When We Disagree

In 2018, Phelosha Collaros, a senior leader at St. John's College, faced a social media firestorm after announcing the college president’s upcoming appearance on Tucker Carlson’s show.  The announcement, which aimed to showcase the college’s commitment to ideological diversity and civil dialogue, sparked intense backlash, with personal attacks and divided reactions from alumni and parents. Collaros became the face of the controversy as both sides of the political spectrum expressed concerns about the college's direction.  She runs Depolarwise, a website that showcases cutting-edge work in common ground. 

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David Dudrick, a Catholic philosopher at Colgate University, shared his religious commitments with a colleague only to have his beliefs utterly dismissed. Despite being initially cast as foolish by his colleague, their disagreement about religion and philosophy evolved into a productive, respectful intellectual partnership. Through candid debates, they learned to engage with opposing views without compromising their beliefs. 

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Jenn Wiggin, an executive producer of TV shows, films, and plays, discusses the shifting dynamics of her 30-year friendship with an actress in New York. After Jenn married and moved away from New York, her best friend accused her of neglecting their connection, leading to a two-year period of distance. Jenn responded calmly to the accusation, and she reflects on the tension between the expectations of frequent contact and the reality of evolving lives and responsibilities. Ultimately, the relationship healed after a life-altering event, teaching Jen that true friendship transcends daily communication.

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Clint Eisenhower recounts a career-shifting clash with a retiring CEO, where unspoken fears about aging and relevance turned a professional transition into a personal battle. Despite feeling deceived, Clint reflects on how life changes—like retirement—can cloud judgment, and how self-awareness is key in conflict. Now, as a leader of the Forward Party, he's channeling those lessons, using civility and compassion to navigate political conflicts and build a more inclusive future. His journey from personal discord to political revolution highlights the power of addressing challenges head-on while embracing humility.

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What happens when we shift from "winning" an argument to genuinely seeking common ground?  Bryan Gentry, a strategic communications professional, made what we now calls a reckless post on social media in 2008 mocking his friend’s support for Barack Obama.  Bryan wrote the post in a aggressive, talk radio style. His friend was upset, and Bryan quickly regretted the post.  As they talked it out, Bryan learned quite a bit about himself, his relationships, and his politics.

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Randall Geddings, a therapist, shares an experience of conflict with a close friend. Rick started hanging out with someone Randall didn't trust.  When Randall expressed his feelings to Rick, their argument escalated. Randall reflects on how his calm, analytical approach to arguments clashes with those who expect emotional intensity. Ultimately, the conflict was resolved by a mutual understanding of each other's perspectives, but it also led Randall to reconsider how he navigates future disputes.

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Rachael McNamara is a health educator. She identifies as a recovering conflict avoider and has worked hard to recast relational tension. Rachael explains how several key conflicts in her life showed her that setting boundaries doesn’t end relationships - boundaries clarify, even strengthens relationships. She highlights key tactics for navigating conflict, including pausing, reframing situations, and focusing on understanding rather than winning. 

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Jamelle Bouie is a columnist at the New York Times. The way he argues in public is very different from the way he argues in his private life. 

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Barclay Murphy's husband was killed in Afghanistan in 2005. She's been arguing with the federal government about spousal death benefits ever since. 

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When Kyle Gillette, now a theater professor at Trinity University in San Antonio, was 18, he followed his dream of exploring the world of art and ideas and attended a liberal arts college. His father and stepfather thought he was making a mistake, one that would risk poverty and unpredictability.  

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