1 Minute Political Update

Donald Trump spoke to a joint session of Congress where he boasted about all his accomplishments, like changing the name of Denali back to Mount McKinley and keeping Americans safe from polluted air and drinking water by rolling back President Biden’s environmental regulations. 

Donald Trump met with Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky in the Oval Office on Friday to discuss an end to the war with Russia, which Trump said will happen as soon as Zelensky signs over a share of Ukraine’s mineral wealth—and he buys a freakin’ suit.

The U.S. joined Russia to vote against a UN General Assembly resolution condemning Russia’s war against Ukraine—then voted to retroactively condemn Poland for allowing Nazi German to invade it in 1939—while the Social Security Administration closed its Office of Civil Rights and Equal Opportunity, paving the way for more white people.

To document government efficiency, the Office of Personnel Management sent an email to federal employees asking them to list 5 things they accomplished last week with a warning that “Sticking a pin in an Elon Musk voodoo doll” wouldn’t count.

The U.S. Senate voted to confirm election denier Kash Patel as director of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Inquisitions) while Elon Musk pranced around the stage at CPAC wielding a chainsaw to tout his government cost-cutting measures (and his one-of-a-kind idiocy).

House Speaker Mike Johnson is touting Elon Musk who has saved Americans billions of dollars in wasteful spending (and endangered air traffic and food safety) while Donald Trump blames Ukraine for allowing Russia to invade it when they could have easily welcomed their neighbors in for a bowl of borscht and land that doesn’t belong to them.

JD Vance praises neo-Nazis in a speech in Munich, Germany (that did not go well) while Donald Trump asks Supreme Court to let him do anything he wants to anyone in the Executive Branch at any time for any reason whatsoever (that will not go well—for democracy.)

Donald Trump wants to close the Department of Education because it’s expensive and produces a nation of dunces (i.e., his base) while Attorney General Pam Bondi has dropped the corruption charges against NYC Mayor Eric Adams so he can be free to go after the real criminals (i.e., hard-working, tax-paying immigrants).

Donald Trump bans paper straws from the federal government to own the libs (lips?) while Steve Bannon pleads guilty to bilking New Yorkers who donated to Trump’s “We Build the Wall” campaign, using the proceeds to pay the charity’s president hundreds of thousands of dollars and buy himself a closet full of ratty jackets. 

Candidates for national security roles are being asked loyalty questions—answer “yes,” you’re in, answer “no,” you’re locked in a room with RFK, Jr. for 8 hours—while Donald Trump has taken over as Kennedy Center Chairman to bring in a “Golden Age of Art.” (Expect to see high class shows like Russian bears riding unicycles).