What We Leave Behind - 11 Ideas to Make You a Better Dad

We recently had some house guests. They brought their 15 month old daughter. It’s been a long time since we had a baby in the house. But you never forget things: how little they sleep; how much they have to say. 

I enjoyed telling the new Dad a few things. Like once you teach them to walk and talk, you’ve lost all control of the asylum. He looked at me like I’d eaten too much paste as a kid. He’ll learn. 

 

Time is moving slowly for them right now. Long days; short nights. But it will change soon. In my experience, life moves slow at an extremely rapid pace.

““Life moves slow at a very rapid pace””

A different friend recently attended his annual Donuts with Dads. Each child was asked to name ten things they love about their Dad. Number two on his kid’s list was “My Dad has lots of homeless friends”. Wow. Personally I don’t have any homeless friends. And that’s where the story begins.

 

My daughter was in first grade. I was busy kicking, fighting, scratching and clawing through my career. She was asked to color a picture of what makes her Mommy & Daddy happy. My sweet little girl colored a picture of my wife arranging flowers (left). And she colored a picture of me sitting in the passenger window of a Delta jet. The caption was “My Daddy is happy when he is on airplanes”. Ouch. Sometimes God will use the voices (or Crayons) of other people to speak to us.

 

This picture is framed and has been on my desk for 15 years.

Here's the problem. Everyone wants to know why people act the way they do. But few people are ever willing to look at their own behavior. 

Why do I do the things I do? 

And who am I doing them for?

We cannot see our own blind spots. It’s like trying to see the back of your head after getting a jacked-up haircut for $9 at Supercuts. Or like Cheryl not realizing that it was just lightning that burned down her She-Shed. C’mon, Cheryl. 

 

But kids are observant. Extremely observant. They see us exactly as we are. Warts and all. It’s easy to get focused on the prize and forget that they are always watching. Always learning. Always listening. Cause no matter how much of a tool your Dad was, you always worshipped him. You probably still do.

In our minds we are all the coolest Dad on the planet. We all want Alan Jackson to sing about us.

Just an old half-ton short-bed Ford

My uncle bought new in '64

Daddy got it right 'cause the engine was smoking

Couple of burnt valves and he had it going

The worst Dads on the planet wanna be that Dad. I wanna be that Dad. Even though I couldn’t fix a burnt valve with “some pliers and a case of 30-weight ball bearings”. I still wanna be that Dad. Fine tuning that short-bed Ford pickup.

 

Drive (for Daddy Gene) is still one of my favorite songs. And you can watch Alan Jackson sing it live at the Grand Ole Opry here (2019). 

We all think we are decent human beings. Until we hear about a Dad who “has lots of homeless friends”. The two Dad stories provide a fascinating contrast. 

We often compare ourselves to the worst Dad we know. The guy who got caught with his pants down. The guy who left the kids and ran off with the Secretary. The guy who sends the kids a box of Hickory Farms smoked meats and cheeses at Christmas. “I’m not as bad as that guy.” Not the best measuring stick, my friend.

 

Up before dawn, Dressing in the dark. Coffee on the run. Expertly navigating Monday morning before daylight. Dodging the lines with children-and other uninitiated folks. Clearing TSA with surgical precision. Knowing the right bathrooms. And hoping for the Shakespeare seat (2B). Jangling metal tags. Super big time. 

He let me drive here when we'd haul off a load

Down a dirt strip where we'd dump trash off of Thigpen Road

Sit up in the seat and stretch my feet out to the pedals

Smiling like a hero that just received his medal

Up before dawn. Dressing in the dark. Coffee on the run. Expertly navigating Monday morning before daylight. Reaching the kitchen. Cracking hundreds of eggs. The smell of fresh brewed coffee and bacon in the air. Toast for days.  Navigating the gathering crowd with surgical precision. Reaching out; but for the grace of God. Super Big Time. 

Some might say that seeing me run all over hell’s half acre was a good lesson for my daughter. Mission accomplished, I guess. The velocity of life, and all.  I guess that’s one of the panes in my window.

But like a roller coaster, sometimes you don’t realize how fast you are moving until it stops. And everything around you keeps moving. And you hear someone’s kid say “my Daddy has lots of homeless friends”. In an instant, we go from jet setting business mogul, metal tags jangling…. to self-absorbed, travel Dad who chooses work over family. Ouch. From the mouth of babes and sucklings, I guess.  

It was just an old hand-me-down Ford

With three-speed on the column and a dent in the door

A young boy two hands on the wheel

I can't replace the way it made me feel

This is one of the great challenges of man. Managing the many obstacles of growing a family, building a career, making a good income, being a half-decent spouse and not ending up on some “Dad Fail” Instagram post. And trying to keep your chin just about the water line, so as to keep from drowning. And trying to hold fast to the last vestiges of your dreams

““Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and die with their song still inside them” 

Henry David Thoreau ”

It’s a tall order. We must be mindful that the best things in life aren’t things. And we don’t stay where we are for long. Life moves slow at an incredibly high rate of speed.

And I would press that clutch

And I would keep it right

And he'd say, a little slower son you're doing just fine

Just a dirt road with trash on each side

But I was Mario Andretti

When Daddy let me drive

Let me say that nobody is crying a river for Dads. Nobody is ever gonna feel sorry for Dad or even Grand Dad. There is more empathy for incarcerated Terrorists than there is for Dads. 

Fortunately Pop culture has been improving the Dad image. We’ve migrated from Phil Dunfey, Homer Simpson and Al Bundy. We now have Jack Pearson (This is Us), Ned Stark (GOT) and Eric Taylor (Friday Night Lights). Good Dads with their heads screwed on straight. 

 

I'm grown up now three daughters of my own

To let them drive my old Jeep across a pasture in our home

Maybe one day they'll reach back in their file

And pull out that old memory

And think of me and smile

I’m not suggesting you should quit your day-job and move to a tent city in San Francisco. I am suggesting that we can all strive to be better people. The modern day Lucius Quinctius Cincinnatus, the common farmer who became a legendary figure of Roman virtue. So what are the things we can do to ensure we are moving in the right direction?  Here are a few ideas:

Create Memories

My good friend Rob once told me that that he exists for one purpose: “to create memories for my kids”. I wrote it down and try to constantly look for opportunities to do small things that create big memories. Sometimes the best memories come in small doses. In the simplest of experiences we are building something that will last well beyond our limited time on earth: memories.  

Selfie Check

My friend Scott has a family tradition. It serves everyone’s purpose. Mom and Dad want to know the kids are safe. Kids want any excuse to take a selfie. So anyone in the family has the freedom at any time to simply text “selfie check” to the family. Everyone has five minutes to return a selfie of what they’re doing.  It’s a great way to make sure everyone is safe and to stay connected when you aren’t together. 

Be a Contributing Member of Society

Work was given as a gift to us. We weren't made to sit around and do nothing.  Look, if your idea of a productive day involves a remote control, it’s time to take inventory. Kids watch us. And if you are sleeping in past the time they get up for school, you’re as useless as a screen door on a submarine. 

Create a Family Playlist

My brother in law, Jeff Smith, only asked for one thing on his last birthday He set up a Spotify Playlist called Favorite Songs. He added his 15 favorite tunes. Then he asked each family member to add their 15 favorites. He now has a playlist of his family’s 60 favorite tunes in one Play List. Pretty cool.

Practice Generosity

At the end of the day I empty my change and any one dollar bills into a jar. It adds up. Every year on Christmas Eve, my daughter and I visit Starbucks. We take over the store and spend all that money. For a few hours we covertly buy a cup of coffee for every patron that walks through the door. The looks on their faces is worth the investment. Here’s a photo from our fav barista a few years ago. 

 

Live a Healthy Life

Part of setting a good example is taking good care of yourself. Put down the cheeseburger.

Have a Spiritual Life

Life is hard enough. Teaching your children about faith in something greater than ourselves is our greatest lesson. 

Treat People with Respect

Just do it. No explanation necessary. (see also: “Don’t Be a Jerk”)

 

Speak to Strangers

One of my favorite things to do is ask total strangers, “how is your day going so far? It’s a simple ask. For me it’s a great way to engage strangers. For my kid it’s a lesson in kindness. 

 

Original artwork by John P. Weiss (www.johnpweiss.com)

Share Your Spiritual Gifts 

Do your children know what your spiritual gifts and talents are? My wife is an outstanding florist. Truly an artist with flowers. And flowers bring her joy. But she refuses to charge anyone for them. She simply reserves her talent for God and for her closest friends when they need her: weddings, funerals, etc. She will admit, “I only do flowers for people that I love.” That way it remains calming and enjoyable—and not a job. Showing your children your spiritual gifts is a great way to set the example for your kids.  

Teach Your Kids About Work

Multiple generations of the same family enter into the same profession: law enforcement, fire prevention, petty theft, medicine, law, teaching, etc.

So teach your kids about what you do while they’re in school. Who knows, they may end up having a passion for what you do. 
 

So that’s it. A few tips to make you a better human. For me these few things are a lot easier than trying to find the valves in a half-ton, short-bed truck. And in a few years we’ll all be riding in driverless cars anyway:

Just a dirt road with trash on each side

But I was Elon Musk

When Daddy let me program the auto-drive feature from the backseat at dusk….