As an avid reader, I’m always seeking that next great book. The one that allows me to see myself and the world more clearly, comforts me when I’m lost, or inspires me to move through my day differently. This series is my opportunity to pass these remarkable books onto you, as readers of A Mind of Her Own, both for your own enjoyment and also, as a self-serving shout-out to the universe to send me more amazing, life-changing reads. I’m excited to hear what you think, and I’m so glad you’re here!
Life-Changing Reads: A Series
1. Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, by Parker Palmer
“Vocation does not come from willfulness. It comes from listening…vocation does not mean a goal that I pursue. It means a calling that I hear.”
I read this book when I was feeling lost, searching for a life that aligned with my values and desires, and doubting myself at every step. I kept hearing this call to write, to create, but I thought it was something I should do in my “non-work” time, because it wasn’t a serious activity for a physician. Parker’s discussion of his own struggle to find his true vocation, through an altruistic but ultimately unsustainable career path, was a fundamental guide on my journey.
2. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain
“So when introverts assume the observer role, as when they write novels, or contemplate unified field theory—or fall quiet at dinner parties—they’re not demonstrating a failure of will or a lack of energy. They’re simple doing what they’re constitutionally suited for.”
I listened to this book in the car, sitting in LA traffic, during my psychiatry residency. I still remember the feeling of hearing these words, suggesting my tendency to prefer listening to talking, observing to acting, thinking to doing was not because I was lazy, overly shy or antisocial. It was what I was “constitutionally suited for.” This was a revelation.
Here I am now, writing books, listening as a psychiatrist and podcast host, and taking time to think about life’s great mysteries. Thank you, Susan, for your beautiful writing.
3. The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness, by Robert Waldinger, MD and Marc Schulz, PhD
“Do I matter? Some of us have lived the majority of our lives and find ourselves looking back, others have most of our lives in front of us and are looking forward. For all of us, regardless of age, it helps to remember that this question of mattering, of leaving something for future generations and of being part of something bigger than ourselves, is not just about our personal achievements—it’s about what we mean to other people. And it’s never too late to start now and leave a mark.”
This book, by the directors of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, is a powerful summary of the lives of two generations of individuals from the same families for over 80 years. It’s remarkable to read their quotes as they navigate joy, loss, struggles and successes over the years. The reason I’ve found it so important to read and reread is its powerful reminder of the importance of our relationships in creating happiness. Not money. Not fame. Not a perfect body. Not prizes or rings or medals. It’s all about the love and connection we have in our lives.
Today, as I try to navigate the overwhelmingly stressful news and constant churn of social media, it grounds me in my day-to-day life to reflect on those in my closest orbit. How can I connect with them today? How do I show my love and interest in ways both silly and sincere? Even if I’ve been feeling disconnected, I trust that it is never too late to leave my own mark in their lives and remember the joy of having them in mine.
4. How Do You Feel? One Doctor’s Search for Humanity in Medicine, by Jessi Gold, MD, MS
“Sometimes, the heaviest emotional burden is to bear witness or to hold space for someone else’s story. To do my job well and be someone whom people can trust, I need to care. I need to be truly empathetic. I need to be raw and available.”
This beautiful book, by Jessi Gold, describes so many aspects of my experience as a psychiatrist. She writes about the unique emotional toll of meeting with patients during some of their darkest moments, as they are working to overcome trauma, abuse, loss or grave illnesses. Reading this was incredibly validating. In the past, when I had finished my clinical week, I would look back and wonder, “Why can’t I do more? Why didn’t I see more patients? There is so much need.”
Dr. Gold’s book helped me to be self-compassionate, recognizing I could only be truly present if I also took care of myself. This is a message I now try to pass along to the psychiatry residents I teach. We are human, and we have limits. Thank you, Jessi, for generously sharing your life with us. Your work is so important.
Listen to Dr. Gold on The Reflective Mind Podcast at https://amindofherown.substack.com/p/speaking-the-quiet-part-out-loud?r=1wdz1l
5. Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally, Really Grow Up by James Hollis, Ph.D.
“To engage with the summons of our souls is to step into the deepest ocean, uncertain whether we will be able to swim to some new, distant shore. And yet, until we have consented to swim beyond the familiar lights of the port left behind, we will never arrive at a newer shore.”
This stunning book, by Dr. James Hollis, a Jungian scholar and prolific writer, shares his own story of midlife depression and his decision to leave the familiar to seek training in Zurich and become a Jungian analyst. He writes beautifully about his struggle to identify his own path with the guidance of Jung’s theory of individuation, defined as “the lifelong project of becoming more nearly the whole person we were meant to be.” I read and re-read this book as I was struggling with my own path to meaning in midlife, and I found such comfort in his powerful belief that we all can tap into what we already know: the person we are most meant to be.
You can listen to his beautiful description of his path here: https://amindofherown.substack.com/p/a-nameless-longing-when-your-soul?r=1wdz1l
6. Shrill, by Lindy West (I also highly recommend the Hulu series by the same name, starring Aidy Bryant )
“I am my body. When my body gets smaller, it is still me. When my body gets bigger, it is still me. There is not a thin woman inside me, awaiting excavation. I am one piece.”
Thinking back on my training during medical school and beyond, I can summarize any lecture about body size with one phrase: overweight equals unhealthy. This repeated conflation means I now must consciously uncouple one from the other in my clinical work, stepping back from the broad and imprecise shorthand to consider how they are, and are not, actually related.
Lindy West’s book helped me significantly as I was trying to shift my thinking on this topic. Her frank depiction of life in her larger body was at times heartbreaking (especially in the doctor’s office), frequently humorous (with chapter titles like “Are you there, Margaret? It’s me, a person who is not a complete freak.”) and overall a powerful motivator for change. I think all health care providers should read it at least once.
If this resonates, check out my interview with Dr. Mara Gordon all about the size-inclusive healthcare revolution. https://amindofherown.substack.com/p/the-size-inclusive-healthcare-revolution?utm_source=publication-search
7. Words Are My Matter: Writings on Life and Books by Ursula K. Le Guin
“Fiction offers the best means of understanding people different from oneself, short of experience. Actually, fiction can be lots better than experience, because it’s a manageable size, it’s comprehensible, while experience just steamrollers over you and you understand what happened decades later, if ever.”
I grew up in a very small town in North Dakota, just a few miles from the South Dakota border. I didn’t recognize the enormity of the sky above my childhood home until I returned as an adult, head tipped back, staring upward in awe. I grew up there with a loving family and a surrounding community willing to cheer me on in events from basketball games to theater performances, but I always felt a bit out of place. Reading became my reassurance that the world was as big as the sky overhead, and I would eventually find my own path. Books also helped me recognize the importance of placing myself in another’s shoes, virtual empathy-building machines that taught me about those whose lives were so incredibly different from my own.
This book of Ursula K. Le Guin’s essays, poems and book reviews reveals a grounded, opinionated, brilliant woman who decided to create entire worlds with stunning clarity, illuminating the challenges existing in our own. Readers and writers alike will not be sorry for taking a moment to absorb her work.
If this interests you, please feel free to listen to my short essay, Books are Empathy Machines.
8. Intimations by Zadie Smith
“Talking to yourself can be useful. And writing means being overheard.”
This book by Zadie Smith, a collection of six essays, was published in 2020, and provides a glimpse into the author’s life during the early months of the Covid-19 virus. I’ve long been an admirer of her fiction, but this series allowed a much more intimate window into her wandering mind, trying to comprehend her place in a society turned inside out with uncertainty and fear.
What does it mean to be an artist when people are being categorized as “essential workers?” Is loyalty to a place something that can outlast a feeling of unique vulnerability? How can writing provide an outlet for survival when the world is so fraught? There was comfort in her struggle to understand and in her feeling of disorientation, which I certainly shared. I emerged from her writing feeling more hopeful and far less alone.
If this essay resonated, please feel free to check out this podcast episode Hope is the Best Antidote for Demoralization with Dr. James L. Griffith, MD
9. Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi
“We grow up believing that what counts most in our lives is that which will occur in the future…[however] since what we experience is reality, as far as we are concerned, we can transform reality to the extent that we influence what happens in consciousness and thus free ourselves from the threats and blandishments of the outside world.”
My summary: We are always living for tomorrow, while life only happens right now, in our moment-by-moment experience, which we have the power to shape through our attention.
You have likely heard of the concept of Flow, described by Dr. Csikszentmihalyi (here is a googled pronunciation: chik sent mee hai ee) as an optimal experience when a “person’s body or mind is stretched to its limits in a voluntary effort to accomplish something difficult and worthwhile.” It is often referred to as being in a “flow state,” so immersed in a particular task that you lose track of time and are able to concentrate in a prolonged and highly satisfying way. He refers to our attention our “psychic energy.” Where we give our attention is quite literally how we experience our lives. This has never been more relevant, each of us tasked with creating our own protective filters from the onslaught of demands on our limited—because we’re human—attention spans.
This book is a revelation, with insights about the very nature of consciousness, what it means to be happy, and how we can infuse our lives with more pleasure. Flow can emerge in a wide variety of settings, whether it’s while listening to or creating music, engaging in satisfying sex or consuming delicious foods. It may also occur when we are working on a challenging problem at the office, pushing past a confusing but compelling problem in school, or out solving problems in the world beyond. I’ve learned so much from his writing, and have absorbed his ideas which influence many of my own.
If the concept of a flow and the quest for a meaningful life is of interest, check out my interview, “What Lights You Up?’ with Dr. Jordan Grumet, palliative care physician and writer.
10. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief by Pauline Boss
“In the case of ambiguous loss…complicated grieving can be a normal reaction to a complicated situation—the endless searching of a battlefield by the mother of a missing soldier; a stepchild’s angry outbursts when his biological parent is totally excluded; a wife’s depression and withdrawal because her husband has suffered a brain injury and is no longer himself.”
I’ve found ambiguous loss to be such a powerful and surprisingly common experience in my psychiatry practice. This idea describes the unique suffering caused by uncertainty or a lack of resolution regarding a missing loved one. This could be psychological absence of someone still in our presence, such as when our loved one is struggling with dementia or severe mental illness, or the physical absence of those we still keep very much present in our psychological lives, including missing persons with unknown whereabouts.
After first reading Ambiguous Loss, I reached out to Dr. Pauline Boss, now in her 90s, to thank her for her work and speak with her about this extremely helpful framework, which had a profound effect on me. She shared the origins of the research into this topic, begun with the families of pilots declared missing in action in Vietnam and Cambodia while she was at the Center of Prisoner of War Studies in the U.S. Naval Health Research Institute in San Diego. She spoke about interviewing the wives of these missing pilots and the intense pain caused by the ambiguity surrounding their husbands’ whereabouts. This ongoing, often unresolvable grief can lead to depression, isolation, and ongoing family disruption, even generations later. By giving a name to this phenomenon, however, Pauline Boss has helped countless families begin to heal from the unimaginable and move forward into a more hopeful future.
11. Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant? A Memoir by Roz Chast
“After my father died, I noticed that all the things that had driven me bats about him—his chronic worrying, his incessant chitchat, his almost suspect inability to deal with anything mechanical—now seemed trivial. The only emotion that remained was one of deep affection and gratitude that he was my dad.”
This is the first graphic novel on my list, but it certainly won’t be the last. I’ve been a fan of Roz Chast for a long time, with her quirky but poignant New Yorker cartoons. This powerful memoir highlights something I’ve found particularly helpful in my work and personal life: difficult truths are much more palatable if we can pair them with humor. My family has always taken this approach, particularly my father, coping with some truly heartbreaking cases in the hospital with an off-color joke about bowel movements around the family dinner table. Humor is also considered one of the most mature psychological defense mechanisms we use to cope with stress or loss in our lives, so way to go, Dad!
Roz shares with us a uniquely painful time in her life, as her parents age well into their 90s, experiencing the indignities of increasingly frail bodies and waning independence. She writes with brave candor about the exhausting and expensive path an adult child must walk when her parents can no longer care for themselves, and her conflicted feelings as she watches them slowly fade. Her cartoons throughout provide much-needed moments of levity, as well as a beautiful tribute to the lives of these important people. If you or a loved one is going through this painful, but common, journey, this book could provide some true comfort, and maybe even a laugh or two.
12. Congratulations, By the Way: Some Thoughts on Kindness by George Saunders
“Be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf—seek out the most efficacious, anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life. Find out what makes you kinder, what opens you up and brings out the most loving, generous, and unafraid version of you—and go after those things as if nothing else matters.
Because, actually, nothing else does.”
These words are part of a lovely convocation address George Saunders delivered to the graduating students of Syracuse University, where he is a professor of creative writing. Understandably, it resonated far beyond the campus, and speaks a truly important message for today’s world.
I should admit, I have a soft spot for George Saunders. I imagine I’m not alone in this. I saw him speak at a New Yorker Festival event several years ago and he did not disappoint: sharp as a tack while also being thoughtful and extremely humble. In addition, he was super funny, which made sense because he’s the author of one of the most hilarious short stories I’ve ever read. In “Pastoralia,” two employees are assigned to a caveman diorama in a fading fun park. One of them, who takes his role incredibly seriously, frequently pretends to scan the horizon for large game and refuses to speak to his cave mate, using only grunts and body language to communicate. The other employee, a chain-smoking, mint-eating mother of a struggling adult child seems to be trying to just get through the day, breaking every rule of proper performance, much to her cave mate’s dismay. The story is simply sublime.
My dear friend, John, who trained with me in psychiatry residency and became one of my dearest friends, introduced me to this story, along with other memorable cultural experiences such as the show “Broad City” and referring to the bathroom as the “wazzer.” He died in 2020 after a battle with brain cancer, but his legacy lives on, especially in my plan to someday turn “Pastoralia” into a musical (his idea). After all, what better way to honor his memory? Miss you John, but thank you for all you taught me.
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Find Dr. Reid on Instagram: @jenreidmd and LinkedIn
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Also check out Dr. Reid’s regular contributions to Psychology Today: Think Like a Shrink.
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