Strap in folks, it's a Total Eclipse of the Thought as we dive into our favorite astronomical conspiracy theories surrounding today's so-called "Solar Eclipse":

Why is NASA doing cool stuff and why does it sound like they're writing a nasty doom metal album?

Please ask God to stop screaming numbers into my ear I'm right here

The real conspiracy is that there's no conspiracy but they are going to steal your stuff when you look at the eclipse.

Did you know that the Eclipse's path of totality is crossing the Bible Belt and passing through 43 towns named Bethlehem?

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Feeble Little Horse- Chores