You're Not Too Much

This episode is sponsored by ParentAgent.

Founder Barbara Ballard spent twenty years in UX and still missed her own kid's early dismissal. So she built ParentAgent. It reads the school and activity email and hands you the list — school, camp, sports, both kids. It doesn't train on your family's data, doesn't sell it, and you can delete all of it. It’s free to start, at parentagent.io/L2.

I was people watching at a hotel breakfast when a whole family came down.

Everybody had a little pink on their cheeks. Everybody was clearly covered in sunscreen. Except the mom, whose back was so red it looked painful to the touch.

Somebody made sure that everybody else at that table had the right amount of sunscreen. And literally no one there had her back.

It's called invisible labor for a reason. Nobody sees you doing it. But that doesn't mean it isn't happening.

So, women are not superheroes. If you are calling a woman a superhero, it is because you are not also taking the time to ask her what she needs. Stop being impressed. Take something off her plate.

Also: I made my favorite drink at home, saved $57, and now I need a $150 ice machine.

Then on Ask L2, a listener asks whether infinite love, finite space applies to people who pay her. You're allowed to have boundaries with everyone. Including your boss.

00:00:53 Two trips, one weekend

00:01:40 The best Coke I've ever had in my life

00:02:11 A big family or a donkey

00:02:53 Everybody had sunscreen

00:04:18 Everybody except her

00:04:58 Nobody had her back

00:05:12 It's called invisible labor for a reason

00:05:29 That's not a vacation. That's a trip.

00:05:50 Stop being impressed. Take something off her plate.

00:06:47 She has a partner

00:07:31 Women are not superheroes

00:07:59 If you see a woman doing it all

00:08:15 I found a drink I really like

00:08:58 Why does a $16 salad taste better?

00:09:51 Proper hydration for the first time ever

00:10:30 Sonic Ice

00:11:35 Do I spend $150 to save money?

00:12:30 The cheap ones get moldy. Delicious.

00:13:09 Internet, do I need an ice machine?

00:13:25 Ask L2: infinite love, finite space, at work?

00:14:02 Boundaries at work are important

00:15:28 You can love them and hold a boundary

00:15:54 What you're allowed to say

00:16:30 I felt bad that I didn't feel bad

00:17:09 Your job shouldn't be about love

00:17:26 How could you have hives if you've never had bees?

More at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com · Leave me a voicemail at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail

My youngest has a vocal stim.

She yells meep.

Happy? Meep.

Frustrated? Meep.

Too much energy and nowhere to put it? MEEP. Top of her lungs. Directly into her sister's face.

It's about half her vocabulary right now.

And I love it.

So when someone told her I was only saying I love it to make her feel good?

Excuse me.

Have you met me?

Here's the thing. One day she's going to stop meeping, and I'm going to be really sad about it.

So stop harshing her meep mellow.

P.S. If your kid has a stim that drives everyone else up the wall but quietly turns your whole heart to mush — this one's for you.

This episode is sponsored by ParentAgent.

Founder Barbara Ballard spent twenty years in UX and still missed her own kid's early dismissal. So she built ParentAgent. It reads the school and activity email and hands you the list — school, camp, sports, both kids. It doesn't train on your family's data, doesn't sell it, and you can delete all of it. It’s free to start, at parentagent.io/L2.

Content note: this episode talks about consent, sexual assault and abuse. It also contains strong language.

Shane Gillis hosted SNL for the third time and said women at the gym dress like whores now.

On SNL. During a national conversation about consent.

So, can we please stop trying to make Shane Gillis happen?

No matter what a woman wears, she was not asking to be assaulted. If you tell women to change their clothes so they don't get assaulted, you are saying assault is the understood byproduct of being a woman. And that's not true.

Comedy is supposed to be funny. I've heard jokes that are offensive to me that I still understand are funny to other people. This wasn't funny. This was classifying 50% of the population as a literal slur.

And when it's just a joke is the defense? That's an abuse tactic. Every abusive man has used it to gaslight a woman about the degrading thing he just said. You're not overreacting. You are reacting to the fact that somebody just said something shitty.

Then on Ask L2: a listener has six "can I pick your brain" coffee invites this month and wants to say no without being the villain. You're never the villain for having boundaries. And you lift while you climb.

Stay to the end for the password. It's 867-5309.

00:01:01 Shane Gillis - The charisma of a wooden spoon

00:01:45 Getting sued by David Letterman would be an honor

00:02:09 Can we please stop trying to make Shane Gillis happen?

00:03:24 The conversation we're having right now

00:04:03 There should be no question

00:04:19 Assault is not a byproduct of being a woman

00:04:39 A stupid time to say this thing

00:05:08 Why haven't you been to a gym in that long?

00:05:27 You're a comedian. You're supposed to be funny.

00:05:49 Not banned from SNL

00:06:41 Do we remember his origin story?

00:07:18 Without the usefulness

00:08:03 A thousand ways to tell that joke

00:08:46 "This is just comedy"

00:09:17 This wasn't funny

00:09:28 Why does he keep getting the stage?

00:10:41 Edgy for the sake of being edgy

00:11:13 Why I keep showing up here

00:12:34 Add the neon short shorts to cart

00:12:59 Let's go be undesirable

00:13:30 We don't do it for your gaze

00:13:49 Why "it's just a joke" is an abuse tactic

00:14:33 You're not overreacting

00:15:25 Ask L2: six "can I pick your brain" coffees

If something in this episode hit close to home:

RAINN, 800-656-HOPE (4673) or online.rainn.org ·

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-SAFE (7233), or text START to 88788.

More at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com ·

Leave me a voicemail at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail

This episode is sponsored by ParentAgent.

Founder Barbara Ballard spent twenty years in UX and still missed her own kid's early dismissal. So she built ParentAgent. It reads the school and activity email and hands you the list — school, camp, sports, both kids. It doesn't train on your family's data, doesn't sell it, and you can delete all of it. It’s free to start, at parentagent.io/L2.

I’m gonna say something that’s going to shock everyone listening.

I went to a three-day event. By myself. On an airplane. With a bunch of strangers.

And I really freaking enjoyed myself.

I’m painfully introverted. Usually three days of peopling leaves my social battery so drained that I’m never talking to another human again. This time I came home tired, but the good kind.

Here’s the thing. It was a room full of health tech founders who have been where you are and know the way out. Nobody bragged about their successes. We talked a whole lot about failures. No judgment.

Also, I was so hyperfocused on my to-do list in the hotel lobby that I almost walked face first into Kevin Durant. I didn’t recognize him. It was like seeing a fish on land.

Then on Ask L2: a listener runs a one-person business, hasn’t taken a week off in three years, and is starting to resent the thing they built to get free. Where do you even start?

Do as I say, not as I do. Turn your freaking phone off.

Chapters

00:00:00 Cold open

00:00:31 Welcome to You’re Not Too Much

00:00:45 Brace yourself

00:01:25 I really freaking enjoyed myself

00:02:00 Are we sure this is New Jersey?

00:02:54 Fancy food and one coconut cheesecake

00:03:47 Invigorating, not exhausting

00:04:17 People who have been where you are

00:05:01 Reentry whiplash

00:06:15 Nobody suspected I never wear shoes

00:06:40 Counting backward

00:07:45 Two hours of hyperfocus in the great room

00:09:17 Wait, strangers just start conversations?

00:10:02 A very tall man on the stairs

00:11:39 Like seeing a fish on land

00:11:57 "You saw Kevin Durant?"

00:12:42 The guests who wouldn’t check out

00:13:31 What else did I miss?

00:14:55 Ask L2: no week off in three years

00:15:54 Turn your freaking phone off

00:16:50 The false economy of never resting

00:17:43 All I want is to not be needed

00:17:58 Nothing will fall apart in one week

00:18:31 Love you, mean it

More at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com · Leave me a voicemail at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail

This episode is sponsored by Aging Together. Founded by occupational therapist Dr. Pooja A. Patel, Aging Together helps families navigate aging and caregiving before it becomes a crisis. Start your journey today at aging-together.com/nottoomuch where you can use discount code NOTTOOMUCH10 for $10 off the already-discounted elder care planning bundles.

I've been doing this podcast for 18 months, and I am still mortified that I have a podcast.

Newsflash: that has not changed.

What has changed is everything else. Last month our tiny show — me, in my office, running my mouth into a microphone — showed up on the US mental health chart one row above Sanjay Gupta's podcast. We passed 400,000 downloads. We became a network. A sponsored network.

And every single time, my brain said that's probably not gonna last. Or somebody made a mistake.

Here's the thing.

I have three exits. I run a consulting company. And at my core, I am still that 12-year-old girl who is very concerned that you're not gonna come to my birthday party.

We can be wildly successful and also that little kid. That's kinda gotta be okay.

Also in this one: You're Not In Charge of the Scale, the new show on our network from pediatrician Dr. Stephanie Walsh. Five more shows in production. Why sponsors won't change a single thing about my mouth.

And on Ask L2, a listener bought 14 project management apps and still runs the whole business off sticky notes. Is that a system?

Yes. Is it a good system? No. Does it have to be?

Chapters

00:00:00 Cold open

00:00:47 Welcome to You're Not Too Much

00:01:01 18 months in and still mortified

00:02:45 Why my brain won't let me enjoy a win

00:03:46 My producer told me not to look at the charts

00:05:33 One row above Sanjay Gupta

00:07:34 Before my brain undoes it

00:08:29 400,000 downloads

00:08:56 Wildly successful and still that 12-year-old girl

00:10:01 Big news: we're a network

00:10:36 Meet You're Not In Charge of the Scale

00:11:07 Five more shows in production

00:11:53 We're a sponsored network

00:12:43 A year ago, this was a pipe dream

00:14:16 Will sponsors change what I say?

00:16:02 Ask L2: 14 apps and a business run on sticky notes

00:19:06 Is it a system? Is it a good one?

00:20:10 It's 12:12

More at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com

Leave me a voicemail at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail

This episode is sponsored by Aging Together. Founded by occupational therapist Dr. Pooja A. Patel, Aging Together helps families navigate aging and caregiving before it becomes a crisis. Start your journey today at aging-together.com/nottoomuch where you can use discount code NOTTOOMUCH10 for $10 off the already-discounted elder care planning bundles.

Content note: the second half of this episode talks about sexual assault.

Senior year. AP Government. A teacher who was also a lawyer, who made us call him Doctor, and who told us in literally every class to question authority.

So one day, we did.

The test he left made no sense. We talked it through as a class, decided not to take it until he could clarify, and left him a signed note explaining why.

He came back furious. Threatened to fail all of us. Gave us a presentation on groupthink. Then assigned us two five-page essays.

It took me years to understand what that was.

They assign essays when they're embarrassed that you did what they taught you to do.

Which is why I can't stop thinking about Cornell, where a lawsuit filed this month says a woman was sexually assaulted by seven fraternity members in 2024, and that some of them were allowed to write an essay to keep their place at school. Cornell says essays weren't anybody's only consequence. I'd love to see the rest of the list.

The two stories are miles apart. The intent behind the punishment is the same.

This is cultural. It's not an accident. And an essay is not a punishment.

Since I recorded this, the Tompkins County District Attorney has reopened the criminal investigation and says the case is going to a grand jury.

00:00:00 Cold open

00:00:19 Welcome to You're Not Too Much

00:00:33 The teacher who made us call him Doctor

00:04:05 The test nobody could take

00:06:38 He came back the next day

00:08:48 About that doctorate

00:11:47 The point: Cornell and the essay

00:14:37 This is cultural, not an accident

00:15:24 Miles apart. Same intent.

00:17:52 Cornell should be ashamed

If this brings anything up for you, RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline is free, confidential and open 24/7. Call 800-656-4673, text HOPE to 64673, or chat at rainn.org.

More at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com · Leave me a voicemail at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail

This episode is sponsored by Aging Together. Founded by occupational therapist Dr. Pooja A. Patel, Aging Together helps families navigate aging and caregiving before it becomes a crisis. Start your journey today at aging-together.com/nottoomuch where you can use discount code NOTTOOMUCH10 for $10 off the already-discounted elder care planning bundles.

I don't want to brag, but I am very advanced for my age.

Not in the good way. My short-term memory is gone, my word recall has the range of somebody thirty years older than me, and my entire skill set is words. That's it. That's the whole job.

I lost the word for grass. In a yard. Looking at grass.

So this one is me trying to work out what's actually going on in there — perimenopause, dehydration, the crushing existential dread of this timeline, or the sheer number of people who need something from me at any given time. Spoiler: it's all of it.

We get into what it actually costs to be the person everyone offloads to, why delegating something and then having to chase it isn't delegating at all, and why my calendar is now the only place reality is stored.

And Janna asks whether hyperfocus is an asset in a small business or just expensive, which I did not enjoy being asked.

If you're finding yourself unable to find your words, they're fine. They're in a field somewhere having a lovely time without you.

Come stand in the corner with me. We can cry together.

Chapters

00:00:00 Cold open

00:00:45 Welcome to You're Not Too Much

00:00:59 I am very advanced for my age

00:01:38 The word was grass

00:02:26 My entire skill set is words

00:03:08 You want some anxiety? I've got extra

00:03:31 Shiny object, and the link I never click

00:05:29 What it's actually like in here

00:06:21 I could tell you where I got everything in my closet

00:06:58 I don't remember where I got these kids

00:07:12 Why this timeline is making it worse

00:09:11 The personal load on top of the cosmic one

00:10:38 Delegating isn't offloading

00:12:53 Break

00:12:57 The anxiety that never switches off

00:13:38 Two thoughts, all the time

00:14:51 Every time the phone pings

00:15:50 Healthcare. That's the thing that we do.

00:16:46 Come stand in the corner with me

00:17:25 Ask L2: is hyperfocus an asset or just expensive?

00:21:47 Love you, mean it

More at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com · Got a question for Ask L2? Leave it at yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail

It was like a switch flipped.

I had a job. Jobs are good. We like jobs. It paid my bills, it sucked, it was awful, and it was crushing my soul — and I had decided that's just what being an adult is. My whole life was operating in shades of gray. Not the interesting kind. Nothing was exciting, and it didn't even occur to me that things were supposed to be.

Then one insidious thought got into my brain: if the alternative to this sucks and this already sucks, why not try the new suck?

Thirty seconds later I was done. My CEO sent me a Slack at 8:30 one morning — not the worst thing he'd ever said, honestly pretty benign — but the glass was already broken, and you can't put glass back together. Resignation letter, thirty minutes later. Zero plan. Zero idea what was next.

I don't regret it. The whole life I have now came out of that one decision.

But I wish I'd done it differently, and that's the actual episode.

Then an Ask L2 from Tanya: do you tell a new client you're neurodivergent before you start, or are you just handing them a reason to be weird about you for six months?

And if you want the version of this with actual people in the room, we've just launched Leave Your Sh*tty Job over at What The Fractional. It's pay what you can, the minimum is a dollar, and the point of it is that you end up leaving or staying because it's the choice you made, not the one you got forced into: https://whatthefractional.com

🎧Every episode: https://yourenottoomuchpodcast.com

📞Leave me a voicemail: https://yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail

💬 Come find the rest of us: https://alwaysquirky.com

I miss my dad. You know that.

What you might not know is that he was a forensic psychiatrist for 55 years, I ran his practice for 10 of them, and on a case like Lindsay Clancy's, he's exactly who would've been called to testify. So for the last couple of weeks I've had his voice in my ear. Screaming.

Not about postpartum illness. That conversation is correct — women get sick after babies, they're scared to say so, they deserve better help. All of it, yes.

He'd be screaming because that's not what happened here.

Lindsay Clancy was diagnosed bipolar. That came out at trial. She was complaining of racing thoughts, worsening intrusive thoughts and no sleep, and somebody's answer was to increase her antidepressant — a thing that is documented to make bipolar patients worse. Her illness didn't make her psychotic. Her medication did. And if we don't separate "postpartum illness" from "shit-ass medical care," every woman who's already scared to disclose gets more scared.

I'm not a clinician. I say that about six times in this episode. This is his rant, from beyond the grave, delivered by the person who sat in the depositions.

Heads up: this one talks about postpartum mental illness, bipolar disorder, the Lindsay Clancy case (including the deaths of her children) and, briefly, suicide. Look after yourself.

If you're postpartum and struggling: Postpartum Support International, 1-800-944-4773.

If you're in crisis: call or text 988.

Idris Elba jumped off my nightstand at three o'clock in the morning.

Ten minutes before my alarm. Which was also set for three o'clock in the morning, because I had that much work to get to. There is nothing in that room that can fall, and I lay there in the dark going "what?"

So Kyle and I went looking for the piece, under nightstands that have about an eight-inch gap at the bottom.

⏱️ Chapters

00:00:00 I named my CPAP Idris Elba

00:00:11 3am: the thunk

00:00:45 The clip is broken

00:01:28 One plastic clip is my entire edge

00:01:58 Under the nightstand

00:02:27 I am leaving the dust bunnies

00:02:46 Kyle was not leaving the dust bunnies

00:03:15 Vacuuming at 11pm