Dissecting Bumble Boys Profiles
Who is BUZZING on BUMBLE??
How many single people right now are buzzing on Bumble? Personally, as I have previously stated, I am not a fan of internet dating. When I am on a dating site, I become someone whom I don’t really like. Why? Because I tend to look at a man’s appearance first, and then his occupation. If he doesn’t look attractive or have a professional occupation, I immediately swipe left. It makes me feel shallow, and in real life, a quirky smart guy who is funny will get my attention over a chiseled model. I like to feel someone’s energy, and unfortunately, you can’t tap into a person’s energy when you look at a profile picture online.
And then, there is the profile description, which, maybe I am twisted, but when I read some of the profiles it makes me want to swipe left for my own safety. So, I thought perhaps I would try and help the men on Bumble understand why NOBODY is swiping right in their direction. Or, at least why I am NOT swiping in their direction!
Dissecting the men of Bumble:
Okay, so for the record, the names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the words that follow are precisely what these dudes have stated, spelling and punctuation mistakes and all, to try and lure you into going out with them. Here goes!
Let’s begin with the Bumble Boys who are short of words…
Tom, 57… ‘Let’s Karaoake!’ Tom, that’s all you want to say? If that is all you want to say, perhaps you might want to spell KARAOKE correctly because the only thing I know about you know is the most likely you are not that intelligent.
Jack, 45, ‘actor, nice guy’… Jack, I am sorry but if you are an actor at 45 and all you can say is that you are a nice guy, and you post two pictures of yourself and they are both selfies, I am going to assume that you may be nice, but most likely are a struggling or unemployed actor, and well, I’m sorry but, I dated THAT in my 20’s!
Danny, 42, ‘Love, cook, cuddle, caress’… I get it, you want sex, and somewhere in between sex, you will cook up some eggs so I can renew my strength to have … more sex.
Barton, 44, “It’s not my nature to be mysterious.” Huh? Not only are you not mysterious, but you also have nothing to say. I can only guess you are boring, and what does this mean anyway? I am not even the slightest bit curious to know WHAT your nature is!
Benito, 43, ‘Be real and I be real’… Well, Benito, I’ll be real quick and to the point, I really need more to go on; and, it also makes me wonder if you are into ‘blow-up dolls’, just sayin’, you know, the real part?
The scary Bumble Boy profiles…
Michael, 50 (holding a large piece of wood over his head in his profile picture)…”Look, if we built this large wooden badger?” First of all, What the FUCK? And then secondly, What the FUCK? You don’t make any sense and you are illiterate and WTF! And, you scare me, you really do.
Martin, 49, (and bald and bloated I will add)… Daddy Dom looking for his kinky girl in the bedroom. But, not just looking for random hookups, looking for excitement in life and the bedroom kink friend… OMG, Martin, this is so not ’50 Shades of Grey’ sexy, this is disturbing. This is disturbing.
Dan, 47, ‘Love travel (inner and the world)’… Dan, I am sorry, but I am not into psychotropic drugs, so I swiped left for you.
George, 49, I get distracted by shiny objects. What the Fuck? So, does that mean if you see a shiny knife you might get distracted and want to dissect me? Or, does a diamond ring scare you away. Which is it? Either way, you scare me and I am running as fast as I can from your profile page.
Pelvic-Wizard, 55 (okay, I changed the second word, but it was almost identical)… Umm, women already have pelvic wizards… they are called vibrators. Go away, you are weird.
Bruce, 47 ‘I like naughty and nice, profanity and intelligent conversations… A fun hunter.’… Okay, Bruce, I get that SEX is your main priority, and apparently, you want it a little kinky and vulgar at the same time, yet some
