1 Minute Political Update

After being named Person of the Year by Time Magazine (though some thought it was Mad Magazine) Donald Trump was invited to ring the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange where he dressed up like Robin Hood and bragged about stealing from the poor and giving to the rich.

Donald Trump reveals his plan to replace Obamacare with unlimited vouchers for CVS as well as his plan to end the war in Ukraine by introducing Presidents Putin and Zelensky to Howie Mandel who will ask them “Deal or No Deal?”

Donald Trump is intent on pardoning the January 6 rioters whom he claimed were put through a “very nasty system,” aka a trial with attorneys, a jury, and a judge. In addition, he wants to jail the members of the January 6 Committee who treated him “very unfairly” by having Republican members of his administration testify against him. 

Former Missouri Congressman Billy Long—whose claim to fame is being named best auctioneer in the Ozarks seven years in a row—is nominated for IRS Commissioner while Donald Trump is awarded FOX Nations’ Patriot of the Year, beating out Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, and the Capitol rioters.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau schooled Donald Trump on tariffs over a dinner at Mar-a-Lago and then Trump stuck him with the check while Susan Collins believes Pete Hegseth must have a full vetting process before he’s given the keys to the defense department and drives it off a cliff.

President-elect Donald Trump’s pick to run the FBI Kash Patel wants to go after those who helped Joe Biden rig presidential elections (except the last one, which Trump won) while Hunter Biden is pardoned for helping his father rig presidential elections (except for the last one, which Trump won).

Some of President-elect Donald Trump’s Cabinet picks are being threatened with violence, which is a sad state of affairs (and even sadder state of cabinet picks) while Rudy Giuliani tries to postpone his court date to settle what he owes two Georgia poll workers to attend the inauguration of the guy who put him in this pitiful position.

Director of National Intelligence nominee—and Russian propaganda parrot—Tulsi Gabbard gets a big fat “Nyet” from Nikki Haley while Senator Tammy Duckworth finds the selection of Pete Hegseth for Defense Secretary indefensible.

Oklahoma Superintendent of Schools brings Trump bible into classrooms, claiming it will save America from ruin, while Matt Gaetz withdraws as Trump’s AG pick, saving America from ruin (for now).

Dr. Mehmet Oz has been tapped to lead the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (expect those programs to be replaced with a bucket of leeches) while World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon has been chosen to head the Department of Education (expect schools to start teaching classes like Half Nelson 101).