1 Minute Political Update

Donald Trump is fulfilling his campaign promise to lower food prices by annexing countries that have great deals on everything from eggs to bread. As for how Americans will get to these countries to save money on groceries, Trump will send every family a coupon booklet.

Donald Trump took crazy to new heights at a press conference at Mar-a-Lago yesterday, claiming that he’s going to change the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America, the Canadian Rockies to the American Rockies, and Don Corleone to Donald Corleone.

Donald Trump met with Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni at Mar-a-Lago over a lunch of fried chicken wings (but only the right wings) while Congress meets to count the electoral votes (praying for a miracle that the November election was all a bad dream). 

Donald Trump blames President Biden’s border policies for everything from the truck attack in New Orleans to Jimmy Carter’s death.

President-elect Donald Trump flip-flops on immigrants coming to America for work (that is, the ones coming to work for Elon Musk) while President Biden praises Jimmy Carter and says that Trump could learn something from the former peanut farmer (like dying).

Donald Trump plans to end the transgender lunacy in our schools by banning all sex change operations at recess while Rudy Guiliani is selling his own brand of coffee that’s good to the last drip (as in hair dye dripping down his face).

President-elect Donald Trump says he’s tired of paying exorbitant fees to Panama for use of their canal and plans to take it back (if he can find the receipt). He also expressed his desire to buy Greenland and remove the woke word “green” from its name.

President-elect Donald Trump is hoping for a government shutdown to take the heat off his horrifying cabinet picks while Fulton Country DA Fani Willis is taken off the Georgia election interference case against Trump for generating heat with the lead prosecutor.

Donald Trump is suing The Des Moines Register for a poll showing him losing to Kamala Harris in Iowa and for removing the Peanuts comic strip while the GOP wants to prosecute Liz Cheney and the J6 Committee for investigating Trump who sent a violent mob to the Capitol so he wouldn’t have to leave office and hang out with Melania.

Polio survivor Senator Mitch McConnell went after potential Health and Human Services head honcho Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., for wanting to ditch the polio vaccine (but McConnell will most likely vote to confirm him because he’ll be dead soon anyway) while ABC News settled a $15 million defamation lawsuit with Trump for calling him an accused rapist versus an accused sexual abuser (a classic case of splitting pubic hairs).