Donald Trump commuted the 7-year sentence of George Santos who was convicted of wire fraud and identity theft—guess it’s okay to put American criminals back on the street—while “No Kings” protests across the U.S. caused Trump to post a video of himself in a plane dumping feces on crowds below. (He’s putting the “dick” in dictator.)

Bigoted messages, including “I like Hitler,” were discovered in Young Republican chat groups and JD Vance dismissed them—"Boys from Brazil will be boys”—while Republicans are calling tomorrow’s “No Kings” protests “Hate America” rallies. (Their classiness never ceases to amaze.) 

Speaker Mike Johnson said he’ll rally world leaders to nominate Donald Trump for next year’s Nobel Peace Prize—could his nose get any browner?—while Trump hated his photo on the cover of this weeks’ Time Magazine, calling it the “worst of all time,” which, coincidentally, is apropos of his presidency.

Speaker Mike Johnson says Republicans have a plan for better, cheaper healthcare for the American people but they’d have to move to Europe to get it while Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu says no one has done more to stay out of prison than him and Donald Trump.

RFK, Jr. claimed circumcision causes autism due to infants being given Tylenol to ease the pain—and you didn’t think he could get any loonier—while Donald Trump was so angry he didn’t receive the Nobel Peace Prize that he’s threatening Norway with 50% tariffs on all Fjord Trucks.

Donald Trump says not all furloughed federal workers will get back pay after the government reopens—Spoiler alert: only the Republican ones will—while James Comey seeks to have his perjury case dropped to due vindictive prosecution to which Trump replied: “I don’t have a vindictive bone in my body…only vindictive bone spurs.”

Republicans are furious with Democrats who still won’t vote for a budget, which means the government will run out of money—except for Congress’s pay and Trump’s ballroom—while the Treasury Department plans to mint a commemorative $1 coin with a likeness of Trump on one side and his bankrupted casinos on the other.

The government shut down when Democrats voted against the continuing budget resolution—Dems want healthcare for Americans, GOP wants healthy rich people—while Bad Bunny will be the Super Bowl halftime headliner. The opening act will be ICE agents performing a scene from The Treasure of Sierra Madre. (“Badges, we don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”)

At a meeting of U.S. military leaders, Pete Hegseth focused on personal grooming, specifically no beards and no fat generals (that should put fear into our enemies) while Donald Trump’s tariffs have cost farmers billions in soybean sales. (Farmers still support Trump, saying they’re honored to be put out of business by a serial failed businessman.)

The Supreme Court ruled that Donald Trump doesn’t have to spend billions in foreign aid approved by Congress, which goes against the Constitution (they must not have read that section), while the government is expanding programs to help the coal industry, which will expedite climate change (but won’t kill birds like windmills do).