A Table at the Tan-O: Conversations About the World of General Hospital

Gia and Keisha had really hoped to be electrifying tonight. But it's possible they blew a fuse instead. Who is to blame? Gia? A little. Keisha? A fair amount. Global warming? Well, no one thinks straight when it's unseasonably hot and humid. The General Hospital writers? Absolutely positively. So, if the writers aren't even going to try to stay true to characters who have been part of the show for decades, how are Gia and Keisha supposed to stay on topic? Tracy is suddenly shutting down the part of herself that allowed for a little warmth, a little kindness. Sonny is suddenly shutting down the part of himself that allowed for a little warmth, a little kindness. Wait. What? Gia thinks maybe the newest batch of writers may be psychopaths. Interesting. But regardless of whether the writers are cold-blooded or just plain sloppy, Gia and Keisha had to find more satisfying things to talk about, so welcome to the world of watermelon, international coffee, succulents (yes, they're back), Ricky Gervais's After Life, Star Trek, ER (yes, it's back), Emmy winner Lamorne Morris of New Girl (Winston and his cat Furguson)and Fargo, and more (which is somehow less). They apologize once again, but also believe the GH writers owe them and all of the fans an apology.

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Gia and Keisha are not always sharp. This is not new information. Today's episode is a bit of a montage drifting between superficial observations regarding outfits and hair, and superficial observations about characters who get too much airtime (Ric, Drew, Ric) and characters who get none (Liesl--where the hell is Liesl?! Brad, Terry). Also Gia mourns the end of watermelon season, and Keisha wonders if there are real-life mobsters who would be fun to have lunch with.

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It's hard being a parent, especially on a soap opera. Poor Alexis, doing her best to keep her girls safe and sound, and now she's the one falling apart. And Carly, covering for Sonny because that's who she is, but Joss needs her to be someone else. On the flip side, Molly is going to wish Ric was someone else. And the way Portia is acting, Trina might be wishing for the same soon. But Jason will always be Jason, apparently, melting guns next to sacks of coffee. Good for him!? And Sonny will always be Sonny. Is that good for anybody?

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At the risk of repeating a point made here before, Gia and Keisha do not care for Drew. Not even a little bit. Should Curtis have tried a little harder to talk some sense into him? Would it have made a difference? No. Because Drew is awful. And Willow is feeling just about the way she should feel, but will she come to her senses? And will Elizabeth come to her senses? Ric has done nothing to prove he has changed. Then there's Kristina and Alexis. Which one of them will crash and burn first? It's beginning to look like Alexis. Poor Alexis. Just trying to be a good mom. Was Sonny just trying to be a good dad? Debatable. Fun times ahead for him and Carly, though. Right? Also, great to see Ned, Gio, Joss, and Trina. Not so much the accent eraser.

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What a Tuesday! Somehow Willow and Drew were once again pushed together and forced to kiss. Poor Michael was wandering around with an umbrella and somehow became Sonny's fixer. And Jason had to deal with yet another person in need of emergency care, but he couldn't manage to stick around for the ambulance. Plus our darling Elizabeth seems willing to break bread with Ric Lansing! The takeaway seems to be that rain creates problems. Also, Kristina did a wonderful job at the cemetery. Very moving. Even Keisha felt something. Good stuff!

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A storm is rolling into Port Charles all right. Rolling right into Drew's pants! What is with this guy? And Willow! McConkey is rolling over in his grave, which he is not even in yet. Ideally, Michael and Nina will come upon the terrible couple (Drillow?) together, and Michael will punch him in the face followed closely by Nina, who will deliver a swift kick to his nuts. Of course, then Willow's nursing instincts will kick in, and we'll be right back where we started. Sheesh. Oh, and it looks like someone might have shot someone at the Quartermaine mansion. First of all, who arranges to meet someone at a lovely home, a home neither was invited to, when planning to arrest and/or shoot that second someone? And second, how will Gia get over the loss of the man with the beautifully feathered hair? This is a lot. Thank goodness for the long weekend. 

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Kristina sure can emote. And Molly is very good at yelling. But is that enough? Is it too much? Is it mostly just unpleasant? And when will it become, if not pleasant, at least less unpleasant? Also, Jason, please try to be interesting. Ditto Anna, Carly, and almost everyone else in Port Charles all of a sudden, except Clement and Scotty because where the hell are they? 

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Oh dear. One day we're celebrating Brad's return and some long overdue screen time for Terry, and the next thing you know despair and discomfort are everywhere. Even Ava looked like she might cry. And Jason and Sonny's honeymoon lasted about twenty minutes (thank you, Anna). Although, really, Jason could probably find another job where he doesn't have to talk. Buckingham Palace Guard? Plus, where the hell is Scotty? Is someone looking after his hair?! Also, will we ever like TJ again? Or Molly? Kristina? Has Lois got an enemy? Is it her pants? What a roller coaster ride. We should probably check our blood pressure.

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Sparkle Pony moments abound in Port Charles! And by "abound," we mean there were a few fun scenes worth celebrating. First--Brad! And he's talking to Terry! Wouldn't it be nice if they were back as regulars?! Second, third, and possibly fourth--Mac and Cody are pals now, and Cody and Sash are napping together, and Violet and Tracy are twins! On the other hand, Kristina doesn't have much support beyond Alexis and Sonny, and Stone Cold seems to be back and supporting Sonny, and, aside from the perfectly feathered hair, there is nothing to recommend Jagger.

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Wait. What?! Blaze is gone, but Natalia is still around? Not cool. And she's "good with numbers," so she just gets to be CFO of Deception? Yeesh. Sonny. He needs his meds adjusted again. And Willow can't stop thinking about Drew? Drew?! That's not possible. Not. Possible. Let's hope James can talk some sense into her. Ava at least has realized she hitched her wagon to the wrong horse, but of course it's too late. Crazy Eyes Cates is probably not going to be her savior. He's the kind of guy that will borrow her car and get ketchup all over the steering wheel. Well, you reap what you sow, Ava. You reap what you sow. 

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