I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below. 

Key Takeaways: 

[2:45] My mom was a stay at home mother and my dad worked a lot 

[4:20] First instance of sexual abuse  

[6:46] It happening again and feeling terrible for not saying anything 

[9:40] First physical incident and the fear it created in me 

[14:28] Being abused constantly in 5th grade

[18:04] Setting fire to my clothing 

[19:07] My social life began to tank in 5th grade  

[21:30] Being aware of my sexuality  

[23:35] Being abused again, but having a better understanding 

[25:07] Going to the ER for asthma and feeling safe in the hospital 

[26:32] Being abused in 6th grade and hypervigilance 

[28:59] Having to get my siblings ready in the morning

[31:08] Beginning to understand the full scope of sexual abuse 

[33:16] The last abuse attempt and telling my mom 

[35:23] Looking back on the psychological changes in me 

[37:41] Family history of abuse and generational trauma    

[39:41] Struggling with sleeping with a lot of people in my early twenties 

[42:54] Isolating myself, depression, and exhaustion  

[45:14] Reexperiencing trauma and hypervigilance 

[47:14] Parental support helped save me 

[47:44] My response to sexual abuse 

[50:41] How being abused affected my parenting 

[52:33] Getting very sick in the hospital and not eating 

[53:59] The good and the bad in my life 

[56:18] Releasing these words is cathartic to me 

[57:14] Victims are not at fault for being assaulted 

[57:39] Losing parts of myself, but continuing to push forward

Resources:

• Twister Movie

• National Sexual Abuse Hotline

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Helping Survivors

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My sophomore year was full of ups and downs. I went into the year not knowing where to sit at lunch, and unsure of myself. I ended up going to Germany, quitting gymnastics, joining the cheer team, and becoming a track star. As all these amazing things happened, I spent more time with my teacher, science guy, which quickly became something more. 

Key Takeaways:

[8:30] Going to gymnastics camp again and feeling harassed 

[11:03] Gymnastics camp giving me a social life

[12:36] My eventful first day of 10th grade as a cheerleader

[13:58] Mr. Smith made such an impact on my life

[17:07] Going to science guy’s class and being humiliated 

[19:34] Enjoying cheerleading, dances, getting drunk and in trouble

[24:35] Quitting gymnastics and struggling with my asthma 

[26:25] Keeping myself insanely busy and trying to find a new social group

[28:39] Starting to spend time with science guy in his apartment

[30:28] I struggle with boundaries and where lines can blur with teachers 

[34:01] Making excuses to spend more and more time with science guy 

[36:30] Going out for track because of science guy, but struggling with asthma 

[41:24] Feeling like I fit in, becoming a track star, and getting popular 

[45:57] Having sex for the first time at 15 and the trauma repeating in my life 

[50:53] I recreated the abuse and trauma from when I was younger 

Resources:

• The Silence of Great Distance 

• The Body Keeps the Score

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As I Mother both my mom and my children at the same time, it made me contemplate what a mother is, all the things I take on, and how that impacts me. It made me think about growing up and how parenting is seen so differently these days. In this episode, I explore how my life has impacted my parenting. 

Key Takeaways:

[0:39] The mental load that mothers have to take on and what it means to be one 

[4:03] Having to take care of my mom and still be a mom myself 

[5:56] How my childhood impacted what I think a good mom is 

[12:02] How the younger generations have changed 

[14:26] Feeling like I’m always the one making sacrifices 

[16:56] Doing a Hyrox race and what an amazing community that is 

[20:15] Stressing out about things I can’t change 

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 As a result of trauma, boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me. From my friendship with Robin, my friendship with Steph, and my job loss at Bow boundary crossing has followed me. I explore these 3 events in my life and how trauma has affected them. In this episode, not only do I share my journey with trauma, but also what I have begun to learn about my behavior.

Key Takeaways: 

[1:15] My struggle with setting boundaries as a result of trauma 

[8:58] My friendship with Robin

[15:21] Getting legal support from the wrong person

[17:59] How my friendship with Robin also impacted my kids 

[21:11] Being hired to coach track and field in Bow 

[25:11] Getting bigger track teams and visiting Molly’s grave with them 

[26:52] Meeting and supporting a runner who lost a parent 

[29:08] Butting heads with the administration and parents while feeling unsupported

[33:00] Getting a tattoo, showing it to my runners, and getting suspended 

[39:19] Managing a charter school that failed

[41:30] Beginning to understand where my behavior comes from 

[49:36] Understanding that just because I lost a child doesn’t mean people will be kinder

[51:47] What the future holds

Resources from this episode:

• Concord Monitor Article on being suspended

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The universe keeps sending me the same message: slow down, Barb! Doing six different things at once and expecting something to change is not working. So we’re still here three years later contemplating self sabotage through old blog posts I’ve written.

Key Takeaways:

[1:35] Being indecisive, procrastinating, and a whole lot of anger

[4:27] Tis the season for Spillin’ The Tea

[6:54] Only seeing the bad in life and 3 years later still surrounded by chaos 

[11:04] Abuse makes it easy to not even notice when things are “off”

[12:18] Blogs I wrote that have me reflecting

[13:34] The blog: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones…

[14:53] The blog: Who Is Really in Control

[28:54] The message is the same again and again: slow down!

Resources:

• Sticks and Stones Blog

• Who is Really in Control Blog

• Self Sabotage Blog Series

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I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it. 

Key Takeaways:

[1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life 

[4:09] Physical and emotional stress can make us stronger 

[6:02] Self sabotaging in an effort to protect myself 

[9:48] Sabotaging myself to create familiarity and safety 

[11:05] Drinking to fit in

[13:36] Not having a good diet, but exercising 

[14:53] Teaching even though coaching lite me up 

[17:17] Having this idea off what I’m supposed to be 

[18:09] Sabotaging relationships, finding safety in people, and escaping

[20:36] Not following through on things 

[23:13] Hanging on to past relationships 

[25:47] Reasons for sabotage 

[27:38] I hate being wrongly accused 

[29:24] Being in a state of denial and working to better myself 

[30:41] Recreating trauma and the battle of the brain 

[31:59] Contemplating why I live my life the way I do

[35:37] Thinking about what needs to change in my life 

[38:23] Checking up on past relationships 

[42:11] Trying to better myself and my business 

[44:50] Staying in Concord even though I complain about it 

[47:21] The struggle with social media 

Resources:

• The Mountain is You

• The Body Keeps the Score

• POWER Book

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Evelyn and Steven have been through the ringer after two of their siblings died as a product of addiction. They still contemplate how things could have been different and if they would have followed the same path Leslie was on. But through their grief, they tell a raw story riddled with dark humor 

Key Takeaways:

[2:37] Getting close to Leslie after I got pregnant at 16

[6:18] My relationship with Leslie was weird, especially with the huge age gap 

[7:16] The funeral and thinking maybe we could’ve prevented her death

[10:44] Leslie was a good student and then it all suddenly took a turn her senior year

[15:47] Screaming after finding out Leslie was dead 

[18:32] Having to tell people she was dead and they wouldn’t leave us alone

[21:13] Finding out Sam was dead impacted us so much more

[22:45] How Sam died from alcohol and mom having a seizure 

[25:32] Being sexually abused by Leslie’s friends and not being believed 

[29:50] Hypervigilance is safety and the moment we found out Sam died 

[38:14] Having familial support and checking in truly made a difference

[40:19] Finding laughter in dark moments 

[44:02] The difference between Leslie and Sam’s personalities 

[45:38] Seeing signs of Leslie and Sam throughout the universe 

[48:53] The angst over their burial plots  

[51:32] I’m never going to get closure, but I have to keep pushing through life 

[54:28] Tomorrow is not promised so live your life authentically 

[56:54] The things our siblings will never get to do

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Danielle cared for Lexi for 7 years as she battled a brain tumor they knew she would die from. Balancing taking care of someone she loves with also grieving them and having her life spent going from appointment to appointment was a lot - and that’s an understatement. She is now learning what to do in the “after” as in after a person dies.

Key Takeaways:

[2:41] Knowing something was wrong with Lexi and finding cancer

[8:01] Finding out she would die and we didn’t know when 

[12:12] Spending so much time in the reality of death and not knowing what to do after

[15:03] Lexi’s mom is living a new life

[18:03] Starting a blog for Lexi to keep everyone updated on her condition 

[23:10] Wanting people to remember those who have died 

[28:21] How Lexi’s family managed to navigate this journey together 

[31:05] Struggling in the early days of grief 

[36:08] Grieving something you never had and going to a medium 

[41:03] Let chronically ill people be their own person  

[42:04] Let people help you in life 

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Margaret is an author who lost a brother she never even knew. The news was a shock and she wanted to know all the details. But she didn’t get all the details right away, it has been years of talking to others and research that helped show how the stories we carry throughout our lives impact our everyday choices. 

Key Takeaways:

[2:41] I didn’t know I had a sibling that died and I needed to know more

[9:15] We didn’t talk about his death, but it came out in my town anyway

[14:01] My dad spilled all the details on what happened before he died 

[17:13] I finally looked at the accident in the newspaper 

[20:47] The secrecy of this story and wondering what might have been

[23:39] Leaving town to escape the everything that surrounded his death

[24:31] It was unsettling for people to know more about the story than me

[26:56] Learning the identity of who killed my brother 

[30:01] How we carry stories throughout our lives 

[39:10] Losing a baby and the loss of never knowing them either 

[41:01] Resources for people that lost a sibling 

[44:05] I wouldn’t write a book about the accident 

[47:25] My next novel 

Resources:

• Camp Erin

• Margaret’s Website

• Margaret’s Instagram

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Patrick is 20 years old and has written a book that is filled with so much wisdom. We got to chatting about the impact of phones on society, instant gratification, his process for writing his book, and his unique outlook on life. In this episode, Patrick talks about his journey to find happiness and what he’s learned along the way.

Key Takeaways:

[1:23] Patrick’s basketball career and switching universities

[5:37] How I wrote my book

[9:32] Being addicted to your phone and getting a flip phone 

[15:35] Expecting instant gratification because of phones 

[23:32] Relationship expectations have changed and not in a good way

[28:17] Reading a page from Patrick’s book about missing connection

[29:53] The philosophers that have influenced the book 

[31:53] Living in the moment and meditating

[34:21] Going to Bali to learn what Patrick has already 

[38:28] The framework from the book: the foundation of peace 

[41:53] Maslow’s hierarchy of needs 

[43:41] Lived experienced versus book knowledge 

[47:32] Gain wisdom from bad events 

Resources:

• The Happiness Continuum 

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The Molly B Foundation