A Thousand Tiny Steps

This is the last episode - for now maybe and I can't believe I made it to 5 years. In my first episode I was uncomfortable in front of the camera and now I can't imagine my life without it. I did so much from writing a book to being in a TV commercial. As I look forward, I have to clean my house, Gracie goes back to France, Jack starts school, and I figure out what's next.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] I did this for 5 years and that's amazing

[1:57] My first episode was so different from now

[4:24] I said my childhood was relatively normal, but nothing about it was

[6:25] The cool things I've done since starting the podcast

[8:38] I wanted to have another season and it didn't happen

[11:49] The most profound quote

[14:20] Continuing the newsletter, blog, foundation, and live videos

[16:00] Doing a podcast for my local TV station

[18:20] Creating an author page

[19:41] Finding a niche

[21:45] Jack is going to kindergarten, Gracie is going back to France, and running

[23:14] Cleaning out the house and remodeling Coach's house

[24:03] Breaking a trauma bond

Resources:

• Life Shift podcast

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The Molly B Foundation

As I look back on my last 10 years, I realize there is always a major event that happens in my life every decade. And as I look forward 5 years, I realize Molly will have been dead longer than she will have been alive and there's a lot of feelings that come with that. In this episode, I chat about some of the things I'll be doing in the absence of recording this podcast and how I'm trying to stack my habits one at a time.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] What's happened in the last 10 years of my life

[4:57] Unique, nuanced things I did in grief

[5:59] Not being able to throw anything with the date on it away or buy new clothes

[8:32] How my grief comes through in raising Jack

[11:56] The next 5 years I'm dreading

[13:21] These years are more about me and following through on things

[14:25] Walking everyday, alcohol, and fucking gratitude

[16:12] I'm taking a couple of weeks off from everything

[17:15] Which version of Barb is going to follow through?

[20:09] Working on selling my book

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The Molly B Foundation

No lesson today, just a venting session about what really matters in life, what I'm not getting out of it, what I'm frustrated by, what I've loved, and what I'm doing to change. I don't know where I'm going, but I do know I want to do it with intention.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] I'm frustrated with myself: following through and money management

[3:32] Health is my only real wealth

[4:44] Is work a means to an end or an encompassing purpose?

[5:23] Spend less money on things and more on experiences

[6:02] Holding grudges is like poison

[6:43] Most of the things I worry about - don't happen

[7:09] Is your love fake or genuine?

[8:56] Not just mindlessly scrolling social media

[9:28] I'm angry and ready for a break

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The Molly B Foundation

At this point, I'm just anticipating whatever traumatic event will happen to me next because some sort of disaster seems to follow me every decade. Sexual abuse, drinking, my life dating life, getting married and divorced twice, losing my career, doomed friendships, brain tumors, and losing kids.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] The best part of podcasting has been the people I've met

[2:05] Trauma at every part of my life and here's the beginning

[3:19] The problems began with the sexual abuse

[4:18] Telling my mom about the abuse and becoming an athlete

[6:02] Drinking, dating, and moving back home

[7:29] Marrying Eric, being a Baha'i, teaching, and my relationship falling apart

[9:03] Divorce, meeting Kenny, buying a house, losing a baby, and having two more

[11:43] Meeting Amy, my sabbatical, and being forced to resign

[13:49] Rebuilding my life, CrossFit, and doomed friendships

[15:32] Losing Molly, brain tumors, having Jack, and starting a podcast

[17:52] Anticipating what traumatic event will happen next

[20:19] Maybe traumatic events are just the cycle of life

Resources:

• My episode on Vallen's podcast

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The Molly B Foundation

Coach Luti changed my life from the second I said, "I'm gonna be a star!" He saw me as a teenager to an adult and no matter what I went through in life, he always treated me the same. I've directed the race in his name for 30 years. Before I started doing it my life was very standard, but after I started? Not much. It's shown me the full circle of life.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] First day of my theater camp

[00:38] I've been the director of the Bill Luti Race for 30 years

[2:35] We should honor the living, not just the dead

[3:53] The 50th race was the year after Molly died and it was hell

[6:24] 30 years ago - so much has changed it's crazy

[9:09] I didn't want to be the teacher in the same job for years, but I also do want that

[11:34] My memories of Silk Farm Road, coaches family, and owning his house

[15:17] Before directing the race my life followed the script, but it didn't after

[16:21] I'm not ready to retire

[17:37] Changing the podcast - and my life

Resources:

• The Bill Luti Race

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The Molly B Foundation

After Molly died, I absolutely believed in heaven. If I didn't then it would mean Molly ended up nowhere and I can't cope with that possibility. It's also because I have seen so many amazing mediums who gave me such accurate details I know it couldn't possibly be fake. Knowing what I know now, I have a different perspective on dying, from beauty and joy in tragedy, and what unconditional love looks like.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] I went to a funeral for a previous runners mom

[1:51] I believe in Heaven after Molly died

[3:18] God is always present and in control

[4:05] Divine love is unconditional and vast

[4:45] Heaven is a real place

[5:20] Beauty blossoms from loss

[5:55] There is no fear in death

[6:28] Choosing absolute trust

[7:05] Finding joy in the everyday

[8:29] It's easier to see unconditional love with hindsight

[9:37] The beauty I've gotten from death is finding the amazing things about others

[10:47] Molly isn't afraid in heaven

[11:44] I don't know how I feel about finding silver linings

[13:13] Read the book - and my book

[14:02] Seeing Gracie again in France soon

Resources:

• Seven Lessons From Heaven book

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The Molly B Foundation

I've been thinking about justice - and how Molly will never get it. I settled the lawsuit and took money and I wonder if that's a mistake. If I hadn't taken it I could tell so many stories about people's characters and that's its own kind of justice. It's a balancing act: I now have money to help others, but I can never reveal the full truth.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] What is justice and does it exist?

[4:09] Reading my book about the justice we had for Molly

[13:06] What wasn't in the book: my drug use and how aggressive the lawsuit was

[15:00] I befriend a lot of people with narcissistic tendencies

[16:52] My deposition experience painted me as a bad mother

[19:02] Doctors thought Molly faked it - it's in the medical notes

[20:36] I have to live with the fact that Molly may never get justice

[21:14] The lawsuit just felt like a game of who could make the other person look worse

[23:25] Your house is on fire - do firefighters ask what you could've done better?

[24:18] The fire analogy in my book

[26:24] They really harped on my addiction during the deposition

[28:31] I hate the money I received

[31:03] Focusing on the medical reality of Molly for the Foundation

[32:34] I feel reluctant to pick a side

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The Molly B Foundation

As I contemplate my life, I realize some aspects haven't really changed at all. That as much as I embrace things like using my phone to schedule things or text, I still cling on to the nostalgia from my childhood. Writing letters, having homemade food, and bopping along to the Styx and ABBA. In this episode, I look at how my childhood changed rapidly as I'm sandwiched between Boomers and Gen X-ers.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] Music from the 70s is still popular today

[1:54] The jokes surrounding "okay, boomer"

[3:58] Good habits from baby boomers: keeping commitments

[4:47] Growing your own food and living within your means

[6:08] Writing on paper and repairing before replacing

[7:17] I don't get enough sleep and working on long-term goals

[8:51] I hate toxic gratitude and think people need to talk offline more

[9:51] There's a TV in almost every room of our house

[10:42] There's no quick fixes in life

[11:27] Handwriting letters should make a comeback

[12:20] Losing the art of cooking from scratch

[13:03] Boomer bands that are still popular now

[15:13] Boomers that are still touring in concert

[17:33] The cute box next door bought me a Styx album

[18:35] Figuring out I'm Generation Jones

[19:26] My childhood went from eating dinner at the table to whatever was left

[19:49] Missing out on the prosperous wealth our parents had

[20:26] I went from an analog life to a digital one so quickly

[21:25] Buying on impulse, struggling to accumulate wealth, and ageism at work

[23:33] Having to care for my aging mother, my children, and myself

[23:55] I'm grateful to have grown up with more information than previous generations

[25:02] The music I listen to now isn't new

Resources:

• Lady Justice and the Sisterhood of the Crones book

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The Molly B Foundation

My friend is having to relearn how to walk and it's frustrating to him, but he's making little bits of progress every day and he should celebrate that. You should too. So often we only celebrate the big wins, the things that we deem worthy of celebrating. But in reality, everything is worth celebrating because you are inherently worthy as a human being that exists.

Key Takeaways:

[0:51] June is a month of new beginnings

[2:13] Children's awareness month and pride month

[3:05] African American Music, the zoo, and why do people think eggs are dairy?

[4:09] Men's Health, Alzheimer's, and Aphasia Awareness month

[5:41] Balloons, surfing, and why is our medical system like this?

[6:34] Fostering animals and getting them microchipped

[8:05] Country and soul cooking with a side of steak

[8:47] The outdoors, rivers, potty training, and the ocean

[9:38] Skin cancer and my experience

[10:30] Viruses, marketing this podcast, and infertility

[12:08] People argue because they misunderstood, not because they disagree

[12:43] Bad drivers, sports for kids, and aging without apology

[14:15] Autoimmune disorders, migraines, and scoliosis

[15:22] Alcoholism in pharmacists

[15:59] Black Lives Matter, frozen treats, and gardening

[16:39] Cross-breeding fruits and camping

[17:46] PTSD Awareness month and audiobooks (you can buy mine)

[18:40] My friend is struggling, but he's making more progress than he realizes

[21:26] I'm angry, I complain, and I don't change the things that I'm angry about

[21:55] Track camp, musical theatre camp, and run for Molly

Resources:

• OK Yup Podcast

• Video of Me Breaking 5 Minutes!

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The Molly B Foundation

I broke 5 minutes in the mile - and it's not how I remember it. Memory is such a crazy thing that changes over time. We amplify some parts of our memory and dull others to fit the image we want to see. That's what I did, but I have it on video to compare to my memory and it's wild to see. Video is linked here and it's helpful to watch to follow along with this episode!

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] Your memories change over time

[2:11] Watching the video of me breaking 5 minutes in the mile

[3:40] Going from asthmatic to realizing my potential

[4:34] Finding out women couldn't get track scholarships

[5:42] The backlash from Title IX

[8:32] The first lap was how I remember, but the second…

[10:34] Going head to head and winning

[12:54] I never realized Kathy had a whole crowd cheering for her

[14:26] Girls track teams were small, but they didn't have opportunities before this

[18:00] More girls than boys do track now

[20:41] Girls support each other in sports - even as competitors

[21:56] Certain girls got overshadowed by champions

[23:28] I would love to have an episode with the women in this race

Resources:

• Video of Me Breaking 5 Minutes!

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The Molly B Foundation