My name is [name] and I am 52 years old. My sister is hosting an 80th birthday party for my mom and I don’t want to go. My mother has never made it a priority to attend any significant family milestone events in my life, including my oldest daughter’s wedding last week. We lived within 50 minutes of each other for 18 years as I raised my five children and she never attended one of their baby blessings, baptisms, concerts, performances, and even some of her own birthday parties that I planned and had at my house. She would often cancel coming over for our family Christmas or Easter parties an hour before the event. My children would get so excited to see Grandma and then be totally disappointed when she wouldn’t show. I have good, well behaved kids. It has nothing to do with behavior on their part. I have never been able to be open and honest with my mom about things she has done that has hurt me or my kids. I was never allowed to “talk back” or act sad or go against her ideas when I was growing up. To this day I can’t say, “you hurt my feelings when you didn’t show up for your birthday party.” Or “I don’t want to come because you don’t ever support me or any of my siblings when we have important milestones” because if I do, she will hang up on me or fall apart and then gossip about me to other family members. She has never ever said she was wrong about something. I always act very kind and respectful to my mom, even when she has done really bad things to me or my husband. When I look back on my life, it seems that she always acted on her best interests instead of her 5 children’s or husbands. (She has had 5 husbands) She has hurt me so many times on so many levels and I feel like at this point in my life, I just can’t take it anymore. I have Zero courage at all to call her out on ANYTHING.

I think it is important to be a supportive family member and having an 80th birthday is a big deal, but I just feel really resentful and don’t want to make the 1,100 mile trip to attend the party and if I did go, it would be out of total guilt. Am I obligated to go?

I have listened to your show for a few years now and respect your insight on family matters. I have many childhood hangups and have mastered the art of doing the opposite of what my mother has done with her life, but I am so surprised at how she still has such a pull on me.

Thank you so much for your consideration, I would love to talk to you if you have the time.

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