Why Does My Partner

We all want to avoid grief, but how do you handle it when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations? Do you silently resent them? Do you take the chance of making a request? Or do you grieve and accept that you’re not going to get what you wanted? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss how to look inward to identify the possible sources of our expectations in relationships as well as better ways of communicating wants and needs to our partners.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

What is it that sucks us into the ex-partner dynamic? Is it a need to be “right”? A fear of being vulnerable? Or repeating old patterns from your childhood because that’s where you are most comfortable? In this episode, Jules, Vickey, and Rebecca answer the questions: “Why does my partner keep fighting with their ex? Why is this difficult dynamic such a draw for my partner?” and “How can I help my stepchild who is being affected by their parents arguing without overstepping?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

After money, sex, kids, time and cleaning, in-laws are another topic couples most commonly fight about. “Why do you talk to your mother more than you talk to me? Your mom is in the middle of our relationship.” What could be behind this conflict? In this episode, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss the several reasons why these issues occur; cultural differences, different families’ expectations of what a family relationship should look like, differences between what your new family wants you to do vs. your family of origin, and the fear of not belonging. Explore what “belonging” can look like for each partner’s family system, how to have that conversation about what needs of yours are unmet by this situation, and learn how to use this conversation as an opportunity to deepen intimacy with your partner.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

“Why doesn't my partner validate what I'm feeling when I'm upset?”  The short answer is, because it’s really hard to do. Oftentimes in the moment, one or both of us is too upset to make a responsive choice rather than a reactionary one.  But of course there’s more to it than that.  The key is in the ask itself.  Is it a question of what is true? Or is it about being heard and understood?  How do we validate our partners without invalidating our own feelings and subjective truth?  But the magic in the ask is that often, when we are able to set aside our own upset temporarily to be there for our partner, those are the arguments that can be the most transformative in any relationship.  Listen in as Vickey, Jules and Rebecca share how this issue surfaces in their relationships and in their practices, and the wisdom they’ve gleaned from those moments.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

This week, a listener asks, “Why does my partner hate every way that I am different from them?”  Difference is what makes us human, and how we respond to difference is such an integral part of the human experience.  We experience it in our most intimate relationships–with our partners or between siblings, for example.  But it’s also at the forefront of our political climate and policy-making, culture clashes, religious wars, racism, sexism, you name it.  There is a desire for ease and harmony in the question, but also an undercurrent of grandiosity, loneliness and disconnection.  Listen in as Rebecca, Vickey and Jules tap into the many facets of this question, from the deep grief underneath to infant/mother connection to even the humor in the magical thinking.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Relationships can be hard, even healthy ones.  They take work.  So, what does it mean when one partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship and the other does? Is it a sign that they care less than the other partner?  Does it mean their efforts are being overlooked?  How much effort and energy should a relationship take anyway?  Putting forth extra effort to take a relationship to new places involves a certain amount of risk.  Because what if it isn’t reciprocated? Will one of you evolve faster than the other?  What if, after all your efforts, the relationship doesn’t change for the better?  Putting in the work can be scary.  And what’s the role of  (and the difference between) safety and complacency?  So many questions…. Jules, Vickey and Rebecca dig into all of it as a listener asks, “Why doesn’t my partner want to work on our relationship?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Have you ever been stuck in a place of indecision over what to do in a relationship?  So many of us have.  And for living in such a relational culture as we do, we aren’t offered much modeling or wise guidance.  Often, we absorb messages like “when they’re the one, you just know” and “when they’re the right person, even the hard stuff is easy.”  We beg to differ!  These adages might be true for some, but the reality is they’re just not helpful for the rest of us, or worse, they can cause us a lot of confusion, fear and pain.  We might think that by staying stuck in indecision we are avoiding trouble or repercussions that could be caused by one of two options, but actually, staying in a place of indecision is a third option and a psychological place all its own.  This week, Rebecca, Vickey and Jules explore the costs and rewards of each option, when staying in indecision is the right thing to do (yes, even indecision has its purpose!) and a couple of exercises you can try at home to glean more information to help you make a choice.

When we think of the concept of cheating, typically a sexual affair comes to mind.  But that is only one form of cheating out of a myriad of ways.  Ultimately, cheating is a betrayal, a breach of agreement.  And too often, our agreements aren’t well communicated.  The risk then is that there are differing ideas of the agreements in place–in other words, an unspoken disagreement in place, with a high chance of someone feeling betrayed sooner or later.  But sometimes, our agreements are clearly communicated and we still fall short of expectations.  It happens.  We have all done it, even if we’ve never had an affair.   So, why do we betray each other, really?  What do we need to do as the betrayer, and as the betrayed?  Is it possible to bounce back from this?  Or are we at a point of no return?  This week’s conversation is a tender one.  If you’ve ever experienced an affair or deep betrayal, regardless of what side you were on, we are holding your pain with you.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

We all have had the experience of being corrected by someone else.  Often, it doesn’t feel so great.  It can make us wonder what’s inherently wrong with us or why they can’t just let us own our thoughts and feelings.  It’s also very likely that we’ve been the one correcting another before and might not have even noticed that we’d done it.  Why do we correct others?  And what are we to do with their correction when someone puts it on us?  Turns out, there’s quite an array of reasons why we might correct someone we care about. And, there’s a simple step-by-step we can take when we’re being corrected that will get us more of what we actually want. Though “simple” doesn’t necessarily mean easy, if it feels awkward, you’re on the right track!  Jules, Vickey and Rebecca walk us through it in this week’s episode.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Last week, in this miniseries on shutdowns, we talked about shutting down in the middle of an argument. This week, we’re talking about shutting down from a slightly different angle: When one of us in the relationship is having big, vulnerable feelings. It can feel scary or vulnerable to express a need or emotion we have, even outside of conflict. So, let’s dig deeper.  In this episode, we discuss some differences in why you might shut down when you have big feelings versus why you might shut down when your partner has big feelings, and what these look and feel like internally versus externally. And when our partner shuts down and feels unavailable to us during our big feelings, our brains make up stories about why it's happening.  Curiosity and slowing down are the keys to moving through these moments–because often our stories are just that–the crux of moving past our shutdowns is in examining the stories we make up in our heads when they happen. The stories we make up in our heads about why our partner is shutting down and what happens when our story is proven right.  

That wraps up our shut down mini-series. We'll be back soon with season 3.



Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.