7lb Lobsters

We may all be down but we're not out of the tank just yet, claw nation. This episode serves as a testament to our community's resilience during times that are as trying as they are stupid. Man, times sure are stupid, though. And now we don't even have Dick Cheney to kick around anymore! Say what you will about the dearly departed Dick, but you gotta admit: he's dead and we're not. The same goes for St. Charles K*rk too. These things (deaths) tend to come in threes, right? There's gotta be one more prominent republican out there who would immediately make the world a better place if they left it. Hmmm…there's gotta be…somebody…HMMM…

Anyway, while we try to think of whomever the hell that could possibly happen to be, go ahead and listen to us catch up on everything that's happened in 2025 so far, including the release of the new Nintendo Switch 2 and the discovery that Gen Z men are almost exclusively a bunch of Shinjis. You'll get that reference if you listen to this show, though not if you listen to this particular episode, because we don't bring up Shinji once. We do actually talk about sports in this one though, even if it's mainly how they relate to gambling. But sports are in here and hopefully we can talk about Shinji next time.

Also, we're hooked on Blew-Chu (that's exactly how it's spelled, I believe) and if you listen to this episode you'll hear our exclusive discount code for their product at least 6-7 times.

Right now, the most fun thing about living in this country is that we have to do it every day, and that's something we wouldn't wish on our worst immigrants. Plus it turns out that all immigrants are our worst immigrants because we're fucking stupid. This is America, alright? We believe in God, A.I. generated images of Jesus being crucified (again!) by various non-white denizens of other countries, and non-stop rampant widespread crime that happens to all white Christians in every city in every state whenever they leave their houses to go to church. We love our country. It's a terrible place. And ain't no immigrants ever gonna take it from us.

Unless of course they're Elon Musk.

Get your ass back in the tank for another red-hot instant classic episode of 7lb. Lobsters! Be sure to listen all the way to the end for a riveting sports discussion/exciting new listener-consumer opportunity! God is ALIVE and He wants YOU to listen to OUR show! Don't let Him down now! HE'S TOO REAL AND TOO WHITE TO HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENT OF ANY KIND!

Happy 2025, claw nation! At least, it would be, if we weren't about to endure another four to the rest of our lives' worth of years under the rule of a very dry, very old, and very emboldened President Donald Trump. We want to make it clear that we do not endorse the new old president or any of his actions, especially after his refusal to grant us entry into his big inauguration party (and after-party) after he received several very generous and very desperate donations from our podcast. Donations which were only made because we got our claws on his inauguration's guest list and saw that it included a veritable bevy of other, far inferior podcasters, all of whom host a veritable heap of other, far inferior podcasts, and all of whom will now have a chance at shaping a veritable slew of other, far inferior global policies than we ever would! Ah, well, it is what it is. Grab yourself a Tall-Ass can of Angry Lobster (if your state still carries it) and crack 'er open because, unfortunately, we're just getting started. Trump may be back, but so are we, and we'll bet ClawCoins to donuts that 7lb Lobsters is gonna outlast him just like it's outlasted every other failure to arise in its wake. The secret to our longevity? Well, we're not just America's only podcast anymore. We're America's only legitimate institution. And if you are a member of our great claw nation, we will always - ALWAYS - have your back.

Drink Angry Lobster. Now available in Tall-Ass cans if you live in one of the ever-changing handful of states where it's still legal!

We committed so much voter fraud for Joe Biden in 2020 because he promised us he'd leave forever after he served as president for one term. That was the deal. He was only going to be president for one term. Then, in 2023, with his approval ratings lower than ever, he announced that he would in fact run for president for a second term, breaking his promise to the American people, and more importantly, us. Then, in 2024, after his approval ratings sunk even lower, he challenged Donald Trump to a presidential debate, and Trump accepted. The rest, as they say, is the end of history. Join three young white men on their podcast as they attempt to diagnose the mental illnesses plaguing younger, whiter men who spend all of their time looksmaxxing and listening to other podcasts that make them go out and vote for Trump. Now, thanks to the terminal insecurity of these young male zoomers and the raw power of Generation X's lead-laced brains, Trump will be our next president. Again.

You did it, Joe. This one's for you.

The boys are back after an emotionally taxing summer for both lobster nation and the regular nation. It is a well-known fact to all lobster-heads that we are notorious swing fraudsters who will willingly commit amazing amounts of voter fraud for whichever presidential candidate's party pays us more, and once again, Nancy P. and her good-time gang of evil Demon-Rats are coughing up more cash from the DNC's deep coffers for us to fake it 'til Kamala makes it this year. We sure as hell hope we're up to the task because Biden didn't go down without a fight, and Trump - for whatever reason - refuses to go down at all for what's been nearly half of our lives now. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ, somebody please stop this. Three fucking election cycles in a row. Please, for the love of God, Jesus fucking Christ. This is exhausting. We are exhausted. Fuck. FUCK! We do talk about sports in this episode since there were a lot of sports to cover this summer. Not the Olympics though. The Olympics aren't sports. The Olympics are insanely boring nerd shit. Until this summer, I genuinely had no idea so many of you watched the Olympics. And, like, cared about them. Like, you'll willingly watch them on TV for hours at a time and just be riveted. They've made movies, you know. They've made TV shows, too. There are even real sports to watch! Because in America, politics are the realest sports of all, and that's what we discuss in this episode. Sports.

We take the tank down from a blistering boil to a soulful simmer as the Brothers Lobster contemplate the historical moment we're living through. You know, the one where we've all gone insane in a profoundly antisocial way and no one is coming to save us.

Unless, of course, we finally pull the trigger and implement the Biden Instrumentation Project.

Do you want to become one with Joe Biden? To be of one mind and Biden and soul? It's something that feels really good. Come on, man. Relax and release your soul to Biden, Jack! Our ice cream cones will meld together!

No sports this episode.

In our first installment for 2024, we return to the tank to take a look at everything that's been plaguing our weak and stupid nation as of late: the pirate crisis at the border, the reduction of Rogue's once robust cake in the new X-Men series, the proliferation of A.I. across all of our beloved forms of media, the ruinous effect the internet has on the brains of boomers everywhere, and finally, the worst important election of our lifetimes.

It's a new year filled with unspeakable horrors ahead, but Connor, Mike and Ray will be here to ride it out with you. This tank takes no prisoners. In fact, it forcibly ejects them whenever they're supposed to be on trial for any one of their 98 indictments.

SIDENOTE: We did not get around to talking about sports in this episode, but we will in the next one.

Take a break from all of the nationwide record-breaking heatwaves and come cool off with the boys in the tank for a breakdown of this summer's biggest bombs, biggest Barbies, and biggest blockbuster budgets! ALSO: Can any one of the increasing amount of challenges we have to face be overcome or are we all just too tired? Find out right motherfucking now on this veritable futurelessness-arama of an episode of 7-motherfucking-lb Lobsters, motherfucker!

This month's episode is all about basketball as we head into Game One of the NBA Finals. And you know what? It's another banger. Better butter up these lobsters because they're on a roll.

The boys are back in the tank to settle the raging debate that's so thoroughly gripped our fragile nation: Is the new Super Mario Bros. movie woke – or not?

Surprises are in store as old questions get new answers, old answers raise new questions, and no new answer goes oldly unquestioned in our most important and topical and timely and urgent and contemporary and important and relevant and important episode to date! It's a Super Mario Bros. super show, and it's all happening right here, right now, on 7 fucking lb fucking Lobsters!