Why Does My Partner

It's our final episode of season five, and the question we’re answering today is “Wouldn’t it just be easier if we were all the same?” Okay, that’s not exactly true, but we are talking about navigating differences within your partnership, especially when kids are part of the picture. The question starts off with a disagreement about how to mark holidays and important life events, which gets us wondering about the role of ritual and tradition in each of these partner's lives growing up, and the meaning they’ve taken from that into their lives together. What are the needs each of them is expressing inside of the strategies they are disagreeing about? If we explore those needs, we can start to get at all the implicit learnings that are coming in with them, transforming the argument into a creative collaboration.

We’re so glad you’ve stuck around with us for this season of the Why Does My Partner Podcast! We’ll be back soon with more content for you, but in the meantime, if you’d like to go deeper, our upcoming workshop Integrating Mind and Heart: A Brain Savvy Workshop That Transforms Your Relationships is happening September 22-24th! It's coming up fast, but there's still time register, so check it out now at whydoesmypartner.com/events.

Quotes:

"Separate the needs that are getting met from the strategy that you’re using to meet them."

"Some things we learn about the way the world works aren’t learned like a thought, they’re learned by being emotionally known."

"The conscious brain is not the efficient brain."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

What if a relationship ending didn’t mean it was a failure? It’s our second-to-last episode of season 5. We’re answering a question that takes us inside some complicated relationship dynamics, from open relationships and polyamory to long distance and relationships with a time limit. We offer a big YOU-turn for you when you’re wondering what your partner is thinking or feeling about an issue and offer some compassion for your protective parts that want to “get you out of hard.” Finally, listen until the end to hear what each of us really thinks about open relationships. Spoiler: it’s three different things!

Quotes:

"Accepting that grief is inevitable is about saying yes to a full experience."

"What if there is no goalpost for relationship? What if it’s just being together in this moment, and then in the next one, and the next one?"

"If you’re ever wondering about your partner’s feelings, walk over to them and ask."

"The deeper you get, the more you're gonna grieve. But the alternative is saying 'no' and avoiding the whole experience."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

It’s another two-fer episode today, with a pair of questions that have to do with partners interrupting or getting annoyed when the other partner wants to talk about feelings. Plus, we’ve got WDMP producer/music therapist Al Hoberman back on as a special guest!

When is it a good time to bring up 'feelings talk' in your house? During dinner? Before bed? While watching TV? A big part of having these kinds of conversations is knowing when your partner has the capacity to be there with you. And for the listener, it’s so much easier to have capacity when you know how the speaker wants you to be there for them. That’s why we’re spending so much time in this episode on having meta conversations about how and when you and your partner can show up for each other. That means learning to balance short term tension with long term pain, separating vulnerability from shame, and learning how to be with someone’s process.

Quotes:

“That’s what happens when we bring up feelings. We go there fast.”

“Everything you put out into the world is influencing the world around you. But you still don’t actually control other people’s feelings. You really don’t.”

"The brain gauges pain differently depending on how close it is. So, it will guess that pain far away is less bad than pain close to me in time, even if that’s not actually true…. We’re misjudging the long-term cost vs. the short-term cost."

“The experience of being a listener is totally transformed when you know what the person who’s speaking wants from you. It’s so much easier to meet them there, when you know how they want to be met.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Today we have an extra special episode of Why Does My Partner, as we welcome our special guest, Al Hoberman! Besides being the sound editor and producer of WDMP, Al is a music psychotherapist in private practice. He’s joining us for this listener question, which takes us down the rabbit hole of asking “Just what is a feeling anyway? How do you know when you’re having one, and what counts as ‘talking about them?’” We get into socialized gender roles, communicating without words, learning to tolerate disagreement, and creating a pausing practice to up your self-compassion.

Plus, finally we get to talk about Jules’ new book, Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected and Empowered. Available December 1st at a book seller near you!

Quotes:

"Even when someone doesn’t know how to talk about feelings…they’re being expressed in all sorts of ways that don’t involve words.”

“Any two people don’t really speak the same language. We have to learn each other.”

"Relational health means a having a high tolerance for disagreement."

"A tolerance for some disagreement is something that we have to be in if we’re gonna be vulnerable enough to share our real selves."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

What happens inside of your relationship when things in other parts of your life start to get stressful? Maybe it feels like you have less time to dedicate to your partner, or that your energy is just completely spent after a long day, and you just don’t have it in you to be present and relational. That’s the topic of today’s question, and it takes us into a conversation all about integrated vs. unintegrated brain states, windows of tolerance, and why scheduling your spontaneity is such an important part of cherishing your relationship.

Quotes:

“If you want to treat your relationship like it matters, you have to treat it like it matters. You have to cherish the relationship."

“Okay does not mean 'It feels good.' It means 'I believe I can handle this. I trust myself.'”

“If it's not scheduled, it's not really a priority.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact.

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events.

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Congratulations! You’ve been working hard on this relationship, and it really feels like you’re getting to the next level. So why is it that everything your partner does is so darn annoying? If that’s happening for you, you’re not alone. In today’s episode, we’re discussing why we always seem to pick a partner who knows exactly how to push our buttons, and what that can tell us about our own psychological floor. Keep listening to learn about inner fix-it protectors, why we don’t believe in finding “the right one,” and how if everything your partner does annoys you, that could actually be a good sign.

Quotes:

What makes a match right is that we can do the hard stuff, not that there isn’t hard stuff.

How many of the things that irritate you about your partner line up with things that are tender from your early learnings?

One of the best things I can do for my partnership is to protect him from my fantasy.

If I’m gonna be authentic, I have to let myself be irritated.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

We talk about hurt a lot on this podcast, so much so that we released a whole mini-series called “Discord Builds Trust...No Really!” (Check it out if you haven't already!) So when this question came along, we had a lot of angles to cover. We discuss making YOU-turns on the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening, and when lashing out is really about a deep desire to connect. We also talk healthy distance, and how sometimes compassion means taking care of yourself, not sticking around for the hope of relational safety. 

The resource mentioned in this episode is the book Archaeology of the Mind by Jaak Panksepp and Lucy Biven.

Quotes:

"Compassion is care."

"If I start by meeting myself with compassion, I might be able to notice that I have some kind of resource, some kind of other option.”

"You are valuable enough to protect."

"Hope for showing up in relational health and maturity [shouldn’t] mean you're compromising your safety and deep emotional wellbeing."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

What do apes, grapes, and celery have to do with each other? They’re all on today’s episode of the WDMP podcast! Our listener question brings us to exploring what lies beneath the desire for fairness, and what’s really being communicated when one partner is feeling resentful or underserved. Topics include what it means to attack from the victim position, inherited expectations, and flinging poo. No, really!

Quotes:

"As an interdependent species, we equate fairness with justice seeking. And it’s in our wiring to feel upset…[so] when we’re in our couples and we perceive unfairness, what’s our move?"

“You get to have a pause between what you feel and what you do.”

"What is equity to you? What is fairness to you? What is justice to you? And if you get it, what needs get met for you?"

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

We’re not going to lie, today’s question hit home for a lot of us here at Why Does My Partner HQ. We’re sharing our stories of relationships where it was hard to let go as we respond to this listener, whose partner keeps breaking up with her and getting back together...now more than seven times.

There’s some big YOU-turns to be made in this story, and at the center of it all is the question, “What would happen if you said: ‘No, I don’t want this?‘” Would there be grief that you’ve been avoiding? Fear of being alone? These answers could be "yes" for either person in this story. And it could also be that there’s a process going on here, and in that back and forth, there’s some kind of learning or repair going on. So, the YOU-Turn is also about realizing that if that’s what’s happening, and it doesn’t feel okay for you, what’s the cost of letting it continue?

Quotes:

Sometimes we’re learning what love is as we go.

A lot of who I was at that young age was who I was told to be.

Clear is kind, and unclear is unkind. -Brené Brown 

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Here we are with Season 5 of the Why Doesn’t My Partner podcast! This episode is about mismatch, but don’t let the title fool you - it’s not just about sex. It’s about the discomfort of experiencing mismatch in your partnership, and the shame of wanting something that maybe somewhere in your life, you’ve learned is not okay. Starting with this You-turn, we cover topics like discovering your psychological floor, and how to notice the subtle cues that tell you you’re nearing it. How do we open up about our ingrained beliefs around what’s okay when it comes to sex? What does it mean to move from a culture of shame to a culture of pleasure?

Today’s invitation is to start building a map of your relationship to sex, sexuality, and pleasure. What are all the things you’ve learned from your family, culture, society, and your past? Next, what do you know about your own desire? About what does or doesn’t feel good to you? And how has that changed over time? Because it probably has! Once you’ve done that, take a listen to the episode for an exercise you can do with your partner to get the conversation started.

Resources mentioned today are Sex When You Don't Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell, Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, and Magnificent Sex by Peggy J. Kleinplatz and A. Dana Ménard

Quotes:

“Especially in places where we’re all the same, we stop taking risks. We stop trying to figure things out. We’re not in a place of, 'I wonder if I did it differently, what would that feel like?’”

"Your psychological floor is as unique as a fingerprint."

"It's really hard to talk about what we don't know."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind