recording, I went to the hospital to have surgery, my third RF Rhizotomy and fifth neurosurgery on my trigeminal nerve overall. I had two MVD (microvascular decompression) surgeries to begin with. Recovery is much easier with rhizotomy. MVD literally bores a hole in your skull, and it takes a lot of recuperation to heal. Hospital stay from rhizotomy can be as short as a few hours.

In advance of surgery, maybe to take my mind off it, or to give myself something to look forward to, I bought some tunes.

<a href="https://recitalprogram.bandcamp.com/album/spontaneous-musical-invention">Spontaneous Musical Invention by Thomas Buckner sings Robert Ashley</a>

Robert Ashley is a composer of 1980s opera. There’s a lot of talking in the libretto. The gatefold record comes with a cool book with photos. I really like the Recital label because they have interesting packaging. The record is one of 350.

<a href="https://recitalprogram.bandcamp.com/album/whiplash">Whiplash by Asha Sheshadri</a>

This record is like sound art, but at the same time it’s a record. I’Layered, specific, related to site. Like getting a bunch of jumbled-up instructions for a treasure hunt, cryptic. Edition of 200.

<a href="https://hakunakulala.bandcamp.com/album/the-gqom-trilogy">The Gqom Trilogy by DJ Scriby // DJ Marillo // DJ Skothan //</a>

Gqom is known for its beats which have a minimal, raw and repetitive sound with heavy bass. It is mainly described as having a dark and hypnotic club sound. The style of beats does not use the four-on-the-floor rhythm pattern which is often heard in other house music.

“Gqom” Wikipedia article

Digging this record – I’m new to Gqom, but I like it. The release is by three different DJs, a triple EP.

<a href="https://hakunakulala.bandcamp.com/album/drunk-in-love">Drunk in Love by Elvin Brandhi & Lord Spikeheart</a>

This is far out. File under extreme vocal performances. The feeling is metal, but the sound is electronic. Tense, spastic. Questionable in a good way, challenging material.

Now I’m back from surgery and my face feels different. Talking and eating and I’m sure other things that I’m not noticing are affected. Familiar disassociation after surgery.

It’s a matter of deciding how I feel about the things that are different. First, I have to accept them.

After surgery, it takes time for my body to properly calculate changes in sensation, and adjust the body’s size map accordingly.

The piano is tuned

Drove to Oakland by myself and went to a couple of friend’s houses for about 3 and 1/2 hours. It was the first time in 16 months.

Subscribers get the selfie for as long as we all shall live. It’s a lifetime subscription

Cuts in my hands have been getting infected and filling with green goop

We got the wine delivery, man, and the wine deliveryman was in his 20s, maybe his mid-20s, and he was really upset about global warming. “Things aren’t l really pleasant anymore,” he said.

I felt for him. “I feel for you,” I said

We still have a case of Bulgarian toilet paper that has no perforations and ripping it feels like tearing up someone’s college application, or well-qualified resume printed out on nice paper.

Remember back in 2020, when there wasn’t toilet paper? We bought a case of Bulgarian toilet paper and it was like riving a sheet of Bristol board to rip a sheet off. There were no perforations, it was 80% normal size so it didn’t fit on the roll,

I watched the “Taylor Swift: Eras” movie with Koko, so I know about Taylor Swift now. Not sure what, but I know it. The movie is long, but not as long as “Killers of the Flower Moon.” She gets into slang patterns thata made me uncomfortable. To get it going, I had to figure out my Disney Plus login credentials, and that, in itself, is a big bonus.

I experienced severe face pain once before bedtime, and then many times (a couple dozen?) after 4am. I cut out coffee, ibuprofen and started going up on my medicine that day, settling on twice of my usual dosage. That was too much, and I became extremely drowsy and experienced visual, balance and energy side affects. Eventually I settled around 175% of my usual dose, which. for the moment, is keeping the pain away and limiting the worst side effects.

Surgery is next week, my third RF rhizotomy. I knew this treatment could recur and that it was not necessarily permanent. Let’s hope the third time’s the charm.

One way to enjoy Hoppin Hot Sauce is “On Pasta”.

In the midst of near-total chaos, small rituals ground us, nourishing both body and soul.

“On Pasta” at HoppinHotSauce.com

Shout outs to schwabino kickin fatal aikido kung fu karate they bout to find your body you better ask somebody mymedia designer.com tell a friend to tell a friend about my media designer

My hair is long as it’s been since 2009! See for yourself above. Subscribers get the selfie e-mailed to them, they don’t even have to do anything, just lay there.

It’s an NFT, it’s collectible, it’s a blockchain. Blockchain sounds like a necklace to me

The wine delivery is coming tomorrow. In the meantime, we’ve been back to “One Or Two Beers Dry January-February-Marchuary” mode, just for the past few days. Long live one or two beers Dry January

A chapbook is a small publication of up to about 40 pages, sometimes bound with a saddle stitch.

“Chapbook,” Wikipedia

I collected what poetry I have written since I moved here in 2021. It’s over 45 pages, and Wikipedia says it’s enough to make a chapbook.

I went to the San Leandro Unified School District Spring Concert in my wheelchair, to see my son play trumpet in the spring concert.

At Breakfast is a great time to have Hoppin Hot Sauce.

Just like the iconic trios of Larry, Curly, and Moe, or black, white, and grey, or even the Roman numerals I, II and III, eggs, English muffins and Hoppin Hot Sauce form an unforgettable trio that’s sure to become a favorite in your kitchen.

Shout out to Jersey Girl and Max Level
We’re going to broadcast a game show in May
I’ll be the score

Selfie or no selfie the email is going out – grab it while you are still living, go to whatsthematterwithme.org and click subscribe

I drove my van. First, around the block. Next, to the library, where I saw men with nowhere else to go walking around the library grounds in the rain an hour before opening. Finally, I drove to Oakland, up 580 and to Piedmont Avenue, to Cato’s Ale House. I photographed it from my parking space and texted it to my buddy, lamenting that it was too early for beer. He replied, “It’s never too early for beer.” It’s good to have friends. Shout out to Matt. Turning around, I drove back home.

According to the “kale” page of Wikipedia\, Kale came to America in the 19th century from Croatia, brought by USDA botanist David Fairchild, who did not eat it, who detested cabbages of all sorts.

We have a freezer full of borscht. Chock full of borscht, we have borscht coming out the wazoo. My aunt and uncle were in town and we had them over for lunch. We ate borscht.