some things i’m learning + working through right now :)

my dreams always throw me for a loop like i always vividly dream but i only truly remember some i have a few characters that always make an appearance but this one person is like top dream repeater like always in it and he’s taken many forms in my dreams but my one last night was interesting he was just supporting me flirting with me that’s it like just present he was outspoken stubborn and confident earlier that night i had started planning my resolutions for the next year and i wrote down

be more social and lively and outgoing and friendly and confident

for so long i was like why is this person in my dreams we share the same sun sign like we have similarities it’s because i see myself in him and there are qualities in him that i want to have

i always felt so weak so lonely and sad and i think him being in my dreams shows that as well i have always wanted support from someone who understands someone who is similar in a way

also this podcast is fucking crazy because i have talked about this person and dreams on here and i just realized he had character development in my dreams like wtf because in real life he said something off the wall to me and in my dream he was defending me against racism and prejudice

i think that is something i feel in my life a lot especially at work i will never be a white girl and i will never get treated as such i know i have to prove myself and work harder to be valued and appreciated and it’s so hard and im so over it

im going to keep going to bat for myself and try to embody that person when i want to recoil and just let people take advantage of me

and the singing oh the fucking singing singing is almost always prevalent and i am finally putting the pieces together to why since i was a little girl i have always LOVED music and singing and this person represents that as well and they sang as well

i love singing and this year i have really loved dancing and would i love to be a singer yes but i don’t think that’s possible i think it’s about following your passions and the things you want to do ive really been obsessed with dancing lately just like having fun and i think that’s kind of what it symbolizes

anyways this is fun to do sometimes when my life is boring and i want to think if anyone is listening and wants help thinking through a recurring dream reach out!

thanks for listening also shout out to the dude in my dream you have aided in so much growth for me thanks bro!

tiktok glorifies and ramps us capitalism and consumerism within women and it’s so fucked up and toxic

coffee culture and soda culture and consumerism and buying a ton of shit and crumbl cookie stuff like that it’s just fucked up tiktok is so addicting i think i’m going to finally get off that shit

i keep on talking about the new habits im making and how they are changing my life and whatever but im realizing now im also trying to reverse the triggers of bipolar disorder in myself and improve my mental and physical health but i did notice a while ago that coffee really impacts me like i used to do a triple shot of espresso everyday

i have drank coffee first thing in the morning on an empty stomach for like probably 6 years straight and i have had awful social anxiety since i was a teenager i started drinking coffee in middle school like it became second nature

i loved starbucks and just the girliness of it not that that’s a bad thing but just thinking about money and how it rules everything and how it’s shoved down our throats and realizing it is probably a lot more connected to my gut and digestion and mental health issues than i ever thought

i have always abstained from coffee while on my cycle and i find myself always sleeping better while on my cycle and i always thought oh maybe it was the advil or just being more tired or whatever but after looking into it caffeine definitely plays a role anyways i really want to look at the things in doing in my life and that society has seemed to condition us to do and second guess participating in them

this reminds me of the utah culture with soda because of mormons not being allowed to drink coffee it’s just so over commercialized and done for profits and it’s like what does one even like anymore and even if you like it what if it’s bad for you?

side note i saw a clip of jonah hill and i never related more he was talking about dieting and working out i think it’s his new documentary but i really want to watch it because everything he and his parents have said i’ve related to it and he talks about how dieting and working out was never told to him from the point of view of improving mental health but instead a consequence for being a fat kid and having to change his outer appearance and how that made him not want to do it and resent working out and dieting and i feel 100% the same way and i don’t want to put words in his mouth but for me it was like fuck that shit i don’t want to do it i want to just be able to eat whatever and not have to be reprimanded for my body not being like everyone else’s like a rebellious thing and realizing as an adult that it does such wonders for mental health makes it a lot easier to do and something that i actually want to do and i think in my life i really gotta go through my habits and the things i do and really take a second to unpack my motivations behind why i do things

i don’t want to come off as misogynistic in this episode because that’s just not what i think in trying to say i loved drinking coffee dressing it up with sugar and creamer but i never stopped and thought why was it pushed so much and why did i need to add so much to it to drink it and why did i feel like i needed it to wake up and start my day and be myself? i know that it’s not true and i can live without coffee but the way it’s framed in society is psychotic sugar addiction and caffeine addiction and dopamine addiction is so fucking real and i think the real kicker for me will to see if my anxiety goes away that would be shocking

anyways i’ll tell y’all how that shit goes but it’s just something i realized tonight!

- finding peace in the imperfect and preparing for mastery of adulthood

- looking at negative experiences as learning experiences and ways to find growth

- embracing the changes in your personality as an adult instead of wishing to be who you were prior

- realizing we are still learning day by bay and that is okay

- taking accountability for the role you play in your life and knowing that you can change the course of it at any time

- taking a second to look at where you are and see how far you have come while thinking about how far you can go as well

- realizing that a victim mindset and a pessimist mindset keeps you very stuck

- taking things like generation criticisms less seriously because everything is a generalization and anyone can defy a stereotype

- find things that excite you and adding them into your routine

- take care of yourself as much as possible but don’t stress yourself out trying to be perfect you will never be “perfect”

- being grateful for what you have and what’s yet to come

- finding support through friends and family

- getting advice from peoples lives who you would be okay loving and emulating

- having patience rome wasn’t built in a day girl

- realizing this hypothetical clock and timeline we put ourselves on is make believe and just that everyone moves at their own pace comparing your life to someone else’s is a waste of time and deters you from finding your greater purpose , passions, or just doing fun shit

- again when you want to complain try to look on the bright side and see what value came from the critique or the roadblock

- making sure you are doing things on your terms especially with your job don’t let it be your first priority because when it ends what will you be left with and what will you regret not doing

- finding an idea of who you want to be and whatever that is in terms of characteristics physical attributes or personality and striving towards that not another person

I got starter locs yesterday and I feel like a year ago I could take something that happened during that time and find a story to tell you but im finding it difficult to decipher what I want to share

It was just nice to talk to someone and relate and feel free and vulnerable there is this presence in black hair salons that is so intimidating to me so judgmental and the presence is so thick even with my hairdresser I can see a difference in her with older clients like my mom and younger clients like me its this like respectable standard for them and not saying exactly how you feel or speaking the same way and being honest it makes me sad for some reason

I like being myself

I think I come off as polarizing to people some times I cuss in front of my parents and pretty much teeter that disrespectful/respectful line as much as possible

I feel like we are constantly told to be respectable or respectful and to almost shield who we are for protection in spaces that uphold white supremacy and when I am able to lift that mask a little bit or I feel comfortable a little bit I like to unveil who I am

Women should feel comfortable talking about their sexual desires their opinions on the men their dating asking if what they feel is valid and if their man is treating them with disrespect and what should be tolerated

I listened to my hair dresser yesterday and I asked her if she’s doing okay instead of just assuming it or expecting that if it wasnt she would tell me or that we only have to talk about positive things or pretend our lives were perfect for a few hours

I feel like the older generation lacks a level of vulnerability in terms of the struggle pretending that the struggle is okay and normal and expected and not wanting to show people where they are struggling in their life which I understand but I feel like that causes people to stay in unhelpful unmotivating uninspiring environments for too long

She said multiple times during that conversation I dont know I should probably go to therapy but now that Im thinking about it having those open discussions with someone who isn’t as close to you but who is supportive and cares about you is so important and in a way therapeutic

I want to put my self in more situations to be there for people who just need someone I want to be able to ask people how they are doing and to discuss how they feel with no judgement,

I feel like our generation is so open but its so one sided you will see a creator online talking about how they feel but we lack seeing those conversations play out in real life or even online

I guess the answer is gossip more and be vulnerable idk? Ill share with you this yesterday I told my hair dresser I am ready to start dating and be vulnerable but I am so scared that things will be awkward which is true but I feel like saying it out loud and realizing that thats a valid thought and her opinion on it could help me come to terms with that thought and how I do want to move forward in terms of putting my self out there.

Anyway thanks for listening. And isn’t it crazy that I loc’ed my hair? Okay probably not to you but its a big deal to me and ill tell you about the process as it continues. Again, thanks for listening. And gossip to those who you feel comfortable doing so with!

happy podcast one year anniversary! to many more :) I decided to listen to the first episode of this podcast this morning and it was so eerie I find myself scrolling back often to see where I was previously and what I was going through and lessons I have learned and how have I come a long way

Ive gotten really obsessed with starting new better habits and trying to change the things about me that ive wanted to change for a long time coming I wanted to highlight some of the biggest changes about me now versus who I was when I started this podcast To those listening thanks for being a trooper I know it must be difficult to listen to a podcast so focussed on such an odd character I try to make things relate to others as much as I can but tbh Im really just trying to hold on to something and get through my 20’s and this podcast is literally that! Congrats to you all too for one year and hopefully many more years! Thanks for listening!

sorry in advance needed to get this off my chest im not perfect im still learning and growing i think this episode shows that

i do not know like anything about billy eichner and i like almost every single movie that i see but i loved bros! i did drink too much water while watching the movie and needed to pee really bad at the end so when he started singing i almost walked out but i think on an empty bladder i woukdve ate the garth brooks inspired song up!! anyways the movie was good the jokes and references all hit for me as a 23 year old woman and i do understand his idea that homophobia prevented the possibility of his movie doing well but honestly i think we need to start decentering movies being for everyone like some movies are meant for certain audiences and that’s okay do i wish we lived in a world where everyone watched queer movies and loved them yes but we live in a world where most people don’t look at brokevack mountain as a gay love story and that jake gylenhaal and heath ledger were friends so yeah personally i love watching gay love stories and hope to see more on screen but criticizing people who are never going to see your movie isn’t in you should be marketing the movie to those who want to see it and react positively to it! that’s just my opinion! anyways i thought it was a great movie and hope that i get the ability to see more lgbtq+ love stories in the future go see bros if it’s your cup of tea !! thanks for listening also i feel like what i was saying in this movie he kind of highlights in the movie billy eichner says that he shouldn’t have to make gay movies for straight people and to me it seemed like he was pushing for creating real gay love stories and prioritizing creating movies that gay people can relate to therefore making movies for gay people i don’t know maybe he feels like the movies isn’t getting the recognition he wanted but that is never certain a movie can flop for a plethora of reasons.. i loved the movie it was a breath of fresh air and i think what i love the most is that i felt like i related to both leads in a relationship and that is something i feel a lot in lgbtq+ media but lack in heteronormative love stories being outspoken and secure in my thoughts and beliefs like billy’s character but also being scared to be my true uncloseted self in front of my family and scared to follow my dreams like his partner and i love bowen yang so just seeing him makes me happy. GO SEE BROS!

I always prioritized convenience but I have all the time in the world?

I feel like I rushed life for so long and I think I always felt like I had to I didn’t just ask myself what I wanted

I really do want a soft life I dont need to be chasing some statement to gloat and I think for some people thats not that the case when they are going after things but for me thats all I see it as and I think thats why I realize I dont want it

Really looking around at my life and recognizing and determining my goals has helped me clearly see what’s important to me and I think right now I am unlearning who and what others put on me and separating that from what I want

I used to chase convenience for EVERYTHING everything had to be done faster but I look around now and it seems like all I have is time and I feel like being in that moment is so fun I feel like im in a movie instead of on a marathon run to complete things for no reason

Capitalist societys values productivity but neglect the things we need to be mentally sane

I thrive off of eating home cooked meals and exercising and spending time outside but sometimes it seems like life moves so fast or is at least supposed to to where I cant do those things

I almost got a part time job a few months ago and I really dont need one and I feel like I wanted to hone in on the idea of working my ass off when I was young so I could retire early and relax or whatever but thinking about it now that sounds so stupid

Its like I was doing it to make more money but be lazier I would inevitably be forcing myself to choose convenience in some way because I wouldn’t be able to utilize my personal time the same because I would have less of it

Like back to my episode on the things I have changed that have made me feel better physically ive found joy and happiness in owning my free time and doing what I want to do when I can and by valuing those things that we need to be mentally sane, I have physically felt better and mentally

I go up and down a lot and I hope those listening can literally stick with me when I go up and down like I am literally a rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns but I do go back and forth with wanting a serious partner and I dont want to say im closed to it right now but I am finally seeing what my life could be like alone and thrououghly being excited about it which I think is a lot more productive than being sad about being alone 24/7 I just think im maturing which is nice and Im excited to continue growing and learning

I can’t stop!!! Sorry Monte.. I’m pissed!!!