Why Does My Partner

Can remorse be empowering? Spoilers for today’s question, which comes from a listener who finds themselves doing the comforting, when it’s their partner who was doing the apologizing. What’s up with that? Realizing that you’ve hurt someone can bring up feelings of shame and guilt, especially when it’s someone you love. But letting that shame take over can take the focus off doing the repair work you and your partner need after that hurt. We discuss where that shame comes from, and how the alternative – remorse – actually helps you get out of feeling social threat and lets you hold both you and your partner a little more tenderly.

Quotes:

"If you are out there in the world paying attention to how people feel about you, you are not weird. You are listening to the bed nucleus of your stria terminalis, which is a fancy word for the part of your brain that is paying attention to whether or not people like you enough to keep you around."

"Remorse is a gift to the other person, but...it's actually just as much a gift to you. Because doing that is so in line with your integrity, it actually buoys up your self-worth."

"When I move into remorse, I'm completely shifting the focus. I'm no longer inside of self-focus, I'm now moving into a space that's much more relationally focused."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

It’s a fun one today on the WDMP podcast as we answer a question that’s sounds at first like it’s about hobbies and taking time for things we enjoy, but really gets down to how we distribute resources in our relationship. We discuss how conflicts over fairness can come up when one or both people in a couple are feeling depleted, anxious, or envious, and how to get out of that trap. We’re talking skills like getting curious, making You-turns, and direct requests.

Quotes:

"if you're catching yourself in your partnership caught up in a fairness thing, then what does that mean to you? What is, what is it that you're, you're each seeking fairness around? And what does that fairness represent?"

 "…If you are complaining, hold on. You-turn, see if you can word that in a way that's actually request, and then check yourself. Would it be okay if I heard 'no?' If not, it's not a direct request. It's a demand disguised with a question mark."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP Podcast. Instead of a regular question, today we're answering a listener's request to talk about the dynamics between interracial couples and the conflicts that arise from their cultural differences.

We take it as an opportunity to slow down and acknowledge that there's so much that comes with this big, heavy topic. There's the weight of inherited hurt and oppression, the weight of silenced voices and marginalized bodies. Of trying to do things differently - maybe even better - than those who came before us. We discuss how this situation can be ripe for misunderstanding as each person brings generations of meaning and experience into the relationship, which could be totally different from their partners. Finally, we share an embodied practice for pausing, checking in with your inner vibrations, and letting yourself imagine what could be and being honest about what you don't know.

Quote:

“Imagination lives in that space of transformation…it invites it.”

Resources from today: The VIMBASI practice from Resmaa Menakem's The Quaking of America: an Embodied Guide to Navigating Our Nation's Upheaval and Racial Reckoning. You may also want to listen to these two episodes from Rebecca's Connectfulness Practice Podcast: Episode 30: Embodying Anti-Racism in Interracial Relationships with Francesca Maximé and Episode 46: The Impact of Racism on Relationships with Akilah Riley Richardson

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast! Here in our second episode of season 4, a listener brings us his concerns about his wife’s friendship with a lesbian coworker. We get into topics like feeling dismissed, building trust, and navigating bumpy conversations with your partner where there are lots of tender feelings on both sides. We discuss how healthy boundary-setting isn’t about controlling your partner, it’s about knowing your own limits of comfort, and talk about a way of negotiating boundaries with your partner that helps you both slow down, stay curious, and turn this conflict into an opportunity for greater intimacy. 

Quote of the day: “Can you swing in the hammock of not knowing?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

We’re back with season four and starting off with the big ones. Today’s question gets Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca asking, “what the heck does ‘relational’ even mean?” It’s a word we use all the time here on the WDMP podcast, so could it really be that you and your partner could have totally different ideas of what it means to be relational? And if that’s true, how do we turn that discovery into an opportunity to co-create our shared relational space?

In true WDMP style, the answers we explore are equal parts brain science, you-turns, and a gentle invitation into vulnerability and a deeper connection to yourself.

Quotes:

“…and then you could come together and see ‘where do our definitions of relational overlap?’ and where they don’t it gives me a map into stuff about you, and where they do, it gives us a map into how to hold us.”

“[Relationality is] really getting that I have influence and no control and living in the truth of that.”

Resources discussed in today's episiode: Dan Siegel's framework for an integrated system

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Happy Valentine's Day! Are you ready for more Why Does My Partner? More is coming soon. Season 4 drops next week. We had to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. Our hope is that at least some of you out there will make this a lover's day with yourself. Your relationship between you and you is a huge foundation for any other love relationship that you have. So even if it's only 5 minutes, send yourself a little love today. Take good care, we'll meet you back here next week.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online brain savvy workshop that transforms your relationships: Integrating Mind + Heart. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the third episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging. This episode covers the topic of sexual intimacy in relationship, if that affects how, when, or if you choose to listen we want you to know that ahead of time.

In this episode we're answering the question "Why Doesn't My Partner Want to Make Love to Me?" We're discussing rejection, expectations, and vulnerability. We're inviting listeners to wonder what happens in your body, or floating in the back of your mind, as you think about how likely it is for you to take sexual information (the gesture, the look, the initiation, etc) personally and explore what stories you are making up and loosen the grip those stories have on you so you can enter these conversations with curiosity/interest. We offer you-turns and tools to help you meet vulnerability with vulnerability.

Resources discussed in this episode: Byron Katie's 4 questions and Elyse Myers. And a book we didn't discuss but may be really helpful for listeners who want to dive deeper to explore is Sex When You Don't Feel Like It by Cyndi Darnell

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the second episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging.

In this episode we're answering the question "Why Does My Partner Look Outside for Things to Make Them Feel Good About Themself?" In answering this question we're discussing self-worth and how self-worth is buoyed up if you have an inner sense that you're not-enough. We explore the ways we may replace our absence of experiencing belonging with attempts to "fit in" and explain the difference. Belonging celebrates us for all of the different aspects of ourselves, allowing us to trust we can move through conflict and discord while honoring each other's differences. We explore a range of upside down forms of boosting one's esteem and offer our typical you-turns for listeners to explore.

Resources discussed in this episode: Kristin Neff and Pia Melody.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast and to the first episode in our Mini-Series on Choosing, Being Chosen and Belonging.

In this episode we're answering the question "Why Does My Partner Prefer to Keep the Status Quo of Distance in our Relationship?" We're talking about vulnerability, safety, and taking emotional risks without guarantee of outcome. We discuss how vulnerability is embedded in listening and receiving just as much as it is in sharing, the difference between provocative and responsible distance taking, and how to incorporate time-outs by developing a shared relational language. We also talk about a way of framing status quos. And, as usual, we share an impactful you-turn to explore.

Resource discussed in this episode: The All-Or-Nothing Marriage by Eli J Finkel

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Does your partner ever give off an energy, even without saying anything, that rubs off on you? Maybe it makes you feel like they’re mad at you, or you simply adopt the mood that they’re in. In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss the concept of “emotional contagion” and why we are affected by the unspoken moods of others, and how to navigate and communicate about this issue in your relationship with your partner.

This is our final episode of season 3, thanks for listening for 3 seasons! Stay tuned for our mini-series on worthlessness and belonging. And keep your questions coming, we’ll answer as many as we can next season. Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

Bring your partner to our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp! It's a great way to make that you-turn together. Work the boundaries and the spewing of the energy at the same time. Our next Bootcamp is October 7-9, 2022. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.