In this raw and surprisingly humorous episode, hosts John and Jason are joined by Abner, who shares his deep and complex journey through addiction and recovery. Abner walks us through his early life, characterized by a persistent feeling of being "different" and constantly having to fight to survive. He describes his addiction as being fueled by a need to overcompensate and a reliance on "liquid courage" and stimulants to feel both effective and numb. Abner shares the crushing demoralization that led him to finally stop digging, embrace true willingness, and discover the profound power of working a program—not just for himself, but for the life he never knew he could lead.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• The Burden of Survival Mode: Abner details his lifelong feeling of being "not normal" and the emotional labor required to simply get through the day by constantly overcompensating, eventually leading to exhaustion.
• The Double Standard and Double Life: Growing up in a demanding environment with immigrant parents, and the shame that fueled his dual existence as a successful employee and an addict relying on amphetamines to maintain the facade.
• Dirty Chips, Dirty Cakes, and Deception: The conversation dives into the complex lies and self-deception involved in celebrating sobriety milestones while still secretly using, and the eventual, necessary embarrassment that leads to honesty.
• Finding GOD (Good Orderly Direction): Abner shares the moment the concept of a Higher Power clicked for him, evolving into a practical and powerful relationship that informs his daily routines, boundaries, and decision-making.
• The Power of the Big Book: Discovering that reading the Big Book repeatedly reveals "Easter Eggs"—new lessons and insights that affirm the continuing, expanding nature of his recovery journey.

Memorable Quotes:

• "I'm thinking like, why are you guys like okay with things right now?" – On feeling fundamentally different from his classmates in first grade.
• "The way my survival skills looked was to overcompensate." – On his coping mechanism for dealing with overwhelming internal conflict.
• "Alcohol may not be my favorite drug, but it's my activator." – On the primary role alcohol played in kickstarting his addictive cycle.
• "The energy that I put into my recovery was the exact, if not more, than how I used to drink and use." – On the commitment level required for true change.
• "I know that's exactly how I feel when the 'we' concept in AA is present." – On the unique, protective feeling of unity and belonging in the rooms.

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

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