Ok, so maybe we’ve convinced you that Discord Builds Trust (No Really!). You’re on board, you’re practicing sitting with your learned beliefs, and you're cultivating curiosity. Now the moment arrives. There’s disconnect, hurt, something went wrong. What do you do? How do you get out of this place and into the trust (no…really!)

On today’s episode of our mini-series, the question is "Why does my partner want me to just get over the hurt?" We start off flipping the question on its head and pointing out some unspoken feelings inside of that question, which takes us into picking apart the difference between toxic shame and remorse. Finally, we share some strategies for getting out of that shame pit and into a more relational space, ready for repair.

Check out this framework for apology and accountability from Mia Mingus, which we reference in today’s episode.

Quotes:

"Hurt is not a bug in relationships. Hurt is a feature in relationships."

"Remorse is a trust builder."

“If you feel bad about having a painful impact, that says something really good about your heart."

"Accountability is not just about apologizing; it's about understanding the impact that your actions have caused on both yourself and others."

"Be curious about what would help you move from this disrepair back into connection right now. Right now, not every single time this might come up in the future. Right this second."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Hello and welcome to episode two of our mini-series, Discord Builds Trust…No Really!

It’s such a natural, human thing to want to avoid conflict. We all do it! But when we do, we’re missing the chance to have a new experience of trying something hard with someone we love, and finding out that we can do it. That’s why we call it earning trust.

Our bodies and our brains are primed to remember past struggles and do everything they can to protect us by avoiding the same thing happening again. That doesn’t just apply to our own lived experiences, but also to the generations of learning that have been passed down to us from our ancestors. They teach us that certain things aren’t ok to bring up, are dangerous to even think or feel. That’s what Resmaa Menakem is talking about when he says, “Trauma decontextualized in a people over time can look like culture.”

In this series, we’re inviting you to become more aware of these learned beliefs and to sit with them with compassion and kindness. When you do, you have a golden opportunity to blend that learning with other parts of your brain that can take in the world around you as it’s happening right now.

You may want to try this exercise from Dan Siegel, which we share in today’s episode. It’s an acronym called BASIC: Behavior, Affect, Sensation, Image, Cognition. Take it one piece at a time, in any order, asking yourself the questions and observing with curiosity and kindness:

Behavior: What am I doing right now? Is my body being pulled to move, or not move in some way?

Affect: What am I feeling? Can I notice it and give it a name?

Sensation: What are my five senses taking in, and what am I feeling in my body?

Image: what images come to mind when I sit in this place? Pictures? Sense memories?

Cognition: What thoughts am I having? What meaning am I making up about what’s going on inside and around me right now?

Quotes:

“Trust is not built in moments that are going well. Trust is not built in safety moments.”

"You need to rumble in order to earn trust."

"What do our histories know about conflict?"

“…[fighting about] something that feels like it should be pretty benign…the process underneath it is ‘we don’t know how to do conflict. I don’t know how to tolerate that we might really see things differently.”

“If I come at myself harshly, I’m going to run away from myself. If I come at myself with kindness and curiosity, that might just shift that I know I can do this. And if I know that I can do this, then I can bring it to you.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

We’re back, dear listeners, as promised with a bonus mini-series: Discord Builds Trust…No Really!

Really, it does! We’re not kidding with you on this one. So then why are we sometimes more comfortable with superficial, surface level topics? We’re opening up this conversation by acknowledging that intimacy is hard, and vulnerability can be scary, and wait – just what is a surface level topic, anyway? The truth is, if you’re feeling like there’s a mismatch between you and your partner on how deeply you’re connecting, there’s a lot of reasons why that could be the case. How are you each defining surface versus depth? How were they treated in your respective families of origin? What else might be going on in your lives that might be affecting your capacity for going deep at this moment?

When we start asking ourselves and our partners these questions, we’re facing the truth that mismatch is inevitable. What feels comforting and close to you might feel invasive and controlling to your partner, and what is light and playful to them could feel superficial or avoiding to you. In these moments of discord, when our visions of what we want our relationships to look like come into conflict with who our partners really are, that’s when we can put aside our agendas and approach the conversation with curiosity and connection, with a real desire to learn something new about our partners and offer them the opportunity to learn something about us, too.

Quotes:

“Everybody has a different magical want.”

"For some people, depth brings comfort and safety. And for others, surface or play.”

"Go ahead and feel into these moments of mismatch. And then lean into navigating them together.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Hello dear listeners! We're popping into your podcast feed today to let you know that our next Bonus Mini Series, Discord Builds Trust...No Really! will be launching on June 13, 2023! To get things going, we're sharing a message from one of you, following up on the question they asked in Season 4. Thank you so much to that couple for sharing their story, and thank you to all of you for listening. See you all again in a few weeks!

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Here it is folks, our last episode of season 4! Today’s conversation sums up so much of what we’ve been talking about this season, from slowing down and having the tough conversations, to building trust, to what does it really mean to practice boundaries, anyway?

As we discuss this listener’s question, we’re thinking about how people exist together as part of interconnected systems. When one part of the system changes, it resonates in the whole web, and inevitably creates change. In relationships, that means that when your partner senses you making changes in yourself, they’ll respond in some way, whether they’re aware of it or not. It could be an uncomfortable change for them at first, and all that newness may make them look for how to get back to status quo. But it also could be that, with enough time and space, there’s an opportunity for a new balance to emerge.

So what does that have to do with boundaries? It's all about recognizing that we really only have a say over our part of the web. From that place, we can decide how we’re going to react when things happen to us that don’t feel good, but ultimately, we can’t control how that’s going to resonate with our partner. What we can do is slow down and tend to ourselves so we can show up to talk about it with our partner with relational presence, feeling connected and protected.

Thank you so much for being with us for yet another season of WDMP! You may have noticed that we’ve switched to a 10-episode-per-season format, which will allow us to emphasize and elongate our miniseries with a bit more consciousness. So look forward to our next bonus miniseries coming soon, followed by another 10-episode season later in the year.

Until then, stay protected and connected.

Quotes:

"Change is one of these amazing things that, when it happens, can really begin to transform a relationship. And it is one of the places that folks get really stuck."

"If we make a request, then we're asking for a behavior change. If we make a boundary... a boundary isn't about what somebody else is gonna do. It's about what you're gonna do in response to how someone else is."

"How do you tend to yourself in a way that takes good care of you so that you could really show up in some kind of relational presence, feeling connected and protected, feeling that you are able to really be alive with each other?"

"We’re bound to get off course. It’s bound not to be perfect. Everybody gets lost on the mountain sometimes. Where you grow the trust though, is not in it never happening, but…in when it happens. What I trust is that we can do this together. We can do hard things, we can figure this out, we can get through it."

Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously  - Prentis Hemphill

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Mentioned in this episode:

WDMP Integrating Heart+Mind

Welcome back to the WDMP Podcast. Today’s question leads us into exploring what we each understand sexual intimacy to mean, and what we can do if that understanding doesn't seem to line up with our partner’s. We’re encouraging you, dear listeners, to start to learn about and understand your own sexual templates: what are your likes and dislikes, what are some of the beliefs you have about what those preferences mean, and what in your history has led you there? When you and your partner each engage in that personal work, then there’s an opportunity to talk to each other, confront the projections that might be going on, and come to a place of greater intimacy and understanding.

Quotes:

"There's a huge range of how we express ourselves and how we embody ourselves sexually."

"Foreplay begins 48 hours before you're intimate with each other."

"We're sold this lie, through Hollywood and everything else, that there's something about sex that's supposed to be natural, and we're all supposed to get it."

"We're basically looking at two things when we talk about sex. We're looking at, where's the arousal, where's the gas? And where's the brakes?"

A great resource for working through discovering your own sexual template is Sex When You Don't Feel Like It: The Truth about Mismatched Libido and Rediscovering Desire by Cyndi Darnell.

 You can also listen to Cyndi's interview with Rebecca on our sister podcast here: Connectfulness S3E42: The Truth About Mismatched Libido & Desire with Cyndi Darnell.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast. Today’s listener question asks about a partner who says there’s nothing wrong, but the asker is worried he’s holding back. We take this into a discussion about trust, and how embracing discord gives you an opportunity to strengthen a relationship. We cover what it means to repair after discord, what the research is telling us about conflict and repair, and how often we can really expect that repair to happen…at least in the way we were expecting it.

Today’s Resource is The Power of Discord by Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold

Quotes:

“Trust is built through discord and repair.”

“The thing that’s needed is the attempt towards repair.… It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Would you know everything about your partner? Like, really, really everything? There’s a delicate balance in every relationship between the intimacy of knowing each other deeply and keeping the magic alive with a bit of mystery. In today’s episode, we get into how intimacy comes from knowing a lot about our partner, which makes us feel safe, while mystery – leaving some things unknown – brings the thrill of discovery, intrigue, and passion. Too much safety, and you might not have enough passion, but too much mystery can lead to feeling unsafe and insecure. That’s where we find today’s question asker, who wonders what’s going on when their partner seems to disappear into his inner world, leaving them behind. We discuss some of the possible obstacles to sharing and get into what it actually means to pay attention to your own internal experience. Finally, we finish up with an offer for you to get curious and open up a conversation with your partner that invites closeness and discovery.

For those wanting to learn more about mystery and intimacy in relationships, here’s Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, as well as her Ted Talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship”

Quotes:

“It’s the distance and the spice…the stuff that makes it hot - that’s the mystery.”

“When we're making invitations, they can't be demands.”

"From a partner to a partner, if you start a question with a 'why,' it's a good way to bring up defense."

“How close would you like to be to your partner? Do you wonder what their experience is like?”

"Your brain can watch your own mind."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Welcome back to the WDMP podcast! Rebecca is bringing the question today so that we can go deeper on the language of “power over, power under, and power with.”

We live in such a hierarchical, win-or-lose society, it's no wonder that we learn to think of power as a zero-sum game, where we compete for who has more control, more influence, more freedom to act. But when we learn to switch to power-with thinking, where power is an abundant, shared resource, all of a sudden it’s a lot more messy, a lot less black and white, but there’s room for everyone’s voice to matter, and to have something important to say.

So how do you bring this power-with viewpoint into your relationship? You guessed it, it’s about vulnerability. We’re inviting you to let go a little bit of your fear of losing power, and trust that when you empower others, it empowers you too.

Resources from this episode:

All About Love: New Visions by bell hooks

Brené Brown's TED Talk, the Power of Vulnerability

Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World by Tyson Yunkaporta

Quotes:

“The truth is power is abundant. And it can be shared and there's no reason it can't be.”

“Power-with tends towards messier conversations with less clear outcomes. Because we tend to be a little less black and white when we’re in that space. I want more of your voice in, but I want more of my voice in too, and our voices aren’t the same.”

“If [power] is finite, then it inherently ends up leading to violence, psychological and/or physical. And so if we want to be part of lessening violence in the world, shifting this thinking is really helpful.”

“The longing is to figure out power-with. But we don't even get that, oh wait, you have to change how you think about power, period. And that if you want equality, the messy gray has to be more present in your partnership.”

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.

Can remorse be empowering? Spoilers for today’s question, which comes from a listener who finds themselves doing the comforting, when it’s their partner who was doing the apologizing. What’s up with that? Realizing that you’ve hurt someone can bring up feelings of shame and guilt, especially when it’s someone you love. But letting that shame take over can take the focus off doing the repair work you and your partner need after that hurt. We discuss where that shame comes from, and how the alternative – remorse – actually helps you get out of feeling social threat and lets you hold both you and your partner a little more tenderly.

Quotes:

"If you are out there in the world paying attention to how people feel about you, you are not weird. You are listening to the bed nucleus of your stria terminalis, which is a fancy word for the part of your brain that is paying attention to whether or not people like you enough to keep you around."

"Remorse is a gift to the other person, but...it's actually just as much a gift to you. Because doing that is so in line with your integrity, it actually buoys up your self-worth."

"When I move into remorse, I'm completely shifting the focus. I'm no longer inside of self-focus, I'm now moving into a space that's much more relationally focused."

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.