You Guys are No Fun

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I’ll write a summary later. My cat is missing and I’m not in a good mood. -C

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Welcome to Episode 89+1! Mass Effect Andromeda! This latest installation in the Mass Effect series, much like the cheese, stands alone. With an all new line-up of characters, plot points, and sex scenes, you could easily get away with skipping the first 3. As Scott or Sara Ryder, you lead the mission to colonize Andromeda, the Milky Way’s closest neighboring galaxy. Slip into your sexiest space suit and come on a journey of self discovery with the Casual Cowards.

To kick-off the show, we imagine a perfect world. A world where skating rinks and stripclubs co-exist under one roof. We also discuss the popular book Taking Over Your Own Third World Country For Dummies along with why Charles is so tickled with Ghost Recon: Wildlands. He also teaches us about bacon jam, the magical, spreadable, delectable, delight that’s sweeping the nation. Finally, Chester tells us why he is pleasantly surprised by the Assassin’s Creed Chronicles series.

In this episode’s news section, we cover the digital market’s continuing take over of the video game industry, which is really just another excuse for Chester to tell GameStop to eat a dick (or three). Fuck GameStop. We also get sidetracked sharing our own personal May the 4th stories. We discuss Steam’s new game gifting policy, the NBA’s new eSports league, and Blizzard’s source code blunder. To wrap things up, we talk about Bethesda’s bullying of smaller developers when it comes to securing a trademark of the word “prey”. We hope that news of this dirty tactic hurts their sales, and look forward to giving our money and full support to the indy developer No Matter Studios and their upcoming title Praey for the Gods.

Finally, the meat and potatoes! We spend a good chunk of time talking about this wonderful new title from Bioware Austin. Doing a decent job of avoiding spoilers, Charles and Rian tell Chester why this game kicks so much ass. Seriously, Chester wasn’t even planning on playing this game but now he’s thinking about it. This sequel is set 600 years after the events in the original trilogy, which have nothing to do with the events in this installment. We’ll discuss resource gathering, sex scenes, and in true Casual Coward fashion – we’ll go off on some pretty wild tangents. I don’t want to give too much away, but Chester describes a pretty wild fantasy involving Arnold Schwarzenegger and the Predator. You won’t be able to un-hear this shit, but if I know you – you won’t want to.

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This week’s Game of the Week is Watch Dogs 2! But before we get into that, we discuss the real issues. Important issues like why we always hurt the ones we love, cats getting hit by cars, and Chester’s past lives. Heavy stuff, there, man. We also share our plans for this year’s Phoenix Comicon. Don’t miss it!

In our bi-weekly recap of our personal lives, Chester confesses his tendency towards kleptomania in The Elder Scrolls Online. He also brags about renting an entire theater just so he can watch The Lego Batman Movie all by himself (you’re right to be envious, peasants!). Charles is tight-lipped about his ongoing love of Mass Effect: Andromeda (we don’t want to give too much away before our next episode!). And finally, Rian tries not to bore us with too many details about his life (and fails miserably!).

Thanks to a new mod that allows cheaters to steal money from other players, GTAV Online is about to lose 90% of their legitimate players. GameStop allowed their customer’s credit card numbers to be leaked. Not just the numbers, though, we’re talking CCV’s, expiration dates, billing addresses, you name it. Naturally, this news gives us a little of the old schadenfreude – joy derived from another’s pain – because we hate GameStop. I mean, we really hate GameStop. Fuck GameStop.

We also discuss the future (continued?) exploitation of gamers with the news that the University of Utah is now offering scholarships for various eSports, starting with League of Legends. We can’t wait for EA Sports to release their own version of eSports games with the highly anticipated Manager Mode! Finally, Nintendo announces the death of the NES Classic Console and we discuss likely reasons for this shitty decision.

In this sequel to Ubisoft’s 2014 flop, you play as Marcus Halloway, the hip young hacker with the heart of gold. Using nothing but a smart phone, your wits, and a 3D printer that prints any gun you want, you’ll take down the corporate tech giant known as Blume by getting likes. Listen in while we air our grievances – assuming you can make it through the first hour!

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Charles is back!  From the future!  And he brought a lot of energy back with him that he unleashes on the most exciting intro to date!  We hit the ground running this week when we envision the combination of two of our least favorite things: The movie Speed, and rape. Then Charles shares his Mass Effect: Andromeda woes when we find out what he’s been up to the last 4 weeks.  Rian reveals his new found status as a leet haXXor and his fears concerning the new GTAV banning practices.  Finally, Chester criticizes the critics, but he ain’t mad at them.  Haters gotta hate.  It’s their job.

This week in gaming news we read the letter than PETA sent to Nintendo regarding their cow milking simulator in the new 1-2 Switch.  Naturally, this leads Rian to share a very graphic description of how cows are inseminated on dairy farms.  Let’s just say it involves a handful of semen and leave it that, shall we?  (Of course we won’t. Where’s the fun in that?)  The only question now is, of course, will Nintendo rise to the challenge?  Are they brave enough to produce a realistic dairy farm simulator?  Probably not – it’d be a total waste of money.  Also, Palmer Luckey, co-creator of the Occulus Rift, was asked to leave Facebook for being a Drumpf supporting biggot.  If you ask me, Facebook is a perfect fit for someone like that.  And on a sadder note, video game console peripheral giant MadCatz has gone bankrupt.

Released in 2014 by Irrational Games, BioShock Infinite has everything. From inter-dimensional portals to super powers, and gospel music to overt racism.  It truly has it all.  The game is not all sunshine and rainbows, however, there’s also some things we didn’t like. So grab an orange out of the trash, sit back, and enjoy!

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Charles is out again this week, but since Chester is afraid to be alone with Rian we invited our good friend Kris back into the studio to talk about Super Metroid!  Before we rocket back to Zebes, however, we’ll hear all about Rian’s terrible week as well as his wonderful St. Paddy’s day adventures.  Chester gives a quick review of Iron Fist, Logan, Kong, and Power Rangers.  And, Kris tells us about the joy of wearing women’s clothing in the new Zelda game.  Also, our friend John popped by the studio to tell us why he prefers strip clubs to casinos.

In other news, we discuss the fact that the creator of The Witcher – Polish author Andrzej Sapkowski – is a bit of a prick.  We also take credit for the closing of approximately 150 GameStop locations (you’re welcome!).  Chester rages about the Senate’s bill to allow ISPs to sell your personal information without your permission.  And finally, Rian reveals his plans to run for office!  Which office?  Tune in to find out!

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) put in place critical broadband privacy protection rules late last year to protect your right to privacy online. Now, some members of Congress are looking to completely erase those rules and let your Internet service provider sell information about what you look at, what you purchase, and who you talk to online.

But those members of Congress aren’t looking to just undo the current rules. The method they would use—passing a Congressional Review Act (CRA) resolution to repeal current FCC rules—would effectively permanently ban the FCC from ever writing new privacy rules. Because of the current legal landscape, the Federal Trade Commission is already barred from policing Internet service providers. If Congress repeals the FCC rules, there will be no federal cop on the beat for Internet privacy.

I will provide links to useful information and resources at the bottom.

Lastly, we give praise to the SNES classic, Super Metroid.

Sub-Reddit devoted to keeping our internet privacy private

Webpage with your Representative’s phone number and a short script to read

House.gov – Locate your Representative and find their contact information

A pre-formatted letter to your Representative

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Charles is out celebrating his birthday this week, but fear not!  We wouldn’t dream of subjecting your supple young minds to another episode with just Rian and Chester!  Not again!  Instead we brought in locally based video game reporting guru, Marc Villa, Editor-in-Chief of PlayStationInsider.com.

As per usual we kick things off by talking about what we’ve been up to.  Chester talks about his recent discovery of the 8-bit series.  A collection of wonderfully crafted tributes to some of the 90’s best real time strategy games.  Speaking of the 90’s: the boys reminisce about their old friend Vincent Time Machine.  We can’t help but wonder what he’s up to these days.  Chester then tries to share his enthusiasm for the new Keanu Reeves vehicle, John Wick 2, without revealing too much about the movie.  It’s not easy to do.  Rian and Chester also discuss their adventures in Viscera Cleanup Detail and Conan: Exiles.

After Chester talks about himself for 15 minutes, we get to learn all about our new friend Marc, the proprietor of PlayStationInsider.com!  He reveals his plans to let the website – his pride and joy – fade away into obscurity.  Left by the side of the road like the dehydrated, desert cooked, flattened corpse of a careless coyote.  Why?  So he can return to his roots as a simple migrant worker, drifting from town to town, going wherever the work is (which happens to be DualShockers.com right now).

The next part came as a total surprise to Rian and Chester, both of whom have expressed quite a bit of disdain for a certain Japanese game developer.  I believe they’ve even gone so far as to tell the company to eat 4 or 5 dicks, all in one sitting!  The last thing they expected was to be playing with a brand new Nintendo Switch.  And less than 24 hours after the system’s launch!  Marc was gracious enough to bring his in after he “inherited” an acquaintance’s pre-order from another company that the Cowards aren’t so wild about – GameStop.  Okay, so nobodies perfect… get off of Marc’s back… it’s probably slippery, anyways.

Next, Marc tells us all about the new Zelda title, Breath of the Wild.  The internet is going fucking crazy over this game, which for some reason contains some Nintendo Switch product placement.  It’s so meta…. (gag).  He also gives Rian some suggestions on which PS4 games to play.

Finally, Marc talks about his experience as a video game reporter and gives some much needed advice to Rian and Chester.

Today’s guest is Marc Villa, Editor-in-Chief of PlayStation Insider and a staff writer for Dual Shockers

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The live stream is back!  Back again!  Tell a friend!  Now all of you lucky bastards get to watch us ugly bastards get drunk instead of just listening to it!  Guess what else is back!  Grand Masta C is back!  Back again!  Tell a friend!  Also, Tomb Raider has made a come back (not to our show, just you know… rebooted)!  Back again!  Tell a friend!

But first – we shamelessly self promote.  Someone has to promote our show, and it might as well be us.  Honestly, why would anyone else do it?  It’s not their show.  If you’re curious about all of the fun ways to follow us just look at the top of this page!  Links abound!  We’ll also answer our first fan question in a very, very, long time.  Thanks to K Sinner for sparking a great conversation about our favorite fighting games!  And, if seeing Chester’s fat ass with a man-bun isn’t depressing enough – you can now literally watch his hair (and his waist line) grow – directly from our website!

In our ego-stroking segment Rian backslides into Assassin’s Creed Unity and offends the entire continent of Asia.  Chester chronicles his decent into MOBA madness.  Charles shares his love of John Wick Chapter 2 – which leads to a great Knock Knock joke.  And, finally, our guest Grand Masta C tells us all about Emo Road Trip Simulator (Final Fantasy XV).

We’ll discuss our theories as to why Nintendo has already thrown in the towel on the NES Mini and the announcement of a Season Pass for the new Zelda game’s DLC.  Naturally this news only serves to stoke the flames of our ever growing outrage with the Japan based company.  Pewdiepie get’s some much deserved hate, and – to balance the scales – we give the Jews some much deserved love.  The Eat-a-Dick scale makes a comeback and we bestow a gift upon the world: The Foreskin Advent Calendar. You’re welcome, world.

Now, before you give up on humanity and decide to end it all in a blaze of glory like our old friend, the lovable scamp John Marston, check this out!  Red Dead Redemption 2 is now available for pre-order on Amazon!  Fuck yes!  Faith restored!  Normally we are 100% against pre-ordering games, but Rockstar has never done us dirty.  We’ll be pre-ordering with twice the satisfaction because:

In our conversation about the Lara Croft reboot, simply titled Tomb Raider, we celebrate Crystal Dynamics’ modern portrayal of everyone’s favorite video game heroine.  Setting aside (most of) the old familiar staples to the series – the tiny outfit, over-exaggerated female anatomy, dual wielded pistols – was a great move.  Having said that – we’ve lovingly nicknamed this game The Lara Croft Death Simulator.  There’s like 27,000 (I’m exaggerating) different death animations. I’m not even exaggerating!

Grand Masta C shares his theory about Lara Croft’s multiple timelines.  You’ll definitely want to stick around for this part.  It involves a slutty mother, step-father molestation, and finally, a showdown between Lara and her dissociative identity.  Seriously folks, you can’t make this shit up.  Unless you’re Grand Masta C, then you can.

At one point we actually discuss some of the game’s dynamics, like the addition of Eagle Vision and a Hook Shot.  Naturally, this leads to the obvious comparison between Lara Croft and John Rambo.  To wrap things up we talk about the (not) much needed upcoming reboot to the Tomb Raider movie franchise.  We can’t wait to see how twisted Walton Goggins‘ portrayal of the villain will be.  That guy just always looks super cray all the time.

You might have to break this one up into several sessions because it’s a long one, and don’t forget to order your Pink Himalayan Rock Salt from Amazon. It’s Episode 85!

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