Your Confident Self

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. Why should we only focus on all that we have to be thankful for in November, during traditional Thanksgiving celebrations? I am absolutely all about Thanksgiving in April this year! That’s right, all those turkeys and honey-baked hams should be very, very afraid.

I have been obsessed recently with how to help all of us battle fear more effectively and one thing I know is that gratitude is an awesome tool for fighting fear. How can you be full of fear when you are too busy being grateful?

Let me step back for a moment and explain two things, 1) why I am all about gratitude and 2) where on earth I have been for the past month or so.

Show notes are available at allegrasinclair.com/013

An amazing red bra will change your life. I apologize, I have been holding out on you. Can we talk?! We have already talked about the fact that we can be our own best cheerleader by being careful about what we say to ourselves and recognizing all our gifts.

However, there is another tool in our confidence toolbox that I don’t want us to overlook. Come closer, it’s a secret…

I’m talking about your underwear! I’m not talking about just any old lingerie, I’m talking about that particular bra that changes your whole attitude the minute you put it on. It may be black or it may be leopard, or anything in between. But I know how a red bra can change your life.

Show notes are available at allegrasinclair.com/012

In this episode of the podcast I look at the insidious influence of comparison. You can be honest, do you sometimes find yourself comparing your life to that of others? If you do, I am betting that does not make you feel all warm and fuzzy, and it definitely doesn't lead to your most powerful days. Comparison is the thief of joy.

If you stop comparing you can learn to LOVE your life. Women are bombarded daily with images of the lives of the rich and infamous and there are endless opportunities for us to look at how others live, work, dress, dance, etc. So this concept of not comparing isn't going to happen without your decision and intention. Here are some ideas for getting this thief under control.

Show notes are available at allegrasinclair.com/011

My grandmother used to call me Madame Butterfly and I loved it. My 7-year old mind understood that butterflies were pretty and could fly, and that was all I needed to know. Let's fast forward--later in life, I learned she called me that because she just never knew what I might do next. I have heard she told people that I "flitted from one thing to another looking pretty" but not accomplishing a lot. Dang, really?!

That is not powerful at all. (Thank goodness she was wrong!) That puts a whole different spin on butterflies. So now I know, butterflies are beautiful but I shouldn't be one. I admit that I would often fall in love with projects and could think of nothing else for serious spurts of time. But then I would get bored and move onto a new project. Flitting from one thing to another? I don't think so, I was simply using my powers of elimination and discernment to figure out what I did NOT want to do. AND I was a child so, no harm, no foul.

There is a business term, '3-day monk', which reminds me of my grandmother's assessment of my view of the world. That term is used to describe someone who gets obsessed with something in spurts, but quickly loses interest. See why it sounded familiar? Examples of these obsessions could include a new blog, a new business idea, a new way of eating, or (grab your panties!) a new relationship. Is that ringing any bells for you? This monk thing is characterized by lots of early interest with little to no results.

Until we are willing to acknowledge what we do, we have no power to choose or change our behavior.

— Iyanla Vanzant (@IyanlaVanzant) January 12, 2014

The bad news is that you cannot achieve success by flitting from one thing to another. Even if you look sugar-sharp while doing the flitting! You cannot have a measurable impact on your world if you lose focus before your work can be completed. You can't improve your health by eating veggies for only 5 days. And you can't draw your audience to you in 30 days. Nope and nope.

The good news is that you can STOP being a 3-day monk and capture your butterfly. If you want to increase your influence and make meaningful progress on your goals, you have to show up every day. You don't have to invest 18 hours each day, but you need to act intentionally and consistently until your work is completed.

Work Every Day. Create a plan to invest time on your new focus every day. If you don't plan the time to work on your project, there will never be enough time in a day. It takes at least 21 days to develop a new habit to replace an old one. Doing 'something' each day will help you maintain focus and cement your new habits. If you do something for 2 days and stop, then start again 3 days later, that does not create strong habits and focus.

Get Started Now. At this time of year, lots of women are talking about New Year's Resolutions. And some people actually think it's too late because January 1 has passed. Really? Why? You intend to keep living, right? So start today! It can be YOUR New Year any time you choose. There will never be a better time than right now.

Don't Set Yourself Up for Failure. Newsflash: There are going to be days when you don't feel like doing the things you know you should do. It doesn't mean you don't really want to achieve your goal, it is just part of being human. And a woman. Some days, hormones are lying wenches. Give yourself a break and plan to build your empire in steps. If you give yourself all-or-nothing ultimatums, flitting is right around the corner. If you commit to doing something for 20 minutes a day, you can tell yourself that you can do anything for 20 minutes and believe it. Problem solved. Planning for only 20 minutes makes it easier to get started, and once you've worked for 20 minutes, you'll likely continue for even longer.

Know and Do What You Love. Please do not commit to a project or goal that will require work that you don't enjoy.

Full show notes are available at allegrasinclair.com/010

There came a time when I didn't have it in me. Didn't have what in me? The ability to continue with life as normal when it was anything but.

I was pretty quiet on social media last week because we were dealing with a family tragedy. Dealing with loss is ridiculously difficult and I don't know that we ever get good at it. My first response was to try to compartmentalize what had happened and continue to do what I do, flap my Superwoman cape and delay dealing with the fallout. But I could not. And I decided it was a disservice to my circle, my audience, and myself for me to try to fake it. So I didn’t. Let me explain.

Normally, I develop monthly themes for content that I am going to create or share and then on Sundays I plan content for each week. But on a recent Sunday when I would have been planning, I received the unspeakable news that one of my cousins had been killed. And in that moment, I felt almost completely lost.

I say almost, because I had enough presence of mind to focus on supporting my family first. His mother—who had lost her young son, his grandmother—who had raised him and hence lost a son AND a grandson, and my mother—who lost a grandson. (Don’t worry about all the familial connections, biology does not determine relationships, the connections between people take care of that.) I felt unspeakable pain and sorrow. I don’t know if it made it worse that he wasn’t ill, that someone had killed him, but it was all so much to bear.

After the initial shock wore off and I was confident that I had done all I could do to support these amazing women who have been part of my village, I then felt a new crushing blow. I remembered our final conversation, and the last words I had spoken to my cousin. I told him, ‘I hope you will keep in better touch now, because you need to know me’. You need to know me. That phrase haunted me for days.

When I said it, we giggled, we hugged, it was an ok moment. But in my grieving mind, the words stood out as arrogant and not as loving as I wanted my final words to be. Of course, I didn’t know those were the last words we would ever share, but we never know. And I believe in the power of words and really wanted to believe that he didn’t take them the wrong way and cover it with laughter, that he didn’t think I was judging him and that I thought he was anything less-than-perfect, exactly the way he was.

I wanted to take them back and I felt so angry and full of regret because I couldn’t. I was so full of regret that I didn’t have anything in me to give my circle or my audience. I could hardly eat I was so full of unspoken affirmations and encouragement. I was so full of ‘now I will never get to…’ that I felt physically heavy and couldn’t even begin to do many of the things I felt I needed to do last week.

But in spite of all that I accepted the responsibility of creating the funeral program and working with my mom and the funeral director to take as much weight off his mother as we could. I believe in dark moments, the best we can do is to use our God-given gifts to help others. I usually take for the granted my ability to use words and technology to paint a picture, but at this time, I was glad that I seemed to be able to do some things on autopilot while my mind swirled with pain.

I am not trying to be a downer here, I’m simply being as authentic and honest as I call others to be. How could I possibly I talk about being powerful and conquering obstacles, when I was feeling that broken? Becoming a woman of influence is not for the weak or the phony. Being fabulous isn’t always pretty and that’s ok.

I suspect in this last week some of you dealt with different yet similarly devastating situations. Maybe you endured the death of an oft-promised, long-awaited, new career opportunity.

Full show note are available at allegrasinclair.com/009

You are not who others say you are.

That's good news, right? While last week I focused on not criticizing yourself, today a recent event has inspired me to focus on not allowing others to criticize you either. In fact, I will take it a step further and suggest that we not let others define us, name us, shame us, limit us, BULLY us, or act in any way that diminishes who we are destined to be.

That’s right, pull up those big-girl panties because my alter ego is dangerously close to the surface. (You have never met Erica but she is in here.) I’m doing lots of deep breathing this week because I’m angry and heart broken at the same time.

In case you haven’t been following this story, let me tell you about a bright, young, African-American man named, Jonathan Martin. I believe he is standing in place for a lot of other people, but I have his name so I’m going to use it today. This particular young man may have lost his professional life last week because he was harassed and abused until he couldn’t take it anymore and fled his workplace.

He is in a profession where you would hardly expect someone to be bullied and tormented like this but there is a lesson in that for us also. You can be victimized no matter where you work and what you look like.

Nothing gets my Warrior Princess riled up as quickly as people using their powers for evil. When people who have been gifted with authority choose to abuse and intimidate the vulnerable, it makes me palms itch. You want to see me go from my usual soft-hearted, fun-loving self to Xena in about 3.6 seconds? Just have the nerve to take advantage of a young person, an old person, the poor, etc.

Forget punching stuff in the throat, I want to hurt people who intentionally damage others. I make no apologies for that, because someone has to speak for those whose voices are being drowned out. Back to Jonathan.

Jonathan Martin, is on the roster of the Miami Dolphins football team. All the facts are not in, but what we know for sure is that last week after a protracted period of what he felt was abusive behavior in an extremely hostile work environment, he ‘snapped’ and left the facility. Initial reports said he had a nervous breakdown, an emotional crisis, etc. The first word I remember hearing about possible reasons behind the incident was ‘bullying’.

Let me be clear, football is a brutal, macho, physically intimidating sport. I get that. However, bullying is a different matter. And so is the alleged racial bigotry he was subjected to. As the words of one voicemail he received were released to the public, it became obvious that this was not bullying or harmless hazing. The actions were intentional, ugly, racist, cowardly, repugnant, bigoted and hateful.

The fact that nobody stepped in and stopped this bullying is a shame not reserved for athletes.

This situation is front-page news because it happened to professional athletes in a glamour city. But we know this scenario could be playing itself out right in classrooms, boardrooms, libraries and thousands of other locations right now. The fact that nobody stepped in and stopped this is a shame not reserved for athletes. You know that right? Does that give you chills? It does me.

My heart breaks for this young man. While I happen to believe that him speaking up is incredibly brave I know that the price he will likely have to pay for slaying this particular dragon and saving his life and the lives of others, may be more than he realizes. Because of the macho sensibilities around sports, especially football, and all that I have heard and observed about the behavior inside male locker rooms, there will be many who will call him soft, denigrate his physical skills, and say he should have kept the dispute in house.

Full show notes can be found at allegrasinclair.com/008

Here are 5 steps to stop criticizing yourself. We’ve all heard her — that mean, inner voice that speaks up whenever we’ve made a mistake or something didn't turn out as we planned it. Sometimes, your critical inner voice (I call her the Confidence Assassin or CA,) tells you what you should have done but failed to do. Other times, she reminds you of something you did that you should have avoided. If she's so smart, why is she a figment of your imagination!? I want to inspire you to stop criticizing yourself. Leave that foolish work to others and become your best and strongest cheerleader.

Whenever you have a continuing inner dialogue or conversation with yourself about how you’re falling short in an area of your life, your self-criticism is racing right along, egging your Confidence Assassin on. ~ Allegra Sinclair

How can you quiet that voice before she destroys your self-esteem and confidence? Say it all together class, Punch it in the Throat.

Here is how to stop criticizing yourself:

Analyze the self-criticisms and smack 'em down. Point by point, what is your inner voice saying? Write it down so you can look at what you feel you’re doing wrong. Once it's written down, some of them are going to immediately look suspect. One by one, go through the points and ask yourself, “Is this really valid?” If so highlight it and make a plan to correct it. If not, cross it off your list so you can start rejecting that thought if it comes up again. Actually say, "I reject that" or "Cancel!" when the false self-criticism pops into your head. Don’t let your inner voice keep repeating these lies! They’re untrue. Take an active stance to discard them. Do you remember the show, La Femme Nikita? I'm referring to the one with Peta Wilson, not the new version that I could never get into. There was so much power in the word, cancel. Apply that to your self-criticism.

Figure out when the criticisms began. For example, if your Confidence Assassin keeps saying, “You'll never be successful at anything,” take time to figure out why you feel that way. If you keep saying it, it is coming from somewhere. We all have occasional self-critical thoughts, but the persistent ones need to be put under the microscope. You’ll likely discover a time when someone whose opinion matters to you was overly critical of you. Unfortunately, people can devastate the self-esteem of others when they use negative, accusatory, or demeaning words to evaluate or judge your life. Have you really 'always' done something or have you recently started singing that song because someone spoke that lie into your life? It makes a difference.

Acknowledge that self-criticism can be damaging. If you continue to repeat the negative statements, it can be crippling to you and even block your ability to create the life you deserve. Realize that no one can function well when being told constantly that she cannot persevere and rise above her challenges. If you have been talking this way to yourself, how is that working out? What kind of results are you getting right now? To get new results, you need to do a new thing. Running yourself down emotionally isn’t the answer to any positive question.

Drown the negative voice out. If you are so busy filling your mind and future with positive thoughts, theme music, big goals and dreams, etc. you won't be able to hear the Confidence Assassin when she starts whispering. CAs and all unfounded fears are cowards. They don't show up, stand in front of you and shout, they whisper from the sidelines, like cowards do, until they get your attention and distract your focus. Don't give them the time of day. If you don't leave any room for this type of negativity, she will have to find somewhere else to play. If you withhold food and light from a plant what happens? That's right, death. Let's commit manslaughter on our Confidence Assassin.

Full show notes can be found at allegrasinclair.com/007

If you’re at a point where you keep asking yourself, “How did I get here?,” it may be time for you to figure out ways to change the direction of your life. Admitting you are dissatisfied with your life may not be easy, but it’s a necessary first step that will lead you toward finding a life and career that you love. Aren’t you glad Mick Jagger was wrong?

If you want to get satisfaction, consider these steps: Get specific about what is disappointing you. Jot down the details of what bugs you. For example, if you’re disturbed about your home’s condition (unorganized or messy), write it down. If you feel depressed because you never got the training or education you wanted, put that on the list, too.

The purpose of this step is to identify the things that you find hard to accept about your life. This list provides you with a blueprint of what to work on to achieve the life you really want. Come up with concrete solutions for each of the items on your list. If the mess annoys you in your home, write down what you can do in the short- term to feel better about it. Do the same with each item on your list.

These solutions will guide you in your quest to live a more optimistic, satisfying life. Start working on some of your solutions TODAY. Once you make a good start, you’ll be motivated to continue. Keeping with the same examples, get some boxes and garbage bags and work on getting your living room in shape. You don’t have to tackle your entire home at one time, start with one room.

Make some calls to the local schools to see what courses they offer in the field you’re interested in. Better yet, visit their websites and you can see for yourself the course offerings, length of training, and costs. Refuse to let anything or anyone stop you from changing your life. Commit to yourself and your future. Acknowledge that you’re worth the effort to achieve your goals. Create visual reminders that you can do it. You have what it takes to move your life in the direction you want to go.

Each day, be positive and encourage yourself. Tell yourself you can do it with a visual reminder. It could be as simple as a post-it note on your mirror or a positive picture as your computer background. Create a support team. Who do you have in your life that will be supportive of your positive efforts to re-vamp your life? Is there a parent or sibling, friend, neighbor, or even a co-worker who might be inclined to motivate and encourage you to follow through with your life changes?

Don’t complain along the way—it will confuse you. You have acknowledged that there are things you want to change and you are making those changes happen. Why complain and keep reminding yourself that you are not where you want to be yet? Keep in mind that some journeys are bumpy and some changes are a little scary. But when you start to move toward your goals, you’ll realize you’re beginning to love the possibilities.

The good news about dissatisfaction with your life is that you have the power to improve your life however you like. If you identify specific areas that disappoint you, you can then generate solutions to correct them. When you start putting these solutions into action and refuse to let anything stop you from fixing your life, you’ll start to see results. Keep in mind you can do anything you set your mind to and you can seek support from your friends and family. Most importantly, approach your plan to fix your life with a true sense of excitement. When you move through these steps, you’ll see that anything is possible.

Full show notes can be found at allegrasinclair.com/006

For some of life's biggest battles, we have to fight like a girl. Kelly is many things besides being a breast cancer survivor. She's a daughter, a mother, a friend, a student, etc. A divorced mother of 2 girls, her first response to her diagnosis was terror and worry about leaving her daughters without a mother. In this episode she shares her life-changing story.

A huge proponent of breast self exams, Kelly noticed changes in her breasts and went to her doctor for follow-up. She credits that early detection with saving her life and the lives of many other women. Throughout her 3-year journey she used information and action to punch cancer in the throat and she continues to apply her new system to facing down every fear in her life.

Show notes available at allegrasinclair.com/005

Fear. Throat. Punch. A couple weeks ago I introduced my 'Punch Fear in the Throat' concept. Have you recovered yet? Good, because I want to poke that bear some more this week.

First, let me make it clear that I AM encouraging world-wide punching of FEAR in the throat. We will talk about removing toxic people (haters) from your life on another day but right now I am totally focused on silencing fear.

So nobody can say that I was advocating violence in case there is a rush of women punching each other in the throat. I did not say that. Are we clear on that? Good.

Show notes available at allegrasinclair.com/003