You don’t have to be alone to feel lonely. Loneliness is a sense of internal isolation which serves as protection. Instead of opening up and sharing your feelings, you retreat because it feels safer. This not only disconnects you from others, but also from yourself. True connection requires vulnerability, which is uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do. You probably feel something is wrong with you, so you put a lot of energy into pretending you’re ok. You wear your “party face,” but feel detached because you have abandoned yourself. No one would suspect you’re lonely because you do such a good job of hiding it, which isolates you even more.

Let’s say you threw a party over the holidays and 20 people came, but you felt lonely and disconnected the whole time. The thought of interacting felt draining because you would have to pretend to enjoy yourself. As you watched others chit chat, you felt even more distance between you and them. You started to wonder why everyone else could have a good time, but not you. What’s wrong with you? Even though you were surrounded by people in a festive atmosphere, you felt terribly alone.

Loneliness isn’t about what other people aren’t giving you. It’s your fear of connection and lack of self-worth. This can keep you stuck your whole life without understanding what you’re doing to create it. It isn’t an external problem that more friends or different social circles will solve; it’s an internal one. The first step in combating loneliness is to admit you’re lonely, and accept it as YOUR responsibility. Then it’s about digging deeper into your feelings of unworthiness and that desire to hide out. The next time you feel yourself withdrawing, take active steps to connect with someone. It may be the last thing you want to do, but vulnerable connection is the antidote to loneliness.