Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer believes it’s better to vote for a flawed GOP-led funding bill that screws average Americans than to let the government shutdown and screw average Americans.

Donald Trump turns the South Lawn of the White House into a Tesla dealership while the Department of Homeland Security hopes a new app will help illegal immigrants will turn themselves in.

While Donald Trump told reporters he remains sanguine about the stock market downturn—despite having no clue what sanguine means— Bernie Sanders was rallying voters in Republican districts to take back their country from the guy who took their country from them and plans to sell it on eBay.

Donald Trump lays down the gender law by stating there are only males and females then adds that if anyone doesn’t like it, they’re free to move their mixed-up sexual butt to Transylvania. 

Donald Trump spoke to a joint session of Congress where he boasted about all his accomplishments, like changing the name of Denali back to Mount McKinley and keeping Americans safe from polluted air and drinking water by rolling back President Biden’s environmental regulations. 

Donald Trump met with Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky in the Oval Office on Friday to discuss an end to the war with Russia, which Trump said will happen as soon as Zelensky signs over a share of Ukraine’s mineral wealth—and he buys a freakin’ suit.

The U.S. joined Russia to vote against a UN General Assembly resolution condemning Russia’s war against Ukraine—then voted to retroactively condemn Poland for allowing Nazi German to invade it in 1939—while the Social Security Administration closed its Office of Civil Rights and Equal Opportunity, paving the way for more white people.

To document government efficiency, the Office of Personnel Management sent an email to federal employees asking them to list 5 things they accomplished last week with a warning that “Sticking a pin in an Elon Musk voodoo doll” wouldn’t count.

The U.S. Senate voted to confirm election denier Kash Patel as director of the FBI (Federal Bureau of Inquisitions) while Elon Musk pranced around the stage at CPAC wielding a chainsaw to tout his government cost-cutting measures (and his one-of-a-kind idiocy).

House Speaker Mike Johnson is touting Elon Musk who has saved Americans billions of dollars in wasteful spending (and endangered air traffic and food safety) while Donald Trump blames Ukraine for allowing Russia to invade it when they could have easily welcomed their neighbors in for a bowl of borscht and land that doesn’t belong to them.