it’s easy to feel like you’re broke:(

i’ve come to the conclusion that i’m not living a life the way other people are living theirs…. because i don’t have any debt and i don’t see myself going into debt until i buy a house or new car hopefully.

it’s so hard always comparing yourself to other people and wanting to do more but at the end of the day you can only focus on yourself and the goals you have for yourself and stop thinking oh because they are doing that and i want to do that i should do that

i’m having a hard time learning to stop overspending and being frivolous with money and expenses and it’s really hard to realize how much i previously consumed

beauty is crazy with getting my nails done and my hair done constantly

food and drinks like coffee i was obsessed with coffee

clothes is the worst i felt like every season i needed to get new clothes when in reality i just needed more sustainable clothes that lost longer and are better quality and that if they fit they are fine you don’t need new new new

but i think the kicker is i needed to find ways to enjoy my life and things without spending money which i say like ive conquered but in all honesty i’m still trying to figure that out!

our world is scary and i keep reading these articles about gen z amd credit cards and i saw this podcast talking about credit and how the idea that you need to have a small balance on your card to have good credit is a myth to get people to rack up interest i started realizing everything we do is building up a bad thing

social media and pop culture is very delusional in a sense if that makes any…. nothing is what it truly is and in turn when you think about it big influencers and celebrities while making money normal people could never even think about it receive free things constantly making that unattainable lifestyle even MORE unattainable!!

i keep saying i need to leave social media for a little time but i never actually do it i think with pluto moving into aquarius and the state of elon musks twitter it might actually happen this time.

and i’m excited to see what that allows me to discover and to document it on here!

thanks for listening always!

niki demar demartino rant

In the country of the land of the free it seems like those in power are slowing trying to move us to become the opposite. I understand why we have structure and laws in place and how many of them are to protect society. But at what point do we look around and see that the way people are policed is becoming controlling and unnecessary. It was hard for me to even make the point about protecting society because guns aren’t policed nearly as much as it seems those in power want to restrict women’s reproductive rights and peoples rights to embraces one’s sexuality and cross dress as a career. i felt broken down after roe v wade got overturned but now i’m just baffled. to see people go after the divine nine, marriage equality, and try to bring back laws and things that were so divisive is eye opening governors like Glenn Youngkin are asking for history to be rewritten but in the same breath trying to recreate the history that created these things that they want children to not learn about. I’m scared and disappointed. As a young adult in a not really but it seems like most people look at it like a post pandemic world i feel like shit most days tbh run down and sad by our capitalist society. This year i found my love for drag and RuPaul’s Drag Race a community that is so loving and accepting and allows people to be uplifted and have fun and just live in the world that honestly i wish i lived in instead of this one. I am scared for what’s next. I want people to focus on finding things that they love and putting their energy into that. Instead of attacking people who are in their light who are living their lives and not hurting anyone. Whether you like it or not America is a mixing bowl full of different races ethnicities political views and sexuality’s. And to try to change that instead of embracing that does a disservice for the people who just want to be.

Thanks for listening. If you don’t like something? Don’t watch it. But just because you don’t like it that doesn’t mean no one else should be able to do it especially if it’s not hurting or harming anyone. Because remember, one day they could decide to come after what or who you love too. How would the shoe feel on the other foot? Someone telling you you can’t marry your partner, do your job, learn what you what to learn, say what you are or want to say? Just my two cents on the current political climate… Again thanks for listening :)

okay it wasn’t actually hard to watch but it was disappointing. the idea of joe being stalked back was actually really interesting and especially by someone who is killing people similarly to how he did. the idea that joe became two people and would snap out of consciousness because of like trauma and experiencing so much death makes sense but also in the same way kind of invalidates who he was from day one i don’t know it seemed like in the first seasons he was killing to get closer to someone to move the obstacles and allow that person to pretty much be isolated so they have to turn to him which i guess he is still doing in season four so maybe they felt that was too repetitive and felt they had to include the made up scenarios and talking and people in his head it just felt like a lead up to a let down and i was shocked to hear that there would be a fifth season honestly i love british culture but i feel like it was so boring this season i really enjoyed season three because i feel like it got the town down to a tee the personalities and how people would act in that situation it created the perfect amount of chaos and again the reactions always seemed on par this season everything was like monotone and boring and it almost seemed like no one cared that people were dying i feel like there was a focus on the wrong people and it just kind of made me wish someone else was on screen the entire time also justice for marianne like that whole storyline was so so so sad anyways i feel like i enjoyed the first set of episodes a lot more than the second set and im honestly not very excited for season five? hopefully that’s good to have low expectations and be pleasantly surprised if it’s good? what did you all think thanks for listening!!!

Stans are groups of people and thats what makes them succeed if that makes sense. I think about One Direction, BTS Army, Barbz, Beyhive its a collective people working together in the name of the people they support. They believe that these people are the best people in the world and they do whatever they can to support them. I understand why the show focussed on one person for depth and consistency, but in actuality in a world where there is a psycho stan killing people for disrespecting their fave they would be tweeting about or in groupchats talking about and being egged on by other fans. They would be meeting up with people they met online at concerts. They would most likely be stanning someone who gives them something or allows them to feel something they don’t feel elsewhere in their life, they would be writing fanfiction, posting updates, having an account dedicated to them with a bunch of followers, etc. I feel this was glossed over. I feel once her friendship with Maurissa, which was bonded over by Nija , ended in that manner, she would have filled that void with people online. 

The show made me very uncomfortable. I think it was just very unrealistic. As an obsessive person, it made me feel I don’t give a shit about celebrities which is good and probably true but I was just like no one would ever care this much. I feel most fans are just happy to like something they don’t really care about what anyone else thinks about it but maybe that’s just me?Representation at what cost? Donald Glover has a history of kind of l negatively depicting black women in his work and i think this show does the same. I think it is cool to see a black woman being the killer instead of killing but at what cost you know she is also depicted as crazy. I feel stan culture often gets a bad rep because its mostly women who are apart of it. Although men have things they get obsessive and literally violent and emotion over more often like sports and you never see that depicted id love to see a second season of this show attack that in a perfect world. I just hate stereotypes personally and i think donald glover loves them. I don’t know much about beyonce i am a casual fan for sure but i do know that i feel this show tried to depict barb behavior for beyonce and it just didnt quite make sense. It was harder to understand dre’s obsession with nija because like beyonce she is pretty private. I kind of get the she knows what im thinking type of idea but not really its just really weak in my opinion. Barbz make sense not in the way that they are all crazy but again in the manner that i feel like they would feel powerful and like they are doing the right thing. Because Nicki Minaj is always online she is always speaking to her followers on twitter and inviting them to things and sending them to attack people and giving room for unhealthy parasocial relationships to form whether she means to or not and whether they do that or not. To me, i feel beyonce fans look at her like a god without a bible. They do not really have access to her and i think that allows for a more healthy realtionship to form. Also, i feel i dont know there's more of a love for talent and lyricism similar to Nicki minaj fans and not as obsessive and sexualized as fans of boy groups and girl groups which i feel like allow for more crazy things to happen and crazy connections to happen.This thought isn’t fleshed out but I almost feel in our society we glamorize and glorify fan culture because it decides pop culture. Stans come up with most of the lingo that people use; they are always ahead of the pulse on trends and new ways to use social media. They showed dre as someone who didn’t pick up on slang and social cues but I feel in our generation that’s just not the case. I feel more people would treat her like Paris Jackson's character, Hailey treated her in real life. Chloe bailey Damson Idris Billie Eilish Rory Culkin

it almost seems like these teen moms have a plot that they are supposed to follow and it always goes pretty according to plan this story seems like 8 storylines ive seen on teen mom and like a redemption arc to stay relevant i don’t think that it is but that’s just how textbook this situation is and it’s weird

shows like teen mom allowed for two things to happen in american culture one kids to see it at a young age and vow to not get pregnant as teenagers im pretty sure the number of teen pregnancy went down for a while while teen mom

was on at least in the us but i feel like it also glorified it in other rights and as the mothers got older and started to get a low level of fame and money

it’s very scary but i feel like family vloggers on youtube did the same thing and it seemed like the teen ones always have the same story but these kids are just thrown in the mix and added to produce more profit they are given so much trauma and the idea of being able to see your parents fight and all of their bad habits and addictions discussed to the world is so crazy

they always say in their videos they are doing this to help someone if they are going through the same thing but they never stop to think who this is hurting… their kids

hey i get it not everyone who does these things is inherently evil has bad intentions or whatever but it just seems like they don’t care about anyone but themselves i understand not wanting a normal job 9-5s are hard but there are actually so many qualities of vlogging and being an influencer that could be used in more constructive ways and you can make content off of literally anything

i just feel like a solid healthy relationship with your kids is more important and showcasing them to world when they are little until they are old could really harm that

thanks for listening.

So I was relistening to my Todrick episode and realized I have some ideas on this chloe bailey situation! i love chloe and halle and i am going to say something that a lot of people probably cant relate to or understand i saw chris brown in concert when i was in high school and i streamed his music… yikes. but as a full grown adult i see why i shouldn’t have done those things and i have been exposed to his behavior towards women and lgbtq+ people and how supporting people who do those things turns the mirror onto you in a sense because you are condoning very fucked up behavior

the amount of r&b artists with fan bases that lean towards supporting women and not working with abusers who still find themselves featuring chris brown and other artists that are abusers is very interesting

it almost seems like he chooses out these black female celebrities with high percentages of people who dont listen to chris brown and who are actually well-liked to somehow give him a redemption arc but all it does is pull down the female artist with him its so fucked

when these artists stay firm in their decisions and support and uplift chris brown it makes them seem so desperate for outrage desperate to disappoint and to me it makes them seem like they expect their followers to accept and go with any decision they make even when that decision is harmful and could bring up past trauma i know that might sound crazy but i just think about it like these accusations aren’t hearsay they are things that actually have happened and just moving on from them is crazy

chris brown believes because other people have done bad things he deserves to be forgiven but you cant change others opinions by force you change it by changing yourselves and proving those people wrong from doing the things that got you into bad graces with him and instead he does the opposite and lashes out

go to therapy please. anyways chloe x halle had such a like alternative sound in the beginning and still seen on ungodly hour but chloes solo music has seemed more generic poppy music and i think that her choice to collaborate with chris brown reiterates that fact but at the end of the day her audience was built on an entirely different aesthetic

i was thinking how insane would it have been if she had diggy simmons on a song i dont know what their relationship is or how that went but it would have been very interesting for headlines and the song i dont know i like that song he did with jeremih i dont know there are so many other ways to get a headline instead of turning your whole audience against you

i think for her sound bryson tiller wouldve been a good artist for her to feature like there are so many other options but i think we are seeing a change in chloe and halle as they grow into young adults that we didn’t see when they didn’t share too much about their personalities or opinions and i think we do hold artists to a standard that many never really reach like we aren’t going to agree with everyone i recently saw this clip of someone talking about why zendaya chose to stray away from music and she was talking about anonymity and how easy it was to take herself out of acting and focus on funneling all of her emotions and feelings through a character instead of herself and i find thats more digestible for audiences

although some people are bad at distinguishing characters from the actors and actresses themselves they are so removed in the public i feel like its a lot easier to not have to wear you heart or opinions on your sleeve when your medium isn’t talking about life stories and personal anecdotes

im so fucking delusional but i noticed that this year my opinions towards valentine’s day are completely different than last year

Okay I have been obsessed with drag race this year like its just been very good and last week when I fell asleep during real friend of weho and missed untucked I knew it was my time to speak on this mess!

Listen, I tried to watch this show and I just was not invested in these people and I cant believe that they are actually friends. Anyways, I was listening enough to hear this from Todrick Hall which got me thinking he said something along the lines of the LGBTQIA+ community going up for women and not gay men and I had to beg to disagree because I feel like the community goes up for drag queens streaming their music and supporting them and I have an issue with how every time Todrick Hall makes a statement similar to this he centers himself and the rest just doesn’t make much sense. He talked about how gays go up for white women on stage and how he wanted to be able to do the same kind of I guess is what he says and it was just weird to me.

Todrick needs a publicist I do not know every piece of drama but I know bits of pieces and if he was trying to get in good graces with the community or have people tune in this previous statement wasnt needed because in his history he has:

- Been accused of being mysogynistic to Kim Kardashian, Shanna Moakler I believe also and I think just in general honestly I remember over the summer he called out a small big brother commentator Abigail Adams and it was just hard to watch after she had just reported of all of his drama surrounding celebrity big brother The house and rent jokes I look at it like this: Why not downsize? Why not live within your means? Im not trying to speak for his finances but like look at Julia Fox she recently shared her apartment tour in new york and it was a nice breath of fresh air to be honest she says early in the video “ I dont like large displays of wealth” or soemthing similar to that and I agreed wholeheartedly And I think knowing that he has this big ass house and isn’t paying the rent and then he has dancers and he isn’t paying his dancers… most likely who does his audience relate to more in that scenario? Todrick or the dancers? The dancers its disrespectful. Todrick if you are listening please get a publicist! I think it could really help you.

Here is my dream real friends of weho cast! I love the idea but we need people with bigger personalities more known in the community and I dont think they all need to live in the place its filmed like what they should of done is copied the RHUGT format and flown everyone to a location would’ve been more drama duh! Here are my pics for a season: I got this idea from Dakota from tiktok who does the meals with his husband and friends at dinner I love that I think his tiktok name is print fairy and his twitter is @fortodrink Okay my picks are:

@keyon

@itszaeok

@denzeldion

@rickeythompson

Bob the drag queen

Monet x change

Terri Joe

Jay versace

Tyler the creator

Frank Ocean

Omar Apollo

Sam Smith

Luxxnoirlondon

Sugar and spice

Mistress Isabelle brooks

Throw in Todrick to at some point anyways thanks for listening! Tune into drag race this season! Im rooting for anetra, Marcia x3, luxx, mistress and sasha colby.

Venus is in pisces and I just have found myself researching! why do I feel like this why am I thinking this I woke up this morning after experiencing this sexual tension infused dream about someone I haven’t thought about for a while and just woke up like what the fuck and then my brain started thinking like it always does just A LOT.

To me a Leo rising this transit is impacting my 8th house is mystery goals and inheritances like I want this stable relationship but I also want the mystery of something I longed for a lot in my adolescence that I never got.

But my bipolar brain will take an inch and run a marathon honestly I look to astrology a lot to make my brain make a little more sense when I experience mood swings and shit and I needed it this week and it actually synced up this week and I didn’t feel as fucking crazy I had this breakdown on Tuesday that was awful I legit cried at work ALL day the entire day just tears it was very embarrassing and I just could not stop

Im very emotional and not good at things happening suddenly and when I woke up from my bipolar cloud dreaming to like a compromising position in my job I was just scared and then I was getting like reprimanded in such a rude way that I couldn’t contain my emotions.

Im not saying I didn’t deserve the reprimanding I have not been doing great at my job but also I think because of my height and my weight and my skintone people think I can take things more harshly than I actually can im actually very fragile

And I think thats when I decided im not going to be at my current job much longer.

Anyways I love daydreaming its like a bad habit guilty pleasure and I dont do it often as an adult and my dream last night was a nice breath of what the fuck air

I want a fairy tale dream so badly to be honest. There is something about it that is so comforting and freeing and I think this is kind of conceited but I know its true like having someone there to be yourself around and just talk to and discover things about yourself and the other person is just so intimate and fun and I could just bask in feeling comfortable with someone FOREVER.

I miss that the most getting older and being independent im alone all the time and I miss just having someone there. I have been talking to my friend a lot recently on the phone for hours and im happy that I get to spend that time with her.

I do hope I put myself out there and have more people to talk to in the future though because being lonely is hard.

And shout out to all the bipolar people out there I know how hard and drastic it feels to get sucked or like dropped from a skyscraper into a jail chair with shackles back into reality its hard and confusing and that feeling of not trusting your brain is scary but we will get through this.

This is so embarrassing but I feel like I should share it

I am a weird person like just awkward im not really good at containing things I think or what to say to people also I am very like lonely so I love to make small talk when I feel like its positive and beneficial for the other person or something I really want to know but I had this realization recently that it may not always come off the way I want it too if you are catching my drift well that happened recently and it was the most embarrassed I have felt in a long time and so yeah lets just say that fed into my little outburst on Tuesday

Me being nice to someone got confused with me coming on to them. I like to compliment people but I guess some people cant distinguish that with like lust and there was NO LUST in this situation. I hate that sometimes people look at everything a woman does as inherently sexual when most likely its just platonic.

Anyway I hope everyone enjoys Venus in pisces until February 20th I believe dream love and be creative spoil yourself also! Thanks again for listening.

Happy New Years to everyone listening not sure if im pushing it at this point but I hope everyone had a good holiday so I am spending the first weekend of the new year in my apartment I was planning to binge watch tv but I did something a little different I woke up this morning and started cleaning my apartment and something happened that I feel like I need to tell you about I went to my room and my room is a physical example of my brain just kind of broken and needs work a little bit and some innovation to make things feel right if that makes sense I broke my box spring cleaning the high fans in my apartment so I had to rotate it a few weeks ago so I wouldn’t sink into the damn frame anyway I cut it open and stuffed shit in it so it wouldn’t sink and I decided to move my broken dresser and it was kind of difficult because evrything I was moving was broken and I was alone

I got overwhelmed and started crying for at least 15 minutes and settled down

I thought that what I was learning from this full moon is that I cant do everything alone but I took that 15 minutes looked in the mirror wiped off my tears and got back to it and I made it work myself

Patience

I still haven’t learned patience

Damn you cam white. Cam white is this astrologer that I follow pretty closely he really helps me a lot I dont know if thats weird but Its true

We have to give ourselves grace I finished tidying and is there more that I could do of course are there things in my fridge that need to be thrown away or like why am I avoiding cleaning the entryway closet?

But I after moving things in my bedroom I felt really better and finally taking some old furniture to the dumpster my brain felt clear

Everyone works differently find what works for you and also remember to take care of yourself

I feel like I am always waiting for someone to come into my life and treat me like a princess instead of just treating myself like a princess

Thanks for listening and I encourage you all to one watch cam white and two think about what you learned from the full moon in cancer on January 6th what a better way to remember that date.

Thanks again :)