A Thousand Tiny Steps

I was fired from my coaching job, dealt with an inappropriate dad, an emotionally unstable teenager, and people that shot me nasty looks. All while having an unsupportive administrative staff that didn't have my back. This is the story of the ups and downs of my coaching job at Bow.

Key Takeaways:

[3:21] Being hired at Bow High School as a coach

[5:55] The new athletic director hated me

[9:42] Our first meeting he chastised me for talking about Molly too much

[10:53] Transportation and me having the kids in my personal car became a problem

[12:19] Where the trouble began: the twins and Candice

[13:47] Using SnapChat to communicate with the students

[15:54] Being told not to talk about periods to my athletes

[17:11] Being told I couldn't tie dye shirts with my athletes in my personal yard

[20:23] Candice didn't want to run

[21:24] Being told I couldn't put MollyB on team t-shirts

[23:04] Introducing Candice to Gracie and missing the awards ceremony

[26:35] Sending my tattoo in the group chat and offending Candice

[28:42] Being suspended because of the tattoo photo and the emails sent

[38:12] Being fired and Candice's dad, Doug's conversations with me

[46:38] Sending an angry email and making things personal with MD

[49:14] Issues with transportation for the team, activities, and social media

[52:47] Bow winning the team title was a big deal

[54:38] Being sent an anonymous nasty letter to my home

[59:11] I wasn't inappropriate, but I messed up

[1:02:56] Past runners still reach out to me in gratitude

[1:04:33] People have stopped talking to me since all this

[1:06:49] MD didn't help me and now I just have mementos to reminisce

[1:09:01] The worst part was that Gracie was hurt by all of this

Resources:

• Concord Monitor Article

• Patch Article

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The Molly B Foundation

I looked back on the two friends I've lost since I recorded this episode and the ones I've kept. In this episode, I thought about the people I surrounded myself with, what that meant, and the wonderful support I receive. It's interesting to look back and see the toxic people I spent time with and how much my life has changed since then.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] Getting sucked into a cycle of mistreatment

[4:15] Fight, flight, fawn, and freeze

[7:02] Susan is someone who brings me so much joy

[9:40] Roberta learns so much about me through my podcast

[12:30] Deb has been my friend since middle school

[16:32] The most important people I've been friends with since childhood

[17:36] The importance of who I'm surrounding myself with

[20:19] Am I facilitating healthy friendships?

[24:23] Things have changed 2 years later

[25:37] How my friendship with Taylor ended

[29:14] How my friendship with Polly ended

[35:44] I have strengthened some friendships, but I don't have many

[39:27] Please leave reviews for the podcast

[41:21] Where I am now

Resources:

• Buy Motherland here

• Karen Kenney

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The Molly B Foundation

I've lost count of how many restraining orders have been in my life from either me having to file them, helping others file them, or having them filed against me. At some point it just feels like a circus and an abuse of the system. In this episode, I break down the history of them in my life and question if they really help people.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] Does a restraining order actually do anything?

[1:57] My restraining order against Science Guy

[4:16] Helping Amy get a restraining order and then filing for one against her

[12:32] Losing my job and filing for another one

[17:58] Filing for protective orders seemed like a game to them

[20:23] Roy filing for a restraining order against me

[25:18] Thinking about the role that this has played in my life

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The Molly B Foundation

Science Guy was my high school biology teacher who I lost my virginity to. He died a couple of months ago and I only found out a few weeks ago. I'm grieving for him and many people have an opinion on that. But two things can be true: I can realize the good moments we had together and also realize it was inappropriate.

Key Takeaways:

[0:00] Being sexually abused as a child and being told to be quiet

[4:20] Science guy died a few months ago, reeling in the good and bad

[11:35] Feeling wanted by an older man and joining track to spend time with him

[16:29] I took my post on grieving Bruce down as the comments were ugly

[20:57] The relationship was inappropriate, but it wasn't uncommon

[26:08] Part of me is angry that it feels like people tell me how to heal

[28:42] Being told I had to tell my story in front of the school board

[30:07] Being attacked for this and getting a restraining order

[32:10] Still crying over the mix of emotions I feel

[34:51] I know there are many more people like me

Resources:

• The Silence of Great Distance

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The Molly B Foundation

I was sexually abused as a child and it still impacts me at almost 60 years old. It took me a long time to be able to tell this story and to look back at the psychological impact that these terrible experiences had on me. It was a confusing time where I lost so much of myself, but telling this story has been cathartic. If you need help there are resources below.

Key Takeaways:

[2:45] My mom was a stay at home mother and my dad worked a lot

[4:20] First instance of sexual abuse

[6:46] It happening again and feeling terrible for not saying anything

[9:40] First physical incident and the fear it created in me

[14:28] Being abused constantly in 5th grade

[18:04] Setting fire to my clothing

[19:07] My social life began to tank in 5th grade

[21:30] Being aware of my sexuality

[23:35] Being abused again, but having a better understanding

[25:07] Going to the ER for asthma and feeling safe in the hospital

[26:32] Being abused in 6th grade and hypervigilance

[28:59] Having to get my siblings ready in the morning

[31:08] Beginning to understand the full scope of sexual abuse

[33:16] The last abuse attempt and telling my mom

[35:23] Looking back on the psychological changes in me

[37:41] Family history of abuse and generational trauma

[39:41] Struggling with sleeping with a lot of people in my early twenties

[42:54] Isolating myself, depression, and exhaustion

[45:14] Reexperiencing trauma and hypervigilance

[47:14] Parental support helped save me

[47:44] My response to sexual abuse

[50:41] How being abused affected my parenting

[52:33] Getting very sick in the hospital and not eating

[53:59] The good and the bad in my life

[56:18] Releasing these words is cathartic to me

[57:14] Victims are not at fault for being assaulted

[57:39] Losing parts of myself, but continuing to push forward

Resources:

• Twister Movie

• National Sexual Abuse Hotline

• National Domestic Abuse Hotline

• Helping Survivors

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My sophomore year was full of ups and downs. I went into the year not knowing where to sit at lunch, and unsure of myself. I ended up going to Germany, quitting gymnastics, joining the cheer team, and becoming a track star. As all these amazing things happened, I spent more time with my teacher, science guy, which quickly became something more.

Key Takeaways:

[8:30] Going to gymnastics camp again and feeling harassed

[11:03] Gymnastics camp giving me a social life

[12:36] My eventful first day of 10th grade as a cheerleader

[13:58] Mr. Smith made such an impact on my life

[17:07] Going to science guy's class and being humiliated

[19:34] Enjoying cheerleading, dances, getting drunk and in trouble

[24:35] Quitting gymnastics and struggling with my asthma

[26:25] Keeping myself insanely busy and trying to find a new social group

[28:39] Starting to spend time with science guy in his apartment

[30:28] I struggle with boundaries and where lines can blur with teachers

[34:01] Making excuses to spend more and more time with science guy

[36:30] Going out for track because of science guy, but struggling with asthma

[41:24] Feeling like I fit in, becoming a track star, and getting popular

[45:57] Having sex for the first time at 15 and the trauma repeating in my life

[50:53] I recreated the abuse and trauma from when I was younger

Resources:

• The Silence of Great Distance

• The Body Keeps the Score

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As I Mother both my mom and my children at the same time, it made me contemplate what a mother is, all the things I take on, and how that impacts me. It made me think about growing up and how parenting is seen so differently these days. In this episode, I explore how my life has impacted my parenting.

Key Takeaways:

[0:39] The mental load that mothers have to take on and what it means to be one

[4:03] Having to take care of my mom and still be a mom myself

[5:56] How my childhood impacted what I think a good mom is

[12:02] How the younger generations have changed

[14:26] Feeling like I'm always the one making sacrifices

[16:56] Doing a Hyrox race and what an amazing community that is

[20:15] Stressing out about things I can't change

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The Molly B Foundation

As a result of trauma, boundaries have been a lifelong struggle for me. From my friendship with Robin, my friendship with Steph, and my job loss at Bow boundary crossing has followed me. I explore these 3 events in my life and how trauma has affected them. In this episode, not only do I share my journey with trauma, but also what I have begun to learn about my behavior.

Key Takeaways:

[1:15] My struggle with setting boundaries as a result of trauma

[8:58] My friendship with Robin

[15:21] Getting legal support from the wrong person

[17:59] How my friendship with Robin also impacted my kids

[21:11] Being hired to coach track and field in Bow

[25:11] Getting bigger track teams and visiting Molly's grave with them

[26:52] Meeting and supporting a runner who lost a parent

[29:08] Butting heads with the administration and parents while feeling unsupported

[33:00] Getting a tattoo, showing it to my runners, and getting suspended

[39:19] Managing a charter school that failed

[41:30] Beginning to understand where my behavior comes from

[49:36] Understanding that just because I lost a child doesn't mean people will be kinder

[51:47] What the future holds

Resources from this episode:

• Concord Monitor Article on being suspended

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The Molly B Foundation

The universe keeps sending me the same message: slow down, Barb! Doing six different things at once and expecting something to change is not working. So we're still here three years later contemplating self sabotage through old blog posts I've written.

Key Takeaways:

[1:35] Being indecisive, procrastinating, and a whole lot of anger

[4:27] Tis the season for Spillin' The Tea

[6:54] Only seeing the bad in life and 3 years later still surrounded by chaos

[11:04] Abuse makes it easy to not even notice when things are "off"

[12:18] Blogs I wrote that have me reflecting

[13:34] The blog: Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones…

[14:53] The blog: Who Is Really in Control

[28:54] The message is the same again and again: slow down!

Resources:

• Sticks and Stones Blog

• Who is Really in Control Blog

• Self Sabotage Blog Series

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The Molly B Foundation

I really, really struggle with self sabotage in every aspect of my life. From relationships, to not following through on things, to recreating trauma. It is an endless battle. I am working to better myself by being introspective and examining why I constantly sabotage myself and what I can do to work on it.

Key Takeaways:

[1:35] Self sabotage and regret in my life

[4:09] Physical and emotional stress can make us stronger

[6:02] Self sabotaging in an effort to protect myself

[9:48] Sabotaging myself to create familiarity and safety

[11:05] Drinking to fit in

[13:36] Not having a good diet, but exercising

[14:53] Teaching even though coaching lite me up

[17:17] Having this idea off what I'm supposed to be

[18:09] Sabotaging relationships, finding safety in people, and escaping

[20:36] Not following through on things

[23:13] Hanging on to past relationships

[25:47] Reasons for sabotage

[27:38] I hate being wrongly accused

[29:24] Being in a state of denial and working to better myself

[30:41] Recreating trauma and the battle of the brain

[31:59] Contemplating why I live my life the way I do

[35:37] Thinking about what needs to change in my life

[38:23] Checking up on past relationships

[42:11] Trying to better myself and my business

[44:50] Staying in Concord even though I complain about it

[47:21] The struggle with social media

Resources:

• The Mountain is You

• The Body Keeps the Score

• POWER Book

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The Molly B Foundation