7lb Lobsters

This episode is our Black Panther.

Mike's internet kept going in and out on this one.

It would appear that the scientific fact of planets revolving around the sun in elliptical orbits has finally come back to haunt us. That opening sentence will either make more or less sense when you listen to the episode. The big takeaway is we're all just going around in circles until we die, and frankly, it's starting to get to us. At the very least, we'll have some fantastic entertainment on our cyclical path to imminent demise. And the more zonked out we can get on alcohol, adderall, or saturated fats, the more we can enjoy films like The Matrix 4, or Ted 3, the second of which we make a case for to both Hollywood and Seth MacFarlane here. But we need you to donate to our Kickstarter or Patreon or GoFundMe or whatever to make Ted 3 happen, which you will do because what the hell else are you gonna do? Something else? Don't make us laugh. That's what Ted 3 is for.

America is more of a developing nation than a developed nation at this point, but hey, at least we're getting out of Afghanistan and back into horse semen, or whatever it is the boomers are injecting into themselves instead of the COVID vaccine. And by the way, it would have been nice to have been compensated for injecting the COVID vaccine into ourselves for all of us who already did it, especially when we could have been injecting more harmful stuff like horse semen instead. But we can't be too bitter when we still have America's only developed podcast, and you won't be too bitter when you listen to our banger of a movie pitch that only needs millions of your hard-earned dollars to finance. You can give us those dollars on our Patreon, and don't worry, we have incentives for you to do so. After all, our supply of horse semen isn't just gonna give away and inject itself!

COVID is back on the rise, Congress can't agree on anything, and our beautiful billionaires are jetting off to space with beautiful boys. But let's not let any of those things distract us from why we're all here: the long-awaited Space Jam: A New Legacy just dropped in theaters (and on HBO Max, watch it now on HBO Max) this weekend. Of course, we all saw it in advance and we're gonna give you the full rundown of our exclusive Warner Bros. Galaxy Premiere experience, as well as our thoughts on the film itself. This is the one you've been waiting for, and no, you won't listen to a better podcast this year. See you on the court.

[originally recorded December 17, 2014]

Great news, lobster freaks! We recently recovered an episode long believed to be deleted as part of a major data breach the tank suffered in December of 2014 at the hacking hands of the Guardians of the Galaxy. Or Guardians of Peace, whatever.

Our major data breach was not unlike the major data breach Sony also suffered around the same time, which ultimately resulted in them pulling the unforgettable timeless classic James Franco-Seth Rogen satire "The Interview" from theaters.

Fun fact: The Sony data breach was also caused by the hacking hands of the Guardians of the Peace of the Galaxy guys. Or was it? Listen to this long-lost episode – recorded just one week after our famous "Our Week with Barry" episode wherein we interviewed then-president Barack Obama* - to find out!

*this episode was actually deleted in the major data breach and as of this date has not been recovered

We want to send our kids to Iraq, not Pride.

Another hit episode brought to you by Raytheon, Northrop Grumman, Lockheed Martin, Nabisco, Nestle, Walmart, Target Corporation, Google, WarnerMedia, Halliburton, Disney, Amazon, Facebook, Anheuser-Busch, Restaurant Brands International, McDonald's, Hasbro, SEAL Team Six, Pepperidge Farm, Chik-fil-A, World Wrestling Entertainment Inc., Imperial Tobacco, Spotify, Tesla, Navient, Frito-Lay, The Coca-Cola Company, PepsiCo, Doctor's Associates Inc., Bristol Myers Squibb, Abbott Laboratories, Purdue Pharma, Yum! Brands, Yum China, Microsoft, Dow Chemical, Sony, Apple, Chevron, ExxonMobil, Royal Dutch Shell, Daddy's Little Satans, NBCUniversal, Comcast, the NBA, and our Patreon.

Donate to our Patreon: www.patreon.[REDACTED]/7lblobsters.

The tank is turning up this week to celebrate the twentieth anniversary of Shrek, one of the most beloved and important animated films of all time. We all share our own stories about how experiencing Quibi founder Jeffrey Katzenberg's uncompromising vision for the first time on May 18, 2001 changed us forever and made us believers, along with the rest of our generation and animated cinema itself. A course is charted through the four Shrek films that would see theatrical release and we reveal many Shrek secrets along the way, culminating in the reveal that we recently received an official copy of the unproduced script for Shrek 5 (or 5hrek 5 per the script's authorless title page), and recap it for you, our loyal listeners! It's a huge boon to all of us ogre-achievers who are still out there and a distinct honor to share this Shrek-citing piece of unmade movie magic with our entire 7lb army in honor of the big green guy's big green birthday. Yes, it's hard to believe that 20 years have passed since Shrek first graced the silver screen, but this episode proves beyond a shadow of a doubt all that still glitters is still gold, and it only took a film like Shrek to break the mold.

[originally recorded March 14, 2016] Wow, do we ever have a special surprise in store for you this week, Claw Nation! That's right - we're finally legally allowed to release the infamous "Connor's Dead Girlfriend" episode from the tank! As any avid lobster listener will tell you, this slice of 7lb history aired only once before on March 14, 2016 as part of our annual 24 Hours of Lobsters livestream on Twitch and was immediately taken down due to the ongoing investigation into the murder of Connor's dead girlfriend. Now after five long years, we are pleased to announce to the world that this investigation has officially become a cold-case, and is no longer being worked by any law enforcement agencies operating within the United States of America! So while we may never uncover the true identity of Connor's dead girlfriend's murderer, we can now at least listen to the episode where we all found out Connor's dead girlfriend was murdered - and that sounds like justice to us! And justice to us justice is justice for you, our loyal listeners. Thank you for supporting our show and for all of the contributions you've made to the Connor's Dead Girlfriend Patreon over the years.

Speaking of which, the Connor's Dead Girlfriend Patreon will not be entering cold-case files. It's still going strong and always ready to take any leads or donations you may have, or just donations. Leads are ultimately no longer necessary as the investigation has entered cold-case files. Please donate* to the Connor's Dead Girlfriend Patreon today! *money only please, waffles are not and have never been an acceptable form of donation

(we're still looking at you, Belgium)

Nobody watches the Oscars anymore and rightly so. It is a strange ceremony that should not be taken seriously. Donald Trump understands this and that's why he's a blogger now. Still, he's fallen pretty far, and it would have been better for us not to mention him since the value of his name can taint the value of our brand. Our brand is worth almost as much as the Chadwick Boseman NFT given out to all 2021 Oscar nominees if you needed any further evidence that the Oscars are a strange ceremony that should not be taken seriously. Anyway, this is a great episode! Listen to it twice if you can! And you will!