WheatFieldstoWonderland

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Los Angeles, You Make Me Want to Drink! Living in a large metropolitan city is challenging in and of its self. But, Los Angeles is unique. An urban center whose heart is the hub for the entertainment industry makes Hollywood a global hotspot destination of intrigue and excitement. A place with rich cultural and ethnicRead More...

Is Valentine’s Day the Most Romantic Day of the Year? The most romantic day of the year, February 14th is the day we officially celebrate LOVE! All of the coupled people out there know that this is the one day of the year where your partner, your spouse, your boyfriend, or your girlfriend better bloody-wellRead More...

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Falling into a New Decade, and how Not to Fuck it up… The start of a New Year always brings renewed hope and expectations, a fresh start, so to speak. People are busy making lists of New Year’s Resolutions, trying to find ways to improve their lives and correct their errors from the past year.Read More...

Dating A Two Time Loser   Time, the one thing we have in this life that we never have enough of, and no matter what we do, we all eventually run out of time. Time to finish an exam, time to get to work, time to stand in line, time to complete a project, timeRead More...

A Comedian, An Actor and A Dog The love of my life was undoubtedly my little dog Canoli, who not only stole my heart, but also managed to have a complete lock on it for the fifteen wonderful years we spent together. And so, on the anniversary of his birthday, August 10th, I decided toRead More...

Beware of Vultures lurking in Los Angeles! How often have you seen vultures flying overhead in the clear blue skies of Los Angeles? Vultures are scavengers, meaning they eat dead animals. They rarely attack healthy animals, but they also prey on wounded or sick animals. While it is rare to spot a vulture’s massive wingspanRead More...

Let's just say, my date with a guy who was HORNIER than any other man I have ever met. You gotta listen or read it to believe it! #dating #horny #sex #sexuality #hollywood #jerks

Dissecting Bumble Boys Profiles

Who is BUZZING on BUMBLE??

How many single people right now are buzzing on Bumble? Personally, as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of internet dating. When I am on a dating site, I become someone whom I don’t really like. Why? Because I tend to look at a man’s appearance first, and then his occupation. If he doesn’t look attractive or have a professional occupation, I immediately swipe left. It makes me feel shallow, and in real life, a quirky smart guy who is funny will get my attention over a chiseled model. I like to feel someone’s energy, and unfortunately, you can’t tap into a person’s energy when you look at a profile picture online.

And then, there is the profile description, which, maybe I am twisted, but when I read some of the profiles it makes me want to swipe left for my own safety. So, I thought perhaps I would try and help the men on Bumble understand why NOBODY is swiping right in their direction. Or, at least why I am NOT swiping in their direction!

Dissecting the men of Bumble:

Okay, so for the record, the names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the words that follow are precisely what these dudes have stated, spelling and punctuation mistakes and all, to try and lure you into going out with them. Here goes!

Let’s begin with the Bumble Boys who are short of words…

Tom, 57… ‘Let’s Karaoake!’ Tom, that’s all you want to say? If that is all you want to say, perhaps you might want to spell KARAOKE correctly because the only thing I know about you know is the most likely you are not that intelligent.

Jack, 45, ‘actor, nice guy’… Jack, I am sorry but if you are an actor at 45 and all you can say is that you are a nice guy, and you post two pictures of yourself and they are both selfies, I am going to assume that you may be nice, but most likely are a struggling or unemployed actor, and well, I’m sorry but, I dated THAT in my 20’s!

Danny, 42, ‘Love, cook, cuddle, caress’… I get it, you want sex, and somewhere in between sex, you will cook up some eggs so I can renew my strength to have … more sex.

Barton, 44, “It’s not my nature to be mysterious.” Huh? Not only are you not mysterious, but you also have nothing to say. I can only guess you are boring, and what does this mean anyway? I am not even the slightest bit curious to know WHAT your nature is!

Benito, 43, ‘Be real and I be real’… Well, Benito, I’ll be real quick and to the point, I really need more to go on; and, it also makes me wonder if you are into ‘blow-up dolls’, just sayin’, you know, the real part?

 

The scary Bumble Boy profiles…

Michael, 50 (holding a large piece of wood over his head in his profile picture)…”Look, if we built this large wooden badger?” First of all, What the FUCK? And then secondly, What the FUCK? You don’t make any sense and you are illiterate and WTF! And, you scare me, you really do.

Martin, 49, (and bald and bloated I will add)… Daddy Dom looking for his kinky girl in the bedroom. But, not just looking for random hookups, looking for excitement in life and the bedroom kink friend… OMG, Martin, this is so not ’50 Shades of Grey’ sexy, this is disturbing. This is disturbing.

Dan, 47, ‘Love travel (inner and the world)’… Dan, I am sorry, but I am not into psychotropic drugs, so I swiped left for you.

George, 49, I get distracted by shiny objects. What the Fuck? So, does that mean if you see a shiny knife you might get distracted and want to dissect me? Or, does a diamond ring scare you away. Which is it? Either way, you scare me and I am running as fast as I can from your profile page.

Pelvic-Wizard, 55 (okay, I changed the second word, but it was almost identical)…  Umm, women already have pelvic wizards… they are called vibrators. Go away, you are weird.

Bruce, 47 ‘I like naughty and nice, profanity and intelligent conversations… A fun hunter.’… Okay, Bruce, I get that SEX is your main priority, and apparently, you want it a little kinky and vulgar at the same time, yet some