To be honest I didn’t see how this podcast was going to continue I feel like mt life right now is just learning the same 5 lessons over and over again and I haven’t had any epiphanies that I wanted to share and then I saw woman king last night and I was really moved by it but not enough to write deeply until today right now I just saw dont worry darling and I am spiraling

I am surprised that I didn’t spoil it for myself because I really had no idea what was going to happen I feel like that viral meme tweet or whatever where you dream that your boyfriend cheated on you and then you woke up and are still mad at him

I feel pissed off at the person who would try to pull something like this

As I walked out with my friend and her sister we chatted about how crazy that movie was and I tell them about the show upload on prime video and how its a less hellish similar idea but wow like they really went there!

I know this movie received a lot of criticism and also had a large controversy surrounding it but I really liked it minus how the plot made me feel after leaving if that makes sense after seeing it I totally understand why Olivia Wilde was crying on the phone to Shia lebouf because I see how he could’ve played the part well but I still disagree with her method of doing so considering his past

Anyways the movie just sent me because like I said in all my episodes thus far about big brother it just seems like the world is making us so divisive when it comes to women and men and the story told is a story I feel like everyone relates to the idea of control and power in heterosexual relationships creates such toxic scary and outlandish behavior as seen in this movie

It was hard to not leave the theater and not think deeply about it

About how idolized the housewife is by men and how the typical schedule of those women is still put on working women as well like too real

I said I wish I didn’t see the moving because I felt like once those credits started rolling I just got sucker punched in my face but I already knew it was coming

It just like solidified my wandering thoughts if that makes sense

I think of the tiktoker drew afualo a lot like when I was watching big brother and saw a man emotionally manipulate a woman on national tv with 24/7 live feeds and in that moment I was like I wish drew would talk about this

But then I realized with her videos and her commentary she’s inspiring women to stand up for themselves and not be belittled and talked down to or overlooked or criticized for things that I can not control

Sometimes I get scared to talk on here sometimes I feel like I talk to directly and too harsh but things like I have seen lately happen and it makes me feel like I am doing what I am supposed to be doing

I said while walking out I felt like I was watching my friends in relationships with men who control them like they are trapped and cant get out and it also felt like a lot of housewives would relate to the women in the simulation kind of in the way that I feel like im in severance all the time even though I have complete control of my brain at work and out of it I dont know

I recommend everyone to go see it if you want to just think for a long time! I titled this episode I wish I didn’t see dont worry darling but im actually really happy I did. Stay safe y’all thanks for listening

Gender Envy

Sometimes I relisten to my episodes on here that remind me of the ways that I am thinking or things im going through at the time and Im always shocked about how much I tell about myself on here is it 100% healthy no but it always takes me back to what was going on and how everything was connected and I hope all my faults and weirdness and cringiness can be relatable to those who listen

Anyways I have been gone for a little bit but I have been really journaling and thinking this weekend because so much shit has been happening but I keep on getting stuck on my careless crushes I haven’t had a crush on someone new in real life in probably like 5+ years which is so sad but yeah so I feel like I dwell a lot and just get so caught up in the past and these things that are so pointless

I dont think I have explicitly talked about this person on the podcast like really diving in but he comes up every now and then and I never understood it I never understood why I once was attracted to him and then I was not at all but I think he was always puzzling to me I always wondered who he really was and I think I was always envious or jealous because I never got to really know him anyways

He comes into my dreams ever so often and I always wake up feeling so confused and just baffled and I realized that

I think he symbolizes what I think about myself and it scares me because I feel like I dont deserve it

I think of this person I dont know so highly

Ive always been jealous of men like for so long

They are always praised for doing the bare minimum

I think its a black woman thing. I remember when I got my job as a teenager my coworker would constantly get praised for doing the same shit I was doing and the only difference was that he was male.

I think that when I look at him I see qualities in myself that deep down I know that I have that dont get recognized or put on a pedestal

This man is like a hometown hero he is praised constantly and I think deep down im just fucking jealous.

I do not know him

He is just a way for me to measure up my self worth

Finally feeling validated and accepted because of society norms and values and how we place so much of our validation in men and what they deem as worthy

He’s smart and has drive and is black

I do not know him so he can not let me down

I misjudged him so I have sympathy for him and regret my actions

I feel like he falls into a trope that I do not know is even true

I am not 100% sure I am attracted to him and it brings up my problematic tendencies

He is me in a way

I wish I could do this at an earlier age and I wish my brain was better at distinguishing these thoughts from love and admiration because I dont think the answer is twin flame or soulmate

I think he is just a stepping stone to self discovery, self-love, acceptance, and knowing your worth.

If I sound crazy im sorry im just trying to get to the bottom of this and stop making excuses and living Lala land. I just want to heal.

Thanks for listening.