In this episode of Anonymous, Sam shares an intense and deeply reflective story of addiction, relapse, recovery, and spiritual transformation. Getting sober young, Sam struggled to relate to older AA members at first, but eventually realized the real connection wasn’t in external circumstances, but in the shared experience of alcoholism and emotional pain.

He talks candidly about growing up in Los Angeles, early lying and self-harm, discovering alcohol at his bar mitzvah, escalating drug use, overdoses, trauma, rehab, devastating relapses, and the painful realization that he could not stop on his own. Sam describes the difference between being “dry” and truly sober, the importance of a genuine first step, and how service to others became central to his recovery.

And if you want to know what "Miami Sober" means, take a listen.

Memorable Quotes:

“I didn’t realize that I wanted to stop. I realized that I couldn’t.”

“I didn’t speak an honest word to anybody.”

“The best way to build self-esteem is through esteemable acts.”

“What am I doing today to inconvenience myself for another person?”

“The most painful experience of your life can also become the most meaningful.”

“I came to AA because I had zero ability to stop drinking and using. But that’s not what it gave me.”

Tamar never considered alcoholism a possibility. Drinking initially felt grounding and connective rather than escapist. Over time, it became essential for managing anxiety, grief, social interaction, and professional life in the arts world. The progression was gradual but unmistakable: secret drinking, carrying flasks, structuring life around alcohol availability, drinking during work hours, and rationalizing it all as part of a creative lifestyle. The turning point came when Tamar found herself swigging warm vodka from a stolen bottle at 9 a.m. in a closet and hearing an inner voice say, “You probably want to look at this.”

The pod then shifts into a deep exploration of recovery. In a wide-ranging conversation, we talk about emotional sobriety, spirituality versus religion, ego, slogans, and the meaning of surrender. Tamar describes recovery not as achieving perfection or constant happiness, but becoming “more joyous, more happy, more free.” Jason shares his experience of entering AA as a militant atheist and eventually reframing spirituality as ego reduction rather than religious conversion.

The interview ends with a discussion of “the pause,” learning not to react impulsively, and understanding that sometimes doing nothing is an action.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

Alcohol for Connection - "The drinking was not to so much escape, but to engage more.”

The Slow Creep of Addiction - “Drinking was working until it stopped working.”

Recovery as Reframing, Not Perfection - Tamar rejects the fantasy version of recovery:

Spirituality vs Religion - “I see the entire 12 steps as a complete hack to get rid of your ego.”

Emotional Sobriety - Tamar defines emotional sobriety: “If I can go to bed without having to make an amends the next day.”

Memorable Quotes:

“I was too much of a coward to commit suicide, but I was praying not to wake up.”

“I used to feel a lot of pressure when I heard, 'you're going to be joyous, happy and free.' That is way too much to expect and I'm just going to be set up for disappointment. And then one of my million sponsors said, 'what it is MORE joyous, MORE happy, and MORE free.'"

“If I hit the pillow sober, it’s been a good day.”

“Not doing something is possibly one of the best directions I can hear from my higher power and to figure out what that next indicated step is to do nothing.”

“I had a bottle in my desk slash office. I had a bottle in the car.”

“The dire need to be special has lessened.”

This conversation covers a lot of ground. Ben’s journey starts in Canada, where he struggled with mental health issues that he treated with drugs and alcohol. That was fun at first, but as often happens, it soon led to fun with problems and then just problems. When he moved to Los Angeles to pursue his dream, he brought his addiction with him, and life became a nightmare. After passing out on a street corner, Ben knew he had to make a change, and he ended up in a rehab in Texas.

Sobriety hasn’t been a smooth ride, but with hard work, willingness, and support, Ben is changing his life, and now he helps other addicts. We also talk honestly about relapse, “marijuana maintenance” and the seedier side of the rehab business.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

Mental Health: Many people have a “dual diagnosis” or are self-medicating or both.

Life on Life’s Terms: means facing pain without numbing it.

Community is Essential: Recovery is both personal and social.

Relapse: Recovery requires accountability, but shame shouldn’t keep you from coming back from a slip or a relapse.

California Sober: Ben doesn’t think “marijuana maintenance” is for him, but acknowledges different paths work for different people.

Working in Recovery: Helping people get sober can be rewarding, but there is a dark side to the business

Getting Sober Early: The challenges and rewards of stopping as a young person.

Memorable Quotes:

“I remember thinking… this is the best thing I’ve ever experienced. You just drink something and suddenly you’re chemically happy.”

“There’s real beauty in realizing: I don’t have a good life. Because that’s when you can finally change it.”

“Finding a good AA meeting is like dating—you’ve got to try a bunch before you find the right one.”

“I just wanted something to fix me… but I had to actually fight for it.”

“You can’t control what other people do. You can only control what you do with your own life.”

“Recovery isn’t just the steps—you need non-toxic people in your life too.”

“I can’t do any work on myself if I’m high. I’m just avoiding feeling.”

“Sometimes you have to stop caring about other people’s approval to find your people.”

“Relapse isn’t something to shame—but staying sober does take work.”

In this episode, John and Jason talk to David, who lays out his story of addiction and recovery so directly and simply that it’s easy to forget just how incredible it is. Part of it is his deep, gravelly voice, which was made for podcasting (he doesn’t do that professionally…yet). But mostly it’s his honesty.

From huffing paint thinner at an early age to daily marijuana use in middle school, David’s addictions led to a stint in rehab before he graduated high school. He relapsed after a year but got sober again at 18 and abstained from drugs and alcohol for 21 years.

But that’s not the whole story. While he was building a life that looked good on the outside, he was still miserable inside. He’d stopped taking the cocaine and booze that made living with his internal darkness tolerable, but he still had a black hole that he hadn’t dealt with, and eventually he relapsed again, and this time he used for 12 years.

Rock bottom hit him hard, and he came back to himself, this time with a desperation that motivated him to be honest, open-minded, and willing to do whatever it took. The results were not instantaneous, but they are miraculous. From psychosis to clarity and from a restraining order to loving reconciliation, David is an inspiring example of a person who surrendered completely and was rewarded with a life beyond his wildest dreams.

Quotes

• “I always kind of felt separate and apart from my family and from others. So when the opportunity came along, I met an older kid in the neighborhood, and I started to experiment with huffing substances.”
• “How does this bitch know I’m miserable?”
• “I mean, it's just like the all-American deal. Met a girl, got married, had a kid, bought a house, got a job. All these cool things happen. But the thing that didn't change deep inside was me fundamentally, I was still this miserable, broken human being with no idea how to live.”
• “I was basically in a gutter… and you’re telling me I’ll get a life beyond my wildest dreams.”
• “For the first time in my life, I finally chose character over comfort.”
• “There is no difference between emotional abuse and physical abuse.”
• “I was no longer alone and separate.”
• “I learned how to be the person I wanted to be.”

Themes

Early Emotional Disconnection Addiction isn’t just about substances. It’s about trying to fix that “separate and apart” feeling before you even have words for it.

Relapse as Unfinished Business: His relapse after 21 years wasn’t random. It was the bill for work he never did coming due.

The Unwelcome Gift of Desperation as Catalyst: Hitting absolute bottom is what made him willing to change.

Accountability and Moral Repair. This is where the real change happens, not in slogans.

Community as Antidote to Isolation: Fellowship replaces the “hole.” Not perfectly, but enough to make life livable.

Spirituality as Practice, Not Theory: Less “divine lightning bolt,” more daily habits that slowly rewire behavior.

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

This is a harrowing story of pain, addiction, recovery, relapse, and redemption. As a child, Serena developed deep feelings of worthlessness, isolation, and emotional pain after losing her father to suicide, her step-father to murder, and suffering childhood sexual abuse. She found ease and comfort from her trauma in drugs and alcohol at an early age. Heavy partying through her twenties started out fun but eventually led to serious consequences, including bad relationships, arrests, fires, and suicide attempts. Finally desperate and hopeless, she committed to getting sober and found a way to keep clean, rebuild her relationships, and help other people.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• Generational Trauma - Father was an alcoholic and died by suicide when she was three.
• Sexual Abuse - A victim of sexual assault as a child and as a young adult, Serena now works to help victims recover.
• Victimhood - Serena no longer pities herself as a victim. Now she finds strength as a survivor.
• Repairing Relationships - Serena is rebuilding relationships with her children and her mother.
• Community - Serena found a home with her Tribe and is learning about the culture of her ancestors
• Relapse and Recovery - After 4 years, Serena struggled with pain meds but found her community welcomed her back with open arms.

Memorable Quotes:

• "I was very comfortable in trauma… it was the only life I knew.”
• “I thought I could drink responsibly… ignoring 20 years of consequences.”
• “I don’t invite God into my day, I invite myself into God’s day. I don’t tell my God how big my problems are—I tell my problems how big my God is.”
• ”My dad was my native side. And so when he died, that died with him. And so in sobriety, coming back and living on the reservation here, I've got to have a new world opened up to me about what my culture is.”
• “If I like something a little, I’m going to love it to death.”

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

In this episode, John and Jason talk to Christopher, who found relief from crippling fear and anxiety in a can of Fosters he stole from his dad’s fridge when he was 14. Partying in High School and college kept going until he realized he should maybe stop about 10 years later. Then he kept going for another decade or so before he finally gave up. We talk about how hard it was for all of us to stand up at our first meeting and admit that we have a problem, and how great it felt when we finally did. Chris also shares about the powerful process of making amends and how doing service helps him. We also talk about the mysterious power of meetings and how this organization that “should never be organized” has thrived for over 90 years, even though it’s run democratically by recovering alcoholics.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

Early Life & Pervasive Fear: Chris discusses the origins of a "pervasive sense of fear" that defined his childhood, growing up in a home with constantly fracturing family dynamics, and feeling "psychotic and different" from everyone else.

The Illusion of Control: How achieving professional success (even as a functional alcoholic) fueled the denial and prolonged his active addiction for 13 years, creating a life where he was always trying to outrun his own brain.

The Ultimate Bottom: The series of events—including his fiancée having her bags packed, a health crisis with his father, and being fired from a bartending job—that finally broke through his self-protection.

The Miracle of the Group: The emotional flood of relief and surrender when he finally spoke in a packed meeting, describing the "thunderous" power he felt when the group greeted him.

Surrendering to Service: The non-negotiable importance of immediate action and service work (GSR, District Chair) to stay out of his own head, and the constant battle with his alcoholic brain to keep moving forward.

Facing the Past: The terrifying yet ultimately miraculous freedom of making amends, which included confronting a boss he had stolen from and a friend he had physically harmed.

Memorable Quotes:

“I just kept thinking the further away from my own brain that I got, the better of a person I could be.”

“I smashed up cars, I smashed up friends, I lost girlfriends, I did things, but I always found a way in my warp brain to blame somebody else.”

“If you lose a job as a bartender because you drink too much, you know, you're pretty much unemployable.”

“So we went to that meeting and I was so scared to walk in because I knew no matter what if I went in there, my life could change.”

“And when I stood up and said, my name's Chris, I'm an alcoholic. And a room full of 60 people said, ‘Chris!’ I felt something greater than myself hit me.”

“Boy, has life changed for the better in a way I never could have possibly imagined.”

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

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Missi joins Jason and John to share a story about a frightening childhood experience that reverberated through her life. Her desire to be someone other than herself and a need for validation led to a successful career as an actor and an entertainer. However, there was still a deep-rooted insecurity that drinking helped to quell temporarily. In recovery, she's discovered tools that help her stay sober and really connect with other people, not just her fellow addicts, in a deep and meaningful way that allows her to feel a daily sense of peace, purpose, and joy. We also talk about what the heck "A Higher Power of Your Own Understanding" means and how important that is to recovery. It sounds serious, but this episode is pretty hilarious, so give it a listen. You'll hear a lot of wisdom, and you'll find out how an on-set dildo accident still affects Missi to this day.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed

• Higher Power: How the hypocrisy and casual violence associated with her religious upbringing made belief in God difficult until she was able to create her own conception of the divine.
• Fellowship: The importance of walking the path of sobriety who share the same issue and can understand what you're going through. "In my phone right now I've got hundreds of numbers, and a lot of those numbers, I could call and just say hey, I just need to talk. And how amazing is that?”
• One Day at a Time: The simple trick of not worrying about what years of sobriety look like. Just focus on not drinking today. Can you do that? “That's all you got to do. Just do that today. Call me tomorrow. We'll talk again.”

Memorable Quotes

• "That was how I was raised. Like nothing was ever good enough. We were never good enough."
• "I just was a liar or a cheater. Like, I just, I was unfaithful in every relationship I was ever in. I just was uncomfortable. I didn't know how to be myself. I didn't know what myself was. I didn't have any confidence."
• So alcohol helped me with so many different things. And then before I knew it, I was drinking every night.”
• “I really was a functioning alcoholic. If you could think functioning, which is not really functioning.”
• “I remember him saying, like, ‘I just wish, I just wish that you could Love yourself.’ And I remember just being like, I love myself. Fuck you. I totally. Fuck you, man. I'm fine. You're the one who's got the problem. I didn't ever want to be wrong. I always wanted to be…in control.”
• “Creating a God of my understanding has been pretty awesome. Like what makes sense to me”
• “So it's like I'm just giving over to what I'm supposed to be here for and I have to do it every single day. And if I don't do it, a lot of the old stuff comes in."

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

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This episode was recorded the day after Brad celebrated 24 years of sobriety, and he packs a lot of experience, honesty, wisdom, and humor into his story. Brad tells us about his drug and alcohol abuse and the insanity of addiction. A native New Yorker, Brad attended one of his first 12-step meetings at the Jewish Y on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, which was, ironically, the same place where he had been a camper and camp counselor as a kid. He talks about how cocaine and alcohol initially seemed to help him overcome his social anxiety and insecurity before they started destroying his life. He also explains how, despite being a ‘really good dreamer’, recovery has actually given him a life beyond his wildest dreams.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• The "Special" Addict: Brad’s initial—and ongoing—arrogance in recovery, believing he needed two meetings a week because he "picked up the material quickly."
• Dry vs. Sober: The distinct difference between being "dry" (refraining from substances but still a "nasty motherfucker") for two years versus true sobriety.
• Financial Rock Bottoms: The insane reality of owing the IRS $140,000 in back taxes due to active addiction, and the constant fear of eviction.
• The Brick Wall Metaphor: How active addiction felt like chipping away at his life, brick by brick, until there was only a gaping hole left.
• The Therapist's Blind Spot: The shocking moment his trusted psychologist admitted he never knew Brad had a substance problem, highlighting the depth of Brad's denial and ability to mask his addiction.
• The Journey from Unmanageable to Unbearable: Realizing that his life had been "unmanageable" since childhood, but that he only sought help when it became truly "unbearable."

Memorable Quotes:

• “When I drank my first beer, Brad had fucking arrived. I was a different guy. I could do anything, say anything, think anything.”
• “All I want is to be happy in Hollywood sign size letters.”
• “By the way, ’I got this’ is not a step."
• “We said partying the same way I used to call drinks cocktails, you know, to make it look and seem more elegant than it really was. But every time I went out there, I was abusing my body.”
• I know it's a matter of time before they [the police] break in, so I'm going to hide the cocaine… Five minutes later, I wanted to do cocaine. I forget where. I hid it. And I start ripping my apartment apart. Yeah, I'm a catch.”
• “A guy in a meeting one time says, ‘he was born a happy kid, and then the hospital made him go home with his parents.’”
• “I said after that hangover, which was demoralizing, I would never drink again, which I didn’t…for two weeks”
• "I didn't even think it was an issue, that's how much of an issue it was.”

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

Get your Sponsor Approved t-shirts and more at Sober Outfitters!

In this wide-ranging episode, Travis tells his story, recounting how flooding his home after passing out in his bathtub wasn’t enough to keep him sober but handcuffs and leg restraints courtesy of the California Highway Patrol helped him realize he had a problem that needed a serious solution. Travis details the extreme self-will and need for external validation that fueled his addiction, manifesting in both chaos and self-sabotage. Travis also talks about his sobriety, his higher power and his suicide attempts as well as the best diners in LA, the best brands of lube and his favorite WNBA player.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:·

The "Third Generation" Alcoholic: Travis discusses his family legacy of sobriety, including grandparents who met in the rooms of AA, and why he passionately resisted the program he viewed as a place for "charlatans or zealots."·

The Illusion of Liquid Courage: How drinking, from cheap Pilsners to high-end Scotch, was used to make him feel funnier, smarter, and more attractive—a temporary fix for deep-seated insecurities.·

The Restraint of Sanity: Travis shares the powerful, humbling moment of being physically restrained in the police car, which he likens to being treated like a "mental patient," and the internal whisper of God that led him to his first meeting.·

Pets and the Price of Negligence: The shared experience in recovery where the harm to a beloved pet serves as a devastating reflection of one's own reckless behavior.

Memorable Quotes:·

"I got found out that I have a problem with substance abuse, and that was brought to me by the California Highway Patrol."

"If I sit too long, my mind becomes a filthy pond, full of scum."

"If my body is a house and it's on fire, I don't want to sit in that house fire. I want to go to the other house that's on fire."

"Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, today's money in the bank."

"It's easier for me to be the good guy of the movie and not the bad guy."

Everything AA App

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

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In this raw and surprisingly humorous episode, hosts John and Jason are joined by Abner, who shares his deep and complex journey through addiction and recovery. Abner walks us through his early life, characterized by a persistent feeling of being "different" and constantly having to fight to survive. He describes his addiction as being fueled by a need to overcompensate and a reliance on "liquid courage" and stimulants to feel both effective and numb. Abner shares the crushing demoralization that led him to finally stop digging, embrace true willingness, and discover the profound power of working a program—not just for himself, but for the life he never knew he could lead.

Key Topics & Themes Discussed:

• The Burden of Survival Mode: Abner details his lifelong feeling of being "not normal" and the emotional labor required to simply get through the day by constantly overcompensating, eventually leading to exhaustion.
• The Double Standard and Double Life: Growing up in a demanding environment with immigrant parents, and the shame that fueled his dual existence as a successful employee and an addict relying on amphetamines to maintain the facade.
• Dirty Chips, Dirty Cakes, and Deception: The conversation dives into the complex lies and self-deception involved in celebrating sobriety milestones while still secretly using, and the eventual, necessary embarrassment that leads to honesty.
• Finding GOD (Good Orderly Direction): Abner shares the moment the concept of a Higher Power clicked for him, evolving into a practical and powerful relationship that informs his daily routines, boundaries, and decision-making.
• The Power of the Big Book: Discovering that reading the Big Book repeatedly reveals "Easter Eggs"—new lessons and insights that affirm the continuing, expanding nature of his recovery journey.

Memorable Quotes:

• "I'm thinking like, why are you guys like okay with things right now?" – On feeling fundamentally different from his classmates in first grade.
• "The way my survival skills looked was to overcompensate." – On his coping mechanism for dealing with overwhelming internal conflict.
• "Alcohol may not be my favorite drug, but it's my activator." – On the primary role alcohol played in kickstarting his addictive cycle.
• "The energy that I put into my recovery was the exact, if not more, than how I used to drink and use." – On the commitment level required for true change.
• "I know that's exactly how I feel when the 'we' concept in AA is present." – On the unique, protective feeling of unity and belonging in the rooms.

For more details on recovery resources, please visit RTFB.com

Get your Sponsor Approved t-shirts and more at Sober Outfitters!