Why Does My Partner

This week, a listener asks, “When we fight, why does my partner think I’m useless, no good, unhealthy?”  When you and your partner fight, you might have your own list of adjectives that come to mind. Whatever they are, the answer to this question applies to all of them.  The response is hefty but so worth it, because when we are able to upend this with a new skill, the results are so incredibly profound.  Rebecca, Vickey and Jules explain a bit of the brain science behind our Core Negative Images of our partners and how our implicit memory system informs our responses in heated moments like these.  They discuss what we can do as couples to disconfirm those implicit memories, so that we can not only repair the relationship, but also heal the wounds of our past inside the container of our current relationship.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

We’ve all likely said something hurtful out of anger to someone we love at some point in our lives.  There’s a slew of reasons why we do it, but “because it’s the truth” is only sometimes one of them.  Being on the receiving end of a hurtful comment, the sting can make it hard to respond well.  But if we can pause just enough before responding to check in on our psychological boundaries, then we can filter what’s true and about us from what’s not true and about them.  We can set limits when appropriate.  We can be curious about what this new information—whether true or untrue—tells us about our relationship and our partner.  And because we love them, we can offer them an invitation to connect rather than deepening the divide.

This week, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey discuss the various reasons why someone we love might say something hurtful to us, how we use our healthy psychological and relational boundaries in instances like these, and what implementing boundaries in a meta conversation actually sounds like. (Hint: It’s not “You can’t talk to me like that!)

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

We believe everyone who's ever been in a relationship has experienced this question! Maybe it's a lack of observation about the dynamics between you. Maybe they do know, but you don't know that they know. Really though, it’s probably just that you have different connection styles and haven't yet decoded the different ways each of you experience what connection is. Jules takes us deep into brain science to help us understand how our history-colored glasses affect our experiences of what connection is. And once again, we're encouraging you to have meta-conversations. Observe what connection feels like to each of you. And share that map with one another so you can navigate your differences. This really is an exploration of how you both experience the world differently. This practice of observing your own mind is the key to being in healthy relationships, especially under varying degrees of stress when you have to have enough safety for your brain to stay integrated.

And we also talk about what we’re actually looking for when we talk about connection: relational joy. When you dare to rock the boat with your partner, maybe you’re actually seeking a conversation about how you're co-creating moments of relational joy! Take note of what’s working that you want more of and how you're both going to make more of those moments happen.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

When it comes to the topic of interjecting or cutting someone off in a conversation, we all know which side we tend to fall on.  Some of us are serial cutter-offers.  Some of us are the ones getting cut off.  For those in the latter group, it can be incredibly frustrating at times.  We might feel like we aren’t being listened to or that we are being dismissed.  But for those doing the cutting off…  Well, there’s not always a clear simple reason for why they do it.  In fact, there are a lot of reasons why someone might be cutting you off ranging from the neurological to the cultural, and some of these reasons can sound contradictory.  So how do we really know what’s going on and what can we do about it?  In this episode, Rebecca, Jules and Vickey talk about all the reasons why someone might cut another person off in conversation, even if—or especially when—they really care about what’s being said and offer some thoughts on how to shift behaviors for better conversations.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

This week’s question “Why does my partner refuse to apologize?” is a big one.  Partly because we’ve all found ourselves in the position of not wanting or outright refusing to apologize to someone.  We’ve all been that person, probably more than once.  And we’ve all been the person on the receiving end of an apology—or the absence of an apology.  We’ve felt that vulnerability in calling attention to our hurt, and hopefully, we’ve all experienced the repair and connection from an apology well-stated.  So, why is such a basic, everyday thing so complicated and infrequent in practice?  And why is an effective apology so hard to do in real life?

Jules, Vickey and Rebecca really break this down, touching on why apologies are so hard both personally and culturally, why they are so vital and world-changing, and also giving each of us a roadmap for how to apologize and receive an apology well.  None of us will get it right every time, but it’s the intent and effort that matters most.  As they say in this episode, “Apologies are master level”, so you might want to bookmark this one to return to again and again.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Why is it so hard to see when we are being hypocritical about something?  Some say that humans are contradictory by nature, so perhaps we are all hypocritical from time to time.  It’s just hard to see outside of our personal vantage point.  It takes a little imagination, curiosity and maybe even a little effort toward trying a different approach.  And when we are calling out the hypocrisy in one another, we need to understand what the desire underneath it is.  Ultimately, if both sides can drop the defensiveness, the conversation transforms.  Listen in as Jules, Vickey and Rebecca discuss how both partners can shift the dynamic.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Sometimes in a relationship, one of us thinks we need to fix the other.  There are a few moving parts here.  In terms of social conditioning, often women learn that this is how they get what they need in a relationship.  But it’s not always or only that.  There’s also a piece around how we deal with trauma and a piece around the partner’s response to being fixed.  What often lies underneath is a feeling of “What does he/she think is wrong with me?”  If this rings true in your relationship, Vickey, Jules and Rebecca are ready with a u-turn and a meta-conversation for you to try.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

This week, find out what we mean when we say sometimes you just “can’t magic the milk”.  Comfort means different things to different people.  In this episode, we discuss the many nuanced reasons why we might not get what we need when we are stressed and in need of comfort and what we’ve come to expect from others in those moments.  There’s a bit of attachment theory in here, but forget what you think you know about attachment theory.  We’re breaking it down into easily digestible terms and reflect on the ways in which our expectations shift depending on the situation or the relationship involved.  Jules even throws in an exercise you can try (even if you’re currently not in a relationship) to practice unlearning your unique pockets of insecure attachment acquired over the years.  Practicing curiosity and giving grace is key here.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

This week, Jules, Vickey and Rebecca talk about what’s really going on when we or our partners can’t admit wrongdoing.  It turns out that we all have unique, complex personal histories with what happens when someone admits they made a mistake and why we might refuse or withhold that admission.  This succinct yet powerful conversation offers a U-turn for both parties in a relationship that can shift the trajectory of the disagreement toward connection and safety, while ultimately asking the question, “Is forgiveness possible if we don’t agree that you were wrong?”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

What is sex about?  What is it for?  Many things, of course—pleasure and connection just being two of them.  So what happens when there is an expectation or a mismatch in preferences?  Can we talk about it with openness and curiosity? Or do we get pouty, irritable or retaliatory?  It is inevitable that there will be times when our partners want sex when we are not in the mood or vice versa.  When that happens, it is important to make the distinction that this rejection is not a rejection of the person.  It’s just not what feels right in this particular moment.  But in order to do that, there is a lot of checking in with self and sometimes fun, sometimes awkward conversations with your partner that need to happen.  Regardless of what it is you want--more, less, or different--this is the way to get it.  That’s what Jules, Vickey and Rebecca are talking about this week on the podcast.  

If you’re interested in diving deeper, listen to Rebecca’s interview with Emily Nagoski over on the Connectfulness Practice podcast at: https://connectfulness-practice.captivate.fm/episode/how-stress-affects-sex-with-emily-nagoski

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider registering for our online Essential Skills Relationship Bootcamp. Open to individuals, couples and therapists. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.