1 Minute Political Update

Volodymyr Zelenskyy met with Donald Trump but failed to hammer out a peace plan—Zelenskyy wanted 50 years of security guarantees, Trump countered with 35 years and renaming the country Donald J. Trump-Ukraine—while the U.S. military is preparing to go to war with Venezuela. (Trump says there will be no land troops, only land sharks.)

After Donald Trump chatted with children on the phone about Santa Claus’ whereabouts as NORAD tracked his sleigh and how Democrats were going to tax their toys, he posted a video about the 2020 elections being stolen and how people should be arrested for treason. (Happy Holidays from hell!)

Speaker Mike Johnson sent the House of Representatives home for the holidays, leaving millions of Americans vulnerable to rising healthcare premiums (lump of coal, anyone?) while the Kennedy Center has been renamed the Trump Kennedy Center (end of days, anyone?). 

In a TV address tonight, Donad Trump may announce America is going to war with Venezuela because of Joe Biden’s open borders while also doubling down on his Truth Social post that film director Rob Reiner died because of the anger he caused over Trump Derangement Syndrome. (Truth Social should be changed to Truth Sociopath.)

Marco Rubio announced the State Department will stop using the Calibri font for official communications—which is easier for visually impaired employees to read—and switch to Times New Roman because if there’s anything Rubio hates more than diversity and inclusion, it’s diverse and inclusive typefaces. 

Marjorie Taylor Greene bashed Donald Trump—who said he never heard of her and if he did hear of her, he wouldn’t like her—while the Trump administration removed Martin Luther King Jr. Day and Juneteenth from the list of free attendance days at national parks, replacing them with Trump’s birthday. (That’s white of them.)

Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy is urging air travelers to dress better and be more civil—cue the laugh track—while Donald Trump has added his name to the U.S. Institute of Peace building. (But it’s not remotely legal as he added it in the middle of the night using an autopen.)

Marco Rubio said more work need to be done to end the Russia-Ukraine war—like forcing Ukraine to give Russia everything it wants—while Donald Trump said he felt good about pardoning former Honduran president and convicted U.S. drug-trafficker Juan Orlando Hernandez because “I like doing nice things for nice people.”

Donald Trump said six Democrats who told the military to refuse illegal orders—like bombing alleged drug boats—should be hanged for seditious behavior (i.e., truth telling) while Karoline Leavitt explained that Trump called a female reporter “piggy” because he’s open and honest (unlike Joe Biden who wanted to call female reporters “piggy” but was too senile and called them “Ziggy”).

A federal court blocked Texas’ gerrymandering plan to add five GOP House seats as it was racially motivated—"Don’t mess with the Constitution”—while Florida Rep. Maria Salazar defended Donald Trump who called a female reporter “piggy,” saying he made a simple error in pronunciation. (The reporter’s name is Catherine.)