Don’t DRINK and SWIPE
So, what do I mean when I say Don’t DRINK and SWIPE?
Hmm… Let me set the scene for you.
So, it’s Saturday night, and just as you were getting ready to head out the door looking your most glamorous self, your friend texts you that she suddenly she has to postpone. Postpone because… well, who cares why, WE ALL KNOW it’s a lie. No one cancels 15 minutes before you are to meet them! There is NO good reason for that, unless you’re in a car crash, or someone has just died or, well, you died, in which case you would not be able to text your friend to cancel.
So now, you are left to your own sad, lonely devices. As you start to take off your make-up, you walk over the fridge and look inside to find nothing, nothing at all that looks palatable to eat. However, you notice a stack of take-out menus by your phone, and after perusing through them you call and order Chinese food. By the time the food has arrived, you are cozy in your jammies, lying in bed sipping a large glass of Cabernet and watching a Lifetime movie while at the same time, trying not to feel pathetic.
Yeah, but you DO feel PATHETIC!
After you answer the door, and tip the delivery guy, you head back into the kitchen with your glass of now almost empty Cabernet. You plop the bag of food down by the open bottle of wine, dish up a plate full of yummy Chinese broccoli and garlic shrimp, rip open the paper concealing the chop-sticks, stick them into your food and fill up your glass of Cabernet.
Now, back cozy in your bed, watching your Lifetime movie, eating your food and sipping your wine, suddenly life doesn’t look so bad. The future looks rosy, or maybe it’s just the hue of the rosy red Cabernet. Before you know it, two hours have flown by. And, just as you predicted, the heroine’s boyfriend really was the serial killer! In the last five minutes (it’s always in the last five minutes of a Lifetime movie) the boyfriend was unveiled to be the killer he was, the heroine barely missing falling prey to his evil clutches.
You get up, stretch, put your empty dishes in the dishwasher, and any leftover Chinese food into the fridge for the night. Your wine glass is once again empty, so you walk over the bottle of wine, lift it up and you notice that only a third of the wine is left. So, you start to cork it, putting it back down on the counter. Then, you hesitate—I mean, it’s Saturday night, after all, so you pour yourself another full glass, grab your cell phone and head back to your bed.
Bored, you check out your emails, your Facebook, your Twitter, and your Instagram accounts, ‘liking’ your friends’ pictures—friends by the way who have a LIFE as they are out posting their Saturday night escapades—and suddenly, you feel alone again.
Ah… the SWIPE life of a lonely girl or guy on a Saturday night….
Suddenly, you realize at this moment that what you need is a man! You need a date! You need a boyfriend! HELL, you need a husband! Yes, that’s it, a husband would end this lonely ‘it’s Saturday night and my friend flaked out on me reoccurring scenario’ that you are constantly being tortured with living in a city like Los Angeles. So, what do you do? You head straight to your Bumble account and open it up and… good news! A lot of bees are buzzing about you.
Shit, your night just got better! You are in demand! YOU, MY FRIEND, are a hot commodity! Excited, you jump out of bed, head back into the kitchen, and finish off the bottle of Cabernet, putting the glass on your nightstand as you sit cross-legged on your bed, scrolling through your Bumble site…
Ah yes, Bumble, you are on Bumble ….
You start to look at prospective husbands’ pictures, swiping left almost immediately for most of them. The men who look somewhat attractive you read their profiles to see if they might live up to your ‘husband expectations list’. Perhaps, if they do, you swipe right. Suddenly, you spot a really cute guy! But Goddamn It, he looks just like the serial killer you saw on TV tonigh