Join Dr. Greg to discuss non-monogamy, what it is and whether it works on today’s episode of A Better Love.
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Transcript:
…today we’re talking about non-monogamy and since it’s the first time we’re talking about it here, I’ll start with a broader framework that I consider when thinking about couples I’ve worked with who were non-monogamous. I’ve got a book recommendation at the end of the episode as well, so let’s dive into it.
I want to start by clarifying my cultural views and biases on this topic as a way to acknowledge that each of us has our own values and belief systems. When you work with a couples therapist, it’s totally relevant to ask about their work with open relationships and polyamorous couples to date and their overall view of healthy relationships as it relates to these forms of love.
I was raised in a somewhat socially conservative family which has obviously evolved over time on a range of subjects. However, there really wasn’t an option except for monogamy in my home as much as I’m sure for many of you, monogamy remains the dominant strain of romantic relationships in the world. Non-monogamous relationships account for only about 1-4% of romantic relationships.
My views of non-monogamy have evolved with my training and clinical experience, though admittedly my work with non-monogamous couples is slim. There are probably lots of reasons for that including barriers to care that involve stigma and overall a lack of funding for research of non-monogamous couples to build out our foundation of knowledge and training in the field.
So here are three points I want to be clear about:
There are, in fact, many healthy non-monogamous relationships in the world.
I believe it's productive to view our relationships as social constructions, agreements between two or more people that are chosen freely and without coercion.
I believe that core healthy relationship skills are equally necessary for all versions of romance, love, partnership, friendship, etc.
I’d say for most of us who were raised to view monogamy as the only choice, that monogamy will likely be the easiest choice to make and, relationship skills being equal, would lead to fewer friction points, adjustment difficulties, and the like. The bottom line here is: you can suck at relationships regardless of whether you’re monogamous or not, you can be a disaster doing the most traditional thing ever, the rules might be different but living the rules with trust, commitment, persistent attention, emotional connection, good conflict management, they’re all equally powerful in determining the health of your love.
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