A Thousand Tiny Steps

My mom is moving into what has been my office for years, another Molly birthday went by without her here, I'm exhausted from a lack of support, and I'm trying to find myself through it all. So if you also don't know what you're doing? Hi, I'm Barb! Join the club.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] I bought my house 26 years ago

[2:17] We're moving my mom into my old office and it's a lotta work

[4:20] Molly's been dead for 10 years

[5:26] There's a shift in the air

[7:45] These past 18 months I've had to put myself aside for others

[9:38] What's next for the podcast

[11:09] Trying to find clarity in who I am or why I'm here

[12:01] Movie recommendations

Resources:

• The Best You Can

• The Fundamentals of Caring

• The Madison

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

I've been thinking a lot about aging… and purpose… and what it means to still matter.

This is where I'm at right now.

Connect with me:

• Newsletter

• Leave a message

Transcript:

This is a man with an incredibly high IQ who helped thousands of children in his years as an educator. When I called him up to thank him, he cried, and he said, it's just so nice to feel needed.

My good friend David, it's like he's fighting an uphill battle all the time. And, and he remembers that aspect of himself. He is definitely still wanting to contribute to society. He was super helpful with me last week on a school board issue, and so this hurts me, and makes me sad and I'm surrounded by it.

I'm now caring for my mother. So I have an older person for whom I have great love, that lives with me. And, and the more I watch her, the more I see where she's, you know, beginning the long walk home, right? Where she's struggling physically, it's a reminder that there's a lot she just can't do by herself.

Then I look at Kenny, who's 70, he'll be 71 in September, and all of the myriad health issues he's had, and I worry, am I expecting too much of him?

I wake up at night and I'm worried. I have a body that's already showing signs that it isn't what it used to be. I'm 62. I'll be 63 in July. So I'm clearly at a place in life, where I have far less ahead of me than behind me.

I just need, support, in my role as an aging human with a little boy and a caretaker to people who are aging much faster than I am.

I know on the school board. I'm just another person who doesn't wanna let go of the past. I should move on and let the people 20 years younger than me take over and acknowledgement that I'm not ready to be here. I'm not ready to step aside, nor should I.

I have two really good friends from high school. They just don't ever stop remaining connected to their families and my family, we connect, but not at all like these families do.

When I wake up in the middle of the night because it's a lot of self-reflection to have I lived a good life? Am I ready to be where I am? You know, if I had not had Jack, what would I be doing?

And, I never once didn't think about my age when it came to having Jack, but that was such, that was such a spiritually, emotionally driven time and decision that I know I was supposed to do, that I feel that Jack is my purpose and so he'll help me stay healthy physically and mentally and emotionally and all that - his existence, not him.

What am I satisfied with and what do I regret? And of course, someone like me is going to constantly focus on the regret, on the regrets. All the races I lost, all the people I hurt, all the things I failed at, rather than making a list of the things that I accomplished.

If I had not had the life I had, would my now time be different?

I look at my mother and how, somehow she's living here and like it or not, I'm probably gonna have to rearrange a lot of my house to accommodate her needs sooner than later.

She fell yesterday and, you know, banged up her ankle and her skin just cuts open. The skin just gets so thin. I hate when she falls, it scared the crap outta me. The sound of her voice when she was calling for me, she was scared.

It reminded me of when we had to walk down Mount Madison in the pitch black when I was seven. She had a tone in her voice that had fear in it. It scared the crap outta me. And I heard it yesterday.

Here I am: still wanting to set goals, still wanna go to the CrossFit games. Still want a million people to buy Molly's book. You know, I still want so many things, like I matter, like I'm contributing.

I'm not ready to not contribute. I'm at an age where it might be time for me to rethink about what I want. Not give up, not let go, just shift and recreate and see what the world has to offer.

I'm pondering my life as somebody old enough to collect social security - on one level, but young enough at heart and body and mind to kick ass in a CrossFit gym on a pretty regular basis.

So you know, who am I and why am I here?

{OUTRO}

I sit out here on my porch a lot and I think about all of this.

Usually, it just turns into an episode.

But if you wanna sit with me a little longer, I write some extra thoughts down and they end up in my newsletter.

Credits:

Free music by OlexandrMusic

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I didn't know what to do.

This is a story about the first time I realized something wasn't right… and how long that moment stays with you.

Connect with me:

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• Leave a message

Transcript:

It was a sunny summer afternoon in 1979. I was wearing a gold polyester uniform. I was a waitress at Weeks Family Restaurant. It was my first actual real job, and I loved it. Interacting with people, talking to people you would never talk to. I loved the people I worked with.

As I looked toward the front of the restaurant, I saw a gentleman come in and sit at the counter. So I went down to give him a menu and see if he wanted coffee or a glass of water.

It was my Grampy Max.

I said, "hi, Grampy Max!" and he grinned at me. I didn't notice anything at first.

"Max, it's me. It's Barbie!" I said to him, to which he responded with a very flirty, inappropriate reply about Barbie dolls.

I was looking at somebody I knew and they had no idea who I was. And saw me not as - a grandchild but as, as someone to flirt with.

I'm one day post funeral for a neighborhood mom. Neil's mother's name was Mary. Mary was your classic stay at home mom that opened her home to everybody. She lived in three different houses on one block, right near Whites Park in Concord.

So I went to the calling hours and I was talking to Neil, and I said, "how are we here? How are we here? I wish it was 1980" and he said, "I wish it was 1987" and that was the year both of us would've been juniors and seniors in high school.

We just wanted to go back to a time where we felt grown up enough to enjoy the grownup things. You know, sneaking beer in a field, I guess, but young enough that our whole life was ahead of us.

And I know for me, and I think it's true for a lot of people, the aging process happens quickly and all of a sudden you find yourself: caring for my mother.

The more I watch her, the more I see, where she's, you know, beginning the long walk home, right? Where she's struggling physically, where she's struggling emotionally, and, and it's a reminder that - there's a lot she just can't do by herself, and that's just the reality of it.

Then I look at Kenny, who's 70, he'll be 71 in September. Am I expecting too much of him? Does he sleep late in the morning 'cause he is just exhausted, not because he's trying to be a jerk? Am I asking too much of him around Jack? He has such a good rapport with Jack, but I, I just notice and watch now.

I'm watching how things change and they change subtly so you don't notice it right away. This hurts me and makes me sad and I'm surrounded by it.

And I was dumbfounded. I was 15 years old, just about to turn 16, and I was horrified - paralyzed.

The manager of the restaurant watched this interaction and came over to scold Max, my Grampy, and I said, no, no, no, wait. And walked away with him and told him that it was my step-grandfather, that he didn't know me. We should call my grandmother, which we did, and she came down and got him. She didn't realize he left the house.

I was looking at somebody I knew and they had no idea who I was.

I didn't know what to do.

[OUTRO]

I wrote all of this down later, on a crumpled, coffee stained napkin.

If you want to see it, it's in my newsletter.

I hope you like it, Grampy Max.

Credits:

Sleepless by Clavier-Music

Clavier's Youtube

Restaurant Ambience

As I watched Colin Kaepernick's documentary, I thought about the times in my life I felt rejected, times I felt underestimated by the men in my life, and the times I felt outcast by different groups and like I'm constantly walking a path trying to find the right one.

Key Takeaways:

[2:18] Colin Kaepernick's documentary: rejection is not failure, but calibration

[4:09] Colin being adopted and feeling like a second choice

[6:02] I feel like a second choice in many ways

[8:43] What does recalibration and rejection even mean?

[12:37] Trust your power, even when they reject you

[13:46] I feel rejected on the school board

[15:50] How do you find your own path and make a change?

[17:46] Colin gave away so many scholarships

[20:53] Underestimated, overlooked, and outcast

[22:16] Ask the people who are impacted by political choices

Resources:

• Colin In Black & White

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The Molly B Foundation

I read the most wonderful piece of writing that is short, but so impactful because in five chapters it made me think through all the crap in my life that hasn't gone well, but also to the future and what I could do with it. As I continue into March, I do so with trepidation - and perhaps, just a little hope.

Key Takeaways:

[1:08] Missing Gracie, keeping time, the CrossFit Open, weight gain, and my newsletter

[4:47] An autobiography in five chapters

[6:46] Chapter one: traumatic things that have hobbled me

[7:43] Chapter two: my weight gain

[9:10] Chapter three: my alcohol use

[12:02] Chapter four: the Bahai fast

[14:04] Chapter five: what I could do with my life

[16:02] Coming up with new ways to make money for the foundation

[16:57] How do I personally walk down the street?

[18:45] Having a hard time with God

[20:29] Trying to change behavior

[22:55] My newsletter connects to the podcast

Resources:

• The Karen Kenney Show

• Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

It's crazy to think about how many people I've connected with and I'll never meet them. How many times I'll stand in a subway, wonder if I knew a person from school, and never find out. Because life doesn't always give us answers, but it always gives us choices. Which ones are right and wrong? Well, I'll be here with you as I find out.

Key Takeaways:

[1:23] Is it about the destination or the journey?

[3:17] I'm just left pondering and ruminating

[6:08] The show Ripple is so reflective of my life right now

[11:46] Thinking of how we're connected to people we've never met

[13:20] I'm at a turning point in my life

[15:21] Stop putting pressure on ourselves to be who we were

[17:42] Life sometimes feels like walking in circles - in the mud

[19:13] Not every question we have is meant to be answered

[20:35] Heading into spring and I can't fix anything

[21:32] Maybe we learn to carry pain with us

Resources:

• Ripple

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

I have a lot of anxiety and resentment present in me right now and in my never ending quest to understand how I got here, I turned to something truly holy: memes. They led me where I didn't expect, which was down a path of contemplation of what karma really means and how what I can get done in 15 minutes changes by the day.

Key Takeaways:

[0:39] Having a lot of anxiety right now

[2:41] Toxic positivity

[3:27] Americanized karma is crap

[6:51] The Great Law

[8:40] The Law of Creation

[10:11] The Law of Humility

[13:56] The Law of Personal Growth

[16:12] The Law of Responsibility

[18:05] The Law of Connection

[19:45] Hamlin's Razor

[20:43] The Peter Principle

[23:19] The Dunning Kruger Effect

[26:32] Parinson's Law

[27:43] The Pareto Principle

[28:52] What law or principle stood out most for you?

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The Molly B Foundation

As usual on nights I can't sleep I turned on the TV and into the most amazing series on a woman's children who are kidnapped by the father and the tension that ensues. It made me think about what a family is, how that defines us, the societal rules around it, and what role domestic violence leaves people.

Key Takeaways:

[0:49] The show: No One Saw Us Leave is amazing!

[2:30] The patriarchy in this really struck a chord with me

[5:18] Vicarious violence and second order violence

[7:26] Equality is not the same thing as equity

[10:10] The nuclear family and societal rules

[14:01] How this show connects to my job loss and upbringing

[18:09] How far should family loyalty go?

[19:46] What's disrupting families

[23:25] What does family mean to you?

Resources:

• No One Saw Us Leave

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

I finally found the term that describes me: Generation Jones. Not a Baby Boomer, but not quite Gen X either. The in-between that's sandwiched between two generations and as I talked with my friends I realized many of them felt the same way.

Key Takeaways:

[0:30] So I'm technically a boomer - but I'm not

[3:01] I'm a generation Jones

[4:35] Biggest difference between baby boomers and gen jones

[6:01] The political and technological differences

[11:57] Idealists vs realists

[14:07] Feeling like you don't belong in a generation

[14:53] Keeping things private versus saying something

[17:52] How we manage our emotions

[20:19] Being able to talk freely

[21:33] The different way we grieve

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation

One Boomer. One Gen Z. Who will prevail? In this battle of wits both generations hash out what Riz means, how to use a landline, and if crop tops were truly a move forward in fashion. It's going to get groovy - with a little turbulence! So hold on to your seats, sit back, put your oxygen mask on first, and enjoy the episode.

Key Takeaways:

[2:02] How did you find info without the internet?

[3:28] Slang: cap, riz, stand on business

[6:32] Did you have to rewind a VHS or use a payphone?

[7:39] What's a Tamagotchi?

[8:04] How did you entertain yourself on a Saturday morning?

[9:50] Were you a latchkey kid?

[11:53] How much time do you spend socializing online vs in person socializing?

[15:01] Did you have to use a landline?

[15:52] How do you feel about being constantly connected with social media?

[22:10] What's the most memorable 80s/90s fashion trend you wore?

[24:05] What's a fashion trend that's been brought back in popularity?

[26:31] What is a walkman and did you have one?

[28:02] Who are the biggest influencers in your life?

[31:58] What was your first job and how did you apply for it?

[35:03] What's most important in your future career: money, purpose, or balance?

[39:05] What is a Rolodex and what is it used for?

[40:21] How do you approach talking about mental health in the workplace?

[41:36] Generation Gap Trivia: name 3 members of the Spice Girls

[42:27] Can you identify a popular TikTok or 80s movie star?

[44:45] What was the most significant invention in your lifetime?

[46:24] How did you keep in touch with friends without a phone?

[46:53] What was your favorite childhood movie, book, or show?

[49:33] What age did you think was old when you were a teenager?

[50:45] What is the most pointless app on your phone and why?

[51:26] What is a fashion trend you think is ridiculous?

[53:32] If you had to live without a piece of technology for a week, what would it be?

[54:11] What is the biggest misconception about your generation?

[56:04] What do you think is uncool about your parents' generation?

[58:33] What is the best piece of advice you've ever received?

[59:28] If you could go back to any era, which one would it be?

[1:02:39] What's a family tradition you hope to pass on?

[1:03:14] What's something we could teach each other?

[1:05:08] What's a movie you wish you could watch for the first time again?

[1:06:57] What's a floppy disk?

[1:07:15] What's a pager?

[1:07:45] What did one use 6*7 when making a phone call?

[1:07:57] What's a BOPIT? AOL? WWW?

[1:08:58] What's My Little Pony? American Girl Dolls? Easy Bake Oven? Napster?

[1:10:36] Who are the characters of Friends? Gwen Stefani? Fanny packs?

[1:11:42] What's an overhead projector? Mimeograph machine?

[1:13:36] The biggest difference between our generations

[1:15:30] If you had to describe your generation, how would you?

[1:20:47] What generational divide did we forget?

Connect with Barb:

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The Molly B Foundation